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Random Ramblings of a Procrastinating Princess
Be prepared with an open mind, or gtfo
[FIC] Beating for You Pt. 1 (A) 
11th-Sep-2008 02:50 am
YH <+3 JJ
I hope you find this interesting! I was very excited when I started writing it!
I recommend listening to the song in the middle while you read it to enhance the effect ^__^ Please enjoy! Sorry it's not finished yet... ^^;;

What began as soft drizzling soon progressed into torrents of icy sheets pounding relentlessly on the cityscape of Seoul. Everything was slick with the intense rain of late summer, making the roads a heavily dimpled mirror to whatever lights chanced to reflect off the shallow build-up of water.

A white van with tinted windows whizzed on through the harsh storm, trying to hurriedly get to point B after leaving point A. Its windshield wipers danced from side to side frantically, brushing a limitless amount of rain just nearly fast enough for the driver behind the glass to glimpse clearly every other second at the stretch of shiny freeway before the vehicle.

Deeper inside the van, five young men were strewn almost like dirty laundry across the seats, obviously exhausted. Some of them were already asleep, their heads resting on cushions, or on someone else’s shoulder, their fatigue making them oblivious to the rolling thunder outside, which penetrated the van periodically.

In the two seats behind the driver, Micky and Junsu looked almost tangled together. The taller of the two leaned limply against the side of the van with a large pillow cradling his head, while the younger seemed to half spread himself over the cramped Yoochun, head lolling to the jostle of the van on his band mate’s shoulder.

Behind them sat the two eldest and the youngest of the group; the famous pretty boy sandwiched between the leader and the tallest. Jaejoong seemed the most comfortable out of all five of them, his head resting on a round cushion positioned on the backing of their seat, his spine just the right height for his head to tilt back at a restful angle.

Changmin did not have that luxury on his side of the van. The headrest of his seat was firmly in place, preventing him from leaning back so he wouldn’t have to suffer the horrible feeling of falling asleep with his chin against his chest. He was also devoid of a pillow, having been too slow to claim one once everyone piled grumpily and hastily into their van. He let out a frustrated sigh at his vain attempts of finding a cozy position to doze in.

“Changmin-ah, here,” he heard a familiar voice offer him. The lanky teen looked to his right where Jaejoong held out his round cushion, giving up the comfort he almost fell asleep in to his weary dongsaeng.

Too tired to argue or even consider refusing, Changmin smiled with all the gratitude he could muster at the moment and took the soft pillow from Jaejoong. “Thanks hyung.” He then quickly proceeded to imitate Micky’s sleeping position.

Satisfied with taking care of the youngest group member, the beautiful singer tried to return to his previous position, albeit, without the comfort-giving cushion. No sooner did he tilt his head back to make another attempt at napping than an annoying and muffled buzzing cut through the air.

With a tired sigh, Yunho began to rummage into one of his pant pockets for his cell phone. Taking a second to read the call display he flipped the phone open with a fluid motion of his thumb.

“Yoboseyo? Hey, hun… Yeah, we’re done. We got on the highway a little while ago… Sorry, I totally forgot. There was so much going on before. We’re all really tired… It’ll be on T.V tomorrow, okay? I’ll call you again later tonight… Okay, I miss you too…”

Tiredly, the leader of the famous group flipped his phone shut and shoved it back into one of his pockets.

Looking at his friend with a soft smile, Jaejoong asks, “Soori checking up on you?”

Raking his hand through his hair, the younger answers, “Yeah, I said I’d call her once we left the T.V station but it was such a long day that I totally forgot about it.”

“Ah, well, at least it shows she cares,” Jaejoong added with a rather forced smile.

“I guess… Sometimes I don’t want to deal with it though… There’s just so much going on that I don’t want to fit her into my schedule, you know?” Yunho responded with a sigh full of exhaustion.

“But isn’t being in love a wonderful feeling?” the elder of them asked, his voice with a light hint of sadness.

“I swear we’ve had this conversation a million times before, Joongie,” Yunho said with a raised brow, “I really don’t know if I love her or not. It’s better to ask ‘isn’t it great to have a girlfriend’. This is partially a relationship of convenience, remember? Besides, if she wasn’t chasing after you in the first place, we would have never met.”

Jaejoong’s pretty eyes widened in mock surprise, “So you’re blaming your relationship on me? Wait, maybe I should feel proud that I brought the two of you together. In that case, I accept your gratitude.”

Yunho slapped lightly at the other singer’s arm, chuckling in the process, “Stop talking like you’re some sort of master matchmaker. If she wasn’t the niece of Lee Sooman, I wouldn’t have spent that much time getting to know her.”

“Now you sound like you’re taking one for the team or something,” Jaejoong teased, half hoping in his heart that it was the truth.

Yunho laughed in reply. “Nah, Soori is a nice girl. She’s not perfect, but I’m happy when I’m with her…” he trailed off softly.

“So she’s your type of girl, huh?” Jaejoong blurted out, kicking himself mentally for doing so.

There was a pause where it seemed like Yunho looked at the other man in contemplation. “I’m… not sure… yet. There are things I don’t like about her… Like how she’s possessive, and clingy, and needy… But I figure all girls are like that… so… I can tell she really tries to care about me though… sometimes,” he mutters at the end.

With a knowing and somewhat painful sigh, Jaejoong started to lean his head back again. The need to torturously absorb Yunho’s words into his heart a piece at a time was overwhelming.

