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Mar. 16th, 2006 @ 01:53 pm i once was lost, but now am found/was blind, but now I see
Current Mood: annoyedspent
Current Music: The Vines - Be Thou My Vision
Though I was decently well rested, I went to bed right after Linear and slept right through lunch. Two and a half hours. Gah. Body, what is wrong with you?

Had a nightmare in which it was summer and I was back at NEHS, on the fourth floor landing. (Not an uncommon nightmare, and one that keeps coming true.) About half my graduating class was still hanging out there because it was the only familiar place to them and they didn't know where to go.

Some non-NEHSers were there, too, and they replaced NEHSers with similar personalities: Felicia became Erica, Joann became Aries, Tom Gorlin fused into Howard. I had grown so sick of the place that looking at it was gradually making me go blind. Everything just got fuzzier and fuzzier until I couldn't see anything anymore. I went to the cafeteria to buy some food--my feet knew the way, so it was no trouble--but I couldn't read the menu without straining my concentration. The lunch lady responded by giving me armfuls of hot dog buns and black sauce noodles and other things I liked to eat, since it was the end of lunchtime and she had to get rid of all that food somehow, and it took great dexterity to make it back to the classroom without dropping anything. I bumped into about five people on the stairwell and shared stupid jokes at my expense. Talked to some old friends for a while, which would have been fun had it not become increasingly like a radio show. Could barely see straight enough to eat.

Apparently there's an animal anxiety to slowly going blind, even if you know it's psychosomatic, and the breaking point for me was hugging a friend and realizing I didn't remember what she looked like. That was when I realized I had to run away. Anywhere but there.

I ran off and found myself in Cleveland, which was so hideously ugly that I got even blinder. And it was dangerous, then, because I couldn't read street signs and cars were coming up to me without making any noise and angry male voices would bump into me and shout "HEY! Watch where the fuck you're going!" I tried to get around this problem by cutting through lawns and climbing up the sides of parking tunnels, but this strategy only got me lost. And with my last shred of vision I followed two nuns into a tiny chapel, begging them for some kind of blessing to make the blindness go away, but they just chided me for interrupting service and bid me sit in a pew. And by now I was completely blind, the entire world just a blur of shape and color and organ music, and I leaned back in the pew delirious and nauseated and possibly crying, and suddenly I could hear the voices of various people from high school and college--not all of them Christian--coming into the chapel, and some of them were making fun of me.

"Kevin! Stooopid!" one of them said. "The school is just two blocks away, you fag!"
"I know," I told him dryly. "I was trying to get out of there."
"How the hell did you get lost two blocks away from the school?"
"I'm blind. I can't fucking see. Leave me alone."

The sermon was long and dull and in Chinese (and thus mostly incomprehensible to me), but when it was over and everyone was clapping I blinked my eyes and could see perfectly.

Not until I woke up did I realize that I had been the subject of a parable.
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Mar. 16th, 2006 @ 05:07 pm a simple equation
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Jimmy Rosenberg - The Flintstones
jazz + programming + dancing + flintstones = yes.
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