Tags: gunporn


saddam hussein had the smallest penis in the world

the smaller prototype 'Baby Babylon', militarypictures.info

1988. The end of the Iran-Iraq War. Before Gulf War I, before Kuwait, before 9/11 and Operation Iraqi Freedom, when Saddam Hussein was nothing more than an obscure Middle Eastern dictator with a stockpile of biological weapons and a grudge against Kurds. Saddam calls Canadian artillery engineer Gerald Bull into his office.

"Mr. Bull," says Saddam. "I understand you are doing research on how to cannon people into space. You are probably in need of funding."

"Cut to the chase, Mr. Hussein," says Bull. They are old partners, due to Bull's previous work on the GC-45 howitzer and the Scud; Saddam's flair for the dramatic neither impresses nor intimidates him. "What do you really want?"

The dictator swivels around in his chair, watching smoke rise from the cigar in his hands. His signature black beret droops over his long, prematurely wrinkled forehead, but he makes no effort to adjust it. "I want you," he says, "to build me a gun."

"A gun, sir."

"Not just any gun. A very, very big gun."

"The biggest."

"The biggest gun EVER BUILT."


"And you will call it..." Saddam leans close, and speaks in a reverent whisper. "METAL GEAR PROJECT BABYLON."

"You're insane!" exclaims Bull.

"So are you, my friend. So are you."

They shake.

Two years later, shortly before the gun is completed, Bull is murdered outside his Brussels apartment under mysterious circumstances.

After the first Gulf War ends, the U.N. locates and destroys the half-completed gun.

Sound like a half-baked Tom Clancy thriller?

It is.

But it also actually happened in real life.

Truth is more awesome than fiction.
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kiowa died in a field of shit

I wonder if Tim O'Brien read this nasty little Iraq War anecdote, and shook his head. The more things change, the more they stay the same...

On a lighter note (or perhaps darker, in a different shade), this is an absolutely golden blog post about the controversy about the removal of the Soviet war memorial in Estonia (which, as well-informed readers may remember, is what led to the complete obliteration of Estonia's internet infrastructure by Russian hackers). I normally don't endorse political blogs, because by nature they tend to be little more than ill-informed, rumor-mongering, festering pools of confirmation bias. (Great thing about partisanship in the American blogosphere: you can build your information sources around your worldview, instead of the other way around. And as was true in ancient Rome, eloquence always trumps rigor. Facts don't summon torches and pitchforks fast enough, and let's face it--politics in the blogosphere is not so much about issues as much as it is about insulting people with opposing opinions.) But this blog is worth reading for the entertainment value alone. The most frequent contributor is a ornery git named "Crusader AXE of the Lost Causes," who, being a middle-aged, Irish, well-educated former career soldier, not to mention an aspiring seminarian turned antitheist, is so full of piss and vinegar he could dissolve a urinal by spitting in it. Which is, regardless of how much or how little you share his worldview, fucking hilarious.

Considering that he's a Vietnam vet (an enlisted man, no less, not a draftee), a former seminarian, a self-made businessman, and--if the dates in his autobiographical posts are any indication--well over the age of fifty, you'd expect he'd be one of the most diehard conservatives in America. But, shockingly, he's actually a very left-leaning libertarian. More than a few times he puts himself in the awkward position of being both extremely supportive of the troops we've committed to Iraq, going as far as to write about their individual needs regarding the safety of field equipment and the effectiveness of ammunition types, and extremely critical of their commander-in-chief. I guess after seeing more bullshit in the course of two decades than most people see in their entire lives, he's grown cynical of the typical war vet rhetoric and resigned himself to be a modern postwar Yossarian, commenting with resigned amusement on the absurdity of modern military history. He's learned to stop worrying and love the bomb. Maybe that's why his blog is called "The Defeatists."

(Technical warning: For some reason, leaving a window with his blog open for a while causes a flurry of Adobe Flash popups to appear, crashing Firefox. I don't know what's going on--bad site script, XSS attack, or what--but you might want to close your most important tabs before accessing that site.)
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mecha musume

- user_undefined, reacting to news of Japan's new military mascot, Prince Pickles

A new, bizarre meme is taking Japan by storm! Remember the OS-tans, which depicted Microsoft operating systems as meticulously designed, highly stylized anime girls? And the Gundam Girls, which simplified the highly complex designs of giant anime robots down to cute, swimsuit-like costumes? Well, it was only a matter of time before Japanese military geeks tried their hand at the anthropomorphization craze, and brought us some of the most adorably badass art ever.

