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(Wet Concrete HERE)

winds of change [17 May 2008|12:02am]
143 weeks since an update.

"it's an ocean goin' swimmin' - it's an ocean and i'm givin' into love"

i have been living my life like i am reading the epic tale on the edge of my seat. sometimes i am watching safe behind the glass behind my eyes, and sometimes i am right there, every step of the way, trilling at the highest and lowest points of my voice.

36 hours until we leave in the big blue veggie oil bus for the circus tour. four weeks, coast to coast with some zigzags in between. beautiful people, laughter. an AMAZING show that has come together in three or four days.

3 and a half months until i depart for india.

7 days until i turn 21.

this year...20 has been full of solitude. internal shifts manifesting into the external. internal shifts - stronger spine. very strong spine. learning the language of my heart. following dreams. hitchiking. living in the woods. learning to trust the universe. being in the peripheral of a death, being in the forefront of a death. being home for 6 months. holding my ground. assertion. crystal shop. spiritual foundation. woods.

my life has been so full. my dreams are evolving and growing. i am evolving and growing with my belief in them. in my following them. the more i have the courage to follow them, despite opposition, the stronger i become.

hitchiking adventures to boston.

going to india soon.

a lot of the things i wanted to accomplish this year turned out to be things that didnt serve me. but the things i truly wanted to do, i did. they just took lots more energy than i thought they would. loving oneself. learning to speak gently to oneself. learning to listen to my heart. finding passions.

i'll be turning 21 on the travel day to chicago. we are playing a show that night.

my act is conceptual clowning and poi spinning. i am spinning plants. the act starts as a puppet show of two plants procreating. out of their love comes a seed - me. first i grow false leaves, then roots which slurp up the pitterpattering rain. then the great almighty flashlight sun turns on and i grow bigger and grow true leaves and finally become a flower and spread my own seed. then comes the poi spinning. i begin to spin two small plants. i do a couple of tricks, get the audience excited and then begin spinning an even bigger pair of plants. it ends with milo, the skeezy manager telling me to put on a rainbow wig and do a real clown act. the end of the entire show culminates in me pseudo poisoning him. while the poison does cause him to itch, wretch, and scream, it ultimately leads to "spiritual enlightenment".

kids, it's good to be back.

(2 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

[17 Aug 2005|04:31pm]
starry starry night
catch the breeze and winter chills in colors on the snowy hidden land

maybe ill leave this for a little while

always dream

(2 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

[27 Jul 2005|01:54am]
it has been a lifetime of a year

(Wet Concrete HERE)

[22 Jul 2005|01:32pm]
Liken the process of communication to the element Air, and see how the contact is refreshing and light, continually moving and changeable.

Gemini has been accused of being quite fickle and flirtatious, but actually that is unfair. It is thought, not emotion that nurtures their soul, and the flight of the intellect moves with such speed it can float on the winds of change. They sincerely believe what they say at the time, but the dawn of tomorrow brings another day, with another thought, and another new interest to follow.

(2 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

[21 Jul 2005|12:21am]
and then sometimes, the prettiest pikshers i can find of myself are the ones that dont remind me much of myself at all

(Wet Concrete HERE)

[20 Jul 2005|08:48pm]
dear monkey,

i never knew these letters would become self-addressed, but as I now identify with this name more and more i find an interesting connection to what i've written.


is it twelve degrees where you are, monkey? my sister sang golden gords from her throat. they shrivelled in the twelve degree heat. and it was hot that day.

no, im not angry at what ive been missing because ive been making up time for losing and liking and limping along in the lucidity of my dreams. they said you cant be concious during that kind of movie, but i think it's always a trip to hold your hands in front of you and say "purple" and theyll magically transform. and i think they are wrong

of all the condoms in my arsenal- which began at around twenty and has dwindled to three, my favorite is the one that i used three months ago. but dont be fooled. one would ask "do you have lots of sex?" or "did you have a round of sex with seventeen men" or maybe even "did he not put it on the right appendage?" i say to this "it's quiet time". you cant ask me questions that i dont have answers to because i never saw the supply drip down to a minimum. i just gave them all away. who has sex nowadays anyway? maybe, my favorite condom is the femme condom that heidi reich-sta gave to muh. i wondered what to do with it and now i have a list of things, but a condom that has been all bent and probably broken. she's been neglected by me, when she could have been fucked and flung by some other lovers with no sheets on their bed.

