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let there be light!!!

sometimes i am not sure where i get these titles from they dont have much to do with anything but i think of them in my head and they stick. so anyways i was at walmart yesterday and happen to go down the paint isle and this has given me the yrge to start painting again, well actually ever since i went to gina's she has inspired me to start up again. no way am i ever as good as she is but i like to just do it for fun and i need a hobbie again this no school or job thing is killing my brain. that is all.....

so classy

starting again

My my look at the date yes its been awhile, reading these old journals really get me sad and missing some things of my past but they also make me happy for the memories that i will always remember. perhaps i will journal again or so i have promised before...thus starts my thoughts from within once again......

Marcy Playground
"Sex And Candy"

Hangin' round downtown
By myself
And I had so much time
To sit and think
About myself
And then there she was
Like double cherry pie
Yeah there she was
Like disco superfly
I smell sex and
Candy here
Who's that lounging
In my chair
Who's that casting
Devious stares
In my direction
Mama this surely
Is a dream

Hangin' 'round downtown by myself
And I had too
Much caffeine
And I was thinkin'
'bout myself
And then there she was
In platform double suede
Yeah there she was
Like disco lemonade
I smell sex and
Candy here
Who's that lounging
In my chair
Who's that casting
Devious stares
In my direction
Mama this surely
Is a dream
Mama this surely
Is a dream
Yeah mama this must
Be my dream

new begininngs.

its been about four years since i last journaled on here, im deciding to give it another try. Alot has happened in between now and then, roys death, drugs, ed, recovery, school, relationships, getting involved with the wrong things and people, hitting rock bottom, finding true love again, moved out of parents, marriage, being happy again, almost have my degree in social work, but one major bad thing still remains ed.  he isnt as bad as he was but i feel myself reaching towards him, now that im becoming unhappy with myself again, ed is reappearing in my life.

Yet Again The Time Awaits........

We’ve been waiting so long,
We’ve been waiting for the sun to rise and shine
Shining still to give us the will
Can you hear me, the sound of my voice?
I am here to tell you I have made my choice
I’ve been listening to what’s been going down
There’s just too much talk and gossip going ’round
You may think that I’m a fool, but I know the answer
Words become a tool, anyone can use them
Take the golden rule, as the best example
Eyes that have seen will know what I mean

The time has come to take the bull by the horns
We’ve been so downhearted, we’ve been so forlorn
We get weak and we want to give in
But we still need each other if we want to win

Hold that line, baby hold that line
Get up boys and hit ’em one more time
We may be losing now but we can’t stop trying
So hold that line, baby hold that line

If you don’t know what to do about a world of trouble
You can pull it through if you need to and if
You believe it’s true, it will surely happen
Shining still, to give us the will
Bright as the day, to show us the way
Somehow, someday,
We need just one victory and we’re on our way
Prayin’ for it all day and fightin’ for it all night
Give us just one victory, it will be all right
We may feel about to fall but we go down fighting
You will hear the call if you only listen
Underneath it all we are here together shining still

Since I have missed so much already this school year, I'm going to school tommorrow instead of going crazy waiting at home, however i'll be on standby tommorrow, right when I get that call, if i do, i'll have to leave to go downtown for the final moment, but i'm going to be a wreck tomorrow well of course this whole week but just waiting gets to thinking and anxious behavior, i'm so scared right now, i just want to break into tears but i am holding out and trying to be strong....this is my final weeks of school, a time to be with all my classmates for the last few times and i'll probably be spending all that time in a court room trying to convince my story to strangers i dont know...so many things are running through my head its like i will be sitting there and find myself talking to myself over all these issues and frustrations....Last week i was walking down the hallway to go to my car after school and i looked up and saw my judge Kathleen Ann Sutula on the alumni picture wall, i felt more comfortable , i think it said she graduated in 69' or something, Mr. Waler also told me before that he was very good friends with her and that made me feel more comfortable, check out the picture on the wall, However i'm not that afraid to tell my story to people anymore, but telling it to jurors and that is scary because they might try to turn it into it being my fault.....jeez just let it get over and done with please as soon as possible so i can finally get pass this awful thing in my life..thanks again to all who told me goodluck, and that they will be praying or thinking of me your support is part of what is helping me try and be strong...

psychology stuff

Global Personality Test Results
Stability (9%) very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Orderliness (63%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.
Extraversion (52%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being assertive and social and being withdrawn and solitary.
Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Music Makes The World Go Round

Your Taste in Music:

80's Rock: Highest Influence
Classic Rock: Highest Influence
Hair Bands: High Influence
Progressive Rock: High Influence
80's Alternative: Low Influence
80's Pop: Low Influence
90's Pop: Low Influence
Adult Alternative: Low Influence

Let's Get This Show On The Road

This aggravates me......Post-Poned again. I just want to get this over with so I get to a new and better stage in my life. A stage growing past all this. A time to help myself move on and get better. But now i have to worry more until may 23rd the re-schedule trial date, more waiting more anticapating, more thinking .....I just want it to be finally over. I had alll my assignments from all my teachers for this whole week since they all know about it, I got the time off from work, JW is giving me as much time as I need off from school, people told me good luck and that they would think of me this week but noooooooooo it was pushed back for the 2nd time. That black dirty man is probably over there laughing and saying to himself hahaha it was cancelled again but like my dad said to me "His time will eventually run out" soon justice will hopefully do it's job. However the reason why ot was post-poned again is bc my judge was working with that serial rapist from the cleveland area who raped 10 girls or something and she gave him a worse sentence then everyone thought, so steph brought to my attention that maybe she will do the same for my trial and punish him worse than expected. Plus Mr. Waler went to school with her and they were buds back in the day so maybe that connection to JW will help me out a little bit. Anyways I cant' wait to see Roy tommorrow for the 1st time in almost 2 weeks, he has been out of town for his job. Well I love my new job, I love working with becki alten, Eric Wunderlie and O'malley, Not to mention Nick who goes to param, fun times fun times...more like play to me than work. School coming clost to it's final days..yippie...well me tired now..got work in the morning.

The Time Awaits

Well senior retreat was unexpectedly, amazing and wonderful. I made amends with many old friends and I also talked to some people that I never ever talked to and it was great. However like the title says the time awaits, it awaits me, I am sitting here at home while others are at school a place where I for once would really love to be instead of home. I am awaiting that phone call to hear when I have to go. After all that has happened it is finally time to tell my story and see if justice will do it's job. I am trying to not over worrying myself because boy have I done a lot of that, however I think having senior retreat right before I have to take the stand was good for me, it calmed me before the rest of this week and the stress and scariness it brings. I am scared of seeing his face sitting over on the defense side, I am scared of telling my story to strangers in the room, I am scared of speaking out loud with a microphone, I am scared of the defense attorney trying to ask me questions to make it seem like I was the bad person in this...just so many worries. I wish summer my kitty could come in the court room with me and comfort me but still I don't know if anything will be able to do the job. I just wish nothing like this ever happened to me or to anyone else but I can't change what already has happened but I can only learn from it, try and grow stronger as a person, and tell my story to others who might of went through the same thing hopefullywhen I become a counselor. Well I hope all goes well and I thank all those who said they would pray or be thinking of me.