Kevin (erf_) wrote,

  • Music:

stars: a neo-kaiju one-act

(TESSA and RUSSELL lounge against a wall by a Wal-Mart parking lot, passing a bong. They are dressed in mostly leather and denim. TESSA's clothes have a pink motif; RUSSELL's, red. Occasionally a horrific guttural cry can be heard in the distance, somewhat akin to the sound of an elephant being raped by a pimpmobile. TESSA exhales through the bong and bubbles float out. She offers it to RUSSELL, who does the same. There does not appear to be anything but water inside.)

(All dialogue is spoken in an alien language, comprehensible only in subtitles.)

RUSSELL: Sounds like Grand Eater's got the shits.
TESSA: Lovely! Maybe we could ask Amy to super-size us a giant transforming geltab of Ex-Lax on our next deploy.
RUSSELL: (Chuckles.) As if Neo Albequerque doesn't already look like something took a dump on it.
TESSA: Come on, Russ, where's your sense of adventure? To hell with the mecha. We should just rappel up its shithole with a hundred-gallon tank of laxative, jab a couple climbing picks in its lower intestine, and wait for it to dehydrate itself to death. It'll be like that time we went rock climbing in Carlsbad, except instead of caves, it'll be ass!
RUSSELL: (Sardonically.) Oh babe. You totally know how to get my boner going.
TESSA: It's why you love me.
RUSSELL: Because you're an endless fount of awful mental images?

(RUSSELL pulls TESSA close and gives her an affectionate peck on the forehead. TESSA giggles and punches him in the shoulder.)

TESSA: You perv! You didn't just cop a feel just now, did you.
TESSA: Geez. Now I know why Amy tells me Lunar guys are all half space pig.
RUSSELL: (Rehearsedly.) Untrue. We are a mature and civilized people, and we mean you no harm. We come in peace, Earthling. Take me to your women.

(TESSA leans into his shoulder; RUSSELL strokes her hair affectionately.)
TESSA: At least I wasn't raised on a cell phone satellite. Loonie.
RUSSELL: You're a cell phone satellite. Slag.
TESSA: Your mom is a cell phone satellite.
RUSSELL: Oooooh. Them's fightin' words, Earthling. I am so fucking you, later. Just for that.
TESSA: See? (Gestures like a pig falling out of orbit.) Oink oink whoosh.

(Beat, as TESSA and RUSSELL enjoy a quiet moment of intimacy.)

RUSSELL: Anyway, Tess, you know what's wrong with your plan?
TESSA: Everything?
RUSSELL: You tell it to General Whittaker, he's going to take you seriously.
TESSA: You know what really scares me?
TESSA: You're right.

(TESSA takes a hit from the bong, ruminating. She exhales.)

RUSSELL: Shit, Tess.
RUSSELL: I hate giant robots.
TESSA: Who doesn't?

(The sound of plasma repeater fire can be heard in the distance. The ground shakes violently, and the horrifying guttural sound from before bellows again, piercingly loud; as it trails away it is accompanied by the staccato rumble of a squadron of starfighters crashing into the ground. RUSSELL and TESSA are entirely unperturbed.)

TESSA: Someone's got to fight that thing, though.
RUSSELL: Well, I don't see why it has to be us.
TESSA: Come on. Don't tell me you don't enjoy being a (Singing, grandiosely.) Vanguard Avenger Alpha! Saviors of humanity! Go! Go!
RUSSELL: It's not anything like it was in the cartoons.

(TESSA offers him the bong. RUSSELL just stares at it. TESSA tilts her head at him innocently. RUSSELL accepts it and takes a puff.)

TESSA: Hey now, Russkies. Don't be going all Evangelion on me.
RUSSELL: No, father! I'm too whiny to pilot the EVA!
TESSA: For serious. Last thing we need is another ADHD headcase on the squad.
RUSSELL: For the last time, Tess, I'm fine. I'm not going to end up like Roberto. He was always a fuckwit to begin with.
TESSA: This isn't about Roberto. This is about you. You haven't smiled in days.
RUSSELL: You're exaggerating.
TESSA: Less than I'd like.
RUSSELL: Yeah, well, what do you want me to do? It's the fucking end of the world, for crying out loud. Three-fourths of human civilization is crunching its way to the far end of Grand Eater's asshole. What's left to smile about?
(TESSA looks away.)
TESSA: I don't know, Russ. You tell me.