“Hey, c’mere.”

The stronger of the two pushed his arm under Jaejoong’s slim neck, clasped his hand on the other’s shoulder, and drew the pale beauty into him. “Since you were playing umma again, and gave up your pillow to our Minnie, you can sleep on my shoulder.”

“You make it sound like such a privilege,” Jaejoong almost laughs.

“Of course it is! Do you know how many people would just die to rest their head on my broad shoulders? It’s not just a privilege, it’s a freakin’ honour, Kim Jaejoong,” the young man teased, holding his friend’s nose and shaking the other’s head lightly.

The singer’s face lit up with a quiet giggle at the other man’s playful conceitedness, batting away the hand teasing his nose. “How is it such a great honour when you’ve already shared it with your girlfriend?” Quickly he added, “Or your sister, and probably even Donghae or Heechul?”

At that, the leader let a loving smile stretch his handsome face. Resting his right hand on Jaejoong’s collar bone, his thumb stroked absently at the silky skin under the singer’s jaw line. “That’s because you’re the only person that I always put my arm around when I offer my shoulder.”

Jaejoong felt the breath get caught up in his throat. Intense warmth was creeping its way up to his ears and across his face. His large eyes were caught up by Yunho’s unwavering gaze, full of love and longing, with an unmistakable gleam of pain.

“Yunnie-ah…” the syllables escaped from his full lips, floating across their scant distance between each other to caress Yunho’s soul. Jaejoong’s slender fingers reached up to brush the more masculine hands at his shoulder, stilling the other man’s absentminded stroking. The question “why is that?” melting away from the tip of the exotic singer’s tongue.

For a second, it seemed that time froze for them. The moment they shared dragged on for an unforeseen eternity. Any stranger looking in would have easily been able to hear the silent “I love you”s this young couple undoubtedly were sharing. An invisible blanket of intensity seemed to envelope the two, both unwilling to break their gaze first, unwilling to end the moment.

The young leader lifted his hand slowly, brushing the back of his fingers against the main vocalist’s translucent cheek, now tinted with a rosy pink. Like two stars caught in each other’s gravitational pull, they slowly began to bring their heads towards each other; the process so slow it was barely noticeable.

Jaejoong slid his heavy eyelids down, a slight pout gracing his luscious strawberry lips. He felt Yunho’s hand on the back of his neck, guiding their faces together. This would be it. This would be the one instance that Jaejoong has been waiting for, hoping for, dreaming about, the one memory that he would allow the other man to etch into the walls of his pounding heart forever.

Breathing in deeply, the beautiful singer caught the distinct scent of Lacoste Essential, Yunho’s playful and refreshing cologne. It made him tremble inside. The air he just took in feeling like it wanted to burst out of his lungs, as if this much Yunho was overloading his body. Even his stomach jumped a couple of inches from his abdomen up into his tight chest.

Their intimacy almost brought tears to his closed eyes. It was so deliciously painful to feel the other man’s tantalizing lips almost brush against his own begging pout. He felt a whine struggling to escape his throat; desperately he was trying to force it back down the way it came.

Jaejoong’s mind and body was working itself into a frenzy, anticipating the contact he has longed for indefinitely since the five Dong Bang Shin Ki boys started living together. Just this one brief touch of their lips would elate him, set him free, give him wings; a feeling of utter bliss. Even if the time to bask in the afterglow of it all would last only a few short seconds, he was willing to take just those mere seconds of ecstasy in exchange for the impending feeling of cruel reality crashing back onto him like a tsunami.

The reality that he, Kim Jaejoong, would never be lovers with the young man holding him right now, Jung Yunho, was something that the desirable vocalist kept at the edge of his consciousness like a chained rabid dog. If ever his longing and desires tried to take control of him, the ferocious animal would bark and snarl, chasing the overwhelming feelings into a tight, dark corner.

So many harsh truths gave life to the vicious creature: the truth that it was a sin to love another man, the truth that it was impossible for Yunho to love him back in the same way, the truth that his feelings towards the accomplished dancer could easily destroy the Dong Bang family he has come to love and rely on so much, the list goes on… But of course, the most devastating truth of all was that Jung Yunho was taken… by Lee Soori.

Just for now though, the horrible beast was only growling. His longing was too strong to be chased back, the suffocating proximity of Yunho kept the rabid dog frozen in place. The moment of bittersweet anticipation was excruciating. The desire to stay in Yunho’s embrace clashed powerfully with the desire to taste the other man’s lips.

“Kim Junsu! You’re drooling all over my shoulder, goofball!”

The sudden outburst from the middle of the van shattered the fragile, though passionate, aura around Yunho and Jaejoong. The warmth surrounding the two seemed to dissipate in a flash, leaving them both stiff and frozen.

Unexpectedly, before Jaejoong could even snap out of his shock, he felt a soft pressure on his forehead.

Realization hit him as a block of ice in the pit of his stomach. Yunho had swiftly placed the kiss destined for Jaejoong’s lips on his forehead.

“Sorry, Yoochun-ah, I’ll wipe it up right away!” Junsu’s usually infectious laughter sounded more like an annoying alarm clock as the eldest singer in the back seat stared into the worried smile of Yunho’s face.

“What!? Don’t just put my sweater hood over the wet spot! AISH!”

“Aigoo, I don’t have any tissues!”

