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Sunday, March 19th, 2006
7:55 pm
alskdfjlkasdfjalfjlkasdjfklasdjf


click that dummy

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12:34 pm
i got a new journal. this one is played out.

i'll probably only add like less than half of you to the new one.

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Saturday, February 25th, 2006
5:39 pm
wow, last night was so dumb and boring. the most retarded friday i've had in long while. everyone i wanted to call me, though, did call me... but still. kenzie ended up going to some guys house and ditching us, i was supposed to go to this fucking BANGING party. like 200 people a keg and yeah i really definitely wanted to go especially because i've been talking to the person throwing it, spencer, lately and he wanted me to show! well we didnt end up going and i was PISSED so i just went to bed.

woke up this morning... 3 missed calls, 2 from brendan on a weird california number and 1 from rj at 4am. the weird number probably means that his phone broke or he lost it which he rules at doing, by the way... so yeah. kind of relieving though because i thought he was pissed off or something and ignoring me. anyway rj, yeah he definitely was in omaha last night at least he said he was so 4 is an acceptable time for him to call. i mean for rj, it is. i've been debating whether i can get him in my room without my dad waking up and without him hearing rj's deep ass voice. i dont really think it's probable and how shitty would it be if i got caught? umm yeah. i can sneak out but sneaking boys in could be difficult.

ew now that i think of it this whole weekend has been ridiculous. all day today i didnt do anything and that's saying a lot, because i kind of thought i would be and i woke up at 9:30. that's pretty shitty.

dozz's new girlfriend wants to beat me up, which i think is pretty funny because i could hurt her feelings 20x more than she could ever hurt me physically by just telling her she is ugly. but i wouldn't do that, and i hope she does try and hit me or something so i can laugh at her and tell dozz to keep his bitch under control. yeah it's dramatic. yeah i go to highschool with people like that. yeah i hate it. which is probably why i'm going to go to arts next year... sounds like a good idea to me and i know people that go there and defintely like them a lot more than anyone at southeast but i'm way too pussy to transfer so arts should be a good deal.

i'm so bored and it's ridiculous. i want to hang out with a boy so bad, i'm craving physical attention like no other.

justin left me a message last night that said "girl i'm ashy as hell where the fuck is my coco butter" he is a weirdo so watch out. a sexy weirdo at that, but i dont really think he's interested in me anymore. which is okay because i kind of feel inferior to him or like that i dont deserve him just cus he's so hot. not to mention he's kind of an ass hole and not really a normal boy. by normal boy i mean he doesn't go to parties or like really do anything with girls. plus he's super family oriented and rumor has it that his mom thinks i'm a big slut because she found out we took a shower together. WOW. HIGH SCHOOL IS SO DRAMATIC. sorry but i dont think the mothers of boys who have seen me naked need to know about any of that, or even care about it. that's a little fucking weird.

i dont even know what to do with myself.

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Saturday, January 28th, 2006
11:03 am
i'll just start from the beginning i guess.

um. school is gay, basically. i got in trouble for skipping 2 classes and so i was grounded this whole week. it wasn't that big of a deal really though because i always end up laying around on the weekdays anyway, but yeah. umm Rj didn't call me after we spoke until a few days. he called me early though, which is unlike him, and asked me what time I wanted to hang out. so i said 12 but i ended up falling asleep before that, and he tried to come over but i didnt answer my phone. i woke up at like 2:30 and was super confused, all the lights were on and so i called him back and he was all it's okay baby it's okay i don't mind. i was kind of upset though because i didn't get to hang out with him and i guess he's decided to step it up a notch because he said, "Well call me when you get out of school tomorrow and I'll come over for a little bit." WOAH!!!!!!!! RJ!!!!!!!!!!!! i was like ARE YOU SURE? because that was one of the things we talked about the other night, that he was probably going to call me at night mostly.. just because our lives don't really fit together and aslkdfjaslkdfjl i don't know. well i ended up calling him after school and we didnt hang out but he talked to me and told me where he was and who he was with and WOW i don't know it was just really weird because he's usually "not at his house" and with "friends..." but he told me he was with jon and they were at the mall and what he was doing tonight and shit.
I DONT KNOW. this sounds incredibly ridiculous, but it matters just because it's him.
anyway... last night ended up being really fun. i went to rudy's, so many retards showed up and drank all of our alchohol which was gay but by that point i was alreayd really drunk and didn't care. i was taking shots and playing the game where if you say the boy you're thinking about's name then you have to take a shot. WELL i ended up taking quite a few and too many bitch beers. ew. and the only people that showed up were stupid cheerleaders that were like, "OMG i'm so drunk because i had 2 smirnoff ice's!!!!!" umm go to hell.

