?

Log in

No account? Create an account
August 2018   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31


So this is where I'm at in 2018. In teaching myself to write small novels, while I still work on my epic, I've written a little fanfic called, Unbearable - Draco For some reason, I can't let the gender issues go and after all these years of wishing I could write a Harry Potter fic that feels "right" to me, I've arrived at this. And because the story has proven to be too much for some gentle souls, I've created a wonderful Disclaimer # 2 for people who plunge ahead without reading warnings and then blame me for hurting their feelings.

Disclaimer #2 (This is not a real link)

We, the imaginary characters in this writer's head, hereby consent to playing roles that depict all forms of happiness and unhappiness, peace and violence. We are not of age because we have no age. We're just some energy she named after her current favorite characters. We are thrilled to act out the most hidden of human emotions. May you enjoy our non-physical performance, guilt-free. We exist to help you cope with all the freaking rules in your world. We are the raw emotion that needs somewhere to go. Enjoy, and let it rip! Oh, and if you cry, you're welcome. You needed that.






Photo courtsy of Warner Bros./Time Werner

You're invited to my Snape party. We're all dressing up like Snape, but you can dress any way you want. There's Butch-Snape, Boyish Snape, Drary Snape, Trans-Snape, Androgynous Snape, Deatheater Snape, And Eternal Snape who survived the story and reluctantly, Het Snape. We're watching the movies and talking during them. We're gonna swap our best fan-fic.

Everyone has to retell the Snape story in their favorite way. Usually, I pair Snape with all the male characters, but I saw a video today and something new has got a hold on me. It's not new to fandom, but it's new to me. I wouldn't have given it a chance until I began to miss Alan Rickman/Snape so much, went looking for him, and found this vid. The energy and love I feel are proof that Alan Rickman is still giving, still alive, and his touch can still be felt. Eternal!

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3sYlbFXjog&index=27&list=PLfP3By3wYC51azxPUJj71cS4eaHJOIsvS&t=0s).

Oh, and I also ordered a life-size cut out of his awesomeness as Severus.

JK Rowling, I love you to pieces, but I can't limit myself to your parameters. You were a total genius when you made Snape. You shouldn't have made him so good. Once Alan Rickman added his deliciousness, my imagination had no intention of coming back or being told what to do.
____________________________________________

Lily took her secret to the grave. Snape may or may not be into women. Snape may or may not be Harry's father. Snape was not emotionally ready for a child. He wasn't over his own traumas. It was bad enough that Lily chose James over him. Lily never confirmed it, but Snape's perception and intuition are superior. How bittersweet it might have been to realize the baby was his, yet Lily's silence remained proof of her regret. If she did not have confidence in his role as the father, how could he? Was it shame, or love for James Potter that kept her silent? She was Snape's friend. He was there for her. Maybe the conception happened when she needed comfort the most. Maybe James couldn't give her a child, who knows? I will never write this story, so I'm laying it here at this party. If you write it, I'll read it, but het isn't my first choice. Good writing can persuade me. :-)

James Potter, while fun and charming, could not provide the emotional depth, maturity, and genius that Lily found in friendship with Snape. In turn, Snape's brooding disposition was no basis for a romantic relationship. She knew that Snape had a problem with loving himself. How could he love another? A child? Maybe Lily sensed that Snape was the kind of person whose affections could not be limited to women or men, or family. But a stolen moment of comfort happened, whether it was meant to or not. Lily and Snape tried to put it behind them, but Lily learned shortly thereafter that she's pregnant. (If anyone knows where the quality fanfic is, tell me!)

With the threat of Voldemort's growing power, none of them had time to sort out their issues before Harry was born and a new story is told.

Snape never intended to have look into Harry's eyes and see him as anything more than just another student. Snape doesn't know how to accept and process love. He feels it, but he can't easily demonstrate and manage it. What he feels when he looks at Harry, is a storm of emotion. His defenses rise against it.

But he does look at Harry and he sees not only Lily, confused Lily. He sees the irony of besting James Potter and never being able to let the world know it. He sees the boy he is not allowed to claim as his own. The boy he doesn't deserve. The love he doesn't deserve. He sees the family that Lily was ready for, and he was unworthy of. The sight of Harry touches every insecurity within Snape. James Potter traumatized Snape, yet James was awarded the loveliest thing Snape had ever known. James was found worthy of Snape's child. Not Snape. And silence had to be kept, or forever tarnish Lily's perfect memory. Add that Snape kept Harry alive by being undercover for Dumbledoor and the Deatheaters, all while protecting Draco as well, and we cannot fathom the strength it took not to break under the pressure.