The hand that was on Jaejoong’s neck soon patted at his head, signalling the beautiful man to rest his head on the leader’s shoulder. “Take a nap now, okay? There’s still a bit to go before we get home…” Yunho muttered, heard only slightly through the bickering between Yoochun and Junsu.

Jaejoong slowly lay down his head on the other’s shoulder, a light frown on his forehead and a prominent pout gracing his lips. ‘What the hell…’ ran rampant through his mind. The one thing he wanted so badly was stolen from him because of the two idiotic boys sitting only a foot away from them. He could easily reach over and smack them both upside the head. Maybe even with a big red brick in his hand.

Rage boiled in his chest, with the resulting steam clouding inside his head. Getting just a peck on his forehead never made him so infuriated before in his life. If he could only turn back time he would have made sure he and the undeniably sexy man beside him touched lips instead of the wimpy contact he now had to settle with.

‘Great, now I’ll have to be moody for the whole week,’ Jaejoong mused disappointedly in his head while the van quieted down again. The anger coursing through him only made his fatigue stronger now. Even while he was seeing red, the wonderfully androgynous singer started to drift off to a light sleep.

The position he was in was delightfully comfortable. He felt safe and warm; his head cradled into the crook of Yunho’s neck, and the young man’s firm hold on his slim shoulder was keeping the bounciness of the ride to a minimum. If not for his dissatisfaction at having his long awaited kiss taken away, literally, right from under his nose, he could have sighed in happiness.

While devising ways to indirectly punish Yoochun and Junsu for disturbing his perfect moment, Jaejoong fell into a deeper sleep. He hardly even noticed when Yunho’s head leaned on his own. Everything inside the van seemed to go cosily quiet. A warming peacefulness settled in; the kind you feel when you watch a baby sleep soundly, or when snow is falling slowly with no wind to change its course, or when you put your head on the chest of the person you love most in the world to hear their heart beating steadily. As if it was beating for you.

What a lovely silence…

Jaejoong awoke as he felt himself being jerked sideways, the loud sound of screeching tires piercing his ears. He could also feel a strong set of arms embracing him. Trying to desperately make sense of what his eyes were taking in, all he knew was that Yunho was holding him against the other’s toned chest, as if shielding him from something, and all he could smell was Lacoste Essential.

“SHIT!” came loud and panicked from the front of the van. It was the voice of their middle-aged manager. A shrill cry emitted from what Jaejoong assumed to be Junsu right after.

Not a second later, a deafening crash rang in Jaejoong’s ears, muting everything else. All of a sudden things started to look and feel like they were turning upside down and right side up again. He could feel his seat belt cutting into him, harshly pinning his body against the seat as physics tried to tear him away. His world was being tossed around and ripped apart.

Everything was happening so fast. He must be having a nightmare. He must be still asleep. But he could hear Changmin screaming so clearly beside him. Yunho’s arms around him felt so real, the embrace so tight. He could see his forbidden desire’s face so clearly; Yunho’s eyes were squeezed tight, a frown on his smooth forehead, mouth set in a firm line, and the bloody cuts on his face were so red…

The angelic singer felt the air being knocked out of him as everything stopped with one final crash, his neck snapping painfully to his left. A cry of pain died in his throat. Pouring rain and thunder filled the eerie silence gripping the scene like a fog.

Coughing and gasping, Jaejoong tried to breathe normally again. Tears were welling up in his eyes from his effort, and he was trying to blink them away. He had to see what was going on; he has to figure out what’s happened. He has to do something, fix everything.

He was most definitely not standing or sitting or lying down. He was being held in place by the locked seatbelt, his head dangling painfully to one side with his legs while his hands were still clutching for dear life onto the seat. Somehow, he found the strength to lift his head, but pain shot through his neck and back muscles. Whiplash. He had to settle with the uncomfortable dangling for a few more moments.

All he could do was turn his head slightly left and right, trying to survey his surroundings. They were in a car crash. Something hit them from the side. It had to be something big because he was sure the van flipped over more than once, and now it’s landed on the driver side…

‘Oh dear God.’ No one else was moving. Jaejoong’s eyes widened even more, darting frantically back and forth. He wanted his vision to focus, but it was only getting blurrier. He was panicking, with tears streaming sideways over his face. Or was that rain?

The merciless sky continued to pour down sheets of icy water, oblivious to the tragedy below. It was quickly soaking everything inside the van through the shattered windows. Everything looked so broken. Everything. Everyone.

“Yunho! Yunho!” Jaejoong suddenly screams, realizing the other man’s arms were limp around him. Struggling to get a good look, Jaejoong felt his heart stop as he looked at the broken rag doll strapped beside him. “No…”

Turning towards what was now the ground, the young man let out a shuddering cry at the unconscious and bloody Changmin below him. The young teen had blood pooling around his head, glass being his pillow now. Jaejoong had to do something for his family. He had to get out of this seat…

Trembling and gasping, the only conscious man in the vehicle reached for his seatbelt buckle. He placed his left hand against the blood covered ground accented with shattered glass. He wanted to brace himself for the fall, trying his best to avoid Changmin’s battered body.

He gasps and grunts as the seatbelt releases him, sending him crashing onto twisted steel and bits of tinted glass. He felt things cutting into his hands and legs but tries his best to ignore the pain as a whimper escapes Changmin; Jae had landed on one of the boy’s long arms.

Scrambling up, Jaejoong started to yell frantically, “Oh God! Changmin-ah! Shit! Are you okay?! Changmin! SHIM CHANGMIN!”

