Tags: recipes


maple cheesecake with boar bacon!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a good cheesecake recipe.

My dear friend Deanna came out to visit us over the weekend. With her, she brought us wonderful gifts including venison summer sausage, fiddlehead ferns, amish eggs, and about eleventy billion pounds of bacon. Not just any old bacon, mind you – BOAR BACON.

She had also made the point in no uncertain terms that she wanted to partake in one of my infamous cheesecakes. And I am like, “mmm, bacon. mmm, cheesecake. Oh yeah, bacon cheesecake.”

and bacon cheesecake we did.


You will need:

About a lb. of bacon. Obviously, not everyone has access to boar bacon, so just go for some nice stuff. If you do this with something like Oscar Mayer I will laugh endlessly at you.

  • 16 oz. cream cheese, room temperature – this is crucial.
  • 5 eggs
  • 1/4 cup heavy cream
  • 1/2 cup maple syrup
  • 1 t. vanilla extract
  • 3T butter
  • 1 box Back to Nature Honey Graham Sticks


Oh my god. Did batty just put something with…grains in there? Isn’t she like paleo or primal or all caveman-y or something? ISN’T THIS *~*FORBIDDEN?!?!*~*

Oh sweet crap. Sometimes I just want a freakin’ cheesecake with graham crackers. if you want to go grain free, I suggest this recipe for the crust.

Prep Work:

Wrap the bottom of your springform pan in tin foil. Coat the inside with butter.  Preheat your oven to 375-400 degrees F.

Cook Bacon. Put in freezer to cool.

The Crust:

Throw the entire box in a food processor and pulverize to make crumbs. Pour crumbs into a bowl, and mush with butter until the butter is evenly distributed. Press this mixture firmly into the bottom of your springform pan.

The Filling:

With a hand mixer, blend cream cheese and maple syrup together. Add in cream and vanilla and blend a little bit more. Add the eggs, one at a time, making sure each egg is fully blended in before adding another one. Pour this mixture on top of the crust. You might need to tap the pan on the table for a bit to get most of the air bubbles out. If you notice from the picture, I was a bit too impatient :)

To Bake:

Place your springform pan inside a larger, deep baking pan. Put this combo on your oven rack. Take a cup and fill the baking pan with hot tap water until the level reaches about halfway up the springform pan. Set a timer for 35-40 minutes. With about 5 minutes left, take a peek. If it’s baking properly, the cake will look like it’s wet, but it will be firm. If it’s not, let it go for another 5 minutes.

After the timer goes off, shut the oven off. Don’t open the door. Keep it in the oven like this for another half hour or so.

Pull the bacon out of the freezer and chop into fine pieces.

Take the springform pan out of the water bath, and scatter the bacon pieces evenly on top. Press them into the cake a bit so they stick. Put the whole thing in the fridge for at least 12 hours.

Slice and serve, preferably on Star Wars Plates.

Such an excellent weekend! We did a LOT of biking, of which poor Deanna hadn’t done in a long time. Her first ride was about 26 miles and she plowed right through it. Such a trooper she is.

She’s also notorious for eating weird shit, and she was able to score some goodies that have been hard to come by in her neck of the woods. What were they? I am sure she will blog about it herself. I dont want to steal her thunder :)

And, in case the rumor perpetuates that all I’m doing now is eating cheesecake and grains (or bacon, for that matter), here’s a purdy shot of dinner:

That’s a mango salsa with coconut that I picked up from the West Side Market. Hooyeah. Guac by Noah!

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Originally published at batty.us. You can comment here or there.


rethinking tuna salad

I love mayo. Usually I make my own, though, because store bought mayo is full of  soybean oil and other inflammatory substances that make your body sad. However, I’ve been incredibly lazy as of late, so I can’t be arsed to make my own mayo, either.

So I turn to avocado. Take 1/2 of one and mush it up with a can of tuna and about half a tablespoon of balsamic vinegar. Serve on top of a bed of baby spinach, and sprinkle with crushed macadamias.

This was my breakfast, btw. It doesn’t always have to be about eggs and – dare I say – bacon.

Originally published at batty.us. You can comment here or there.


and now, another recipe

I have a sweet tooth. I am not ashamed to admit this. However,  just in this past year, I’ve really managed to refine just exactly what satisfies this craving. You’re talking to a chick who could easily down six maple logs in one sitting at the age of 12. I did that often.  Also, Suzy-Q’s and Mountain Dew at the same time. Which is why I had a huge butt for most of my life. Scaling that sweet tooth back has allowed my butt to get smaller. And healthier.

I ate a couple of 60% chocolate chips the other day. I immediately got ill. I’m also thankful for this because it keeps me away from crap.

I still like to bake, though, and do so according to my new tastes. Which usually means that most of my non primal friends think my stuff tastes like ass. That’s ok, because I think Betty Crocker frosting tastes like diluted roach poop. You’re missing out on the real flavor of real food if you’re covering it all up with cups of refined sugar.

It’s also bugging me that I’m seeing all these primal holiday recipes that involve 1/2 cup of honey at a minimum. That’s not doing you any favors, either.

