(no subject)

Babydoll bought me rollerblades! been waiting a year and some, Im totally wobbly and all over the place but really happy nonetheless.

totally crushin on this girl N, still too broke for new body mods and really anything besides my car payments and credit card bills. brothers joining the air force :]
this summer pretty much blows from what id imagined
i miss crazy times and having money and going out and being free. what the hell am i doing?
where is everyone? id somehow forgotten that people have things to do, and wasnt aware, obviously, how brutal summer school was for myself, so im really bummed my fantasy summer of meems dylan katie adrian john and i all traveling and getting lost and losing our clothes and having adventures isnt real or close to happening.

oh yeah i spent a week in new york in the beginning of june, it was so fucking magical and needed and amazing and refreshing, i can only think about going again and wait in an extremely tense and anxious state until ill be graced with the opportunity.

anyway idk what else, i always wait to long to update and forget all thats going on.
  • Current Music
    la roux

(no subject)

I'm healed!
i cant say how or exactly when but for the time being im not a dissolving puddle of spaz depression and panic. its great!

online school started
im dying my hair blue
caught up with a few people and actually feel like being social again. its a miracle!
i also have a laptop and some exciting new books to read.

please energy of the universe let this happiness stay a while.


happy weekend everybody


bitch bitch bitch

i dont know whats wrong with me.

[god this sounds like so many entries every so often through middle and high school when the negative waves came crashing down again. ]

in the beginning of november i went on a road trip to california and it was amazing and beautiful and freeing and calming and i felt refreshed totally and completely and in love with life again. i felt like all the positive energy inside me could be pushed towards whatever i wanted to hold on to, including the boyfriend whos moods are often hard to handle and i was right. even when he got low or agitated it didnt puncture my high, if anything it dissipated with my warm cuddling and carefree smiles. at the end of november i decided to try to learn to type correctly and even got an on the side data entry type job that was earning a nice amount of money to pay off my speeding tickets and other bills. my certificate of deposit came out at the end of december and i think things were still going well and new years hit and like i said up and down as usual but going fabulous into the first week of january. chopped off my dreads. sometimes dig it sometimes hate it. idk doesnt really feel like it matters one way or the other right now. so after all of that i feel like ive finally crashed really hard. the past 4 days were heaven, though for a horrible reason that adds to my panic right now i know. and its over and it wasnt right to begin with and now im thinking idk how people go to work or keep up relationships or have hope.

i havent hung out with friends in months. ive spent hundreds of dollars on shit. 
i feel panicked. tired.lost.lonelyheaysadfallingapart. w h a t t h e f u c k.
im going crazy i want to cry and scream and be held and i cant fight it i cant bring myself to get out of bed or hang out or have energy.
this is so wrong.

(no subject)

Cant say my jumping into the new year was the way id imagined but i guess its just a test to see if ill continue to be a wuss or buck up get real and tough and happy this year.

got an angry kiss at midnight but its better than no kiss.

chopping my locks tmrw.

i want to forgive
i want to let go
i want to be healthy

fearless and free.

good vibes in 2010

i love new beginnings
  • Current Music


Good morning!

I want to say that i've been doing really well not getting overly sucked into the tube lately, i've also tried not to be a complete hermit, or spend too much money, or even eat meat.

i've only fucked up on all of these accounts a couple times in the past two months and i gotta say the most ridiculous relapse has happened today! just this morning in fact and its actually still in progress. one overly tanned loud mouth italian girl and a sickly ripped and arrogant italian boy in the first 10 minutes of morning tv viewing and I CANT TURN IT OFF. ahhhhh i feel a sizzling in my head but my eyes wont avert. now im going to go on and give my totally unnecessary opinions on people in the house. hooray!

snooki... idek, please calm down. i like you least out of all the girls.
angelina... i know i probably should be irritated by you but i want to know you and i want you to have my back. plus youre the most attractive girl in the house and come on ill be shallow right now im watching fucking jersey shore.
sweetheart... i really like you more than the other girls and im sorry you fell for the situation player heartbreaker [i did too].
jwoww and dj pauly... blech just blech.
the situation... what the fuck! you fucking casanova, dont be a genuine honey if you wanna play the game im disappointed in you i thought you could handle your shit better than you have. if youre gonna play the game go play but dont play emotions. fuck the slut not the sweetheart. just because youre the cutest guy in the house doesnt give you a free get by as a douchebag pass. i really like you! get good man.
ronnie... from what ive seen and you sticking close to the house girls instead of the beach sluts i def dig you right now. also i want some ronron juice.
vinny... i havent been paying attention to you but you obviously arent as irritating as pauly.

sorry for that i couldnt help myself.