The youngest lets out a drawn out groan, his brow furrowing.

“Please… Oh God… Changmin-ah…” Jaejoong sobs, but the other boy was silent and still again. At least he has confirmed his youngest dongsaeng was still alive.

Springing up from his kneeling, the distressed singer remembers that his love was also badly injured and unconscious.

“Yunho… Yunnie-ah…” Jaejoong begs, as he brushed wet bags out of the others face. There was so much blood… there was so much red running over Yunho’s pale face. And… it didn’t seem like he was breathing…

Shaking uncontrollably, Jaejoong cupped Yunho’s face as best he could, wiping away some of the blood, lifting the man’s head away from his chest, revealing a horrible red mark around the dancer’s neck. The seatbelt must’ve choked him with that last jerk of the van… because he was leaning over to protect Jaejoong…

“No… No… You’re not going anywhere, Jung Yunho… I’m not letting you go… without me…” Jaejoong put his mouth over Yunho’s parted lips, holding the man’s nose with one hand he breathed out forcefully, pushing air into Yunho’s immobile body. Rain, blood, and tears were streaming down Jaejoong’s face as he hoped, prayed, wished that he will hear Yunho’s lungs sputter back into life.

Just as his breath ran out Yunho’s body shuddered before the broken man started to cough and gasp desperately. Jaejoong tried his best to hold the other’s head in place, sighing in relief, almost letting a smile overtake his face.

“Yunnie-ah… Yunnie… I’m going to try to free you, okay?”


“Don’t talk Yunho-ah… Please…” Jaejoong begs. Those two syllables broke his heart, hearing it sounding so weak and pained coming from Yunho’s pale lips. He struggled to get a good hold of Yunho as he fumbled with the strained buckle. The metal tongue bruised his slender fingers as the belt retracted suddenly, releasing a limp and heavy Yunho into his sore and tired arms.

Jaejoong’s legs buckled beneath him as the taller man fell against him, sending the slenderer of the two toppling backwards into the dented and warped ceiling of the van. He hissed in pain as he felt things jab into his back, his head throbbing horribly from the impact.

“Jaejoong… Are you okay?” the voice was so weak and soft. Never had Jaejoong heard the man in his arms speak in this way.

The singer choked back a sob, “Yes, Yunho-ah… I’m fine… I’m fine because of you… Please, you don’t have to talk… Just… just stay with me, okay? Don’t close your eyes… Stay with me, Yunho-ah…” He would give up anything in his possession right now to keep the other man conscious, to keep him from slipping away.

‘Please… I’d give up anything… Just please… let him live through this… Take whatever you want from me…’ Jaejoong begged in his mind. He didn’t know who he was trying to convince, but it was all he could think about as he looked down into Yunho’s half lidded and fluttering eyes. Breathing seemed so tedious for him.

As gently as he could, Jaejoong started to drag Yunho into a cradling position in his arms, trying to make breathing easier for the injured man. “Keep breathing Yunho… Breathe and look at me… Don’t stop looking at me, okay? Don’t leave me… I’m so scared… Don’t leave me…” Jaejoong finally let a sob escape and shake his body.

“I’d never, Boojae… Never…” Yunho replied softly, with a small smile.

Jaejoong whimpered and sobbed harder, hugging onto the man he had fallen in love with closer, tighter. He won’t let his precious Yunho slip away.

“Joongie… It’s so cold…” the younger man croaked.

“It’s the rain Yunho, it’s the rain… It will get warm soon… so… stay with me… Yunho-ah… It will be warm soon…” Jaejoong tried to desperately convince the barely conscious Yunho. He grabbed for the taller man’s hand, flinching at the iciness replacing the usual encompassing warmth.

“Boojae… It’s too cold… I’m tired…” Yunho’s eyes slid closed, and Jaejoong panicked.

“NO! YUNHO-AH! Don’t close your eyes, Yunho-ah!” the pale vocalist screamed frantically, his voice cracking. He shook the body in his arms slightly.

Tiredly, Yunho forced his eyelids apart. Barely noticeable, the man winces. “Jaejoong-ah… I… I can’t see you…”

Jaejoong’s body shook again with another sob. “I’m right here, Yunho… Yunnie… Please… stay with me… I’m right here… Please look at me, don’t leave me… I need you here… You promised you won’t leave me…” His throat closed up as tears streamed down uncontrollably.

“I’ll… look for you… in the dark… Boojae…” with those words, Yunho’s eyes slid shut once again, as he went limp in Jaejoong’s arms.

(This is what you do
This is what you do
This is what you do)

You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about a ring and all the things that come along with~
You make me
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about a ring and all the things that come along with~
You make me
You make me

Before anything came between us
You were like my best friend
The one I used to run and talk to when me and my girl was having problems (that's right)
You used to say it would be okay
Suggest little nice things I should do
And when I come home at night and lay my head down
All I seem to think about was you
And how you make me wanna

You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about a ring and all the things that come along with~
You make me
You make me
Wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about a ring and all the things that come along with~
You make me
You make me

Now what's bad Is you're the one that hooked us up
Knowing it should've been you
What's sad is I love her but I'm falling for you
What should I do
Should I
Tell my baby bye-bye
Should I
Do exactly what I feel inside
Cause I don't wanna go
Don't need to stay
But I really need to get it together

You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about a ring and all the things that come along with~
You make me
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about a ring and all the things that come along with~
You make me
You make me

