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Jun. 1st, 2006 @ 06:19 pm you die. but wait...your medallion begins to glow!
Current Mood: just barely not on last legs anymore (thank God)
Current Music: Secret Garden - Prayer
Hey everyone. I'm still alive. I'm in Edison, New Jersey, in the back yard of my aunt's old house--a house I haven't seen in over ten years and never thought I'd see again. There are lots of trees out here--strikingly familiar New England elms and oaks--and old smells, smells so old I've forgotten I remember them, like week-old Virginia Slims butts and bricks of wet charcoal and subtle hints of toy perfume. Blogging from a wireless connection someone forgot to secure, with my laptop plugged into a covered socket on the side of the house--occasionally I'm snuggle-attacked by two adorable daschund puppies, one of who likes to pee on things. Things like me.

Didn't plan on coming to New Jersey, but here is where I ended up. I've been living life in ultra-fast-forward over the past two weeks, and there's reams of stuff I want to say--but that is for when I have the time for quiet reflection. Right now I have now to worry about. So here are the most important things about now, in a nutshell.

  • I'm in New Jersey until the 7th. After that, I'm heading to Taiwan for a week to face my inner demons (or the rotting corpses thereof). God only knows what I'm doing after that (save a brief stint volunteering for SIGGRAPH in Boston at the end of July). My cousin Serena very strongly wants me to go to San Francisco, where she lives--she's been pulling strings to find me work and housing, and as a former career counselor she is very good at that kind of thing. However, San Francisco is hella expensive in terms of rent and food, and I need work experience so badly that I might not be able to cover my living expenses. As an alternative, I've noticed that I have a bajillion connections in Maryland, and Boston is much cheaper--but given how little time I have to find work and housing, and given how there are far more computery jobs in San Fran than there are in Boston, switching gears at this point may not be a wise choice. I've been praying to God for guidance--not really clear on what He wants for me yet.

  • Miracles have been happening. Small miracles--nothing that would convert you if don't believe in them--but miracles nonetheless. I don't think I can cover them all at once, so I won't bother writing about them just yet, but let's just say that God couldn't be less subtle if he wrote giant flaming letters in the sky. There have been too many weird coincidences happening at once for them to be just coincidences--even my relatives have taken notice. Cedar Campus folk--remember when you guys prayed with me to ask God to cast out my inner demons? That's what He's doing. It is no coincidence that I'm back here in Edison. I was brought back here to deal with whatever it is that makes me wake up screaming in the middle of the night. And it's not going to be easy. Or pleasant. This is the therapy equivalent of an exorcism, and God is playing psychiatrist. Am I excited? Fuck yes. Am I scared? Fuck yes.

  • Much as I hate to whine about this, I'm completely out of steam. Not as in "oh man I so need a vacation," but as in "DEAR LORD HOW AM I STILL NOT DEAD". Ever since the beginning of finals week I've been giving 110% to everything, and she cannae take it any further, cap'n. Been living out of a suitcase for the past few weeks, haven't slept in a real bed for a while--at first I was doing the tough guy thing and reveling in it, even being proud of it, but goodness that kind of lifestyle saps the strength from you real quick. Commencement, while exciting, didn't really help much--it's like every chapter of the book of my life has decided to resolve itself in a climaxplosion of atomic magnitude; from all the drama that has happened over the last week alone I could write entire novels (and not very good ones). More than anything right now I need a week of sleep in a nice warm bed. That's not a luxury I can afford right now. The situation with my parents is pretty bad (and good God I do not want to be there but by God I have to), and I have just barely not enough time to find somewhere to live and somewhere to work over the summer. I've been getting a little rest over the last two days--feeling good enough to write, at least--but goodness fuck the little orange light over my gas indicator is blinking like crazy and all I can do is keep dumping in water and whatever little faith I have. If you are Christian or Jewish or have any semblance of an idea of God, please pray for me. I know it's kind of selfish to ask that of you, but oh God do I ever need Him right now. And not as a crutch--but as a tourniquet.

  • I need to write about Cedar Campus. I can't just yet--the entry I'm writing about it has grown so big that I have to split it into two parts, each with a different perspective--but it's important. My belief system remains completely unchanged--no brainwashing, no Kool-Aid--but I have a newfound desire to be close to God. I need to start going to church. I need to make prayer part of my everyday life. I need to be part of the community of believers even though they've done horribly evil things like inquisitions and crusades and the subjugation of beautiful cultures. I need to forgive Christianity--the church as a whole, and the evils of man in the service of good. I don't trust organized religion any more than I used to, but a Christian without a church is a sheep without a flock. And as rotten as it is, it's all a Christian has, aside from the Holy Spirit--and the Holy Spirit can be infuriatingly difficult to understand from just one perspective. I don't need the hysteria and the groupthink and the insularity and all the other sociological crap I once associated--and still associate--with the church, but I do need the things I could not possibly have understood as an atheist. The Christian community may look like just another silly social club on the outside, but underneath lies a deep and subtle power that is inextricably tied to God. Don't ask me to explain just yet. I might, later--it would take pages and pages.

    So. For those of you who just skimmed past everything up to this sentence, here's the gist.

    Boston. If you have any resources that could help me find work or housing in Boston for the rest of the summer, especially in publishing or computery things (IT, software engineering, even tech support), please let me know right away. I also have really low standards for housing--at this point a bed with an actual mattress is my idea of extravagant luxury. Call me if you have my number, send me an email if you don't. Anything will help--personal connections, classified ads, yellow pages, job boards, websites, anything. I am getting pretty desperate right now, and I could use all the help I can get.

    San Francisco. The same. This city is fucking expensive.

    Good God. There's a beaver staring at me right now. A beaver. I didn't even know New Jersey had beavers. I don't know why, but right now that is the most fucking hilarious thing ever.
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    toroko