Tags: my brain



there is approximately 8 years of my life recorded on lj. on occasion, i'll pick the current date and go back as far as i can to see what i was doing/thinking at that particular time. at this time about 7 years ago i had just come back from DJing dracula's ball and started freelancing, if you wanna know.

mommy bike. boog bike. you can see my shoes and biking gloves drying out in the sun on the chair outside. they are still wet. i like using 'boog' as an adjective.
some of it is amusing, some of it is, like, a seriously painful reminder of just how hideously f'ed up i was. i drank. a lot. several times a week. i was drunk a lot before 9pm on work nights, would show up to work stupid late, ate like absolute shit, and was for the most part horribly irresponsible.

i'm not one to put too much sadness into negative experiences - negative things make you who you are today just as much as the positives. while reading these things invoked the occasional embarassment, disbelief, and internal sayings of "holy shit, did i do that?", i have to say i am really happy about who and where i am now. for example, last night - a friday night - without boog, and there's half a bottle of vodka in my kitchen and has remained untouched for almost a month.

a long time ago, i did that 'anonymous comment' meme and one of the comments that has stuck with me was worded something like 'i miss goth you.' from a purely aesthetic standpoint, i sometimes miss that, too. on a more personal level, however, i realize that 'goth' me was pretty much just a tool of entertainment for the masses, quietly destroying myself for the amusement of The Scene. i do know if i had continued down that path, things would have been way, way worse, and more than likely i'd be dead by now.

my life isn't perfect by any means right now - i'm barely making it financially, and my current living situation is less than optimal, but i am healthier - physically as well as mentally, i have a child that kicks all kinds of ass, and really, i am way better off right now overall.

hell, past me wouldn't even be able to type such an entry. i am glad i have changed.

i am selfish.

growing up, i was known as THE ARTIST. i dont really know why, because i recall a few kids who were infinitely better than i was.

in 3rd grade i started drawing this cartoon-y dog and for some reason it became wildly popular with my classmates. i would have to spend homeroom and break time drawing this dang thing over and over again for friends. but it made me feel good because 1. i was getting attention, and 2. i thought i was gaining popularity because people liked me.

our teachers would hang pictures, etc given to them around their desks. one day, i looked over at one teacher's desk and i see one of my dog drawings.

on it was written: "to: $teacher by: $kid_i_drew_the_picture_for"

i flipped the crap out and refused to make any more drawings for anyone, and pissed off a lot of kids.

i do more than i let people know about. i routinely hold back my ideas in brainstorming sessions until i get them down on paper and prove that the ideas were mine. and, finally, i keep a lot of things i take seriously to myself, because i know if i share, it will be disrespected. i also do this with things that i find, or activities that i do. there was someone in my past who was notorious for this. if i did something, they'd have to do it, too. if i got something, they would acquire it shortly thereafter. it drove me nuts.

basically, i really hate it when people jump on my bandwagon instead of me letting me be me. i confess that while each thing individually is not particularly original, its the collective of these things that makes me separate from others.

this is one of my quirks.

edited because the comments were going away from the point i was trying to make.

(no subject)

at work, bret asked me what my new years resolutions were. i told him that i am not making any because i fail miserably at them. he said, "i think i'm gonna resolve to drink more. you might as well make ones that you know you can keep, right?"

so ive adapted bret's convention and made my own.

  1. continue taking in oxygen for my general well being.

  2. be less of a douche

  3. go outside

  4. eat breakfast

  5. be better to those friends who hold a solid place in my heart but because of my own brain have not done so

  6. do things with said friends

  7. love on my boog as much as possible

  8. continue to find joy in the things others deem insignificant

  9. work on keeping my zen state without becoming apathetic.

  10. not shit my pants

i think that about covers it.