At this point
The situation's out of control
I never meant to hurt her but I
Gotta let her go
And if she may not understand it
Why all of this is going on
I tried
I tried to fight it but the feelings just too strong
You make me wanna wanna
You make me wanna…

You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about a ring and all the things that come along with~
You make me
You make me wanna leave the one I'm with
Start a new relationship with you
This is what you do
Think about a ring and all the things that come along with~
You make me
You make me

Usher – You Make Me Wanna

It seemed like Seoul rippled with chaos after the unfortunate accident. The crash was investigated extensively. No stone was left unturned, every witness was interviewed, and all accounts of the crash were taken into consideration. The media ran rampant with its reports, rumours flying about like annoying house flies. Every night the news ran some sort of story about SM Entertainment’s born and bred star boy band being practically run over by a semi. Fans were in turmoil, families were beyond distressed, security was enforced, and press conferences were held. The first few weeks were insane, intense, and incomprehensible.

Jaejoong was the only one who escaped with minor injuries. He was bandaged in dozens of places, bruises and cuts all along his legs and back. What looked the worst was the neck brace he had to wear for two weeks to help heal the horrible whiplash he got. The other four band members also sported similar braces, all injured to different degrees.

Needless to say, Dong Bang Shin Ki was put on hiatus, announced by Lee Sooman himself. It was a catastrophe for fan(girl)s everywhere, while anti-fans rejoiced. Vigils by fans clashed with protests by anti-fans outside the hospital where the boys were admitted. For weeks there were riots in the parking lot until the head of police enforced a zero tolerance rule. The hospital staff were of two opinions, either ecstatic or rueful about the young men’s presence in their facility; their stay caused troubles but they were in no condition to be moved elsewhere.

The outside world only scratched the surface of the sorrow within. The emotional struggles the members had to overcome, and were still wrestling with, were eating away at them slowly. The fear that their bodies will never reach their once infamous potential was almost overwhelming…

Yunho, Yoochun, and Changmin suffered the worst injuries out of the five of them. Each endured considerable impact to their heads, while Changmin and Micky also had bone fractures in a few places, the older bearing with more broken bones than the younger.

When Yoochun first regained consciousness, there was pandemonium. His head trauma was so great that he had temporary amnesia. It absolutely broke Jaejoong’s heart when he sat down at the man’s bedside with a smile but was immediately asked, “Do I know you?” in the most formal way possible. He almost cried when Junsu said “Virginia” purposely with bad pronunciation, but got no reaction from the partial American. Tears of relief were shed by all when Yoochun finally regained all his memories.

Junsu hobbled around constantly, from room to room on crutches, cheering everyone on with his usual grin and goofy laugh. Changmin on the other hand was wheeled around periodically in one of the hospital wheelchairs by Jaejoong to visit Micky and Yunho. Slowly, all five of them were recuperating from the crash.

Though their bodies were healing without a hitch, their spirits remained broken. Their ambitious, responsible, caring, and resilient leader remained immobile in his hospital bed. After closing his eyes in Jaejoong’s arms, the man didn’t open them again. He was the only one who had no response when he was being rescued, one of the first to be operated on, and the last to be seen with any improvement.

He was in a coma, and the doctors didn’t know how to help him. They couldn’t even say how long he would be asleep for. As far as they could determine, he should have no problem recovering after his surgery. All they could recommend was for him to be talked to and interacted with regularly, if not constantly, to increase chances that something might stimulate him and bring him back to consciousness.

At least one member of Yunho’s families, both biological and SM, visited him each day, sometimes talking, sometimes just holding his hand. But it was Jaejoong who practically lived in the same room as the comatose man. He would talk to the unconscious leader for hours on end when no one else was there, filling the silence of the white, sterile space with his random ramblings. The battered but nonetheless translucent beauty didn’t want to leave his guardian angel alone at any time, in case he woke up and became frightened or feel lonely if he didn’t hear another person’s voice.

Jaejoong was visually guilt ridden. When the doctors announced Yunho’s condition, Jaejoong had broken down with uncontrollable sobs, shocking even the Jung family. The attachment and concern the two young men shared ran deeper than anyone, apart from the group members, had expected.

No one outside the Dong Bang family knew the truth behind why Jaejoong was the only one who was spared from the more serious injuries.

“You guys… I’m so sorry… It’s my fa-fault that Yunho is like this… Tha-that he’s… not awake… If only I had-hadn’t taken the middle seat… He’s like this because he was protecting me… because I was s-sleeping on his shoulder…” The man sobbed and cried endlessly throughout his explanation.

At first, all they could do was gape at Jaejoong’s revelation, each rolling the scenario and outcome in their minds. Unanimously, they came to a single conclusion.

“It wasn’t your fault at all, hyung…”

“Don’t blame yourself for what’s happened, Jaejoongie.”

“If there wasn’t an accident in the first place, none of this would have happened.”

The other three members tried their hardest to ease their eldest friend’s self-loathing and self-imposed responsibility. The time Jaejoong spent awake and at Yunho’s bedside was undoubtedly unhealthy. And there was also the matter of Lee Soori. Her presence has become an imposing, and ever growing, anvil above all their heads.

“We need to do something about Jaejoong-hyung,” Changmin said, barely above a whisper after being wheeled into Yoochun’s room by a nurse.

“No doubt. That Soori is getting really suspicious… The time Jaejoongie spends in Yunho’s room is really rubbing her the wrong way,” Junsu agreed, nodding with a frown.

“I saw her glaring at hyung yesterday, when the three of us were all visiting Yunho-hyung. If she says anything to Lee-sajangnim, Jaejoong-hyung can get switched out of Dong Bang Shin Ki… What if she makes Lee-sajangnim put him in SuJu, and Heechul-hyung gets sent to us or something?” Changmin’s wild speculations put panic into his round brown eyes.

“Changmin-ah… Calm down, you’re just scaring yourself… I don’t think… anything can break us apart… They’ve learned already that Dong Bang Shin Ki can only be the five of us, the fans would accept no less… We’ll accept no less,” Yoochun said, trying to sound as sure as he could.

“All for one and one for all, right, Minnie? No Kim Jaejoong means no Dong Bang Shin Ki,” Junsu affirmed, filling in for the confidence that Micky lacked before.

The teen bit his lips in response, fidgeting with an itch under his bandages.

After the first month of hospitalization, the three youngest decided to call for outside help. They needed someone older, wiser and more imposing to ease some of the anxiety—and possibly, female wrath—off Jaejoong’s shoulders, and subsequently heal the morale of the entire group.

“Yoboseyo…? Ah… Heejun-sshi? This is Park Yoochun from Dong Bang Shin Ki. Oh… Yes… I’m calling from the hospital, we’re all… fine. …Ah, well um… You see Heejun-sshi, we’d like you to drop by to see Jaejoong. …We think he needs to talk to someone older, not that you’re that old, Heejun-sshi! …Ah… hahaha… Yes… Well… whenever you’re free, Heejun-sshi. Okay, kamsahamnida, see you soon.”

“When is he going to come by?” inquired an anxious Junsu.

“Tomorrow apparently. Good job stealing Jaejoong’s phone numbers Susu,” Micky sent one of his trademark smiles to the bright boy sitting on the edge of the bed.

Junsu beamed back at him in response, “It was a piece of cake! And Changmin was part of the plan too! He practically hatched it himself!”

“He’s on crutches now too, right?”

“Yup! You’ll be able to move around soon too, Chunnie-ah. I’ll push you around when they give you a wheelchair, okay?” giggled the angelic Junsu.

“Thanks, Junsu-ah. I don’t think I would be this happy without you here…” Micky looked down sadly at the enormous looking bumps jutting from under the flimsy blanket. His legs were still set heavily in casts.

The younger man squeezed one of Yoochun’s hands, “Don’t worry, Yoochun-ah, you’ll heal up just fine. No matter what, I’ll be here for you; we’ll be here for you. When you’re all better, we’ll have to go back to dancing and rehearsing till we drop like dead flies, so you don’t have to worry about hurrying, okay? And you’re Micky! Our secret weapon! You’ll come back with a big bang!” Junsu ended his encouragement with his arms flying up into the air.

Yoochun had to laugh at Junsu’s silliness. He lifted a bandaged hand to ruffle the younger man’s hair.

“Kim Jaejoong.”

The slender man wheeled around in the hallway. His large round eyes opened even wider at the person he saw. “Heejun-hyung!”

They hugged tightly in greeting, a goofy smile breaking across the taller man’s tired face. “Why are you here? I thought you were busy recording your fifth album! And I told you I was fine when we spoke on the phone last,” Jaejoong pulled away from their friendly embrace at his last remark.

“Some little birds told me that you needed me for some guidance,” Heejun smiled cockily at his dongsaeng.

Jaejoong stared blankly at the shorter man’s cherub face masked with a pair of polarized sunglasses. “Guidance?”

“You have somewhere to be right now? Let’s go talk outside,” the highlighted strands of his rocker hairstyle bobbed slightly as he motioned for a sceptical Jaejoong to follow him to the elevator.

“I was going to go see Yunho…” the porcelain angel explained hesitantly, while pointing with his thumb over his shoulder.

At that moment, the sound of the elevator bell floated faintly to the odd looking pair, and the metal doors ahead slid open to reveal a petite and well dressed young woman.

She stepped out, immediately heading towards Jaejoong and Heejun, her pumps clicking loudly against the linoleum floor, as if signalling her brown curls to bounce around her shoulders.

“Heejun-sshi,” she paused a second in front of the baggily clothed man to tip her head a little as she showed her respect, then moved on, passing by Jaejoong without a word. She opted to give him cut eye instead.

She soon disappeared behind one of the doors down the hall, and the air seemed to be breathable again. Jaejoong even visibly trembling from his relief as he let out the breath he was holding.

“C’mon, Jaejoong,” Heejun prompted again, as if Lee Soori never even stepped out from the elevator.

Reluctantly, the defeated young man dragged his feet along to follow his hyung down to the garden.

The sun beat down onto the bright green behind the white hospital building relentlessly. The heat was almost suffocating as cicadas played their own songs, calling in rhythm out to each other. The even and monotone buzzing seemed to reverberate in the emptiness of the park-like garden. It was much too hot for patients to be wandering outside, even though the sky was a stunning baby blue.

Heejun made his way over to a stone bench set under a large flowering pear tree, the fruit having dropped from over ripeness weeks ago. He calmly took out a pack of Marlboro Lights and lit one while Jaejoong took his time shuffling to the spot his hyung picked out.

The older man let out his first drag as the troubled pretty boy sat down gingerly with a sigh on the cool stone. He drew up one leg and tucked it beneath his other, trying to look and feel more comfortable since his insides were twisting with nervousness. “So tell me hyung, which little birds suggested that I needed guidance?”

The partial rocker chuckled as he let out another drag. “Don’t worry about that right now, BooJaejoong. You should first tell me why Lee Soori didn’t even bother saying ‘hi’ to you but ended up giving you the murderous-bitch look.”

Jaejoong’s laugh rang out emptily from his throat, “Maybe because I rejected her so many times before. She was practically begging me to be her boyfriend a few months back.”

Heejun lifted his sunglasses from his face and stuck them on top of his fluffy, vibrant hair. His deep round eyes pierced into his dongsaeng like needles, breaking down the porcelain façade. “Jaejoong-ah, if you really consider me your hyung, you’ll tell me the truth, yeah?”

Concentrating on the skate shoe he brought up onto the bench, Jaejoong traced the familiar DC symbol with one finger, not daring to look up at Heejun. He knows those eyes; he had admired their intensity for so long. He used to dream that he could do photo shoots just like Moon Heejun and the rest of H.O.T, staring into the camera with such intensity. Surely, even glancing at his usually cherub like friend now would mean that he will spill out his heart onto the petal and pear covered ground.

“Oy, Youngwoong Jaejoong,” Heejun drawled, poking the pouting boy in the face.

“AISH!” the troubled man swivels around on his bottom, turning his back to Heejun and bringing both feet to rest flat on the bench. Hugging onto his thighs, he sets a cheek on his knees.

“This is all because of that Jung Yunho, isn’t it?” Heejun takes another drag as he pokes lightly at the spine stretching the white wife beater Jaejoong was wearing.

The buzzing of cicadas fills the air again. It seemed the younger man was very adamant about keeping his lips sealed.

Sighing, the independent singer flicks away his cigarette butt, having it land at the foot of a fancy looking birdbath. “You know, you were right when you said I was busy with my fifth album. So, why don’t you just go ahead and open that pretty mouth of yours already, huh, Kim Jaejoong?”

After another pause, the slender man’s husky and soft voice floated over to Heejun, above the sound of the cicadas. “This is so hard, Heejun-hyung…”

“What is, Joongie?” the older asked on impulse. He felt like he was looking at a younger Jang Woohyuk, or a younger An Seungho, even a younger… Moon Heejun. No, especially a younger Moon Heejun.

“My heart is hurting so badly, hyung… I feel like I’m falling into hell, but I just can’t help it… Heejun-hyung… My heart… is full of him…” At his own confession, Jaejoong shook with a shuddering sigh.

Heejun laid a hand on his dongsaeng’s back, stroking a little before asking, “Does he know?”

“No…” came the immediate reply, the young man sounding like he was on the verge of tears.

“Joongie-ah… You have to believe me… when I tell you… that I know exactly how you feel…” Heejun said slowly, continuing to rub the other man’s back. Jaejoong’s body goes rigid under Heejun’s comforting touch.

The older man laughs a little as he pulls his hand away. “Are you that surprised?”

Finally, Jaejoong turns his porcelain doll face to his hyung. “For real? You’re not just saying that?”

“Trust me, Joongie. I know. I know too well,” he sighs, eyes looking into the sky, as if he saw something beautiful and far away.

“You mean… you… and… Kangta?” Jaejoong said it so softly Heejun could only hear the hard consonants. Nodding with a sad smile, he chuckles again when he heard Jaejoong’s gasp.

“I thought those were all just rumours! But you… and him— really…?”

“Ah… it feels so long ago now… We’re… not together anymore, of course… But for a time… it was blissful, you know… When we were… back when we were your age,” Heejun put on a sincere smile and looked at his dongsaeng, staring wide eyed back at him, the size of the round orbs rivalling his own.

He continued on, letting the younger male gape at him all he wanted. “I know how it feels. I know how Jung Yunho makes you feel. I know that every time your bare skin touches one another, there’s a tingle that shoots into your heart. I know that every time you hear his voice singing something touching, you would wish he was looking at you. I know that whenever he’s twisting that sexy body of his during practise, you’d wish you were both alone so you could touch him.

“I know when you see his sleeping face all you want to do is brush your hand over his cheek because he looks so peaceful. I know when you see other people lay hands on him you want to drag him away. And I know when he’s touching someone else, you would wish your hardest that it was you instead. I know all these feelings and more, Jaejoong-ah.”

Letting out a tired and relieved sigh, the taller man laid his head on Heejun’s broad shoulder. “What did you do, hyung? How did you make it work? And… how long… did it last…?”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Joongie. It was rough. It was hard… Maybe even worse than what you’re going through now… but we clicked. The Christmas after our third album was released… I remember it so well… We just opened up to each other. It took a lot of time, and work, and tears, and courage… but we did it, and the four years we spent together were the most wonderful I could imagine.

“We split up not because we didn’t love each other… but life just led us that way… He was moving on to greater things while I felt like I was being suffocated by SM… Things changed that made our happiness harder to achieve. Maybe, one day, when we’re both ready again… it’d be okay… but for now, we both live with our memories, and it’s enough for me.” Heejun said this as he turned the silver band around his right hand’s ring finger.

Jaejoong stared at the silver that was almost glowing from the sun’s light though they were under the shade. “You… don’t regret anything?” he asked hesitantly.