That was an entirely too wordy intro to my cheesecake. I’ll indulge in these once every couple of months, and they’re usually made for my friend Noah because he loves them. And when you love my baking, you get more of it. And you get them in pirate cups especially for Christmas. These come in at just under 3g of sugar per serving.

Pumpkin Cheesecake Cupcakes

You will need:

  • 1/2 large can pumpkin
  • 16 oz. mascarpone cheese
  • 5 eggs
  • 3 scoops vanilla protein powder. It MUST be vanilla. My favorite is Optimum Nutrition 100% Casein.
  • 3T cinnamon
  • 1/2 t nutmeg
  • 1/2 t ground ginger
  • dash of allspice
  • 1/2 stick of butter
  • 2 c. pecan meal
  • 1 T maple syrup
  • 1/2 c. heavy cream
  • 1.5 c. chocolate chips, 85% or above

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and put muffin cups in 2 12 count trays.

For the crust:

Melt butter until slightly soft. In a bowl, combine butter with pecan meal and maple syrup until the meal is moist. With a spoon, press mixture into the bottom of the muffin cups.

For the cheesecake:

In a food processor, combine eggs and cheese until blended. Add pumpkin, protein powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and allspice and blend until smooth.  Scoop mixture into the muffin cups so that they’re about 2/3rds filled.

Put in the oven, gingerly, and bake for about 30 minutes, or until you see the tops of the cheesecake start to brown a little.

For the chocolate ganache:

Heat up the cream via microwave or stove – doesn’t matter – until JUST boiling. Don’t let it boil. Pour into a bowl and add the chocolate chips. With a whisk, stir until smooth. This will take a very, very long time to achieve. It might initially look like you’re going to end up with chocolate milk, but keep stirring, it will thicken.

Spread the chocolate on top of the cheesecake. Don’t get too thick with this, as the ganache gets pretty solid.

Refrigerate until everything is cooled. Makes 24 cupcakes. Duh.

Merry Christmas!

Originally published at batty.us. You can comment here or there.


a processed bullshit-free thanksgiving

Turkey day dinner at our house again. This year, however, I insisted on eating real food, which meant the heavy absence of grain products. I was rather….bullheaded about it and i got into it a few times with my mother. But, I wanted to prove a point and I think I got it across.  We purchased our turkey from the farm where we get our eggs, bacon, and pork. We went in on a pigshare with a friend, so our freezer is currently brimming with pig parts. Th only other stop I made was to the produce section at the grocery store, and despite the store being crowded on the day before Thanksgiving, I got in and out in record time because NOBODY WAS IN THAT SECTION. Yeah, I hope those reconstituted sweet potato flakes tasted real nice next to your canned cranberry mush. Eesh.  Anyway, this year’s dinner was probably the best tasting and prettiest I’ve ever made, and I’m proud that I was able to provide that for the ones I love.

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Originally published at batty.us. You can comment here or there.


cleveland groks!

This week, a bunch of us cleveland groks got together to hang with a fellow grok from Ohio’s nether regions who was in town. I love these guys. Lots of conversation, laughter, and of course, food. I love food. Food is great. We had the grill blazing, the stove going, and a bottle or two of wine might have been involved.

Everyone brought a dish to share, and holy hell, was there a ton of food. And all of it good for us.

I am so mad that I didn’t get a before picture. Obviously, this is the state of the table after the first round. Olives, salmon, Noah’s special sauce crock n balls, chili, soup, organic hot dogs – and that round orange thing by the flowers? crustless pumpkin pie.

I contributed a pumpkin bread type thing [lower left corner - and by 'bread' I mean not bread, as I don't use flour] whose recipe was completely pulled out of my keister, and chipotle lime kale chips. I have developed a mild addiction to kale and it’s quickly surpassing my addiction to spinach.

You smell a recipe coming on, don’t you.

You would be right.

Chipotle Lime Kale Chips

You will need:

  • 3/4 cup olive oil
  • 1/2 cup sliced almonds
  • 1 chipotle pepper
  • 1/2 T chili powder
  • 1/4 T cumin
  • 1 T lime juice
  • 2 large bunches of kale

Wash and dry your kale. Cut the stems off and chop the leaves into large pieces. Depending on your leaf size, you might not have to chop them up too much.

In a food processor, pour in your olive oil and turn it on. Slowly add the lime juice until its incorporated. Add the cumin, chili powder, and pepper. Finally, add the almonds.

Put your kale in a bowl and pour the mixture on. With your hands – seriously, just use your damn hands, you big wuss – work the oil mixture on all the leaves until all of them are coated. You will know this is happening because the leaves will start to shrink. The almonds should stick to the leaves and not end up on the bottom of the bowl.

Put the leaves on a cookie sheet and bake in a 350 degree oven for about 5 minutes. Take em out, flip them over, put them back in and bake for another 5. They should be crispy but not charred. Keep an eye on them because kale can char fast.

These are so much better than potato chips.

Originally published at batty.us. You can comment here or there.


autumn rice

This recipe is so simple that I almost didn’t post it. But, sometimes simplicity is better. And tastier.

