(no subject)

The days are so short now. It did not used to get dark so early. Part of me can't believe that I'm sitting here watching the sunset when it's not even four in the afternoon. Or, at least I think that's what time it is. There's no way to know if my watch is still working properly. For all I know, it's really closer to, like, eight in the evening or something. Somehow I doubt it though. Night falling early seems to go hand in hand with demons taking over the earth.

I stare at the sky changing colors, casting weird shadows through the trees, and I sigh. It should be pretty. Right? I should think it's pretty, watching the sunset in the middle of a nice healthy forest? Strange that I can't see beauty in much of anything anymore. I see Fred walk out from in between a couple of trees carrying what looks like the head of a demon. She's got it turned upside down and is staring into it's open neck.


Maybe it's not so strange that I don't think the world's very beautiful anymore.

I sigh again as I glance away from Fred and her demon head. I've been avoiding everyone for days. Well, since I ran out on Faith and Willow. I really need to stop that. Buffy would not want me to hide myself away. Neither would Mom.

Summers women do not hide.

Maybe it's time I remembered that.

Even if I do have to venture out into an ugly world to do it.

The Real Me

I run until I'm out of breath, and I collapse on the ground, shaking with a cold that I'm not sure is actually in the air. I lost Willow's jacket somewhere, I think, suddenly remembering that she gave it to me while we were talking.

I don't have it now, and I don't remember giving it back.

This is not good.

I have to find her jacket. She'll need it later.

I can sense the part of you that's the Key... but not the part of you that's you.

Her words echo in my mind, filling me with a sense of dread that I can't really describe. I know Willow said she couldn't feel the other people here, either, but she *can* feel a part of me. How can she feel a part of me and not another? That just doesn't feel right to me.

If she feels part of me, she should be able to feel all of me. It should be as simple as that. And if she can't ... if she can't.

What if I don't really exist? What if the spell that made me, that gave me form, is really just an illusion?

Am I real?

Was I ever real?

I wish Buffy was here.

I wish I could just crawl into a hole and not have to deal with any of this anymore.

  • Current Mood
    curious curious

Rampant Emotions

Okay. I think that last thought was a good one. I'm sitting here, talking to Xander, and I really should just get up and walk away.

He wants to talk about Willow. About how I feel about Willow being back.

Thing is, I really don't want to talk about that. If I give voice to how I feel ... won't that make it real? Won't that make it undeniably real? I wouldn't be able to take it back, would I?

If I tell someone that I'm mad at Willow for being back, that I don't think it's fair that *she's* alive and Buffy isn't ... I couldn't take that back.

And that would be a bad thing, I think.

It would hurt people if I said that.

Wouldn't it?

I just don't know anymore.

And I'm not sure that I care.
  • Current Music
    Sitting by the fire, talking to Xander