I'm home again. Yay.
Will be home June 24 - July 14.
There is pounding music of all sorts, including something at-least-pseudo-if-no- actually-Middle Eastern and the "Leakspin" song, coming from behind the big canteen building, with the sounds of cheering and the smell of what I imagine to be food.
I am writing an essay about the May 4h movement, exams start Monday. Grr.
Weird dream last night.
I dreamed that Nat and Steph and I were putting on some kind of performance, we were going to be fairies, and once the costumes were all done we'd decide who was going to be the Black Fairy, and that this was somehow important. Steph had done all the designs, and we put them into the magic cauldron - which, for some reason, was roughly the size and appearance of a pool table, but deeper, with dark liquid inside, and a covered roof - and the papers turned colors like light bright green and pink and bubbled down below the surface.
There were two nameless guys with us who were going to be playing other characters. They were possibly Australian. We were awkwardly introduced, and I was worried about the fact that the Caucasian one* did not believe in the magic cauldron like we did, the other guy had a spirit bow that he was playing, not so usefully, to help, and we were all leaning around the cauldron and looking in. Later I was talking to the first guy, and laid down on the floor to nap despite the fact that the floor was covered in a lot of tiny plastic cylinders like the kind from the filtration system in our fish tank at home, he started telling me about some great pain in his life, and my response was that I knew this wasn't the most appropriate thing to say, but I had just fallen asleep on top of a lot of tiny plastic cylinders and now this was a bit painful.
At this point I ran off to find where Nat and Steph had gone, they were sitting in another room (we were in some very large mansion?) with more drawings and plans and talking to the other guy, and it was at this point that I woke up thinking "No, but I really, really want to go back and help with all the design plans!".
My next thought was that it was still only 6:50, and that I still got to sleep for another 20 minutes, and that this was brilliant, but I really did want to help with the design plans, whatever they were. I really don't know, I never got a clear image of what we were designing, just that it was obviously colorful, and pretty, and important.
Some things, I can spot the inspiration for, some things, I really wonder about my subconscious.
*Apologies for the descriptors, that was the only identifier used in my dream
Note: Rant. Skip if desired.
12:00 pm - This is ridiculous. I like food. Of all sorts, really. But when did that turn into thinking about it all the time and being practically unable to go to the canteen, the sweet potato stand, the grocery store and feeling that I have the...the duty to consume less? (In the long run, I only ever seem to eat more later, because surprise, surprise you get hungry). It's pretty much assumed that everyone female must be trying to lose weight, and most of these people are smaller than I am to begin with.
Argh, not even sure how to articulate this, and yes one should take a rational approach to health and I should just exercise more, but it's frustrating to have counters going in your head all the time, even if they're neither precise or accurate and more imagined than real, out of a sense of social pressure or I don't know what if nothing else. Then I get frustrated again and tell myself that I will go and eat another cornmeal pyramid from the staple foods window because I am perfectly entitled to do so, and on the way down the stairs see the sunlight glinting off the shoulder bones of girls outside the window and think that I really shouldn't have done that.
It's not rational, the rational response says that sure I've gained weight since coming here, but that was probably because I hardly exercised last term and now my roommate and I at least try and go to the gym fairly regularly and if I stick with regular exercise, I'm fine. I will never be one of the people who is alarmed by the prospect of swimming because "It makes your shoulders big!" or never wants to bicycle because it might do the same to your legs. (Note: real responses from a classmate), and in fact I don't want to be.
It's not rational, and I can try and ignore it or wave it away because it's not rational, but the fact that it's even there in the first place is a serious disappointment to my ten-year-old self who strongly disapproved of the silly things teenage girls worried about. The fact that I often eat meals by myself (not uncommon here) doesn't help with giving my subconscious extra room to play, and yes, one could bring body image and media and genetics a thousand other things into any discussion like this, and yes I'm venting, and yes, Dozie, I really do vent in a literary style if this is what you consider a literary style.
My ten-year-old-self was very strict about not falling for this sort of thing.
In Dinotopia, I believe the rule was "Eat to live, don't live to eat".
Augh. I have class.
12:41 pm - Well. That was cathartic. Haven't finished my baokan news reports, but feel rather better.I would have said it's awkward to even post this, but I self-censor even as I write, and no I'm not fishing for compliments, it's part of my general sense of wanting to tell stories to other people so they can become real. Not sure how to close this, I don't think I'm quite making sense.
The last joke should read:
Two nights ago, as our camp group was laying on mats looking up at the stars （plus Mars and Saturn!) that were actually visible becuase we were out of Beijing, I learned some really terrible Chinese jokes. Enjoy and/or be warned.
1.I have the option to leave Singapore on July 11th or 14th. Is anyone going to be arriving around this time or any otherwise important plans? Otherwise I will probably take the earlier date.
2.My MSN is not working.
3. HI HAN, I HEAR YOU READ THIS. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE COMING BACK TO THIS CITY THIS SUMMER AND IF SO WHEN.
4.Formating was messed up in the last post, I can't log in to edit it, so re-posting poems below: