A Place to Write Without Clutter.

I don't think I've been here for a while, and I have been working on editing by hand, but I am guessing that typing all that's going on in my head is a bit quicker and less reliant on my ancient texts, the oldest of which dates 1996. That would be 20 years old by now, and of course, it's a neon Lisa Frank notebook. Some of them are covered with stickers and commentary.

Amund and I just got back from New York, which was an adventure that we had together. It's where I picked up all of my old books. He met the family, got a sentence or two out every day, (let's say they can talk), but it was lovely. We had a generally positive experience with the family otherwise, and had a complete New York City experience otherwise. We went to restaurants and enjoyed the local fare, My favorite place was Friedman's, which was classic American diner style, done right, and 100% gluten free. I think I ate there 4 times. We also went to Hustler Club and ended up in the Champagne room with a flexible stripper who liked to get spanked, while constantly being served drinks, listening to rap music, and smoking a joint. Amund and I locked eyes while I had said joint in my mouth, tits in my face, ass in his, and we had a moment of pure #yolo. We had great hotels as well, and I took advantage of the spa daily at the hotel we stayed at for the last week. I'm pretty sure we were the only ones staying there.

So I have been spending a lot of time going over my old books and there are a lot of points I need to write about, because they are the most heavily mentioned in my writings.

It was hilarious reading my 13-year-old self. My handwriting had changed, I used brightly colored pens, and I was pure rebellion. The one many of the points I wanted to write about were my hormones and puberty, which started when I was 10. So I was pretty much done by the time my peers were starting, and I always associated with the older group. It's just where I was. I was kind of ahead my entire life. I read at a high school age in ninth grade. Early puberty is a common in patients with endometriosis, due to elevated estrogen levels.
It's all connected, so I wanted to write about my sexuality as well. I engaged in sexual activities when I was 14, and had sex for the first time then as well, and in hindsight, looking at other 14 year olds, that's super young, but, as I mentioned, I was just kind of ahead. Between 14 and 16, I dated boys mostly 3-5 years older than me. I had my first three-way experience when I was 16 and it was with two male models. I was ahead, but I was also behind. I had so much youth and naivety left in me and I was dealing with some super adult situations. I was still 16, which is still a kid. I was in high school, and I was doing well. I did well in high school and in college until I got sick and college became overwhelming. I was always kind of ahead in my head, and also behind. I was naive as hell. I often refer to myself in that age as a "naive little shit". I got out of it, thankfully, but I also wrote that I believed I would always be referred to as "naive little shit" by my 10-years-older self. I will remain on my toes. For her sake.

Another thing I wrote about ad nauseam was my love of wildlife. Horses, dolphins, whales, (and apparently) pandas, in that order. Before that, it was a shark phase, and a dinosaur phase. I've been fascinated by science, nature, and the world around me since I can remember. I remember pouring over kid's science books, learning everything I possibly could. I also wrote articles, poetry and prose, and have several entries from that time. A large part of it was about horses or whales, or maybe a bit of fiction about a group of young teens who have ready access to both. At the same time. Fantasy. And also about myself. The hit of puberty was evident when I started talking about crushes on celebrities and then eventually my classmates. I was literate at a very early age, and also very ahead of my age group. It's why I found myself drifting off in school, when we were learning basic reading skills, and I used the library a lot, and I also wrote and drew. I had a teacher who pulled me out of class and scolded me for not paying attention, but I had already learned what they were learning years ago.

The love of horses was from growing up around them. My parents met on a Horse farm, and raised my sister and I there every weekend, holiday and summer for the first 12 or so years of my life. They worked there someone (sometimes me) watched my sister, and I kind of did whatever I wanted. I rode on trail tours with my mom and others whenever my preferred horse of the 50 horses they had were available. When I wasn't riding, or taking care of my sister, I mostly wandered around the give or take 200 acres of forests, clearings, orchards, and a mountaintop. I loved how secluded everything was, and it was a very essential break from my busy childhood. I want to write more details about this place and how truly magical and fortunate part of my life it was.

And a few months later...

The handsome viking with whom I was having a relationship with turned into my dear boyfriend, Amund, who I can only describe as perfect. Our relationship is healthy and progressive. I have read my entries in the past, that have described relationships with past people as "healthy", but what I meant was "non-abusive". It's a bit sad to admit, but there's still truth to it.

My relationship with Amund is healthy in that we communicate constantly, and "we need to talk" are not bad words in our relationship. I began my relationship with him with no filter, and I constantly speak my mind. He does the same, and he finds me genuinely fascinating as a person, and is interested to know what goes on in my head. He gives me great feedback as well. He's been helping me with my health so much. At the start of our relationship, when talking about how I have been battling my illness myself for so many years, he told me that those days were over. I didn't take him too seriously at the time, because we hadn't been together all that long, and he hadn't seen all sides of me.

He was serious. He follows me to as many appointments as he can, and helps clarify for me on days when I am in a fog. He helped me create a daily blog to track my symptoms and my progress. We have days he plans to keep me active, and we have days when all I want to do is lie in bed and cease to exist. He's there on those days as well, to bring me groceries, make me dinner, and rub my back.

My feelings for him grew the more I got to know him. He comes from a large and well to do family of lawyers and engineers from the posher side of town. He's a typical nerd with his fandoms. Smokes weed and drinks alcohol on occasion. He's two years older than me, and went to school for economical studies, and works as an account consultant. He's the oldest of four siblings, and helps take care of his youngest brother, who is chronically ill. It explained the preternatural level of patience this man possesses.

I mentioned in November that we had an interesting relationship dynamic and it is in that we are both sexually dominant. In his years in the army, he recognised his sadism, and explored it further into his twenties, when he became very skilled with rope bondage. He dated a few girls before me who were into it, but not on my level at all. When he first met me, his tinder profile simply said "looking for my Ms.Steele", a vague 50 shades of grey reference to get out to the girls of Oslo. After he "super liked" me, I chatted with him and he found me instantly fascinating, but initially thought I was submissive. I was more than he ever could have imagined.

At first, our sex was a bit clumsy because we had to actually work hard to communicate what we both liked, but we knew we both wanted each other. Badly. Eventually, we got it to work, and it works so fucking well. We currently have a vibrant and expanding universe of a sexual relationship.
Our dynamic as of now is this: We are equal to each other. We are allowed to play with submissives together, I am given a lot of freedom to pursue other D/s relationships (mostly with intent of having someone to share), we roleplay for each other, we love each other immensely, we respect each other, we fulfil each other.

He spends a lot of time here in the apartment and deals with all of the chaos that comes with it. He loves my Zindi and usually scoops her up and showers her with kisses after greeting me. I feel I am just going on and on listing all the wonderful things this man does, but it's not important what he does, it's that he is good to me, loves me with every fiber of his being, and I love him too.

Motivated to write something about everything...

I often get trapped in my own head and forget about how lucky I am to be surrounded by such amazing people who truly love me so much. My parents came to visit a few weeks ago and we had a fantastic time. After we went out to dinner on the first night, we went to Rock In, and as I approached a block away, I waved at the tables of people. My parents asked me if I knew any of those people and I knew every single one of them very well, and they embraced my parents with open arms and eventually got them, what they are telling me is the "Drunkest They Have Ever Been In Their Lives". We also were blessed with scorching tropical summer weather, when we took a boat trip to the islands and hung out on the beach, and then melted in the mountains. Norway showed them a good time.

Sjur and I have been seeing a lot less of each other and it's mostly my fault because I have drawn back a bit. Not in a bad way, I still love him and he still loves me, so very much, but I think it's important to take a step back from him as well, just to make sure all the pieces are in the right places when they fall, because they will. I don't have chemistry with anyone like I have with him. He is really special, and we have an incredibly deep bond with each other.

He publicly expressed his reluctance to meeting my parents when they were here, and I had to kind of give him an "Oh, really?", and have a nice chat with him when it was an appropriate time, and I did. After a day of wild hung over sex, I told him that if he knew what was best for him, he would be at Rock In, at 16.00 on the dot, because I'd be there with my parents.

At 16.01 Sjur strolled down the stairs having been to the hairdresser, and was dressed nicely in a black button down shirt and black dress pants. He was all manscaped and groomed. Shy at first, he had a really nice chat with my mom for a few hours before they turned in, and then all four of us went out for Italian food on Aker Brygge. Somewhere, there actually exist a posed photograph of me and Sjur on the pier. My father took it. It's probably the first photo taken of him in 8 years.

He came to the bar while I was working last week, and yesterday, I came by his office with a cup of fancy coffee just to have a chat in the sunshine. We will spend a lot of time together next weekend, and I was asked if I was going home to him, and I just didn't feel up to it, as much as I love him. I would have never been this way a few months ago. I would have been pressuring to go over there, or even just show up. I've relaxed so much. A lot of it is therapy. A lot of it is just my own self awareness.

I am moving to another apartment across the street from Sofienberg park in an older building with a seriously cosy feeling. I'll be living with two good friends of mine and I'll have a nice sized room I can decorate however I want to. It will be home. Very much home. I am allowed to have a cat in the apartment, so I'm going to be adopting a Savannah from Camilla for just the price of the neuter. It's a gift, and having that cat in my life will heal something huge inside of me. I am just trying to get through this week without stressing, because by this time next week I could be moved into my new place.