“No, I don’t. If God gave me another chance, I would have confessed to him sooner. That’s how much I love him, that’s how happy he made me. Don’t let what’s happened to us hold you back from what you want to do, Joongie. Just look at Woohyuk and Tony.”

Again, the singer’s doe-like eyes rolled open wide. “THEM TOO?”

“Yeah,” Heejun laughs deeply. “They’ve been inseparable since… before Chilhyun and I. They struggled for a while too, but in the end, they realized they needed each other more than anything… They’re so clear on that, Joongie. But I know, their love isn’t for everyone…” Their conversation pauses again, the younger looking inquisitively into Heejun’s face, as if prompting him to go on.

“Joongie-ah… just take the dive. You’ll hate yourself if you don’t. I can tell that you guys will probably last a lot longer than H.O.T. Lee Sooman is going to avoid the problems we had, and the bonds the five of you have formed are already so strong. Don’t let the chance slip away. Grab love, and life, by the horns, Youngwoong Jaejoong.”

A genuine and heartfelt smile split the pretty boy’s face, but quickly faded away. “But… you guys both liked each other… How do I know if Yunho feels that way about me too? What if he doesn’t?”

At the young man’s worried questions, Heejun erupted in hearty laughter. “Ah, Joongie… You totally remind me of myself… Seriously… If he didn’t like you back, to some degree, in the same way… you wouldn’t have fallen so hard for him. If he didn’t return some, if not all, of your signs of deep affection, you wouldn’t be so attached and in love right now.”

Chewing on his plump lower lip, Jaejoong stared intensely at the ground.

Sighing at the troubled response of his angelic dongsaeng, Heejun asks, “What else is wrong, little Hero?”

Taking a deep breath and pausing, Jaejoong rolled his problem over in his head. All this new information and encouragement, it made him feel more secure and relieved, but nonetheless, it didn’t change the fact that Yunho was in a coma now because of him. “Then… there’s more reason for me to hate myself…”

Confused, Heejun frowns. “Why’s that?”

“Yunho-yah… He’s in his coma right now… because of me…” Heejun could see the red and alluring bottom lip of Jaejoong’s oval mouth tremble with sadness. “He… is the reason that I walked away from that accident… on my own two legs… While everyone else got broken bones and concussions… all I got were cuts and bruises… It was because of him, hyung. He shielded me and hugged onto me so tight… through it all…”

A single tear started to roll down Jaejoong’s perfect cheek, making the older man’s heart quake with sympathy. He quickly gathers the slender creature into his arms, stroking his back again.

“It can’t be your fault, Joongie-ah. Don’t put this on yourself. He never said it was your fault… No one has. Have you ever thought about why he did it?”

“Because I was sitting beside him…”

“Just that simple?”

“…Because… he didn’t want me to be hurt…”

“And what is wrong with that, Joongie? Doesn’t that show just how much he loves you? If anything you should be trying your best to get better, so that when he opens his eyes, he’ll see the Kim Jaejoong that makes him happiest.”

Heejun gently pushes the wet-faced young man away from his own body. He quickly wipes some tears away. “It’s not your fault he fell in love with you too, Jaejoong-ah. He can only blame himself for loving you this much, but there is no such thing as too much.”

“Thank you… hyung…” Jaejoong half sobs out.

After drying his face and eyes a bit, he notices that Heejun was studying his face with inquiring eyes.

“Do I look that bad, hyung?” he jokes.

The older man laughs in response. “No, Joongie, I don’t think it’s possible for you to look bad in any way.”

The compliment makes the porcelain beauty giggle and bow his head in thanks.

“But you still haven’t told me why Lee Soori was glaring daggers at you,” Heejun explains with a smirk.

Jaejoong pouts, drawing his brows together in the process. “She doesn’t like how much time I’m spending with Yunho.”

“Oh right… She’s ‘The Girlfriend’…” the rock singer says contemplatively.

“Is there… anything you can tell me about… that?” Jaejoong whispers, as if afraid someone will hear him asking this blasphemous question.

Again, Heejun chuckles at Jaejoong’s child-like question. “I’m sorry, Jaejoong-ah. I am more experienced and much wiser, but unfortunately, I don’t have the answers to everything. I think this Lee Soori thing, you will have to figure out with Yunho on your own. As long as you support each other, and let the rest of your Dong Bang family support you, it will be as easy as swatting away a fly, or at least as easy as taking a big splinter out of your hand.”

11th-Sep-2008 07:29 pm (UTC)
>__< accident... glad there's heejun hyung there to give his advice
5th-Dec-2009 05:58 am (UTC)
I just found this fic and I'm so glad that I did. It's amazing so far! I love the little scene where they are flipping over in the van and Yunho is holding on to Jaejoong to keep him safe. I was all like "AWWWWW!"


19th-Apr-2012 03:07 am (UTC)
EMOSHINKI, they're only DBSK with 5 you say? Lee Sooman will avoid the same problem he had with H.O.T you say? This was written in 2008? Crying right now.

You write really well! It feels so realistic and painful. Off to read more!
22nd-Apr-2012 09:07 am (UTC)
Jae's scenes during the accident breaks my heart T.T
It was really scary! Seeing the people he love the most in that state =.=

8th-Jul-2013 02:27 am (UTC)
Just found this, it's so good! It's so sad to think about the boys being hurt like this in a crash, and Yunho protecting Jae was so sweet. Not to mention the moment just before that with the love stares and near kiss. I hope Yunho's okay!
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