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Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

Time:11:33 pm.
hello livejournal

oh yeah shit time ey!?

roflmao
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Wednesday, April 30th, 2008

Subject:lj phishing
Time:1:21 pm.
someone's been trying to get into my lj account. i just received 2 emails for a username request and a password request which i definately did not ask for. it was someone who has my email address. so it's either someone i know or some phishing scam that obtained my email from fuck knows where and they're trying to break into my lj account for fuck knows what reason. either way they're fucking jerks!
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Thursday, December 6th, 2007

Time:6:33 pm.
i failed everything this semester at uni. way to go maci!

father get back from his holiday in a few days. i can see the next week sucking mojor balls!

i am scared, i am really fucking scared.

i am going to move out again. it's going to be hard and my father is going to go nuts but i have to. don't know where to yet. but i think the sooner the better, so ill prob end up in student housing or something.

stuff

food time
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Sunday, October 28th, 2007

Time:7:29 pm.
i am a ribina berry
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Saturday, October 27th, 2007

Subject:big long dream thing from last night.
Time:6:30 pm.
i haven't had a dream this detailed in a while. but lately i've been feeling like i need answers and hoping i'd have (and b able to remember) a dream that might help me out (yes, i've very big on dreams sometimes).

it's long
Read more...Collapse )
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Sunday, October 21st, 2007

Subject:me? cynical? wtf do u think!?
Time:7:14 am.
my shoes squeak. i think that means i need new ones. i have a bad habbit of wearing shoes till the break. lol

i haven't slept... because i worked last night.

i hate everyone. i left work in a fowl mood and it hasn't changed.

apparently today is going to b 33degrees or something. swimming sounds fun. sleep is probably more likely. i have no one to go swimming with.

did i mention i hate everyone? well that's not entirely true. but i hate most ppl right now. especailly boys! omg!

im totally doing my head in about everything! and i can't fucking stop thinking. my brains won't fucking turn off. to the point where i've started having nightmares again. mostly about my dad. clearly that whole thing got to me more then i thought.

oh and my dad's decided the bring up my wedding all the fucking time now too. WHAT FUCKING WEDDING!? I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!! but apparently it's happening in the next couple of years (no fucking way!). so somehow it lead to my mother telling me i MUST have something about god in it. OK WTF!? IM NOT FUCKING GETTING MARRIED AND IF I DO THE MENTION OF "GOD" WILL BE MY FUCKING CHOISE AND FUCK THEM IF THEY THINK THEY CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

so i was in the car on the way to work yesterday and thinking. i don't know why my dad is to eager for me to get married. appart from it being the right thing for a woman do to at my age or some bullshit. but no matter when happens he's going to hate every guy im ever with. unless their a doctor and jewish and in the cult, oh and they probably have to do charity work or somthing too. because there's soooo many of them walking around the streets these days yelling "marry me marry me!".... but yes anyway i was thinking about the whole thing and then thought, "i wonder what my parents would do if i told them im a lesbian". im not, just incase anyone was wondering, but what would happen? i don't think they'd know what to do. i think it would rock my dad's world to the point where he'd b in exteme denial. he my possibley try to "cure" me. or send me to see a rabbi. or disown me. i think the most likely pattern would b denial and then disowning me. but fuck it would b funny to test out. i have an uncle on my mother's side who is gay. my mother accepts it but it really seems like it's more that he's her brother and therefore she will love him anyway and not because she is ok with gays. i remember when she told me she was shocked that i took it so lightly and said something about how great it was that i could b so accepting of "that sort of thing". i know my mum would b upset at first but she'd end up deciding that she'll love me anyway. but my dad i'm not so sure about. could he get over it? i am so curious about this i'm almost temped to test it out. just to see my dad's fragile world where he is controller of all come toppling down.


ok yes i am rambling about trivial shit to keep from thinking about other things.

i am an idiot and i think i ran away to some kind of fantasy world for a while. but i know the world doesn't work like that and i need to end this fucking denial.
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Friday, October 12th, 2007

Subject:round 3? (yeah wooo crazy dad!)
Time:5:03 pm.
well. last night proved that my dad is not just taking it out on me. but i do make a good distraction.

came home from uni, decided to spend the night finishing my psych report.

got called for dinner by my bro. then about 2 mins later my mum calls down to me "mac get out here" and then my dad errupts in fucking SCREAMING at my youngest brother (who is 12). apparently he sent a rude sms to some girl from his school, i don't know what it said. my bro's been hanging out with a couple of loser kida for a while but my parents have never bothered to do anything about it dispite me trying to tell then that he's bad news.