This recipe stems from a dish that I made for thanksgiving last year, which involved wild rice, which I dont eat anymore.  A very excellent rice substitute is cauliflower, which is much better for you with its boatload of health benefits. Simply pass chunks of cauliflower [I prefer to use fresh] through your food processor or grater so that it’s the size of rice grains. Thats, uh, pretty much it. And since it’s on the verge of apple season, this is rather appropriate.

Autumn rice

You will need:

  • 2 cups riced cauliflower
  • 1/2 t. ground thyme or 1T fresh
  • 1/4 t. dried sage
  • 1/8 t. garlic powder
  • 1 green onion
  • 2 medium granny smith apples
  • handfuls of:
  • dried cranberries
  • raisins
  • slivered almonds

Chop the apples and green onion into small chunks.  In a microwave safe bowl, throw everything in. Add just a teeny bit of water. Cover and microwave for at least 4-5 minutes, until everything is hot.  If you prefer your almonds crunchy, omit them until you’re done cooking the mix.

Aaaaaand seriously, that’s it. It is even better with butter on it. I plan on making this as one of the side dishes for Thanksgiving – its a delicious stuffing alternative.

Originally published at batty.us. You can comment here or there.


grilled peaches and almond cream.

SUMMER IS OVER, PEOPLE. The coconut oil is spending more time in a solid state. I have lost interest in tending to the garden. My walks with lady are now in the dark. And Labor Day. Labor Day reminds you that you have about a month and a half to get your Halloween costume ready and only about 5 paychecks left until Christmas. However, my longtime homies know that my Labor Day weekend is usually spent in my hometown at the Melon Festival. Growing up, we always got the day after Labor Day off as well, which allowed us to flip school the bird for one more weekend and send us into a steaming pile of denial.

I’d go on at length about the wonders of the Melon Festival, but the truth of the matter is that it absolutely sucked this year. I could probably post pictures of the fest from, like, 10 years ago and pass them off like I took em this weekend. Except…I no longer have blue hair and I have a kid. No worries, that’s what Photoshop is for.

boog got inked. fortunately it's only henna.

Well, that’s the adult view, anyway. The 5 year old view is that Melon Festial is awesome because you seemingly have this unlimited cash stream which fuels your need for games and rides. People throw candy at you. And you end up winning things like giant inflatable baseball bats that you use to torment your adult caregivers until they explode.

This was actually the first year that boog was able to ride rides that didn’t involve sitting down and moving around in a circle. he was very excited about that.  Being his mother’s child, he had no concept of safety, so he pretty much tackled everything that didn’t look like it would make him barf.

like the bungee jumping.

And how freaking kickass is this? Giant inflatable balls on water. I wanted one for the backyard, but prices for these things start at like $500. Oh and I dont think we have the yard space for the pool.

Anyway. Sunday is parade day, and my mom’s house is on the parade route so she always ends up with a zillion people at her house. And a zillion pounds of food. My mom had been telling some of her friends that I’ve been doing the primal thing, so they were very curious about my culinary contributions. I made grilled jalapeno poppers [wrapped in bacon, of course] and the apple and beet salad that I just cannot get enough of.  But the dessert got the most compliments and questions, so I thought I’d post the recipe. This is good for when you’re grilling out, the steaks are done, and the coals are still hot and you feel kinda guilty about letting them just sit there.

Grilled Peaches with Almond Cream

You will need:

  • 2 peaches
  • 1/2 cup mascarpone cheese
  • 1/4 cup heavy whipping cream
  • 1/8 t. almond extract
  • your choice of: honey, maple syrup [recommended], or stevia extract, to taste. you can even omit this if sugar ain’t your bag.
  • a small handful of slivered almonds
  • cinnamon

In a bowl, whip the cream with a hand mixer until it forms some pretty solid peaks. Add the mascarpone, almond extract, and sweetener and blend again until well combined. Set this in the fridge to set up a bit.

Cut your peaches in half, removing the pits, and with a spoon, carve out just a little extra space to form a cup. Put the peaches cut side down on the grill over the coals until grill marks form, then flip em, and cover the grill for about 5 minutes or so.

Take the peach halves and assemble them on a plate. Uh, wait. i’d recommend letting them cool a bit first, otherwise your hands will have issues. Grab the cream and spoon a bit into each cup. Garnish with the slivered almonds and sprinkle with cinnamon.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit out in the backyard in my bathing suit. No, it’s not 40 degrees out there. It’s still summer.

Shut up.

Originally published at batty.us. You can comment here or there.


Meatza, reloaded

Its been a reeeeeaaally long time since I’ve had a meatza. Current conversations over on MDA planted that meatza bug again and I said OK I AM HAVING MEATZA FRIDAY I TELL YOU WHAT. I’ve got the MS 150 to do tomorrow, so I also wanted to do a bit of a carb load with some potatoes.  The goal: to concoct a meatza-like substance that included potatoes.

Goal Achieved.

hello, shawarma meatza with tzatziki sauce. you are delicious.

recipe this way.

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Originally published at batty.us. You can comment here or there.