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[24 Jul 2010|10:38pm]
[ mood | high ]

Babydoll bought me rollerblades! been waiting a year and some, Im totally wobbly and all over the place but really happy nonetheless.

totally crushin on this girl N, still too broke for new body mods and really anything besides my car payments and credit card bills. brothers joining the air force :]
this summer pretty much blows from what id imagined
i miss crazy times and having money and going out and being free. what the hell am i doing?
where is everyone? id somehow forgotten that people have things to do, and wasnt aware, obviously, how brutal summer school was for myself, so im really bummed my fantasy summer of meems dylan katie adrian john and i all traveling and getting lost and losing our clothes and having adventures isnt real or close to happening.

oh yeah i spent a week in new york in the beginning of june, it was so fucking magical and needed and amazing and refreshing, i can only think about going again and wait in an extremely tense and anxious state until ill be graced with the opportunity.

anyway idk what else, i always wait to long to update and forget all thats going on.

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[22 Jan 2010|01:15am]
I'm healed!
i cant say how or exactly when but for the time being im not a dissolving puddle of spaz depression and panic. its great!

online school started
im dying my hair blue
caught up with a few people and actually feel like being social again. its a miracle!
i also have a laptop and some exciting new books to read.

please energy of the universe let this happiness stay a while.


happy weekend everybody

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bitch bitch bitch [17 Jan 2010|09:19pm]
i dont know whats wrong with me.

[god this sounds like so many entries every so often through middle and high school when the negative waves came crashing down again. ]

in the beginning of november i went on a road trip to california and it was amazing and beautiful and freeing and calming and i felt refreshed totally and completely and in love with life again. i felt like all the positive energy inside me could be pushed towards whatever i wanted to hold on to, including the boyfriend whos moods are often hard to handle and i was right. even when he got low or agitated it didnt puncture my high, if anything it dissipated with my warm cuddling and carefree smiles. at the end of november i decided to try to learn to type correctly and even got an on the side data entry type job that was earning a nice amount of money to pay off my speeding tickets and other bills. my certificate of deposit came out at the end of december and i think things were still going well and new years hit and like i said up and down as usual but going fabulous into the first week of january. chopped off my dreads. sometimes dig it sometimes hate it. idk doesnt really feel like it matters one way or the other right now. so after all of that i feel like ive finally crashed really hard. the past 4 days were heaven, though for a horrible reason that adds to my panic right now i know. and its over and it wasnt right to begin with and now im thinking idk how people go to work or keep up relationships or have hope.

i havent hung out with friends in months. ive spent hundreds of dollars on shit. 
i feel panicked. tired.lost.lonelyheaysadfallingapart. w h a t t h e f u c k.
im going crazy i want to cry and scream and be held and i cant fight it i cant bring myself to get out of bed or hang out or have energy.
this is so wrong.
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[02 Jan 2010|01:21am]
Cant say my jumping into the new year was the way id imagined but i guess its just a test to see if ill continue to be a wuss or buck up get real and tough and happy this year.

got an angry kiss at midnight but its better than no kiss.

chopping my locks tmrw.

i want to forgive
i want to let go
i want to be healthy

fearless and free.

good vibes in 2010

i love new beginnings
1 comment|post comment

mtv's JERSEY SHORE [09 Dec 2009|10:32am]
Good morning!

I want to say that i've been doing really well not getting overly sucked into the tube lately, i've also tried not to be a complete hermit, or spend too much money, or even eat meat.

i've only fucked up on all of these accounts a couple times in the past two months and i gotta say the most ridiculous relapse has happened today! just this morning in fact and its actually still in progress. one overly tanned loud mouth italian girl and a sickly ripped and arrogant italian boy in the first 10 minutes of morning tv viewing and I CANT TURN IT OFF. ahhhhh i feel a sizzling in my head but my eyes wont avert. now im going to go on and give my totally unnecessary opinions on people in the house. hooray!