EDIT: sweetheart you fucking whore, mike was trying, i mean come the fuck on you could see that and you hopped on someone else, ronrons juice cannot be that good to crush a player quitting the games heart. WHATAFUCKINGBITCH. mike let the douchebaggyness begin.

after rereading all that i feel like ive been possessed by an obsessive dramaqueen... scary shit! ahahaha im really done now.

happy wednesday!
im house sitting all day woohoo.
  • Current Music
    random tracks by domi

too long but good for my future rereading.

Hello! wow 2007 huh, ive decided to write in this thing again. And honestly it may not be everyday but i feel like it might stick for a while. if anyone reads this bunk still WELCOME ME HOME?

I cant remember everything thats happened since august 2007 but ill try to fill in major points

never got to school, did get those nipple piercings, a nostril piercing and another tattoo.

worked as a crossing guard for the 07-08 school year
have just been baby/house/pet/elderly sitting since then. sat a couple pre teen girls in 08 and became somewhat of a chauffeur, also the youngest thought it a good idea to rip up my check and write that i didnt deserve it on the back after i bitched her out for being a brat. haha good times. i helped with divas grandmother for a while. im so blurry and time warped im not sure when i started sitting the twins but its been a while and im still with them and love the family to death and do anything i can other than watch the kids when i can. cared for the elderly woman next door to them for a couple months. yeah job wise thats where im at, just scraping by and making it one month at a time but im getting data entry experience right now and learning to type correctly.

I think diva moved to japan august 08 and visited about a year later, when he returned to school august 09 domi left for boston, our relationship had been on a hxc downward spiral since march of 09 though so i guess i shouldnt be surprised that ive lost complete and total touch with her. still im crushed.

ive met new people, fought and forgiven people, fought and kicked people the fuck out of my life, and re met and bonded with a friend from third grade, for the most part im slacking on keeping in touch but hey new years is coming i sure do love me some resolutions. ha.

hmm, i saved $1000 last december and put it in a CD so thats coming out soon, im slowly paying off my credit cards. buying a laptop.

i bought a new car [with the down payment help of my mother] but im making my own payments and i love her [trixie] and have already taken a road trip to cali. it was fucking amazing, enlightening and happy and wonderful almost all the way around. i went with dylan and we slipped into new personas and i cant cant cant wait until our next trip.

over surprisingly deep and dangerous puddles and across endless valleys of thorns ive hopped up to a clearing once again and am still, 3 yrs 9 mo later, with the sexy bosnian boy who jacked my heart. :] its good it really is, he hasnt stopped being everything even in times i thought it was over.

im starting school in january but just a couple easy classes online to test my commitment waters. the plan is to take math and sociology with haley over the summer, im actually really excited and i need to see her so tada, getting my ass into gear finally.

other random updates:
still havent grown any boobs
still dont smoke pot
contemplating cutting my dreads after new years
getting waves of life excitement
feeling pretty appreciative of all the people ive bonded with
my brothers getting his license soon!
just bought a piercing needle and rings so my buddy sean can get my snake bites rockin.

brains buggin out... it is 4:53.... night!

p.s. heres what i look like these days

  • Current Music
    chelsea - stefy

(no subject)


like... people
and shit that people do
even the shit i do
because its actually really annoying.

fuck you
and fuck you
and fuck everybody
and all the things youre doing thats driving me insane.

fuck psycho boys
fuck drunk pre teens
and screaming
and being all fucking scene.
fuck silly pseudo lovestruck boys

and me
of course fuck me.

because im stupid
and i do all the same shit
and put up with all the same shit
and im a liar.

[[[dont forget hxctease!]]]

so fuck everything
we do
and are
and think about 

its not.

so much love


just life

shit happens.
lots to me apparently.
but i think im okay.

and i really didnt think id be.
finished the week before finals in a numb happy state of mind.
finished finals week totally great,
with a few bittersweet moments but mostly great, hanging out, minimal school.

adventures have happened, connections made.
last friday was a blast. 4 hour dancing. mingling. not sleeping.

shitty austin trip sunday to monday
but im not holding that idea in case theres a next time.

montrose today with beauty.
i love when people visit. especially hot girls who live in egypt.

im missing things. a lot. a little. dreams here. twinges of feeling there.
i want to move to the next plane. i hate stuck in neutral when it feels more like a tough love limbo.

friday excitement comes this week. trashed. cute.
saturday night family dinner.
christmas monday. dont feel like it.

tuesday might hold magic ideas and weird sights but things are uncertain.
though theyre hardly ever actually accomplished, i love making new years resolutions.
hell yeah 2007.

  • Current Music
    teardrop // massive attack

(no subject)


no problem
no problem
can you say pms?
yes its for real
yes it feels awful

i am tears
i am anger
i am having a hell of a time trying to keep off an extra 5 pounds with all the shit i cant stop myself from drowning my sorrows in.


im a freakin jekyll and hyde show.