apparenly the fighting had been going on for a while but i couldn't hear it from my room. well the only part i actually picked up from the screaming was my dad telling my bro to get down on his knees and beg my mother for forgiveness. to which my mother's jaw dropped and my sister and i both jump in and i both jump in to tell my dad to stop yelling at him. father starts yelling at me not to speak to him like that and storms off. i decide not to let him ruin my dinner and sit down at the table. while my sister goes back to her room. then he returns, grabs an open bottle of juice out of my hand and throws it accross the room and starts yelling again about how dare i interupt him and how dare i eat while he's talking blah blah then says if i don't like it i can leave. sister comes back and tells my brothers to get in her car, i run into my room to get my shoes. then decide that it's probably a really stupid idea and return to the table. dad starts yelling again. i (not yelling) try to tell my dad to stop yelling. which of course takes his attention off everyone else and back onto me. back with all this stuff about how im such a smart ass and how i have no respect for anyone and blah blah etc for about 20 mins, with me bearly saying anything the entire time. then i get fed up and say something about how im not as bad of a person as he's saying and then he starts shitting on about how im stupid and i haven't got a clue about anything. it goes on like that for a while and then he stoms off again. by this point my sister and two brothers are all in tears and my mum is doing her "tuning out" thing.

i sit back down at the table and calm everyone down and we begin to eat. then my dad comes back screaming some more. and says something like "ok mac, you tell me some of the things in this world which are completely unacceptable, something something sinful something something". i can see the rest of the family's getting really upset again so i ask my dad if we can talk about it in another room so everyone can eat. then he starts on about how he wants to say it infront of everyone so they too can see that i haven't got a clue about anything. i know where he's going with the question and pretty much anything i say he's going to throw back at me somehow or start on someone else in the family about. i try thinking of a way to answer and be able to avoid that but then my sister jumps in about how hitting your kids is unecusable and other stuff all aimed at him and storms off. then he starts on about how i don't know anything about anything. and then again about how im such a bad person and i've sat a bad example and my brother's going to grow up to be just like me, a fuck up, or something. again, family are in tears (not me). then he starts going on about how he has to send my brother to a private school to get him away from the guys he hangs out with now and how he doesn't have the money and how we're all going to have to suffer, which myself and my sister both tell him to stop trying to put that kind of shit on my little bro. and then my mum starts pleading with him to stop the drama and everyone's getting upset and eventually he tells my brothers they can leave. then he leaves.

i sit down again and talk to my mother and sister about it. my sister says she hates him and she's going to move out and never talk to any of us again and bring up stuff about our older brothers. i try to tell her that's not going to achieve anything. i can see my mum getting upset at the prospect of her actually doing that. my bro is 34 and my dad still tries to controle his life. and other stuff.

then my dad comes back again. i chuckle to myself with the thought of how there should b a ring girl walking past with a sign for round 3. you'd think he's b over it already. this is where i start to see how nuts my dad completely is. he begins by talking about how great a person my uncle, his brother, who is now dead, was. and he was a great person. he started a free legal advice service and faught the barr society or whatever they're called, for years. they threatened to stop him from being able to prectice law etc etc. and he also faught for legal rights for native australians and did a lot of stuff in native title cases and other stuff. then he ends it by telling me that i am really fucked up and how dare i try to say im a good person just because im going to uni. which i'd breifly mentioned about an hour b4 as an example of how i haven't completely disregarded everything he says and not to try to say im a good person because of it. i quite calmly point that out. then he starts on and on about all this religious stuff which he'd been illuding to the whole night. about how all the world is sinful and we all need to be begging for forgiveness everyday. my mum breaks in with something about how no one can do that and he couldn't do that and he doesn't need to make so much drama. then he starts SCREAMING about how dare anything interupt him and my sister says "you interupt us all the time" and he starts yelling some more about how he'd never interupt anyone which my mum and sister and i all look at eachother and say something like "you interupt everyone all the time, no one can ever get a word in" and then it becomes a "no i don't", "yes you do" thing. and that kind of illogical stuff continues where he starts denying all sorts of stuff and talking about extremely over the top relisious stuff. he was denying things which all of us knew were bullshit and that he'd done soooo many times that he couldn't possibley think we'd believe it. like hitting us, or insulting his ex wife infront of my older brothers. he then starts saying about how everyone hits their kids and all the high up religious ppl did (yeah ari, according to my dad, bapak, who said "hitting your kids is like hitting your grandfather", used to kick his kids.).