It's a surreal thing to think about considering I've been in such a toxic environment all this time. I'm only starting to be able to relax here after I knew I was getting another place to live that will be so great. I literally can not wait to be living with my new roommates. I hope to hell I don't regret saying this in the future, but they are just good people who seem really chill and easy to live with.

My back has been killing me lately, and I've been seeing a new physical therapist who is amazing and doing trigger point therapy and needlework to ease up the super tense muscles along my spine and hips. It is working very well, but when I work too much I tend to wake up in the morning stiff as a board and in too much pain to breathe. I've only started taking pain pills again today because I would not have survived the workday without them. I've been smoking a lot of weed though. I've been spending a little to much money lately, but I recently found a really good connection in the older sister of a friend of mine who gives me a nice price. It's what works. Sometimes, I admittedly smoke more than I need to smoke in order to relax a little extra, but not too often. Mostly I just do it when I feel the need to. Usually in the morning, in the middle of the day, and at night. I don't think I would have progressed this much psychologically without it.

Re-reading old entries inspires new ones.

I'm approaching a lot of anniversaries now. It's hard to believe a year has passed already in some ways, but in other ways it almost feels like I've always been living like this.

I read the entry from last year's Inferno Kickoff. I was so new then. I remember Paul took me completely under his wing and introduced me to everyone. That was the night I met Joakim and Dan, and a lot of the people who would turn into very good friends. It seemed surreal at the time, and in my entry about it, I called it a "really good weekend". Reading the description though it just reminds me of "random Saturday" now. Which I am assuming is a very good thing.

I get choked up when I try reading about the abuse. I'm still working on putting it behind me, but I'm doing better. No more panic attacks, ever. Fewer nightmares. I cried for the first time (that wasn't from laughter) last Sunday when I was having mood swings. It happens when it's near the end of my treatment (I am due for one tomorrow). Kenneth has very little experience in dealing with me when I am unwell, so he did what he knew from the past when I had bad migraines, and gave me space. I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted then, but I really appreciated the thought. Not sure if I wanted company then either. After re-logic-izing myself back into my head with the help of a dear friend via chat, Ken kind of pseudo-forced me out of the house to my work's (late) holiday party. I ended up having a really good time, I'm really fond of my colleagues, and I told Kenneth how much I appreciated his little push.

I'm not sure what's happening with my treatments. I'm meeting with the doctor tomorrow to discuss. The surgeons also apparently made an appointment with me but didn't let me know. I don't want surgery now. Not when this works. Yeah I'm weird for a week, but 9 good weeks out of ten is worth it.

I've been a little cranky because I'd been working so much and missing spending weekends with Ken. He's been going out and having fun and I've been up all night working my ass off, and we'd meet on the bus home in totally different moods. We do get our time together, then I un-crank. Living with someone and spending time with someone isn't the same thing. Last night was the same, he was kind of drunk, I was completely exhausted and wanting to sit down, and when we got off the bus, the weather was about one degree, so all the snow was slushy and fluffy, and we had ourselves a snowball fight. It was hilarious. Today we hung out at home, movie, ice cream, soda, and snacks. We really eat incredibly healthfully during the week, I home-make raw protein bars and force-feed lots of veg and lean meat, but we totally cheat on the weekends. It's ok.

I control-gained a little weight to help build muscle. Nothing severe, my clothes all still fit, but going to the gym at least 2 times a week plus my quick home workouts (squats, yoga), I'm starting to feel really good in my body. I'm starting to feel and look strong. I look forward to building more strength, Ken is coaching me.

I still need to post my what happened. It will be cathartic. But it's late, I'm tired and happy, and I have to get a massive needle stuck in my hip in the morning. I should go enjoy sleeping on my tummy for the last time in a week or two.

The answers...

By the way, that was:
Blood Red Throne, Portishead, Arcturus, Solefald, Tom Waits, Taake, Turisas, Porcupine Tree, Massive Attack, Sahg, Glittertind, Lumsk, Thyrfing, In the Woods..., Ajattara, Asmegin, a photo of what was originally Einstürzende Neubauten, Stolen Babies, Bak de Syv Fjell, and Carpathian Forest.

The ridiculous things I hear...

I used to do this when I was in high school... randomly sharing something I overheard in class... and a young lady in one of my courses as inspired me to share words of sheer brilliance again... ready...

Professor: "What are some red-light environmental hazards?"

Brilliant girl: "...uhm... something about recycling?!"

But wait theres more...

Professor: "What were factories during the industrial revolution powered by?"

Girl who was correct: "Water"

Brilliant girl: (enthusiastically) "Solar!!!"

The professor then nearly lost all hope in humanity then.
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