Samantha (april_ethereal_) wrote,
Samantha
april_ethereal_

A Place to Write Without Clutter.

I don't think I've been here for a while, and I have been working on editing by hand, but I am guessing that typing all that's going on in my head is a bit quicker and less reliant on my ancient texts, the oldest of which dates 1996. That would be 20 years old by now, and of course, it's a neon Lisa Frank notebook. Some of them are covered with stickers and commentary.

Amund and I just got back from New York, which was an adventure that we had together. It's where I picked up all of my old books. He met the family, got a sentence or two out every day, (let's say they can talk), but it was lovely. We had a generally positive experience with the family otherwise, and had a complete New York City experience otherwise. We went to restaurants and enjoyed the local fare, My favorite place was Friedman's, which was classic American diner style, done right, and 100% gluten free. I think I ate there 4 times. We also went to Hustler Club and ended up in the Champagne room with a flexible stripper who liked to get spanked, while constantly being served drinks, listening to rap music, and smoking a joint. Amund and I locked eyes while I had said joint in my mouth, tits in my face, ass in his, and we had a moment of pure #yolo. We had great hotels as well, and I took advantage of the spa daily at the hotel we stayed at for the last week. I'm pretty sure we were the only ones staying there.


So I have been spending a lot of time going over my old books and there are a lot of points I need to write about, because they are the most heavily mentioned in my writings.

It was hilarious reading my 13-year-old self. My handwriting had changed, I used brightly colored pens, and I was pure rebellion. The one many of the points I wanted to write about were my hormones and puberty, which started when I was 10. So I was pretty much done by the time my peers were starting, and I always associated with the older group. It's just where I was. I was kind of ahead my entire life. I read at a high school age in ninth grade. Early puberty is a common in patients with endometriosis, due to elevated estrogen levels.
It's all connected, so I wanted to write about my sexuality as well. I engaged in sexual activities when I was 14, and had sex for the first time then as well, and in hindsight, looking at other 14 year olds, that's super young, but, as I mentioned, I was just kind of ahead. Between 14 and 16, I dated boys mostly 3-5 years older than me. I had my first three-way experience when I was 16 and it was with two male models. I was ahead, but I was also behind. I had so much youth and naivety left in me and I was dealing with some super adult situations. I was still 16, which is still a kid. I was in high school, and I was doing well. I did well in high school and in college until I got sick and college became overwhelming. I was always kind of ahead in my head, and also behind. I was naive as hell. I often refer to myself in that age as a "naive little shit". I got out of it, thankfully, but I also wrote that I believed I would always be referred to as "naive little shit" by my 10-years-older self. I will remain on my toes. For her sake.



Another thing I wrote about ad nauseam was my love of wildlife. Horses, dolphins, whales, (and apparently) pandas, in that order. Before that, it was a shark phase, and a dinosaur phase. I've been fascinated by science, nature, and the world around me since I can remember. I remember pouring over kid's science books, learning everything I possibly could. I also wrote articles, poetry and prose, and have several entries from that time. A large part of it was about horses or whales, or maybe a bit of fiction about a group of young teens who have ready access to both. At the same time. Fantasy. And also about myself. The hit of puberty was evident when I started talking about crushes on celebrities and then eventually my classmates. I was literate at a very early age, and also very ahead of my age group. It's why I found myself drifting off in school, when we were learning basic reading skills, and I used the library a lot, and I also wrote and drew. I had a teacher who pulled me out of class and scolded me for not paying attention, but I had already learned what they were learning years ago.

The love of horses was from growing up around them. My parents met on a Horse farm, and raised my sister and I there every weekend, holiday and summer for the first 12 or so years of my life. They worked there someone (sometimes me) watched my sister, and I kind of did whatever I wanted. I rode on trail tours with my mom and others whenever my preferred horse of the 50 horses they had were available. When I wasn't riding, or taking care of my sister, I mostly wandered around the give or take 200 acres of forests, clearings, orchards, and a mountaintop. I loved how secluded everything was, and it was a very essential break from my busy childhood. I want to write more details about this place and how truly magical and fortunate part of my life it was.
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