the worst part of the night was, by far, when dozz showed up by himself with SHELBY. the girl that i had to compete with when we were together. apparently as soon as we broke up he went straight for her i guess. she's really unattractive and that's unfortunate. cory dan and weasel and charlie are so nice to us and always offer to kick anyone we don't like out.

i was being really rude. to all of them. i was with all my girls nad we were being loud and obnoxious because we could be, dozz came up and makes a smart ass remark like "HEY LETS SEE HOW LOUD WE CAN ALL BE" which i retorted, "HEY LETS SEE HOW DRUNK WE CAN ACT AFTER ONLY ONE DRINK!!!!" which shut him up, at which point he went into the basement with shelby.

grosssssssssss.

i don't know. rj called last night but i passed out. we drove home drunk as hell and then decided it would be a good idea to ask my dad if we could take his car to get food because kenzies was acting up. it was a pretty stupid idea, considering we definitely almost hit someone on O street and uhhh it was really scary. but jamming out to nasty rap songs is always fun.

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Monday, December 19th, 2005
9:57 pm
i finally talked to rj. thursday night i ended up just calling him, to tell him that i wanted to talk to him and stuff.. he didn't answer and i went to bed. he called me back at 4am that night asking me to please come talk to him in his car. i said no because it was too late and my mom would be waking up in like a half an hour... he just started apologizing a ton, and when i asked what for all he said was "i'm sorry for waking you up at 4:30.. i'm sorry you have to wake up in an hour.. i'm sorry that i haven't answered your phone calls lately." and i told him it was okay not to worry about it.. then he started rambling about how it's illegal again, and asking me what i thought and stuff. obviously i really don't know what to think, so i guess i'm the wrong person to ask... but he was really worried about it, or seemed so. THEN he said "i want to see you so bad, are you sure?" and i don't know if anyone understands how hard it is for me to restrain!!! even if my mom found out or caught me, like it's STILL hard to be like yes i'm sure!!!! when i just wanna be like well i'm awake so i'll just walk outside right now... regardless of how much trouble i'd get into and stuff even! anyway. i ended up not seeing him or talking to him until saturday night. i called him at 1 and he called me back (we kind of have a habit of playing phone tag) and he said he was a little fired up because nate foreman, some hard ass i guess, "cold cocked" one of his buddies. he was talking to me about it a lot and telling me the scenario, and i'm not gonna lie i felt important almost and he was asking me what i thought he should do. im not one to encourage rj not to get in fights, because i know he will win. he's quite the bad ass, but any other boy i'd definitely say no to the fighting. but of course i told him to beat some ass. i don't know, the point is i talked to him a lot and he kept calling me all night to make sure i stayed awake until 2 when he had said he was going to come get me. when 2:30 came he called me and asked if he could stop by and i said i was at my dads.. then he got all disappointed and said "WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL call me when you're back at your house on j street." it was such a disappointment and when i started to be like "ugh well... uh i stayed up this late and now --??" and bitching at him he cut me off and used the whole IS THAT OKAY BABY? thing.. in a very stern voice, which kind of pisses me off because it's almost like he's mocking me, being like "you know you can't bitch and talk to me like that and you're damn right it's okay." which sucks that he's like that, but there have been instances where i would be drunk or flipping out and he'd say "PAIGE YOU KNOW YOU CAN NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THIS."

weird to think about him being like that, but sometimes he is even as much as he is a sweet talker.

i don't know, it was really good to talk to him though and so good that i'm almost afraid of what's gonna happen when i actually SEE him again.

i guess i started falling but now i just got used to it. i caught myself, more or less.. and this time i think i've really got this all straightened out. i realize that for a him & i to even EXIST, i've got to be able to feed every emotion that involves love to someone else. giving him my love is probably the worst thing i could do right now becuase he really doesn't love me back. and though i may love him i'd never ever admit to that no matter how logical it is. i'd sooner admit to loving him than i would dozz, which is in a sense depressing for me. but what can i do about it? that's what sucks is that the main thing me and dozz lack is any form of passion or want. which is actually kind of important to me but i feel like i'm just going absolutely nowhere, to be honest.

i'm trying to control things so much when i don't at all, and all of this is probably for the most part inevitable anyway. its much too hard for me to have a person in my own brain and heart for so long without feeling as close to him as i do. i'm always going to want it and i do. he's always going to be my favorite, probably that is until i find someone else better.. and dozz is not better which really doesn't help. at all. (everything good needs replacing) but it's whatever. rj is my perfect lover, and everything that i could ever normally want. i have learned a lot from him but that was probably the most important thing -- just showing me a perfect example of perfection. but in the end i just thank him for taking me, and i thank myself 100 times more for letting him have me. i have no regrets regarding you and i.