This is an M4 Sherman tank, the mainstay of American ground forces during World War II...drawn as a plucky blonde catgirl with aviator goggles. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Toy collectors like oddtodd and saberslashalpha may be pleased to hear that the feisty miss M4 is part of an entire series of figurine kits by artist Shimada Humikane, which depict some of the most iconic military hardware of World War II as cute national-stereotype anime girls. The venerable Soviet T34 tank, which famously brought Hitler's advance into Russia to a standstill, is a defiant little Russian girl with a sloped skirt and a fuzzy hat. The British RAF Spitfire, which made a desperate last stand against the Luftwaffe over the skies of London, is a stoic (and slightly worried?) British lass with two submachineguns, dual propeller-legs, and a "BRING IT, BITCH" expression. (Compare with the cold, grim visage of its natural enemy, the elegant but terrifying Messerschmitt Bf109, which shot down more aircraft than any other plane in the war.) There's even what appears to be a German U-boat, which is extremely silly.

This stuff was made for the gunporn tag.

Notably, there are no Japanese Zero fighters. I guess Humikane felt he was already stepping on toes reminding Japan that World War II happened at all. A depiction of the Zero as a scared, hyperactive little Japanese girl with the Imperial Sun painted across her face and an about-to-explode jet engine on her back probably wouldn't fly with Japanese right-wingers. (So to speak.)

Since "mecha" encompasses not only robots and military hardware, but all technology, imageboard posters have taken things one step further and are starting to anthropomorphize everything. Mozilla Firefox, Cup Noodle, Gibson electric guitars, even the allegedly carcinogenic Pepsi Blue...nothing is sacred.

Even Takashi Murakami has taken notice of the phenomenon; his Brooklyn Museum exhibit features a nearly life-size sculpture of a naked woman transforming into a starfighter (with the vagina being the nose cannon). Worth seeing.

Also, for no reason, have this image of French maids kicking the Boston Dynamics Big Dog a lot.

(edit) Copy and paste the links into a new tab or window if you get 403 Forbidden errors.
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at what price neutrality?

Every time I walk by a gun store with assault rifles and other borderline-illegal weapons hanging in the window, I marvel at the weirdness of the right to bear arms. The Second Amendment is possibly the only thing about America that I will ever find exotic--it makes America one of the very few places in the world where carrying deadly weapons is seen not as the privilege of a free and stable society, but as an inalienable human right. Aside from the minority of Americans who keep guns only for hunting--and face it, if you've ever looked at gun blogs and gun mags, you'll realize that they are very much indeed the minority--it seems that gun-wielding Americans have entrenched themselves in the belief that reserving the right to murder is somehow sacred. It's a tradition we've kept for so long that we don't appreciate how bizarre it is, nor do we understand when people from other cultures react with shock and alarm. This, I think, must be a quality unique to America--the strange and inevitable consequence of geographical isolation and libertarian origins. Surely no other country is naive enough to allow its civilians to arm themselves like soldiers?

Then I think of Switzerland, and I take back everything I said.

There are few civilians in Switzerland. Every able-bodied male between the ages of 19 and 35 is in the military, be it in active duty or the reserve. Every last one. This isn't like Taiwan, where all able-bodied men have to do boot camp and sit in pillboxes for a couple of months. This is that, plus coming back once a year, every year, to prove that you are still capable of killing people.

All citizens are required to have a SIG 550 assault rifle in their homes. All of them. Each year each rifle owner is legally required to go to a shooting range and, in much the same way people take driver's exams in the United States, prove that they can blow the head off another human being at 200 yards (by shooting at a paper target). Blocks of 5.6mm Gw Pat 90 ammunition, nearly identical to the 5.56x45mm NATO rounds used in American M16s, are subsidized by the government, and fifty rounds are given to each citizen for free. Additional cartridges can be purchased from shooting ranges at a significant discount. Upon reaching the end of their military service, Swiss citizens have the right to purchase their service rifles and sidearms from the government for a very small fee.