Oh, and another damn thing. This detail is so small and so great, I have to point it out here. I got this from
Im-wanderingaway: on youtube. In the wand fight between Snape and McGonigol, watch carefully:
__________________________________

Snape not only deflects McGonagall's attack but uses it to take down Alecto and Amycus in a single armwave behind his visual field. Like they both had their wand out too but BOY they did not see that coming. Snape knew that he needed to get rid of them before being driven out of the castle so that they wouldn't harm any of the students GOD what a baddass motherfucker.
__________________________________

So what happens when Harry wakes up to the truth?

NOW, watch this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3sYlbFXjog&index=27&list=PLfP3By3wYC51azxPUJj71cS4eaHJOIsvS&t=0s

Enjoy and thanks for reading.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3sYlbFXjog&index=27&list=PLfP3By3wYC51azxPUJj71cS4eaHJOIsvS&t=0s


This is an old artlicle, but still relevant to cencorship and healing with the written word. I caution sensitive readers to think twice before reading beyond thest first two paragraphs. It's a look at why some writers have to go where others fear to tread. For me, it became a way to deal with the trauma of being held back in the fifth grade. Fictional rape encompasses the shame and humiliation that I felt as a 'failure', that I could not process unless I gave it to fictional characters. Through them, I loved and healed, and found tremendous therapy. Rape in fiction is how I’ve learned to take the hurt out of my own humiliation and put it somewhere else. This confines it to a reality where I control all the pain. It doesn’t control me...

It’s like facing a bully. What once terrified me, has become mine to command, to make dance like a puppet on strings for my entertainment. Little did I know that such content would become the scarlet letter of fiction. Any writer worth their salt has to write about what bothers them, what hurts them, what scares the hell out of them, as well as what makes them happy. You can’t dissect this from the writing experience and still have something worth reading about.

This piece is published elsewhere and was originally titled, Rape Fiction VS Rape Reality.
Read more...Collapse )

Some of us try too hard to get what we want, and that's a sure indication that we fear we will not get what we want. That fear is just as active and influencing in our lives as the inspiration that we also feel. We forget that a cell knows how to divide and become a human being. A seed knows how to become a great Oak Tree. And a heart knows how to beat without instruction from our so-called superior intellect. A trillion calculations go on inside our bodies, just so that we can walk from one side of the room to the other. So it is, everything knows it's own order.
Read more...Collapse )

This is for all the hard working people out there. We come from certain thinking, thinking that places the value of a human being on how hard that person can work and earn their keep. It's taught as a great work ethic, but it sure sounds like slavery to me, (all races and cultures suffered for that, not trying to bring anyone down). So we only value ourselves when we work hard. We work so hard that we wish things could be easier. We beg for easier while being driven to work harder.

Read more...Collapse )


OMG! Sonny is number 19 in Amazon's top 100 Epic Fantasies. He's in the Free list, but so is Terry Goodkind, a best-selling author. I don't know if this has any credibility, but it nice! Hope I get to stay up there a while.

http://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-Kindle-Store-Epic-Fantasy/zgbs/digital-text/158580011

This is Garett Maggart who will be reprising his role as Dr. Joe McKay in D. L. Warner's and Jon Cunningham's Demon Under Glass web production. I hope I did the credits right. I have not yet asked for permission to use this pic (from the DUG site: http://www.dragoncor.com/demon.htm) because I recently bombarded Mrs. Warner with gushing sentiments of admiration and I'm afraid she'll think I'm stalking her if I contact her again too soon.

My god, he's aged well. See his "The Sentinal" days in the post below. Notice the family resemblance to his beautiful sister, Fiona Apple. You know, he really seems like a great sport when it comes to the whole slash-fandom thing. At least, that's what I gather from Mrs. Warner's teasing and deliberately vague comments which indicate he's well aware that he and his male co-star, might "do it" and humorously accepts the need for lube and condoms, though he may not be crazy about being a 'bottom,' (which I'm totaly rooting for). I'm paraphrazing from Warner's blog here, which I'm not linking to because it seems really peaceful over there, just the way she wants it (I'm assuming).