snooki... idek, please calm down. i like you least out of all the girls.
angelina... i know i probably should be irritated by you but i want to know you and i want you to have my back. plus youre the most attractive girl in the house and come on ill be shallow right now im watching fucking jersey shore.
sweetheart... i really like you more than the other girls and im sorry you fell for the situation player heartbreaker [i did too].
jwoww and dj pauly... blech just blech.
the situation... what the fuck! you fucking casanova, dont be a genuine honey if you wanna play the game im disappointed in you i thought you could handle your shit better than you have. if youre gonna play the game go play but dont play emotions. fuck the slut not the sweetheart. just because youre the cutest guy in the house doesnt give you a free get by as a douchebag pass. i really like you! get good man.
ronnie... from what ive seen and you sticking close to the house girls instead of the beach sluts i def dig you right now. also i want some ronron juice.
vinny... i havent been paying attention to you but you obviously arent as irritating as pauly.

sorry for that i couldnt help myself.

EDIT: sweetheart you fucking whore, mike was trying, i mean come the fuck on you could see that and you hopped on someone else, ronrons juice cannot be that good to crush a player quitting the games heart. WHATAFUCKINGBITCH. mike let the douchebaggyness begin.

after rereading all that i feel like ive been possessed by an obsessive dramaqueen... scary shit! ahahaha im really done now.

happy wednesday!
im house sitting all day woohoo.
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too long but good for my future rereading. [07 Dec 2009|04:54am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Hello! wow 2007 huh, ive decided to write in this thing again. And honestly it may not be everyday but i feel like it might stick for a while. if anyone reads this bunk still WELCOME ME HOME?

I cant remember everything thats happened since august 2007 but ill try to fill in major points

never got to school, did get those nipple piercings, a nostril piercing and another tattoo.

worked as a crossing guard for the 07-08 school year
have just been baby/house/pet/elderly sitting since then. sat a couple pre teen girls in 08 and became somewhat of a chauffeur, also the youngest thought it a good idea to rip up my check and write that i didnt deserve it on the back after i bitched her out for being a brat. haha good times. i helped with divas grandmother for a while. im so blurry and time warped im not sure when i started sitting the twins but its been a while and im still with them and love the family to death and do anything i can other than watch the kids when i can. cared for the elderly woman next door to them for a couple months. yeah job wise thats where im at, just scraping by and making it one month at a time but im getting data entry experience right now and learning to type correctly.

I think diva moved to japan august 08 and visited about a year later, when he returned to school august 09 domi left for boston, our relationship had been on a hxc downward spiral since march of 09 though so i guess i shouldnt be surprised that ive lost complete and total touch with her. still im crushed.

ive met new people, fought and forgiven people, fought and kicked people the fuck out of my life, and re met and bonded with a friend from third grade, for the most part im slacking on keeping in touch but hey new years is coming i sure do love me some resolutions. ha.

hmm, i saved $1000 last december and put it in a CD so thats coming out soon, im slowly paying off my credit cards. buying a laptop.

i bought a new car [with the down payment help of my mother] but im making my own payments and i love her [trixie] and have already taken a road trip to cali. it was fucking amazing, enlightening and happy and wonderful almost all the way around. i went with dylan and we slipped into new personas and i cant cant cant wait until our next trip.

over surprisingly deep and dangerous puddles and across endless valleys of thorns ive hopped up to a clearing once again and am still, 3 yrs 9 mo later, with the sexy bosnian boy who jacked my heart. :] its good it really is, he hasnt stopped being everything even in times i thought it was over.

im starting school in january but just a couple easy classes online to test my commitment waters. the plan is to take math and sociology with haley over the summer, im actually really excited and i need to see her so tada, getting my ass into gear finally.

other random updates:
still havent grown any boobs
still dont smoke pot
contemplating cutting my dreads after new years
getting waves of life excitement
feeling pretty appreciative of all the people ive bonded with
my brothers getting his license soon!
just bought a piercing needle and rings so my buddy sean can get my snake bites rockin.

brains buggin out... it is 4:53.... night!

p.s. heres what i look like these days

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[31 Dec 2006|09:52am]

like... people
and shit that people do
even the shit i do
because its actually really annoying.

fuck you
and fuck you
and fuck everybody
and all the things youre doing thats driving me insane.

fuck psycho boys
fuck drunk pre teens
and screaming
and being all fucking scene.
fuck silly pseudo lovestruck boys

and me
of course fuck me.

because im stupid
and i do all the same shit
and put up with all the same shit
and im a liar.