and mainly, that is what i aspire to.

faux fried calimari and soul fried faux chicken with the spicy noodles. pms. Paula Megan Saruh. PMS. that's a group you really wanna kick it with. the best times are centered around these two aspects : hangin' with megancheese and
vegan food
when the two combine, they are DEADLY

today, i learned how to abort my own fetus, which is great because ive been meaning to find out how "9 ways to kill my unborn child" during the THIRD TRIMESTER. thank you, ladies. i love it when you can tell from the first sentence of a presentation which side someone is on by the preposterousness of their facts. or by the crap-level of their facts. like say, i wouldnt argue that abortion clinics are bad because they "dont tell women about other options". why wouldnt i argue about this? well, that's not a fact. and i also would do a little research. say, in 1967 when roe v wade was ratified, the number of illegal abortions that killed women didnt decrease. it didnt take very long to figure out why this was. WOMEN NEEDED PERMISSION which is why they didnt choose to have an abortion. if that meant telling their parents, or their husband, fuck it, let's go to the back alley. so yes, that is scary and yes that is something none of us SHOULD EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER HAVE TO EXPERIENCE but goddamnit let's pause and praise the lawyers of roe who made it POSSIBLE for women post-roe to have abortions, and thank PLANNED PARENTHOOD for confidentiality. because goddamnit, one day one of y'all is gonna end up pregnant and down in the dumps and they will be your first phonecall.
i think the prolife movement is funny. i think they are manipulative and kind of amusing.

and so having learned how to abort my fetus, im going to go get knocked up by having unprotected sex (even tho i have three condoms...i still am looking for the perfect one) and im going to attempt it. in fact, im going to try EACH way. that is NINE unwanted pregnancies
and folks...that is the way to go

oh, ... on 3rd st, instead of it saying
3rd st
it says
and that, when you think about it is

monkey, i love you. thanks for being the best.

sar UH?

Current Mood: absurd
Current Music: sunshine of your love - cream

i was so angsty. kind of deflated about wanting to fix this thing that was just dying and trying to hold onto it but to no avail. i wrote this poeme in the last days of a relationship during the said time and it had this line in it that went "and then of course i am reminded by my lack of heartache that i just dont care enough to beat myself up over this". see, looking back, that is untrue. i didn't word that the way i could - my failure as a writer (pesky title). my lie was in the wording. i did care. but i knew that it was something that i couldnt hold onto. i knew then that nothing works when you are binding it. in all my haste to NOT bind myself to something, or to bind us to something, i ended up strangling it (whatever this IT was) without trying.

it's like parents who put their childrens' head in a bubble before they go outside to play in the park - there are germs. so the kid is constantly getting picked on because there's a fuckin bubble over his head. and his parents who were only trying to help and love are guilty of over-loving. can you over-love? why, the answer is YES! YES! oh yes yes yes you can very much over love. over loving is when you try to hold on. it is selfish. you use love as a security and love is a security (don't get me wrong) because it is everywhere. you will never be without love. but it is not a security in the way that it is used as a security. using security somewhat as a verb. you are securing your love by making sure it is never gone. it never diminishes. you hold onto it in ways that it should not be held onto.

monkey, ive been the one to scream it from the hills. almost a year ago to this day i was talking it down with a young man named crustacean wind for the first time. i had that idea in my head. love cannot be held onto. monogomy is a touchy sensitive holy institution. i KNEW (i KNEW) that monogomy was a binder of sorts. this was only confirmed further when i saw the state of my brother's marriage because there has been some love-lost for a while now. they have been married for eleven years (got married at 24 i think) and have been strained for about four or five years now. i told myself that no matter how much i want that security, i would never ever marry someone because that is so permanent. no one can tell when you will fall in love with someone else. no one can tell how you will feel so far down the road.

my views have since changed somewhat and i believe in monogomy (tho not quite at this age) but i believe in experimentation. i believe that it is important for one to honor their attractions - particularly at this age. who knows? later in life maybe i will be ready to settle down (not in the american sense...never never) and commit to one person. i see my open relationship not as an excuse. not at alllll an excuse. i see it as opportunity to grow. we both have an agreement (one that has not always held sound in the past, admittedly) that it is acceptable to follow our feelings. it took a while to find the balance with this. of course it would. it isn't easy to hear or think about the person you love dearly being intimate with another person. but we have worked through many barriers that i never thought would even exist.

