winds of change

143 weeks since an update.

"it's an ocean goin' swimmin' - it's an ocean and i'm givin' into love"

i have been living my life like i am reading the epic tale on the edge of my seat. sometimes i am watching safe behind the glass behind my eyes, and sometimes i am right there, every step of the way, trilling at the highest and lowest points of my voice.

36 hours until we leave in the big blue veggie oil bus for the circus tour. four weeks, coast to coast with some zigzags in between. beautiful people, laughter. an AMAZING show that has come together in three or four days.

3 and a half months until i depart for india.

7 days until i turn 21.

this year...20 has been full of solitude. internal shifts manifesting into the external. internal shifts - stronger spine. very strong spine. learning the language of my heart. following dreams. hitchiking. living in the woods. learning to trust the universe. being in the peripheral of a death, being in the forefront of a death. being home for 6 months. holding my ground. assertion. crystal shop. spiritual foundation. woods.

my life has been so full. my dreams are evolving and growing. i am evolving and growing with my belief in them. in my following them. the more i have the courage to follow them, despite opposition, the stronger i become.

hitchiking adventures to boston.

going to india soon.

a lot of the things i wanted to accomplish this year turned out to be things that didnt serve me. but the things i truly wanted to do, i did. they just took lots more energy than i thought they would. loving oneself. learning to speak gently to oneself. learning to listen to my heart. finding passions.

i'll be turning 21 on the travel day to chicago. we are playing a show that night.

my act is conceptual clowning and poi spinning. i am spinning plants. the act starts as a puppet show of two plants procreating. out of their love comes a seed - me. first i grow false leaves, then roots which slurp up the pitterpattering rain. then the great almighty flashlight sun turns on and i grow bigger and grow true leaves and finally become a flower and spread my own seed. then comes the poi spinning. i begin to spin two small plants. i do a couple of tricks, get the audience excited and then begin spinning an even bigger pair of plants. it ends with milo, the skeezy manager telling me to put on a rainbow wig and do a real clown act. the end of the entire show culminates in me pseudo poisoning him. while the poison does cause him to itch, wretch, and scream, it ultimately leads to "spiritual enlightenment".

kids, it's good to be back.

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starry starry night
catch the breeze and winter chills in colors on the snowy hidden land

maybe ill leave this for a little while


always dream

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Liken the process of communication to the element Air, and see how the contact is refreshing and light, continually moving and changeable.


Gemini has been accused of being quite fickle and flirtatious, but actually that is unfair. It is thought, not emotion that nurtures their soul, and the flight of the intellect moves with such speed it can float on the winds of change. They sincerely believe what they say at the time, but the dawn of tomorrow brings another day, with another thought, and another new interest to follow.
  • Current Music
    until the sun turns black - ray lamontagne

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dear monkey,

i never knew these letters would become self-addressed, but as I now identify with this name more and more i find an interesting connection to what i've written.

JANUARY 2005:

is it twelve degrees where you are, monkey? my sister sang golden gords from her throat. they shrivelled in the twelve degree heat. and it was hot that day.

no, im not angry at what ive been missing because ive been making up time for losing and liking and limping along in the lucidity of my dreams. they said you cant be concious during that kind of movie, but i think it's always a trip to hold your hands in front of you and say "purple" and theyll magically transform. and i think they are wrong

of all the condoms in my arsenal- which began at around twenty and has dwindled to three, my favorite is the one that i used three months ago. but dont be fooled. one would ask "do you have lots of sex?" or "did you have a round of sex with seventeen men" or maybe even "did he not put it on the right appendage?" i say to this "it's quiet time". you cant ask me questions that i dont have answers to because i never saw the supply drip down to a minimum. i just gave them all away. who has sex nowadays anyway? maybe, my favorite condom is the femme condom that heidi reich-sta gave to muh. i wondered what to do with it and now i have a list of things, but a condom that has been all bent and probably broken. she's been neglected by me, when she could have been fucked and flung by some other lovers with no sheets on their bed.

and mainly, that is what i aspire to.