eventaully the "conversation" came back to my bro and the fact that all my dad's trying to say is that it's not over yet. which would b fine, yeah he needs to stop hanging out with such losers and he needs to know that insulting some girl on sms is not ok. but screaming at him won't teach him anything.

i tried a few times throught the night to offer to talk to my bro about it. i know what he needs to hear and i know how to talk to a 12 year old. i know how to talk to kids better then i know how to talk to adults. i am a kid! but after all that shit i don't know if anything could b said to save it. not yet. coz now he's just going to be angry and upset and not want to hear anything from anyone. kids need to learn things, not have it force fed to them. my sister and brothers are all extremely intellegent and intllegent ppl question things. they can't just accept something if someone says "this is what you must do".

im over it.

my dad's a loony.

the end.

ps. if anyone else feels the urge to say something like "move out", they can go fuck themselves! my family need me. im not going to abandon them. i know what that feels like. my brother left when i was 6 and i haven't seen him since. and now my other brother has extremely minimal contact with the family. i am currently the only one talking with him and that's only through emails. runing away is not the answer! FUCK YOU!
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Wednesday, October 10th, 2007

Subject:what the fuck do i do?
Time:9:34 pm.
now on top of all the other shit. my dad is blaming me for all the problems with the family.
now on top of all the other shit. my dad is blaming me for all the problems with the family.
my mother is sick. he says she's "completely crashed" and it's all my fault for treating her like shit (wtf?). and for stressing her out so much (what, because i've been trying to study all day?). but he refuses to believe that i study. i told him i've been trying to study and he starts going on about how he can't believe that after all he's said that i could look him in the eye and lie to him like that. ok, i spent half the time procrastinating and the other half studying. i'm a terrible horrible liar! no fucking shit i'm procrastinating! it's fucking hard to study when all i can think about is how much i don't want to be home because he's here!
he's the one filling her head with all these ideas about how much of a fuck up i am. like on monday when i decided to go into the uni library to study and he starts shitting on about "yeah well that's what you're saying, but who knows what you're really doing" infront of my mum. and he's the one who's been telling my mum for years that im on drugs (come on! anyone who knows anything about me knows i don't take drugs!) he's been saying it since i was 14. he is stressing her out by telling her how horrible i am all the time.
my little bro is a total show off and it's gotten him in trouble at school. this is also my fault, because i'm such a terrible person and he's acting like me (again, wtf?!). i've been saying for ages that he needs someone to say something to him. i've tried talking to him myself but my dad has made it very VERY clear that it's not my place to say/do anything.
next he'll tell me that my sister's pms is my fault too.
i don't know if i can take much more of this. i'm tring, really fucking trying. but im ready to throw everything in.
i've said that uni is the only thing really holding me up right now. knowing that i don't want to fail had been the reasoning for not fucking myself up completely. "there's just a few more weeks, just keep it together long enough to get through uni and then you can deal with the other shit. you've worked too hard to give up now." but i've let uni slip and now i don't know if i can get it back on track enough for exams. so now i'm ready to try for some stupid something something deferral which will mean i can just start over next year. i don't want to give up, i just don't know if i can do it right now.
im so fucking tired!
i can't handle my dad following me around giving me dirty looks, and then every now and then out of nowhere calling my over to tell me what i terrible person i am and how much i don't care about my family. he's a fucking delusional idiot. i know that. he's trying to break me and i know im stronger then this. but it's working.
i don't know what to do. i know i need to get out of here but i'm scared to leave. i have no where to go anyway. but i can't leave my sister and brothers to cop it all. he's already started trying to convince my entire family that im the problem. and that im a terrible terrible person. but i know if i leave he'll start to take his shit out on them. i can't do that to them.
i'm a fucking whimp.
the only way i can see getting through exams is submitting to him. begging for his forgiveness and asking what he wants me to do.
i scared to sleep.
i was about to go to bed when he started. but he got a phone call and i ran away to hie in my room. now im scared if i go to bed im going to wake up to him screaming at me some more.
i'm too upset to sleep anyway.
fuck what the fuck do i do?
do i give in?
i really really can't see any other way through exams. but that'll probably drive me just as crazy. but it's only for a few weeks right? i can play his stupid game for a few weeks right? i can act can't i?
it'll make it worse in the long run, but maybe by then i can avoid it better. or something. ffs! this is so stupid!
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Friday, October 5th, 2007

Subject:rant about my dad being a crazy person
Time:10:00 am.
this is really long

i'm such a whingerCollapse )
i can see the next few weeks are going to suck.

just in time for exams too! GREAT!