barriers exist even after your theories and beliefs say otherwise.

monkey, i have not always honored what i believe. i have, like i said, screamed all of this from the mountaintops and then, when faced with the challenge against my most sensitive emotions, i sunk into a slumber.
but, monkey, it has somehow brought me here. every single moment of my life has led up to the now. and the NOW cannot be lasoed because even as i say NOW
NOW the moments are growing stale (if you can define them in terms of time, which i seem to be doing). and what are the new moments? they are NOW as well. so many nows. and how can you subdivide your life into NOW. how many NOWS is your life made of? surely more than the addition of seconds and years and months that you have lived.

or is it the number of times you have conciously realized that there is nothing simpler than the fact that it is always NOW. that conciousness-the number of times you have felt it...is THAT the number of nows?

no. i dont think so. no matter. no fish and chips. there is just one now. one continuous now that has no beginning and no end. it spans more than your birth and will grow past your death...your many deaths. after a little introductory work with energy i have come to feel my energy more clearly. i feel my chakras spinning sometimes and i can see energy moving without closing my eyes or squinting. especially in a dark room. it is always moving. it is like water, it is like love, it is like NOW. it cannot be subdivided or separated.

i have a feeling, monkey, that getting out of this house will help break down many of my habits. the sad truth that i accomplish nothing within these walls...in this city. i have a wonderful feeling that i will get to hampshire and i will be able to work. i will be able to explore. i will feel freer than i do here. i love my parents and i love myself (slowly...slowly) but there is something about being in the same place for your whole life and not being able to really get anything done. not being able to practice yoga or meditation because i feel exhausted. no, this is a place that i must escape temporarily. more temporary than a week or a month. no, i must live on my own. it has been overdue.

but i am a big baby. im a silly grrl. so silly. i aspire to such independence in terms of being able to live alone, and you know what, i know it will be fuckin scary. but i can do it. i am ready. i want to let go of all this stupid material. i want to throw it all away. i want to forget about money.

i want to learn to farm. i will learn to farm.

do you know how scary it is for me to think that i will be trapped in this funk for my whole life and i will never ever break free? from the television being on so much of the day. from holing up in here and not leaving for hours at a time.

"i hope the exit is joyful and i hope never to return". frida said this back in the day. the guilt that comes with this is fierce. it hurts. but i feel it very much. i love where i am from...and i dont wish to NEVER return, but i hope for a new beginning. i hope for the new beginning that is approaching. ill try not to subdivide it in my head from the rest of my life, but that is the nature of it, no? well no...in detail it is, but who the fuck is looking at detail? maybe i am.

monkey, you know...things are looking up.

Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com

ps. i still have THREE condoms left

(Wet Concrete HERE)

[19 Jul 2005|10:53pm]
let go your heart
let go your head
and feel it now

i saw this kid today who ive had this very warm spot for since freshman year tho i never talked to him until this year. yeah so it was silly the kind of crush i had on him because it was one of those "oh...you have a grrlfriend" situations. i was talking to paula yesterday and she mentioned him and a few of her other friends and then today i saw them ALL (minus paula). weird shit written in the stars.

it's just a sad pull to have. such a crazy magnetism to someone and not be able to just go up to them. it was silly but it was so hard for me to even look at him because of the crazy attractioin i felt toward him. so i naturally didnt know how to just be his friend. it was the kind of feeling where i wanted to dance in the grass with him and frolick in the beautiful spring weather. it's silly to not be able to just think of him as a friend. doesn't seem fair to him. but i suppose it is just one of those learning steps.

i have a new addition to my life for the next ten days : HAMPSTER!!!
megan's hampster FLAPJACK aka FATTY HAMPSTER..

i love her

(2 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

duality [19 Jul 2005|05:34pm]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

(4 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

this is to chloe [15 Jul 2005|05:26pm]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

(Wet Concrete HERE)

[14 Jul 2005|09:22pm]
won't you help to sing

(3 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

looking for some light [14 Jul 2005|09:05pm]
sometimes it helps to spend time with a friend one on one. no group action.