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Sunday, December 11th, 2005
11:04 pm
UGHHHHH. what a pointless weekend. but a weekend, nonetheless.

actually now that i think about it, it wasn't pointless -- friday night i had fun. went over to corys with jenna and anna and i got really drunk for some reason... hm. i was happy and hugging everyone and kissing everyone and i was in such a good mood and then i ended up in corys room with seth watching some tv show on satellite and i was like "i'm gonna puke" and so i went upstairs and just puked. if i ever let myself drink vodka again i'll jump off a cliff... which is such a lie because i know i'll be drinking it again but oh well. it's weird how you know when you're gonna puke but i always do even if i'm wasted into oblivion. anyway, after that i was like wow i need to get the FUCK out of here and i just wanted to go home and lay down with someone (which is normally how i feel after i throw up from drinking) so me and anna went home with rabel... and went to my house and jenna met up with us later because she was having sex with dan. who would have known? now they are an item and it's weird because jenna doesn't really have boyfriends but still i'm happy for her. sooo the girls and me went home and smoked a bunch and i felt better after that. earlier in the night i'd called rj, and he just said well shit let me call you in a couple minutes which is what he usually says... so i waited for a while, and as i was about to pass out my phone rang, and it was his ring and so i knew it was him. for a moment i had to stop, though, and say hold on what? wait a second is it really him? which is also usually how i respond when i hear his ring... it flusters me. he just said "well you should call me tomorrow night because i'm at mcdonalds." and i asked why, he said "because it iS illegal." and i said what's illegal? and he said "you and i." and i said... "it's going to be illegal tomorrow night too." and he said "yeah but at least we won't have witnesses." because i guess he was with a bunch of his boyfriends, and i was with my girlfriends. what a fucking douche bag. after that i want to ask him so many things, like what is wrong with you? do you have some kind of split personality disorder, or are you just extremely bipolar because last time i saw you and I brought that up, you said "do you really think i care about that?" and mentioned two reasons why you actually don't. or even just ask him myself, TO LEAD ME ON A LITTLE BIT MORE PLEASE. but really.. WHAT WOULD BE THE FUCKING POINT? i don't know why i care so much. it's just the little bit of me that escapes through the guard i put up and i can't help but care. he doesn't care so why should i? i hadn't talked to him in a couple weeks, haven't seen him since... even longer. i don't know though, to be honest, i didn't really have any desire. after the last time i saw him (which was kind of... memorable, i mean) i really started spending more time with dozz because his grades are so shitty he can't play basketball, but the more time i spend with dozz the more i realize i'm so fucking insecure and it's sooooo ridiculous! why should i be this insecure!? i shouldn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god damn it.

basically i'm saying, if i'm being asked to choose, then i'm not really interested in either of them. but no ones asking me to choose because no one really knows how split i am. im just sitting here, waiting for something to change or happen because i'm too scared to do it myself. i'm too scared that if i make things clear to myself, i'm going to realize it was a huge mistake. but rj and me... i don't know. we're practically done. notice, also, that the second that i say that to myself i'm clued in suddenly that we're NOT done. basically i just need to tell dozz that i want him in my bed, that's all. i'm so excited for break it's not even funny. SAY HELL YES TO NO BASKETBALL OVER CHRISTMAS, cos i am.

fuck.

most the snow melted and i'm kinda happy about it, i'm not gonna lie.. today i bought new jeans from ae and a new candle and some new make up at target. good. me and kenz bonded cos we usually do on sundays. i fund a bunch of weed in my freezer, so that was fun. we definitely took some of it. i changed my sheets on my bed and it's pretty dank. i hate dirty sheets, ewww.