ARRGH!!!!
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Friday, September 28th, 2007

Time:4:17 am.
sweet faithful lj! you won't b down for routine maintanence when i want to write something! will you? of course u won't! *strokes*

denial = bad
not getting over things = bad
not sleeping = makes everything worse
booze = good

YAY BOOZE!!
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Sunday, September 23rd, 2007

Subject:it's sunday evening and maci is going insane
Time:5:48 pm.
my mind is racing. i can't avoid these thoughts. i think it has snuck up on me again. that thing that is always lurking in the background. i don't know if i'm completely mad. it's either time to give in and discover what's really happening. or to admit insanity and get some help. i've been trying to blow this off as my crazy mind for years. but every now and then it comes back. and this time, it may not just be me? i thought there was something. now im almost certain. but maybe it's something else entirely. or maybe im mad. it's all coming together slowly. or i'm about to flip out completely. and it scares me, a lot. i think maybe someone may have fucked with something and that's where my head's been the past few week, totaly fucking with. if that's the case then this is a whole new level of uncool and im really fucking angry. or maybe it's a good thing. man my brain is going to implode. so i might have to drink at work tonight, just to get this shit out of my head. i want to hide. i want to shut it out again. i hate it. it scares me. and if you don't believe it, it isn't real, right? but i love it. i want to discover more. i don't know. man, i really don't know.

what the hell is going on?
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Saturday, September 22nd, 2007

Subject:hrmm
Time:3:29 am.
why are things so stupid

















why is my laptop going so fucking slowly
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Sunday, September 16th, 2007

Subject:rejection...
Time:4:52 pm.
Mood: crushed.
sucks!

i don't think i've ever asked a guy out b4. i think i just found out why.

that totally hurt.

but i guess that's what i get for hesitating. or putting my neck on the line. i'm not sure which right now.

man, i feel like shit.
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Tuesday, September 4th, 2007

Subject:conclusion
Time:10:38 pm.
it's time to stop waiting for things in my life to make sense and embrace the constant state of confusion.


ps. hi sarah i'm still here, and probably always will b, coz i'm a loser like that. hahaha

pps. boy are just plane weird!
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Monday, August 27th, 2007

Subject:AHHH!!!
Time:8:03 pm.
OMG! I think i'm having MASSIVE sugar withdrawals!
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Saturday, August 25th, 2007

Subject:hrmm
Time:12:47 am.
I think I've changed.. a lot
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Sunday, July 29th, 2007

Time:2:22 pm.
I was too comfortable. it was too easy. now, for reasons completely out of anyone's control, it has been taken away. i hate it. but i know i needed it.

this sucks! But I know it's right. Sadly, I will admit it.

Don't you just hate that!?.... I sure do.
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Wednesday, July 25th, 2007

Time:5:36 pm.
After all this time i still feel like something is missing.

My heart and head do not communicate with eachother. actually i think they argue and i forget which is which. what do i think? what do i feel?

I have always been very intuitive. And i find myself being pushed in certain directions by the universe if i don't listen to myself.

But this one, i just don't know.

I feel like i am being torn into too many different directions by my own mind.

i don't now what's real.

is it love? is it lonelyness? is it hate? is it sadness? am i sick? is it laziness? is it boredom? WTF?!

now im angry. fuck u all
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Monday, July 23rd, 2007

Time:1:43 pm.
the dream says: NO!!!!!
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Sunday, July 22nd, 2007

Time:8:36 am.
i'm over frankston. i hated it before and i hate it more now. i feel so isolated.

i feel like everything i do i have my dad breathing down my back.

even when i go out my parents demand to know where im going and when im going to be home.

i don't know how much longer i can take this shit.

i've been spending faaaaaaaaaar too much money on petrol driving to the city.

but i can't afford to move. i am broke and i haven't been working much. and the wonderful $200 a fortnight from centrelink is not going to cover rent.

i hate it because i know i could do it. but i really don't want to live alone and i have no one to move with.
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LiveJournal for Maci.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.