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August 2018   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31


So this is where I'm at in 2018. In teaching myself to write small novels, while I still work on my epic, I've written a little fanfic called, Unbearable - Draco For some reason, I can't let the gender issues go and after all these years of wishing I could write a Harry Potter fic that feels "right" to me, I've arrived at this. And because the story has proven to be too much for some gentle souls, I've created a wonderful Disclaimer # 2 for people who plunge ahead without reading warnings and then blame me for hurting their feelings.

Disclaimer #2 (This is not a real link)

We, the imaginary characters in this writer's head, hereby consent to playing roles that depict all forms of happiness and unhappiness, peace and violence. We are not of age because we have no age. We're just some energy she named after her current favorite characters. We are thrilled to act out the most hidden of human emotions. May you enjoy our non-physical performance, guilt-free. We exist to help you cope with all the freaking rules in your world. We are the raw emotion that needs somewhere to go. Enjoy, and let it rip! Oh, and if you cry, you're welcome. You needed that.






Photo courtsy of Warner Bros./Time Werner

You're invited to my Snape party. We're all dressing up like Snape, but you can dress any way you want. There's Butch-Snape, Boyish Snape, Drary Snape, Trans-Snape, Androgynous Snape, Deatheater Snape, And Eternal Snape who survived the story and reluctantly, Het Snape. We're watching the movies and talking during them. We're gonna swap our best fan-fic.

Everyone has to retell the Snape story in their favorite way. Usually, I pair Snape with all the male characters, but I saw a video today and something new has got a hold on me. It's not new to fandom, but it's new to me. I wouldn't have given it a chance until I began to miss Alan Rickman/Snape so much, went looking for him, and found this vid. The energy and love I feel are proof that Alan Rickman is still giving, still alive, and his touch can still be felt. Eternal!

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3sYlbFXjog&index=27&list=PLfP3By3wYC51azxPUJj71cS4eaHJOIsvS&t=0s).

Oh, and I also ordered a life-size cut out of his awesomeness as Severus.

JK Rowling, I love you to pieces, but I can't limit myself to your parameters. You were a total genius when you made Snape. You shouldn't have made him so good. Once Alan Rickman added his deliciousness, my imagination had no intention of coming back or being told what to do.
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Lily took her secret to the grave. Snape may or may not be into women. Snape may or may not be Harry's father. Snape was not emotionally ready for a child. He wasn't over his own traumas. It was bad enough that Lily chose James over him. Lily never confirmed it, but Snape's perception and intuition are superior. How bittersweet it might have been to realize the baby was his, yet Lily's silence remained proof of her regret. If she did not have confidence in his role as the father, how could he? Was it shame, or love for James Potter that kept her silent? She was Snape's friend. He was there for her. Maybe the conception happened when she needed comfort the most. Maybe James couldn't give her a child, who knows? I will never write this story, so I'm laying it here at this party. If you write it, I'll read it, but het isn't my first choice. Good writing can persuade me. :-)

James Potter, while fun and charming, could not provide the emotional depth, maturity, and genius that Lily found in friendship with Snape. In turn, Snape's brooding disposition was no basis for a romantic relationship. She knew that Snape had a problem with loving himself. How could he love another? A child? Maybe Lily sensed that Snape was the kind of person whose affections could not be limited to women or men, or family. But a stolen moment of comfort happened, whether it was meant to or not. Lily and Snape tried to put it behind them, but Lily learned shortly thereafter that she's pregnant. (If anyone knows where the quality fanfic is, tell me!)

With the threat of Voldemort's growing power, none of them had time to sort out their issues before Harry was born and a new story is told.

Snape never intended to have look into Harry's eyes and see him as anything more than just another student. Snape doesn't know how to accept and process love. He feels it, but he can't easily demonstrate and manage it. What he feels when he looks at Harry, is a storm of emotion. His defenses rise against it.

But he does look at Harry and he sees not only Lily, confused Lily. He sees the irony of besting James Potter and never being able to let the world know it. He sees the boy he is not allowed to claim as his own. The boy he doesn't deserve. The love he doesn't deserve. He sees the family that Lily was ready for, and he was unworthy of. The sight of Harry touches every insecurity within Snape. James Potter traumatized Snape, yet James was awarded the loveliest thing Snape had ever known. James was found worthy of Snape's child. Not Snape. And silence had to be kept, or forever tarnish Lily's perfect memory. Add that Snape kept Harry alive by being undercover for Dumbledoor and the Deatheaters, all while protecting Draco as well, and we cannot fathom the strength it took not to break under the pressure.

Oh, and another damn thing. This detail is so small and so great, I have to point it out here. I got this from
Im-wanderingaway: on youtube. In the wand fight between Snape and McGonigol, watch carefully:
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Snape not only deflects McGonagall's attack but uses it to take down Alecto and Amycus in a single armwave behind his visual field. Like they both had their wand out too but BOY they did not see that coming. Snape knew that he needed to get rid of them before being driven out of the castle so that they wouldn't harm any of the students GOD what a baddass motherfucker.
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So what happens when Harry wakes up to the truth?

NOW, watch this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3sYlbFXjog&index=27&list=PLfP3By3wYC51azxPUJj71cS4eaHJOIsvS&t=0s

Enjoy and thanks for reading.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3sYlbFXjog&index=27&list=PLfP3By3wYC51azxPUJj71cS4eaHJOIsvS&t=0s




Thank you forever, Allen Rickman. You've graduated.

Pic courtesy of Warner at

http://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-35313604


It's been years since I last celebrated the HP epic with a post. Mixed feelings and inconsiderate remarks on my part left my journal in ruins. Emotions ran high back then! How silly now, but also great that fiction like Harry Potter can inspire people to passionate feelings. Thank you again, J K Rowling, for all your work.
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I watched all the movies back to back recently, and awakened a new appreciation for the journey. It really is a feast for the mind, for those of us with a taste for special, extraordinary boys. Snape was my second favorite character and only made Harry's scenes stronger. Feared having my heart broke at seeing him die again (could only watch that last movie once, was so wrong!) But on second viewing, with the cushion of years between the two, I was able to focus on the beauty of his role finally being revealed to Harry. That uplifted me a lot. I was too hurt to really appreciate it the first time. Noticed plot details this time that I didn't remember from the books. It was satisfying to see Malfoy's character allowed to return to a more substancial performance. Tom Felton showed considerably more talent than all the other child actors in the beginning, in spite of having a smaller role. Glad we had to take him seriously in the end. Love seeing him pop up in movies. And of course, it was wild seeing Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint grow as actors the way they all did. Their transformations are beautiful.

All of it was a better experience than the one I let myself have years ago. Except the ending, the last 15 minute summary of their lives, that's still too painful to let play out. Would love to see a resurgence of Harry as a young man and childless (because he's the special one. It's all about him.) and the subject of his sexuality going unconfirmed, just to keep the mystery open-ended. I had a great time revisiting JK Rowling's world.
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