|Friday, November 12th, 2004|
Once again, I'm doing the every other day thing. I had so meant to come home from work yesterday, chain myself to the computer, do another post, then watch my training DVDs and learn InDesign like a good girl. Instead, I fell asleep watching true crime drama whilst wrapped in a blanket in my big round papasan chair. Bad bad me. At work, I will be getting four new G5 Macs in about a week or so. This is mightily cool except for the fact that I will not be getting Quark Xpress, I'm getting InDesign which I don't exactly know how to use properly yet. I publish four newspapers every Friday, so this should be interesting. (and when I say "I", I mean almost exactly that - I have exactly one employee, and even though he knows InDesign a little better than I do, he's not been there that long and does not know most of the book building things that I do....) Ah well, I will either pull through or I will burn the building down. Either way, I'll be happy.|
I'm getting sleepy again and I've just begun. Not a good sign. I wasn't sure where to take this thread today. I'm sitting here listing to a weird mix of Marilyn Manson, Korn, System of a Down, Rob Zombie and Everclear of all things. Reminds me of Sesame Street when I was a kid, (dunno if you Brits know it - kids program with Muppets) when they sang, "One of these things is not like the other - one of these things just doesn't belong..." Bit like me really. I'm just not so easy to spot.
Oh! I this past Halloween, I dressed up for work as they were having a contest. And I won second prize. $25. Yay me. My boss won first though I didn't think he should have been eligible. Worse yet, the judging was done by vote & he admitted to voting for himself! How smarmy is that? His costume was pretty good though, I must admit. He was a 'blue man group' guy. Again, dunno if the Brits will know that. It's a play here where guys dress all in black and their shaved heads are painted blue. They do odd things and it's all pantomime. It's supposed to be rather amazing though I've not yet seen it. Anyhoo, I was a gothy vampire. My co-worker/only employee Stewart said I was 'everything a vampire should be'. High praise indeed - though he's never met my friend Vampgirl. Then he said, "you know that movie with Brad Pitt and ...?" Lord, do I ever! Even higher praise. Needless to say, I felt pretty cool. Funny thing, the contest was judged right after I walked in the door, (late - as usual) and then everybody changed out of their costumes. I hadn't thought that far ahead. So I was the only person to remain in costume all day.
Unfortunately, I don't have pictures, I'll have to put it all back on sometime and take some.
- Long, tight black skirt with a slit all the way up each side - allll the way up
- Black lace piratey shirt with the poofy sleeves & tied in the front
- Black see-through mesh type shirt beneath that
- Knee-high black suede boots
- Silver semi-fakey vampire medallion
- Three silver hoops in each ear of graduating size, large to small
- Fat silver Egyptian style bracelet on one wrist and a thin delicate silver bracelet on the other
- Dark plumb nail polish and lipstick with black eyeliner as lipliner
- Several layers of very pale - but not white - foundation
- Black eyeliner & mascara
- purple and white eye shadow
*** Real-looking vampire teethies that stick to my teeth with putty (big fan of those)
Sounds a bit cliche' really, but it looked quite good. I trick-or-treated in it, (for beer) and also went out to a club where I was hit on by two women. First time ever for that. One was one of the singers in the band that was playing, (which my step-father happened to be in - bit awkward really). She was dressed in knee-high black boots, short black shorts, black bra, black feathered wings and a black feathered mask. Quite cool. Apparently she was not so hot without the mask, but luckily I didn't see. The other girl was another vampire wannabe from the crowd. We were being judged for the pub's costume contest and she kept putting her arm around me and pulling me close. Later, she was trying to dance up to me on the dance floor. I played along with it all just enough to seem like a good sport, but not enough to let anyone watching, (step-dad, husband, uncle... the list goes on....) think I was enjoying it as much as I was.
I should be off to bed. I'll try to post tomorrow, but since I'm late for everything, it'll likely be the day after....
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|Tuesday, November 9th, 2004|
So it's not tomorrow, it's the day after, but I'll continue where I left off. So I met these friends in my little 'Barbie world'. I met the girl and then found myself with the boy more and more often. The boy was very like the girl actually. He said at one point that the were nearly the same person. It's entirely probable. They had been together longer than I had been married. Anytime anyone spends a large amount of time with anyone, they pick up their habits. I do not think I had mentioned that I was in a difficult period of my marriage when I met these two and the impact they truly had on me.|
I married a man eight years my senior. It should not make a difference and yet, at some point, it did. He decided, after he was 34, I believe, that he was old. And behaved accordingly. He also decided, that I was something to be kept under control. So, I, raised a free-spirit, was put under his thumb. I could not go out. I did not have many friends. Or any friends, I should say. Most other 'soccer mom's' were his age and did not appeal to me. One occasion when we went out and there was karaoke, I sang. His friend was dumbfounded that I could sing well and congratulated me over and over saying that he never would have known... etc... etc... I got the crowd singing with me. The DJ had comments about the little girl with the big voice. My husband said nothing. While I was up there, I saw him shake his head like he didn't know what to do with me. I am wild. He is not. That's what it boils down to.