(no subject)

friday marked my 3 year anniversary at work. prior to this, i've never stayed at a job more than a year. i think that's saying something.

ever since sushispook fulfilled my longtime wish to have a pony, i've been trying to find something new to whine about. i determined that this new wish was to own a pair of what what pants. however, this might also get nipped in the bud as my sister threatened to make me a pair for christmas. so help me, if this wish is fulfilled i will totally wear them to work.

i have taken vacay from christmas to essentially jan 3. while i would really just love to mold my couch cushions into a permanent imprint of my face, i do realize that this might not be the healthiest option. if anyone wants to hang, possibly do lunch/dinner/whatever, please let me know. i'll even show up in possible what what pants if you ask me nicely.

yesterday was rather hard dropping boog off at his great grandma's for jeremy's time this week. tradition is that boog goes to the dining room window and waves bye to you, much to the dismay of oncoming traffic. for some reason i was a little teary this time.


i cannot really see how having a black man in the white house is going to help end racism. hear me out, here. well, in the long run, hopefully, but lately, i think its caused the racists to come out of the woodwork.

i am a white woman living in the rural midwest full of the blue collar whitest white that ever whited. the types of people that more than likely work and associate with POC, but get them around "their kind" and the shit just flies.

they see me and because i am white, they consider me to be one of "their kind", which means they think they can be a bit more open and honest about themselves to me than they would generally. they think i will understand or get the joke and i dont, because it pisses me the hell off.

i am talking about the N word. i hate it with a fiery passion. i cannot say it and i refuse to type it. i have heard this damn word more times since obama was elected than i have in my whole life. last night, i was "jokingly" called a N-lover because i mentioned i voted for him. "oh, are you part black? oh, you must be because you voted for him! HURR HURR HURR!!"

how many black man jokes i have heard, or read because these people think i will find it funny because i am so "open minded". you can imagine their surprise when i unleash several levels of firey hell upon them.

i hate it, i am sick of it, and this shit just needs to stop. but it won't. it is going to get worse before anything gets better.
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random things

joy: the weather.

joy: i got a commission check from njoy. holy hell, whoever's using my code: THANK YOU.

joy: boog is amassing a collection of toys that shit brown jellybeans.

joy: my apartment complex is NOT raising my rent for next year. never in my apartment dwelling life has this happened. the owners also develop property, and i'm now eligible to have a portion of my rent go towards a down payment for a house if i buy from them. i have to see if this would work for me.

joy: boog's hat from his costume has been added to The Boog Museum.

joy: i am spinning at the chamber on friday. a number of work people are coming. IT sam and his BFF, maybe adam and his wife, possibly joe [carey!] if i can get him to. gonna see if i can threaten batboy into going, too.

joy: my dating life has exploded [in the good way] and it came from out of the blue. i'm not worried.

pain: two of my tires are bald and i need to buy new ones.

pain: i am still heinously busy at work. this might also be considered a joy because hey, job security.

neither here nor there: i go in with jeremy on saturday to have our dissolution paperwork notarized and then filed. if i act really weird for the next few months please understand why. while my mind, body, and spirit have improved so, so much in the last year, it's still just.....well, you know. i am, however, very eager to reclaim my old last name.

let me tell you about the 7 mile headwind.

i play this in the car all the time. it makes me feel better.

ended up not playing volleyball tonight. jeremy's mom has boog. something that i was really, really much looking forward to did not happen due to to circumstances out of one's control and it left me really, really, REALLY bummed beyond belief. like, super bummed. way bummed.

did i mention bummed?


when i get bummed, pretty much everything sucks. the weather sucks. traffic sucks. i suck and i end up hating myself. years ago i would have cried a lot and sat like a lump on the couch and hated myself even more. but that was then, and i really dont like listening to my head demons anymore.

so i suited up and hit the trails. i started out on the valley parkway and decided to hit big creek and do it in its entirety. route is here. i am so mad that lj wont let me embed that shit. it was a pretty decent ride with some hellacious hills that i ttly pwn3d. the downside of this path is that is goes through asshole suburbia, namely goddamn parma heights and all of their stupidity. also it crosses a lot of busy roads so i spent a lot of time waiting for lights. 22.6 miles, ~85 minutes. not too thrilled with that, but on the way back i encountered a really bad headwind for 7 goddamn miles.

i stopped at the turnaround point to rest. i shouldnt have. i should have kept going. it took me half the ride back to get my momentum back again.

i use the bike trail instead of the road because the pros use the road and i feel that i would just be in the way. the road is more direct, obvs - the trail curves all over the place and has more hills, which is good for a challenge. i noticed one pro on the road, because they all have hot asses, and i am an ass girl. he was blazing and i thought he left me in the dust on the trail. next thing i know im at an intersection where i have to stop, and he's right there next to me.