TESSA: You know, Roberto tried to put his hand down my panties once.
RUSSELL: That makes two of us.
TESSA: Seriously. He said Godzilla out there was turning him gay with its mindbeams.
RUSSELL: Lucky the shell shock got him first. I would have broken more than his mind.
TESSA: You're so romantic.

(Beat. No eye contact.)

TESSA: Look, I know it's only a matter of time before we have to climb into that thing again. But we've got a whole two days five hours and ten minutes before Amy gets the mecha repowered--
RUSSELL: It's not that.
TESSA: Then what is it?
RUSSELL: Everything.
TESSA: Everything what.
RUSSELL: Everything everything. You ever wondered what we're going to do after this?
TESSA: No, not really.
RUSSELL: Exactly. There is no after this. (Slinks down against the wall.) There is no stirring orchestral soundtrack. We're not going to settle down and start a potted meat plant and come back and plant memorial daisies with our eleven kids in the bleached bones of the Grand Eater while the credits roll. This is the end. There's never going to be a next generation and there's never going to be a sequel. (Caresses her face.) I'm never going to see you grow old--
TESSA: (Slinking down next to him.) You say that like it's a bad thing.
RUSSELL: I guess.
TESSA: This is all we have. No, more than that. This is all we'll ever know.
RUSSELL: The ultimate living in the moment?
TESSA: Might as well enjoy it, right? Consequences ceased to be a meaningful concept about two weeks ago.
RUSSELL: I guess if you put it that way. (Sighs.) Fuck you and your boundless optimism.
TESSA: Please enjoy it with me. Please?

(Eye contact.)

RUSSELL: I'll try.

(They kiss.)

TESSA: Wait. Eleven kids?
RUSSELL: Well, you know. Given everything we've been through, and how humans are technically an endangered species now, I figured, well, we'd just kind of never stop.
TESSA: (Hits him.) Horndog.
RUSSELL: The last in a very, very long line.
TESSA: (Runs her finger up his thigh, smiles.) Dibs.
RUSSELL: I want you to do something for me.
TESSA: Yes sir.
RUSSELL: Turn around and do this. (Puts his arms over his head, bends his right arm backwards and cups his right elbow with his left hand.)
TESSA: (Facing stage right.) Like this?
(Scoots up behind her and puts his hands on her tits, pulling her close, while nibbling on her neck and making exaggerated Grand Eater noises.)
TESSA: (Laughing.) You immature son of a bitch! (Leans back and runs her hand up his thigh.) I bet I'm the only woman on earth who wouldn't rip your balls off for that.
RUSSELL: (Running his hands down her chest and over her womb.) You're the only woman anywhere I'd have the balls to try it on.
TESSA: Shut up and fuck me.

(They start making out, but their foreplay is interrupted by a blaring air raid siren. They look up, reluctant to let go.)

TESSA: I guess go time is early.
TESSA: Well. Grand Eater's a-waitin'.
RUSSELL: No point in dallying.
TESSA: Yeah.
TESSA: Yeah.

(They begin to part, but RUSSELL clasps TESSA's hand in his.)

TESSA: Russ.
RUSSELL: At least. You know.
RUSSELL: I'll be right here with you when it all ends.


TESSA: Well, I guess we should get going.
RUSSELL: Into the breach!
TESSA: (Singing.) Vanguard Avenger Alpha! Go, go!
(RUSSELL harmonizes in a deep baritone. A metal iris opens up in the Wal-Mart wall, and RUSSELL and TESSA stroll inside dramatically, still singing. Their voices continue singing after the iris closes, audible from beyond the wall, and slowly fade out. Fade to black.)

Tags: love, space, theater, writing

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