Ta,

I don't write pornography and I don't write erotica. Nothing against them. But taste-wise, one is too unchallenging to keep me awake and the other is too bland (which is too challenging to keep me awake). What I do, is look for the struggle between the body and the mind when sex is at its most complicated, and I write about that emotional, mental struggle. Certain characters lend themselves to this. It's like trying to capture that convulsive, involuntary moment during sex and just before the stimulus becomes more than what is bearable and more than what is pleasurable, then weaving that throughout the length of a novel.

It's taken a long time to figure out why I need Sonny to suffer as exquisitely as he does (or Joe McKay or Blair Sandburg, etc.) I'm on a Garret Maggart kick, thanks to D.L. Warner (no, really. Thank you!) I live in my mind and it demands more than the physical and social arenas can give. More than any temporary relief. It demands a fight. Friction and force. 'Wrestling with an angel,' is the phrase that comes to mind. Conflict where the prize is worth more than anything found on earth - and only the mind can do that. Pornography has no such ambition, which is fine sometimes. And erotica (she says sarcastically) seems too timid to meet eye to eye with that violent, involuntary, convulsive...moment, to investigate it and see what it's really made of. I've never found out what it's made of (and my sex scenes still need work) but I did find out where my characters come from. They come from a sexuality that takes a sweeping observation of life, the world, relationships of all kinds and concludes, "That's not enough, I want more." So I make it up.

This is why I have a character who's masculine identity conceals a feminine core. What better way to render him helpless than to force him to feel a woman's climax? (After all, I'm a man in a woman's body so I only know what female orgasms feel like and I don't think men can handle them. Just joking! - no, I'm not.) Okay, the guy in me is joking and the female is dead serious.

In a society, apparently, dominated by what men think is great entertainment, their "hit it and quit it" preference for damsels in distress (look at the books, movies, fairy tales, book covers, posters, from beginning to today, an ocean of women in tears and torn dresses, terrorized, abused, stalked...) or, women of such mythological strength and dominance (all packaged in your choice of shiny black rubber or classic nude) that they might as well be gorgeous men with breasts and vaginas, how else can I give into my sweet tooth for a male who is thrown into danger, dominated and ravished every bit as thoroughly as any damsel - but by another man - without compromising the handsome quality of his masculine appeal? (No, prison movies just don't get it. And before you judge me - you know who you are - I can tell the difference between fantasy and reality just fine, and am not wishing harm on anyone. So take a step back!) Well, I never found a great answer to that, but I'm still working on it.

I know, that paragraph has more problems than a... than something that has lots of problems.

This all reminds me of Garret Maggart (wow, two last names) and his wonderful contribution to the Fangirl Foundation Sugarbowl Fundraiser(I'm 42), which is badly in need of quality contributions, as seen here. Reconvene in 15 minutes. Sentinel fans, talk amongst yourselves. You've already seen this.




And this:
ANGEL (That kiss near the end looks premeditated on Richard's part and quite real)



And this:
HELP


Thank you Garret Maggart, Richard Burgi, Alfnrns, CelestialMoonDragon, Quantum861 and Youtube for those lovely, slashy contributions, which I would pay good money to see in the form of a serious movie (shout out to all you movie and entertainment investors!).

Which brings me to my next point. I came up with a character who comes close to the one I'm interested in, but I had to build an entire world and premise around him to pull it off. No apologies. Years after the fact, I'm still inspired by Sonny. I didn't think I would be. But that's the thing about books and fiction, mental dramatic intimacy vs. graphic intimacy, and mundane heroes vs. fearsome angels. One sits on the surface for but a moment, subject to be replaced by the next stimulus, while the other sinks like rain into soil, deep into the interior of the psyche, becoming a perpetual stimulus and achieving reality that no physical thing can compete with because the characters fill my mornings, afternoons, and nights (shout out to Tally!) long after I've closed the books and no matter who I'm with or who's talking to me. Yes, it's that good. Heaven. And I'm supposed to give this up for a so-called "normal" existence? Normal, by whose standards? Fuck that. If you should be so lucky as to find a sliver of bliss in this world - that isn't hurting anyone - just go with it.

This chat was inspired by:
Time off work,
Demon Under Glass (novel)
D. L. Warner
Garret Maggart (as Joe McKay and Blair Sandburg)
Jason Carter (as Molinar)
Richard Burgi
Sonny Preyer (my baby)
Every great character I have ever come across, who cannot possibly exist in real life, and therefore cannot be limited by it.

- The Sonny Preyer Chronicles