faux fried calimari and soul fried faux chicken with the spicy noodles. pms. Paula Megan Saruh. PMS. that's a group you really wanna kick it with. the best times are centered around these two aspects : hangin' with megancheese and
vegan food
when the two combine, they are DEADLY

today, i learned how to abort my own fetus, which is great because ive been meaning to find out how "9 ways to kill my unborn child" during the THIRD TRIMESTER. thank you, ladies. i love it when you can tell from the first sentence of a presentation which side someone is on by the preposterousness of their facts. or by the crap-level of their facts. like say, i wouldnt argue that abortion clinics are bad because they "dont tell women about other options". why wouldnt i argue about this? well, that's not a fact. and i also would do a little research. say, in 1967 when roe v wade was ratified, the number of illegal abortions that killed women didnt decrease. it didnt take very long to figure out why this was. WOMEN NEEDED PERMISSION which is why they didnt choose to have an abortion. if that meant telling their parents, or their husband, fuck it, let's go to the back alley. so yes, that is scary and yes that is something none of us SHOULD EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER HAVE TO EXPERIENCE but goddamnit let's pause and praise the lawyers of roe who made it POSSIBLE for women post-roe to have abortions, and thank PLANNED PARENTHOOD for confidentiality. because goddamnit, one day one of y'all is gonna end up pregnant and down in the dumps and they will be your first phonecall.
i think the prolife movement is funny. i think they are manipulative and kind of amusing.

and so having learned how to abort my fetus, im going to go get knocked up by having unprotected sex (even tho i have three condoms...i still am looking for the perfect one) and im going to attempt it. in fact, im going to try EACH way. that is NINE unwanted pregnancies
and folks...that is the way to go

oh, ... on 3rd st, instead of it saying
3rd st
it says
3st
and that, when you think about it is
THIRST.
AHAHAHA

monkey, i love you. thanks for being the best.

love,
sar UH?

Current Mood: absurd
Current Music: sunshine of your love - cream


i was so angsty. kind of deflated about wanting to fix this thing that was just dying and trying to hold onto it but to no avail. i wrote this poeme in the last days of a relationship during the said time and it had this line in it that went "and then of course i am reminded by my lack of heartache that i just dont care enough to beat myself up over this". see, looking back, that is untrue. i didn't word that the way i could - my failure as a writer (pesky title). my lie was in the wording. i did care. but i knew that it was something that i couldnt hold onto. i knew then that nothing works when you are binding it. in all my haste to NOT bind myself to something, or to bind us to something, i ended up strangling it (whatever this IT was) without trying.

it's like parents who put their childrens' head in a bubble before they go outside to play in the park - there are germs. so the kid is constantly getting picked on because there's a fuckin bubble over his head. and his parents who were only trying to help and love are guilty of over-loving. can you over-love? why, the answer is YES! YES! oh yes yes yes you can very much over love. over loving is when you try to hold on. it is selfish. you use love as a security and love is a security (don't get me wrong) because it is everywhere. you will never be without love. but it is not a security in the way that it is used as a security. using security somewhat as a verb. you are securing your love by making sure it is never gone. it never diminishes. you hold onto it in ways that it should not be held onto.

monkey, ive been the one to scream it from the hills. almost a year ago to this day i was talking it down with a young man named crustacean wind for the first time. i had that idea in my head. love cannot be held onto. monogomy is a touchy sensitive holy institution. i KNEW (i KNEW) that monogomy was a binder of sorts. this was only confirmed further when i saw the state of my brother's marriage because there has been some love-lost for a while now. they have been married for eleven years (got married at 24 i think) and have been strained for about four or five years now. i told myself that no matter how much i want that security, i would never ever marry someone because that is so permanent. no one can tell when you will fall in love with someone else. no one can tell how you will feel so far down the road.

