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I feel absolutely devastated, today, my dog, Mohan passed away after seventeen years. I will love him always.

I am never going to date anyone again. I cant take the pain and the hurt that comes after. Not to mention I cant imagine putting myself through this feeling where i feel this absolutely betrayed and alone. I never want to leve my bed and dont feel as if i can face anyone without crying. I dont have anyone to talk to and i might as well be that orphan i initially was. I'm too scared and sounding too much like a 5 act play. time to go.

Current Mood: devestated

Its been a while since ive posted in this, mostly cause i tend to censor who i choose to see what in my life. The whole no secrets thing between people is not something im overly fond of. But in any case, I need to vent. And this being my journal is my emo ranting place to do so. For the first time in a very long time I find myself incredibly lonely. This is due to a number of different external factors, some of which involve people travelling, people being too poor, how differently two people rate the importance of their relationship with each other (which in this case directly relates to the output of effort they place)and my own considerable inability to make friends with people. I think it becomes more and more difficult for me to make friends with people from work, people that arent other senior staff members 100% of which at the moment are male apart from me. Mostly because when you have to tell a person to do something it makes it more difficult to maintain a professional relationship which has been something thats bitten me more than once this past year. Apart from that i know that im generally a reserved person which makes it very difficult to become friends with any random person i met. And whilst i always crave solitude adn rarely get it, I'm already starting to hate it now that i have it. However, to leave this on a point of optimism i know this is just a phase.

I guess I'm starting to know who i am by figuring out what im not.

im so bored of my life that its becoming depressing- it seems to lack any of its previous je ne sais quoi which im fairly sure i spelt incorrectly.
sadly enough this devoidness is exactly what led me to pill popping in the first place- i daresay walking around in ones own bubble is rather more enjoyable than this current emptiness.

anyway enough of this!

im not sure how i feel.

If i had the words I am and idiot printed on my forehead- that still wouldnt prevent me from making an idiot out of myself.

i hate how the only time i feel like writing in this is when im feeling upset.

let go let go LET FUCKING GO.

on the bright side im going to my first halloween whatever. success.

The only time im afraid of dying is under the realization i havent done anything significant with my life.

Current Music: Snow patrol- somewhere a clock is ticking
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