[[[dont forget hxctease!]]]

so fuck everything
we do
and are
and think about 

its not.

so much love


1 comment|post comment

just life [20 Dec 2006|03:42am]
shit happens.
lots to me apparently.
but i think im okay.

and i really didnt think id be.
finished the week before finals in a numb happy state of mind.
finished finals week totally great,
with a few bittersweet moments but mostly great, hanging out, minimal school.

adventures have happened, connections made.
last friday was a blast. 4 hour dancing. mingling. not sleeping.

shitty austin trip sunday to monday
but im not holding that idea in case theres a next time.

montrose today with beauty.
i love when people visit. especially hot girls who live in egypt.

im missing things. a lot. a little. dreams here. twinges of feeling there.
i want to move to the next plane. i hate stuck in neutral when it feels more like a tough love limbo.

friday excitement comes this week. trashed. cute.
saturday night family dinner.
christmas monday. dont feel like it.

tuesday might hold magic ideas and weird sights but things are uncertain.
though theyre hardly ever actually accomplished, i love making new years resolutions.
hell yeah 2007.

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[30 Nov 2006|01:10am]
so ive sucked at update lately anyway
but im taking more of a break so...

you dont like slackers on your list
defriend me now :]
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[29 Nov 2006|01:38am]


no problem
no problem
can you say pms?
yes its for real
yes it feels awful

i am tears
i am anger
i am having a hell of a time trying to keep off an extra 5 pounds with all the shit i cant stop myself from drowning my sorrows in.


im a freakin jekyll and hyde show.

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[28 Nov 2006|11:57pm]

happy day
pointless post

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[26 Nov 2006|08:02pm]
one month of bad karma and shitty feeling.
a whole month!
and the 4th week really killed me. MAJOR. i was dead i was ill i was missing.

then thanksgiving week. and what. im whole again.
theres no school
theres no people
theres me and things and love.

p o i n t l e s s.

i dont like holidays
except for getting a break
food is sometimes good. but not lately
gifts havent held so much importance
people, there are only a select few i want in most cases

its lame! im such a humbug

i have a headache
i love too much
i dont want to work
and school starts again tomorrow.

Hope you all had a good one. i guess.
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[18 Nov 2006|07:01pm]

i say

you say

we say

touch touch touch

it's a lot to handle

it's a lot to deal with

hold on

hold on



i don't leave cause im afraid to be alone

but it doesn't really matter now youre gone [-keaton simons]




no shoes

no shirt

no pants

no thought



tear me rip me
you taste like coffee creamer

[[[plague me synesthesia.]]]

I want to be that
that. t h a t love
flower child. crazy lover. baby angel.

no stationary pictures. nothing planned.

just blurs. always moving shifting, spontaneity.

over and over and over again

but always new and so calm it's never burnt out.


she paints warped works

dances like nothing

tells you things will be okay and they will.


expert liar, brutal honest

brightly clean

runaway grunged.



like those rare walkers of the 3am beach

2-day raver

up for anything.


shes emotion



whiskey haze and everything you want.

ive got one. ive got one
i m p u l s i v e
and that gets me...

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racey spacey [16 Nov 2006|04:02am]

we are so unalike. like.. too unalike to have thought of anything longterm.

realization is awful!

all i want all i want all i want is something new and more.
filled pockets for dulled hours
a party in a bag
   party in a bag
             in a bag
                  a bag
this aint my bag baby.
this. th is .t h i s nothing ness.

is too often a need.

so, like, i was thinking, that like, all the things i never wanted
seem to happen. ha.
karamella. m m m.

i said we were waves.
i meant we were spirited. born again. and again.
it turns out we fade in and out. of us and each other.
any soulmate ive claimed. it happens again!
oh history history.

wish wish wish people saw me like this
wish wish wish people heard me like this
wish wish wish people loved me like this
i would be so much more beautiful all swirled in colors and sounds and waves

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gosh im depressing! [03 Nov 2006|02:32am]
got myspace back. el oh el.

halloween sucked except the end. spent the night with babydoll and really it was the best feeling in forever, waking up in his house and just :]. wednesday had bad karma so i apologized for some of my awful habits and tried to be a good person. today was very long. and every time ive gone to sleep this week ive had shitty dreams. wtf. help me.


i need to know.
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[24 Oct 2006|03:38pm]
i tend to plan without letting others in on it.
i wish you would want to come with me.

i like to dream, but then i get caught up in hoping it would really happen.

school is mediocre
im a fuck up
i wish i could take things back. screw living without regrets. i really would take this back. it wouldnt change a hell of a lot in a crazy different sense so, i wish i could, and i most definitely would.

i deleted myspace.
i know it wont be gone for long, addiction consumes me, but while my phone is in possession of the school, aim annoys and myspace sits idle i feel a little more free, though out of the loop.

i want last semester back.
all those things that happened. all i felt and did right.
blow me.

i say im trying, but im probably not.
i think ive been on giving up edge for a long time.

things are okay.
i think
changed and awfully sad
but maybe okay.
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[14 Oct 2006|03:49pm]
ahhhh things are happening!
today is happy, i havent had a really happy day alone for so long.
my mom is finally getting her thoughts together, she's listened to some of my advice and is leaving behind the responsibility she's been carrying since she was 15. it was wonderful to actually see her dancing in the car this morning.

you have no idea.

our plans are so above school im not worried about how this year goes academically as long as i graduate.

birthday party tonight
i miss my weekends with love but if im unwanted id rather skip out until missing me comes back.

have a good weekend you guys

and though i sometimes feel a doom coming upon I LOVE YOU CR.
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october babyyyy [07 Oct 2006|12:17pm]
people need to stop lying to each other and they need to wake up and they need to chill out. its really grating on me and usually even if there are complaints i take it all in okay.
but christ

you do not look like a celebrity
you are not in love
you are not the hottest shit
you are not faithful
you are not trying
you are not sweet
you are not special
you are not my best friend
you have no fucking idea what you're talking about or what you're doing.

life is not that hard. sometimes its awesome and sometimes it blows, that shit happens to everyone. 

i do not just think i love you
i do not follow the advice i give
i do not know where im going in life
i do not only flirt with you
i do not think im huge
i do not think im thin
i do not want to listen to you talk about anything. ever.

Austin weekend, girls boys college freedom.
i want to be someone else for the next couple days.

i dig a lot of you

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[03 Oct 2006|06:36pm]
screw that, life's shitty

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[01 Oct 2006|07:47pm]

just wrote a really long entry, that got deleted. thank you internet.

-im fucking needy

-lifes not so bad. schools not hard. party party weekends.

-friday night, dancing, drinks bought by mister 30, we giggled and screamed and set off the jail bait thoughts even though 17 is legal in texas. laughed a little loud, danced a little crazy, played the hardcore tease.
-saturday night, homecoming, danced my ass off, sweaty as fuck. austins after. drink, dance, yell, pass out around 7am. 
-sunday, hang around austins, watch waiting, eat too much ice cream, cant get off the topic of sex.

not looking forward to monday

next weekend might hold a trip to austintx. hellyes. college college baby.

tell me something you havent told anyone else yet. anonymous or not.
go go go.

-chelsea valentine

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