and he turns to me and says "you know, i was doing my best to beat you, but i didn't. you're a really strong rider."

i kinda went all smirky and thanked him and we parted ways and then when i got back i posted a missed connections ad on craigslist and drank a protein shake while smoking a cigarette.

but it got me to thinking about how i underestimate myself sometimes. i dont like giving myself credit, and i dont like to come across as arrogant. therefore a lot of times i see less of myself than what i actually am, or underestimate my capabilities. trying to go beyond these limits makes me grossly uncomfortable. but then, i worry about what successes i miss or accomplishments i could have made if i just had *that* much more self confidence. on the flip side, i fear failure all the time and worry that if i do go beyond those limits i will bite off more than i can chew and it will get messy.

IT jay and shawn always reprimand me when they come into the training room and i'm playing guitar hero on hard instead of expert. they say i'm beyond that now.

just some shit to think about.

do they make a padded sport bra? i am tired of looking like a dude when i ride.

the birds are shining, the sun is singing

today i am basking in the glow of my power to change things. its not like i never had it, but 532532 mental states and 35315312532 iterations of myself ago, i was so mentally bogged that i couldn't use it properly. but now, after my sizable life changes, i can clearly see a problem and take the means necessary to make it no longer a problem. its kind of a minuscule revelation, but for the most part i hold the most appreciation for the small things in life.

i wish i had been able to harness this about 10 years ago. but hey, things happen when they do for a reason. im just glad it didn't happen when im 80. i have such a stinking clarity on life right now that its almost scaring me.

to those in the know: shut up.

IT shawn and i have a goal to bike to work together on...uh, july 18th, i think. using the really, really awesome site carrier pointed out to me [thank you!!!], ive made a route that hopefully will not make me get hit by large vehicles or get mugged. this isnt the final version, ive refined it a little, but i havent put it in the site yet. i think we meet up somewhere between mile 10 and 15. 30 miles is completely doable, but if you click on that 'show elevation' bar down at the bottom, you will see that getting through the river valley is going to be a royal pain in the ass. i have to go get some cages for my tomato plants that just doubled in size in a week, and then do some of this route to scope it out. please pray that i do not die.

to those of you that live in real mountains: shut up.

and my coffee is weak. please note that my weak coffee would kill all of you just by being in the same room with it.

i have never selected 'good' in the mood list before. today, i am using it.

i am not fishing for compliments.

stuff on my cat tshirts are only $8 right now.

so i was thinking about stuff today. i know, huge shocker there. i'm actually *thinking*. about shoes, specifically. any of you that have known me for some length of time know that i pretty much prefer boots. big, stompy ones. i never really considered anything smaller, or for that matter, heels. i was trying to figure out why this was, and i came to several conclusions:

1. i'm a tomboy, not very girly in the slightest. when i wore heels, i felt like those super jocky girls that, when put in feminine clothing, just looked like jock girls in skirts. does that make sense? like, i didnt think i was feminine enough to wear feminine things.

2. i felt that i was too heavy/fat for them. i dont understand this one, either. i know a lot of BBWs who wear heels all the time and look hot as hell.

3. only hot chicks wear heels. i was/am not one of them.

dont criticize me for my thoughts, here - i'm just laying it out for you. that's how i felt.

over the past few months i have noticed that i have almost completely shed the boots. the new rocks have laid dormant in my closet for years now - not that i'd even wear them anymore because they're so, like, 2002. i gotta say 'almost' completely because i still wear boots, but they have heels now. high heels. i have my docs, and the last time i really wore those was when i moved. and now, my regular favorite pair of shoes are my mary jane wedges. YES, MARY JANES. i never, ever thought i'd catch myself in a pair of manry janes, let alone *heeled* ones. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY KICK SOME ASS IN MARY JANES?

i have answered that question myself. my shoe wardrobe now consists of all heels now. i absolutely cannot wear flats now and do not. i dont know exactly when the preference change took place. assessing my reasons above, i can now rule out #2, which i think gave me the little nudge to explore this un-battied realm of fashion. it must have been a big, big factor because i still kinda believe in 1 and 3.

its weird how i am changing.