Granted, all of this is very tightly regulated--every step of the way requires significant paperwork--but that still means somewhere between 1.2 million to 3 million military-grade firearms, depending on whose numbers you believe, floating around in civilian(?) households in Switzerland. With ammunition. That's a lot of guns.

It's not uncommon to see dudes walking around restaurants and convenience stores carrying weapons capable of shredding the lungs out of a full-grown adult at two hundred yards. Military-issued weapons cause 300 Swiss deaths a year. Most of them are suicides. Most of them.

Just now, Switzerland is realizing it might have a gun problem--after doing this for longer than America has been around. Just now.

Also, every building must have both a blast shelter and a radiation shelter. And the Swiss Alps are still one huge fucking fortress.

Say what you will about the gun control debate in America, but in New York, if I get shot at a failed holdup at the bodega, they'll take me to the hospital and patch me up. If I'm lucky, I might not even be paralyzed for life. In Zurich...dude, those 5.6mm rounds will tear right through sandbags. There probably wouldn't be enough left of me to clean up with a mop.
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defending the right to bear nunchucks

From the current revision of the Wikipedia article on nunchaku:

Although the certain origin of nunchaku is disputed, it is thought to come from China through the Japanese island of Okinawa[citation needed]. The Japanese word nunchaku itself comes from the Hokkien (Min Nan) word nng-chiat-kun(no-chiat kun)(兩節棍). When viewed etymologically from its Okinawan roots, nun comes from the word for twin, and chaku from shaku, a unit of measurement. The popular belief is that the nunchaku was originally a short flail used to thresh rice or soybeans (that is, separate the grain from the husk). Nunchakus originally carried sharp sticks in them, which was later upgraded to bullets, and finally, they were made of dynamite.

Oh, Wikipedia. You so crazy.

Also--and this I have confirmed off-Wikipedia--did you know that in New York, the possession of nunchaku in one's home is prohibited by law? Did you know that a totally awesome lawyer-cum-martial-artist has officially challenged the constitutionality of this specific provision under the Second Amendment? Did you know that the case has gone all the way to the Supreme Court?

Well, now you know. And knowing is half the battle!

(The other half is a stick made of wood, bullets, or dynamite.)

The original legal complaint is quality reading, too. It seems pretty frivolous at first but lawyer Jim Maloney actually makes a compelling case. I love how his motivation for learning nunchaku was that his father was stabbed to death when he was young, and nunchaku, with their good reach and hard-to-parry flexibility, are an excellent counterweapon against knives. I can imagine a young Maloney kneeling, Batman-style, over the corpse of his father, whispering "Father! You will not have died in vain. I will become a great nunchaku master and train all who come to me, so that no one shall ever be knifed again!!"

for those of you who thought the gunblades in final fantasy VIII were silly

Some of you scoffed when I showed you the knife pistols (badass short range dueling weapons) that I designed in high school. Well, scoff no more--long before our time, real life beat me to it. These don't look half as cool as the gunkata-themed ones I designed, which had rubber grips, a small basket hilt extending from the trigger guard, and a wide blade for parrying blows, but they were probably far more effective than mine ever would have been.

Particularly of note is the French Apache revolver (Dolne Brevete), which was simultaneously a handgun, a switchblade, and a brass knuckle. Needless to say, it looks ridiculous.

Also: the most awesome duel in the history of duels was fought in 1808 by two French noblemen with blunderbusses in hot air balloons. Sources are remarkably silent on the possibility that the loser, upon descent, was eaten by a giant fish.
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this is too soon how dare you

Thanks to David, there are now totally badass photos of Sabrina, Sam, Matt, Brandon, that girl whose name I don't remember, that guy whose name I don't remember, Erica, Kate, Peter, David, and me wielding Nerf guns in formal attire. So much for running for office!

I did a pose that, in retrospect, was one of the poses the VA Tech shooter photographed himself doing in between massacres. To atone for this sin, I did another one of his poses, but traded the guns for a goofy-looking sponge and a spatula. Take that, VA Tech shooter! I mock you!

I finished Metal Gear Solid 3 tonight. Such a beautiful ending. Such a beautiful game.
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