lauren and i make amazing music. we flow on the same basic wavelength and it's always very refreshing to be with her. i freaked out last night at the concert to some extent. i was twitching and unfocused and self concious and i wanted to break free. ive lacked a lot of guidance because i havent been able to ask. i stood there cursing myself for dancing but not listening the way i could have been. reprimanding myself as if it gets me anywhere. but what is the alternative? im just human im just makingmy mistakes but it seems easier said than done. im just trying to let this self deprication die down.

im a little directionless right now...i know where i need to go for that. i will.

im forgetting a little that i am a creature of energy and love. im forgetting that i can be loved. im not respecting my sexuality enough. i loathe my body...i see imperfections instead of loving the way i am built. i am learning to eat balanced and im walking great deals (especially now that my bike was stolen), i feel physically good. im keeping good posture and im breathing deeper. but it's a trip. it's not always the easiest journey. no doubting that...i defintely dont expect that, i know that is just not how things work. i think i just have to stop hating myself when im not feeling the best i can. part of that is because im a very social person. i react more than is necessary. i need to take time being quiet and hearing people. whenever im not up to being outgoing i curse myself. back to my physical appearance. i feel beautiful. i just feel like my body is absurd. i am a masculine sign and have a lot of that masculine energy that encompasses geminis and i see a lot of angst within me but i am a female. i love my female organs. i love what my body does. i just get so so so confused.

i used to think i was transgendered because when i would masturbate, usually if i was thinking about a guy i would imagine myself as the guy being with a grrl. i dont think that means that i am transgendered, i think that means im curious and also that i harness a very masculine energy.

so much of this hate comes from not believing that people love me. this is not a cry to hear people tell me that they love me because the further i get this out the more i realize that although on the surface at first i want to be pacified quickly, i dont want anyone to play into this insecurity. i am bigger than this. this is an illusion. it's just not real. it;s here right now and i am going through the ever present suffering that takes many forms. but i am not limitted to my insecurity. and i can get through this myself. not alone but certainly noone has an answer here. there isnt much of an answer to begin with. i just am. i have to work through this on my terms.

im crying out of sheer joy of seeing light through all this complication. through these problems. sheer joy.

you are alive. you are in your skin and i am in this skin and we can just feel enough to break through that separation and become one. we can fall in love because love is in everyone. we dont have to denounce anything other than wanting to laso and keep and box and censor and REMAIN. we can just exist, feeling as every second goes by. that is where love grows and thrives.

i love you

(2 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

[11 Jul 2005|10:51pm]
im a poet
in that i write poetry
in that i look for the symbolism in the fact that
when i wrote POET i wrote POPET which is like
puppet which is like pope

im a poet
cause' i look for love
but im a poet
because ive named myself
and when i want to write
i fuckin write.

it's just this numbness
that makes the computer easier sometimes
it's in this numbness that i forget to watch
the trees
as they glisten in the golden sun
and my artistic blood sees the shining red of
fall apples

oh, summer,
do you know
every year i anticipate your coming
as amazing as the last
and you are different each time
and each time im surprised
wrinkling my face at the new odor
and sighing once i realize

everything is in its right place

(1 HandPrint | Wet Concrete HERE)

[10 Jul 2005|10:00am]
in 54 days i will be going to school. i will be leaving this house with this bed and this shower and this bathroom and this kitchen and these parents and doggies and i will no longer live in new york city.

i am a new yorker. a new yawkah. or something...even if i dream on the farm i am a native here.

in the face of change...it's amazing how much you can cry.

(4 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

kali [08 Jul 2005|07:46am]

dancing with summerCollapse )

(2 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

exit 75 - - - i'm still alive [05 Jul 2005|01:54pm]
it's been crazy.

i've been breathing and meditating. the world is popping and gurgling.

when i read the fifth harry potter book which i read the summer after sophomore year my whole body smells like dreadlock wax. it's so weird at first i smelled it and had this peaceful little jolt back in time and thought "No, it can't be because i didnt have dreadlocks" and then slowly the summer came back to me. i bought dreadwax in early july because i wanted to practice dreading barbies' hair. the smell became stronger the longer i read the book and oh my i wanted to hold onto it forever.

what a beautiful journey.

i feel so trapped here, yet i am peaceful. i know that feeling trapped is a very bad sign but i also know that i am dealing with it well seeing that i dont have much choice. i am leaving so soon. so so soon

im so happy to be going to hampshire
i feel like harry potter =)


sometimes i catch glances of my smile in mirrors and even when it isnt out of overflowing joy (the kind that grips you) it is so happy and wide and sparkling. i remember now, it's is all an unfolding process. life is an unfolding process. once you keep reminding yourself and you keep feeling it, you dont hurt so much and remember and you begin to have more faith that everything is happening as it SHOULD be happening.

see how smooth things are...