my views have since changed somewhat and i believe in monogomy (tho not quite at this age) but i believe in experimentation. i believe that it is important for one to honor their attractions - particularly at this age. who knows? later in life maybe i will be ready to settle down (not in the american sense...never never) and commit to one person. i see my open relationship not as an excuse. not at alllll an excuse. i see it as opportunity to grow. we both have an agreement (one that has not always held sound in the past, admittedly) that it is acceptable to follow our feelings. it took a while to find the balance with this. of course it would. it isn't easy to hear or think about the person you love dearly being intimate with another person. but we have worked through many barriers that i never thought would even exist.

barriers exist even after your theories and beliefs say otherwise.

monkey, i have not always honored what i believe. i have, like i said, screamed all of this from the mountaintops and then, when faced with the challenge against my most sensitive emotions, i sunk into a slumber.
but, monkey, it has somehow brought me here. every single moment of my life has led up to the now. and the NOW cannot be lasoed because even as i say NOW
NOW
NOW the moments are growing stale (if you can define them in terms of time, which i seem to be doing). and what are the new moments? they are NOW as well. so many nows. and how can you subdivide your life into NOW. how many NOWS is your life made of? surely more than the addition of seconds and years and months that you have lived.

or is it the number of times you have conciously realized that there is nothing simpler than the fact that it is always NOW. that conciousness-the number of times you have felt it...is THAT the number of nows?

no. i dont think so. no matter. no fish and chips. there is just one now. one continuous now that has no beginning and no end. it spans more than your birth and will grow past your death...your many deaths. after a little introductory work with energy i have come to feel my energy more clearly. i feel my chakras spinning sometimes and i can see energy moving without closing my eyes or squinting. especially in a dark room. it is always moving. it is like water, it is like love, it is like NOW. it cannot be subdivided or separated.

i have a feeling, monkey, that getting out of this house will help break down many of my habits. the sad truth that i accomplish nothing within these walls...in this city. i have a wonderful feeling that i will get to hampshire and i will be able to work. i will be able to explore. i will feel freer than i do here. i love my parents and i love myself (slowly...slowly) but there is something about being in the same place for your whole life and not being able to really get anything done. not being able to practice yoga or meditation because i feel exhausted. no, this is a place that i must escape temporarily. more temporary than a week or a month. no, i must live on my own. it has been overdue.

but i am a big baby. im a silly grrl. so silly. i aspire to such independence in terms of being able to live alone, and you know what, i know it will be fuckin scary. but i can do it. i am ready. i want to let go of all this stupid material. i want to throw it all away. i want to forget about money.

i want to learn to farm. i will learn to farm.

do you know how scary it is for me to think that i will be trapped in this funk for my whole life and i will never ever break free? from the television being on so much of the day. from holing up in here and not leaving for hours at a time.


"i hope the exit is joyful and i hope never to return". frida said this back in the day. the guilt that comes with this is fierce. it hurts. but i feel it very much. i love where i am from...and i dont wish to NEVER return, but i hope for a new beginning. i hope for the new beginning that is approaching. ill try not to subdivide it in my head from the rest of my life, but that is the nature of it, no? well no...in detail it is, but who the fuck is looking at detail? maybe i am.






monkey, you know...things are looking up.

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ps. i still have THREE condoms left
  • Current Music
    landslide

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let go your heart
let go your head
and feel it now



i saw this kid today who ive had this very warm spot for since freshman year tho i never talked to him until this year. yeah so it was silly the kind of crush i had on him because it was one of those "oh...you have a grrlfriend" situations. i was talking to paula yesterday and she mentioned him and a few of her other friends and then today i saw them ALL (minus paula). weird shit written in the stars.

it's just a sad pull to have. such a crazy magnetism to someone and not be able to just go up to them. it was silly but it was so hard for me to even look at him because of the crazy attractioin i felt toward him. so i naturally didnt know how to just be his friend. it was the kind of feeling where i wanted to dance in the grass with him and frolick in the beautiful spring weather. it's silly to not be able to just think of him as a friend. doesn't seem fair to him. but i suppose it is just one of those learning steps.


i have a new addition to my life for the next ten days : HAMPSTER!!!
megan's hampster FLAPJACK aka FATTY HAMPSTER..

i love her