So anyway, I got into Cybertown at the point when I was not allowed to go anywhere or do anything. I worked nights, three nights a week actually, for a mediocre publishing company. I worked five until midnight. I lived an hour away from work. I loved being on the opposite side of the coin from the rest of the world. I am nocturnal by nature as it is. I'm not like they are. I wasn't raised to be.
While I was at work, if I stayed late to help out, I did not call home as it was late and I did not want to wake him. Yet, if I was to be off at midnight and one o'clock rolled around and I was not home yet, the work phone would ring at 1:05. Where was I? This was the way of things.
So I submerged myself in nocturnal online persuits. I made a particular set of friends that I trusted. I made other friends besides, but I only gave out my real name to one. I spoke to them daily. Eventually, only 'him' daily.
And he was.... intelligent, poetic, and sensitive. He was bi-sexual, that was how I explained things away to my husband. Like any good blue-collar football-watching worker, he's extremely homophobic. If I said i was talking to the fag, I was ok. Even still, deep as it was, it was still not an affair against my girl-friend. I always expected her to receive a full report of our conversations. He said they shared everything. At one point, she had awoken during our conversation and stepped in for a moment before going back to bed. He said she had looked so lovely, half dressed, that he had pictured the two of us together... So, thereafter, I had struggled with that image. I probably had always thought of beautiful women in such a way and had suppressed it for a myriad of reasons. Yet now I couldn't escape it.
As a Pisces, I am romantic, (and shy) by nature. I fell in love with this couple. I had romantic thoughts of meeting them in real life and we would be the best of friends. I knew I would not meet them in this life, but entertained thoughts I may meet them on a cloud somewhere. Had I not made the choices I did...
I knew little of the emotional and health problems he had. And still don't. He alluded to them sometimes and then took it back later. Apparently, their relationship was falling apart during our conversations and he never said a word. He wanted me to think everything was ok. It's rather what I would do, I suppose. I'm amazed he's not a pisces.
I think this is a good time to close for tonight. This is pretty much the end of this thread. I can't convey the emotion of it all. Perhaps I should start in a different place tomorrow.
So, that's how that all went. It doesn't even begin to cover it, but it'll do I suppose. It's where I went when I was sad. I'm such a wus.
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|Sunday, November 7th, 2004|
10:55 pm - My first time...
I have pondered on how I would begin this. I must admit that I finished the logging on aspect of it and I've not reached a solution. Here I am, at the moment of truth and I cannot for the life of me, remember an iota of what it was that I had wanted to say to begin with.|
I suppose I will start with the fact that I've not done very much online in quite awhile, aside from the horrid forwarding joke emails from friends and co-workers. Though I used to be overly involved in an online community - Cybertown. I had to stop when it became a pay-site. My husband would have never sanctioned paying even five dollars a month to playing 'Barbies' online. And basically, that's what I was doing. That's what I liked about it; building houses, buying furnishings, designing avatars.
So, it was Sims, with an added bonus: making friends all over the world. The very first 'friend' I made there actually remained the only real friend there. I don't fare well in chatrooms. My sarcastic sense of humor does not translate well into print. I actually wind up sounding rude. Something is lost when the facial expression and tone are not present. Regardless of this, I found a very nice Goth girl to befrend me. hehe. She gave me a 'job' there and eventually I had five different persona's, some employed, others employers. I owned shops and had a genuinely good time. During this time, I came to know my gothy friend pretty well. She was quite involved in the little psuedo community and showed me the ropes. We had a five hour time difference between our worlds, sometimes six with daylight savings time. Eventually, I came to be talking to her live-in boyfriend. He had been logged on under her name and introduced himself one night. She had gone to bed as it was incredibly late and he was doing her chores, so to speak. It eventually became a habit for he and I chat and she was sleeping. It rather sounds like an affair, but I was always under the impression that she got a full report of the conversation.
It's strange. Though I had never met them, I felt I knew these people well and when chatting, I often pictured us sitting around on sofas in a flat eating snacks. I felt as though if I were to see them face to face that we'd get along very well and have quite a good time. Anybody reading this will be pretty familiar with that feeling or idea I would guess.
I'm getting sleepy. I started this too late. I'll elaborate on my lovely friends tomorrow, but for now I'll say that my gothy-girl friend has now drawn me into this world. For a while now, I've lived vicariously through her by reading her journal. It's finally time to throw in my own voice. Not that anyone would want to read it. I may be too timid to admit to what I actually do. We'll see about all that. Tomorrow's another day....
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