sugar ants

today was like calling in sick to work for the second day in a row. Being on the receiving end of yet another five day weekend.

these girls are better off in my head.

I had a discussion with my mom about this feeling i have had when it comes to my job and my friends. She said i was like her because i would work hard under any condition. That is of course until i have had my fill. Checking out and not coming back.

On the scooter today i felt that autumn chill. the wind that serves as a warning. Its coming and there isnt a damn thing anyone can do about it.

I protest my living conditions and i hope to forge a new environment as soon as i can. some day we all gotta go.

i hated my father and i never wanted to be one

My brother doesnt believe in the negative aspects of karma. He is convinced that you steal his car stereo or bash his mailbox it doesnt mean that somthing will happen to you.
He told me that when one was raised with little love, or receives little love, they will be paid back. in a very serious way.

this weekend brought an end to a treasure hunt. but it was treasure we were looking for. i am hurt. Girls hurt boys with some regularity.

i will stop holding spent shotgun shells to my ears and pretending i enjoy the sound.

sensory deprivation.

(no subject)

well, if my itunes suffle setting is correct, the kids these days like to listen to iron and wine, eyes of autumn and joy division when they are gettting the party on. interesting.

so its thursday and tomorrow is friday. A weekly holiday and i am going to the seattle improvised music festival. i got new pens, more writing on the way. i am going to Philadelphia next month to check out living situations. (an hour.5 out of nyc? you kidding me?)
ithought this week was going to be so long. i dont like it when you dont feel new anymore. used up about to be discarded.


confused and not dazed.

casual friends. I am moving to new york as soon as i possibly can.  today was really nice but freezing. i like it that way. its a back handed compliment. You enjoy the sun but wear long sleeves.

I know damn well what i did to my liver. Last summer i almost melted it. The extraordinary part is that it had nothing to do with the consumption of alcoholic beverages. Thats my new poison. It almost feels like i know exactly why i was kept around. I heard somewhere that love is wanting what is best for the other person.

i am so confused. I do know that my mother calls me daily and writes twice a week and assures me i know myself so much more than i used to.
Just stay away from that girl.

my new resolutions are to never yell or cause pain like my father did, and  i wont hurt anything that has feelings if  i can possible help it.

i really just want my brother and his wife to be as happy as they pretend to be, my brother to come home from iraq. If he tells me to stop watching the news one more time.


flesh and bones

Its unfortunate that the amount of flesh i have torn from my own body while stressed will never add up to anything. much like drawings, some songs i wrote, and the photos i took. I have counted and there is enough to cover your body from head to toe. You would be dressed up in my sporadic thoughts , melodies, and snap shots. lets not forget that this morning i tore ever cuticle from every finger in an attempt take my mind off of my anxiety. i get worn out. i bleed. so what.

(no subject)

do you hate califonia because you know its going to fall into the ocean?

My brother emails me from iraq to tell me to pray for the fallen.

its even easier to quit you this time. I am getting used to your type.

(no subject)

i am completely surrounded by tall buildings engulfed by water and surround by trees, surrounded once more by mountains.

I dont know that anything exists outside this cold part of the world, and i dont really care to find out. I was thinking of something, i was trying to say something, other than lying naked in freezing water something sounds good. Like, um, hearing classical piano through a wall while i bury myself with blankets. Oh, and pillows.
it feels like i should of made more of myself. i should of went somewhere when i was 18.

Perhaps there is a reason why i write drones. and they seems to pour out of me.

(no subject)

got an interface. now i have a home studio. Only moments till i go platty and i forget all my old friends. I CANT WAIT! anyway, um, like, whatever,

cant you see what you've done to my heart

its interesting what my ipod will pla on shuffle.

i got a new one. ipod that is. i am at my mothers. its not bad at all.

went to american apparel and got a new sweart shirt yesterday. trying to break from my summer time mold of just wearing black shirts. this one is grey. feel like a rainbow. anyway, after that i went to vivaci( i think thats how you spell it). Well, anyway, i dont drink coffee anymore but on the rare occasion that i do, i only drink coffee from vivacci. THen i bought a beer and took it home put it in the fridge.

i turned 21 last month. i must of read a thousand faces. i wonder how everyone else is doing. freaking snow on the ground. can you even hear me?
you know whats good? sun ra.