"exit 75 i'm still alive...i'm still alive"

(1 HandPrint | Wet Concrete HERE)

[04 Jul 2005|09:18am]
people who steal bikes are mean mean people

(7 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

[28 Jun 2005|03:07pm]
i am jasper square-bottom and i bet you wouldnt know that by looking at me.
i bet you wouldnt know the shape of my ass if you searched with your eyes
am jasper.

narcissist, they say to me, leave this town

now as life returns to hate hell is standing at my gate

oh the poetry that returns to you from the age of innocence.

to be perfectly honest, i never fully lost my innocence, i just numbed it out.
on days when i find myself most raw (i am still mastering the art of just simply being since life just is HERE and not going going GONE) i take everything in absorption.

i graduated from high school reciting resighting verses i wrote when i graduated middle school and now i will leave this den of madness for some peace. oh college, yes, hampshire, you will be a welcomed prospect. another endeavor of mine. when i graduated my name was last. i was the last person to graduate in 2005 at laGuardiahhhh high school for high arts and high music and i was the last off that stage. and i took it man. as my name was said there was thunder, i felt it on the stage...resounding thunder and i smiled till my jaw unhinged, and curtseyed like the real goddamn woman that i am, shook hands with a woman who said she was proud of me yet never met me, and left the building
like the fat lady

i left the burning building

(3 HandPrints | Wet Concrete HERE)

[13 Jun 2005|04:05pm]
school is over. i have finals for the next two days and then i am done. i cant believe it. school is over.

i miss a lot of people...
i miss nigel. but i am happy
i am content but there is this open wound that comes with growth that is making it hard for me to breathe clearly. i think this might be a good sign. i'd like to get in touch with nige but i havent been able to. so, if youre reading

you're quite elusive...and ive missed you

furthermore, this is such a crazy time of life. letting go of so many people i have loved. so many people.

there are times when you just sit back and arent numb and you feel.

the concert was so amazingly beautiful. we all cracked open like eggs. bittersweet. last concert. we listened to our first concert - elementary chorus...we all giggled and cooed and my was it wonderful. we have all grown so much and so have our voices. how amazing.. the difference in tone quality was astounding.

and then we performed BEETHOVEN. beethoven's mass in c major. and we lulled that baby into solitude.
we lulled it, man


(Wet Concrete HERE)

[09 Jun 2005|06:32pm]
linger low on the horizon
morning makes me a memory
and i touch it
often compulsively
looking for peace

i won an award for poetry
worth $150
and i sit here to write it
you know it dont always come so easy

im trying to maintain this
keep the raft afloat
while i brave ocean waves
and when the water gets in my lungs
i know how to breathe my body to a calm
but not as well as id hope

the grrl behind me on the risers
sings loudly and offpitch in my ear
and since we take criticism one at a time
i told her she was screamin'
she was screeeeamin' in mah ear
she took it well and joked it down
to a calm till' i was lyin' through my teeth about shit i dont even need to lie about.

sleezy like that.

my clearest moments are when there is no expectation
when i am relaxed enough to just exist
and standing on risers two days straight
and 31 miles biked later
i am not that relaxed person
but hey, i got a check for $150 and im ready
to pack it all into a plane and some mushrooms

you really just lose yourself
my clearest moments
are when there is no beginning and there is no end

nigel, i am not affraid to feel how much i love you.
i am not affraid

i thought coon meant cooter

and cooter means cunt

and im bleeding from it
bleeding on my skirts that i ride my bike in
bleeding on the bathrobe
bleeding in your hair
and you will go home
and you will wash it all out

- this had life in it

(Wet Concrete HERE)

[07 Jun 2005|04:58pm]

in the last few days of school you meet people whom you sigh about never having met before. never even seeing them. what lovely children

my skirt flew up on my bike and exposed bloddy boxers

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