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Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
11:51 am
Homecoming was Friday. I had so much fun dancing and singing. Right after we got in they started breathalizing people but not us!!! Julian Doz and Matthew came and we made them dirty dance with us since theyre all cute boys and everyone was jealous cos they are just plain studs. Us girls got reall hot and so we left at 11, IAN WON HOMECOMING KING!!!!! Highlight of the night was probly seeing Andrew Roses drunk ass jump on the stage and start dancin, then jump down and we all crowded around all of our senior boys! We got down with Mallory and Alexa for a while... Matthew drove us to get Doz's car and me Doz Julian and Jenna went to annas to get directions to this party so we went but it was getting all broken up and people were scattering everywhere so we drove to Doz and Nicks. Apparently everyone and their mom were there but Doz, Me, Jenna, Anna, Matthew, Faith, and Julian sat in Doz's room and we all smoked (except julian) with the lights off and looked out this big window the sky was soo clear and so beautiful and wow, nicks house is in the country and we could see all the lights from the city off the edge of a hill. It was amazing. then we took the gator down to the out building by nicks, and i kept looking up and everything was so open and bright just because of how many stars there were. we got there everyone was down there drinking and i smelled weed. we searched that shit out and stole like 2 blunts from these retarded girls. Me and the girls were the only ones still in our dresses and everybody was jealous cos we were with all the mysterious studs that dont talk to any girls except us. Psh hahahaa Everyone was fucked up and retarded so we drove the gator back up to the house. Passed out in doz's bed... with doz... :x. oops. woke up at 3, ate some popsicles and pizza with everyone and doz drove us back to faiths in the wee hours of morning. Woke up the next morning hung over to shit. Ummm went home, my mom hooked me up me and her took some extreme bong rips. i ate. showered. blah blah blah kenzie came over for a bit and my mom left so we just hung out and smoked some more pot. Hutchie and Faith walked over, Sam got us a fat ass sack, smoked a blunt with him and jake... we stayed here and then kyle and his friend jon came over. it was fucking weird and akward and i was really high i dont even remember it really but i remember kissing him goodbye on my front porch and it feeling reallllllllly out of place. hes back for good now (ooo oooooo my boyfriends back) but all i wanted to do last night was hang out with Julian and Matthew and Doz. Everyone left and me and Jenna passed out cos we were too stoned. Today i might hang out with Kyle but i might not i guess. I just couldn't tell you. I had a really good weekend though. I'll post pictures a little later.

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Friday, August 19th, 2005
3:49 pm

me and my boo. excuse the way i look.

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Thursday, August 18th, 2005
4:35 am
i feel really alone.

I NEED ANYTHING AND YOU, YOU'RE EVERYTHING.

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Monday, February 7th, 2005
6:47 pm
BUT I'D RATHER BE WORKING FOR A PAYCHECK THAN WAITING TO WIN THE LOTTERY.

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Thursday, October 28th, 2004
12:47 pm
COOL

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Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
1:52 pm
john kerry is a hip dude.

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Saturday, September 11th, 2004
4:28 am
tonight was just perfect

the game was even fun, even though we lost AGAIN. it was horrible, but i had a lot of fun just hanging out with everybody.
finally when we got home brendan called and told us to meet him at woods and i was basically peeing my pants. i did not know what to do with myself i was just so anxious. when i saw him i ran to him and he threw his skateboard down and we hugged for a long time. we walked around, me anna and jenna and him, and saw dan and dillon and jason... so they talked. i never let go of brendan once all night, i didn't want to. he is just so amazing. wow. we went on the trampoline alone after dan jason and dillon left and he just held me and kissed me and told me all the nice things that i would never imagine a boy would say to me. everything he said was just right. we kissed so much, and he would just hold my face and kiss me over and over and over and my cheek and nose and eyes and neck. i couldn't stop smiling.
i am so happy so happy so happy; but incredibly tired. it truly is so nice to have someone to love like him and have him to love me back. he is perfect.

i can't wait for tomorrow.

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Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
9:39 pm
so here's to the passing of all that could be between you and me.

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Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
5:06 pm


hello, i'm neurotic, creating problems that don't exist. don't believe me when i say it's alright.
let's go to my apartment, we'll pull the sheets up over our heads and forget all the reasons to go outside.
beats pulse, they're automatic. locked inside my apartment making confessions with the televisioin on.
i'm fine.


i want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more no less. ask me anything you want.
then, i want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

current mood: bored

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Sunday, December 7th, 2003
6:54 pm
this might be getting trendy, but who cares.
post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. anything. a story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything. be sure to post anonymously and honestly.

current mood: bored

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Saturday, July 12th, 2003
2:02 am - whats the point if it dissolves in water!
friends only.
comment and i'll add you.
kthnxbye :D

current mood: good

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