alloy_ (alloy_) wrote,

I have been accused of too much brevity, and not enough magic in my fics.

I've therefore taken the offending story (One Word) and added Cliff notes.
Harrysmom found it amusing.

You may too, or you may go "meh" and ignore everything below the cut (Just like Joe will) :-p
One Word. 
The title.
Usually placed at the beginning of the story, it can be placed at the end, or occasionally after a prologue.

By alloy
(includes text taken from chapter of Deathly Hallows Chapter 23 - Malfoy Manor)

A small author’s note in parenthesis specifically to place this missing moment in the context of Deathly Hallows. 

Malfoy Manor.
A location

She thinks too much.
A person marker, not absolute, but hinting that the POV is Hermione.

She's wondering where they're taking Harry & Ron , curious as to Bellatrix's obsession with the sword, pondering a way out of this dilemma…
Confirming Hermione POV and placing the time as the beginning of the torture sequence.
Taken as a whole paragraph serves to convey that Hermione’s head is buzzing, full of thoughts. 

This is the first instance of magic in the fic.
The pain curse is unheralded, Bellatrix effectively blindsided her.

No thoughts, just pain, just screaming.
A stark contrast to above, the screaming is also what Harry heard from his POV.

"HERMIONE!" (Ron bellowed, and he started to writhe and struggle)
She hears Ron’s Yell. Harry’s POV (Ron’s his physical actions as per JKR)
This is the second instance of magic in the fic (but the reader doesn’t know it yet)

Release, and curiosity.
A release from the all encompassing pain, and naturally a curiosity regarding that state (Hermione’s POV)

Crazed cursing.
The cursing is not specific because Hermione is not paying attention, she’s curious, a very powerful emotion in Hermione.

The third instance of magic in the fic.

And screaming.
“Only screaming” because once again the curse has driven all thought from her mind.

She hears Ron’s Yell, fourth instance of magic in the fic

Release, and wonder
Release (from pain) and wonder (at how it is being achieved)

"…Where did you get this sword? Where?"
Heard by Hermione, over heard by Harry in DH

"We found it."


Fifth instance of magic in the fic

A red haze.
The potency of the spell practically blinds Hermione.

Sixth and seventh instances of magic in the fic, if you don’t know what Ron’s doing by now, you’re really really dumb.

"You're lying, filthy Mudblood, and I know it! You have been inside my vault at Gringotts! Tell the truth, tell the truth!"
Heard by Hermione, over heard by Harry in DH

Another terrible scream. Which she curiously recognises as her own.
Hermione doesn’t actually hear the curse this time, only her body’s response. (Eighth instance of magic)

"HERMIONE!" (Ron struggled harder than ever)
Ninth instance of magic and a brief Harry’s POV to indicate Ron is possibly suffering.

"What else did you take? What else have you got? Tel me the truth or, I swear, I shall run you through with this knife!"
Heard by Hermione, over heard by Harry in DH

Tenth instance of magic in this fic

"What else did you take, what else? ANSWER ME! CRUCIO!"
Heard by Hermione, over heard by Harry in DH, eleventh instance of magic in this fic.

(Hermione's screams echoed off the walls upstairs, Ron was half sobbing as he pounded the walls with his fists)
Harry’s POV, Ron suffering.

Hermione felt the release without hearing his voice. He must have whispered it.
Twelfth instance of magic. Ron whispering her name.

Thirteenth instance of magic in this fic

"How did you get into my vault? Did that dirty little goblin in the cellar help you?"
Heard by Hermione, over heard by Harry in DH

"We only met him tonight!" she sobbed. "We've never been inside your vault. . . . It isn't the real sword! It's a copy, just a copy!"
Spoken by Hermione as overheard by Harry

Fourteenth instance of magic in this fic

No release came this time.
Ron doesn’t scream her name because he’s busy escaping.

Fifteenth instance of magic in this fic

No screaming of her name.
Ron doesn’t scream her name because he’s still busy escaping.

Sixteenth instance of magic in this fic

Darkness claimed Hermione even as she wondered what Ron and Harry were up to.
Hermione knows Ron wouldn’t abandon her without reason, and she’s unconscious when Ron and Harry emerge from the Dungeon.

She remembered burying Dobby, remembered standing there with Ron's arms around her, remembered feeling his arms twitch, his muscles spasm from the curses she had received.
Hermione’s present for the burying of Dobby, and obviously Harry can’t see what she can feel. If you haven’t figured out what Ron was doing now then you are a ginormous idiot.

"Ron" she had murmured over and over again, trying to take some of his sacrifice back.
Hermione attempts to emulate Ron’s spell (Figured out what it was yet?)(Not an instance of magic)

Sydney, Australia.
A location in the world.

They should, Hermione supposed, feel guilty. They should, that is Ron and herself, be trying to think of ways to locate her parents.
Hermione’s thinking again, and he’s with Ron , and she’s trying to find her parents. Coupled with the location, we can surmise that this probably happened not long after the Battle of Hogwarts.

Instead they were making love.
Coupled with the above we may surmise that this is one of the first times (if not THE first time) they are making love.

She enjoyed Ron's exploration of her body, enjoyed the touch of lips, the soft caresses of his fingers, enjoyed the slow escalation of her pleasure to it's ultimate crescendo.
This isn’t porn, or even a smut fic, suffice to say she is enjoying Ron’s attention.

No explanation mark, not shouted, an intimate calling of her name and the seventeenth instance of magic in this fic.

It was gone, her impending climax, stolen, but the look on Ron's face, his unexpected pleasure, the fear of reaction, the guilt and apology had all been worth it.
Clearly an accident. Hermione is a bit frustrated, but ultimately amused at the results.

Something to laugh about in years to come.

And sometimes she would invite him to whisper her name.
A little kink for the couple.

St. Mungos, London
Location, a hospital

"You're doing very well Mrs Weasley,"
“Mrs Weasley” so they’re married now

"Hermione." Ron muttered into her ear.
The Eighteenth instance of magic in the fic. Hermione must be in pain.

"Almost there. Just a few more contractions"
Childbirth (Intercourse and pregnancy may be assumed to have happened)

NOT an instance of magic (you may presume Hermione placing a finger on Ron’s lips

"Shsh love,"
She purposefully doesn’t want him to use the spell

He'd do everything she was sure, just like that long ago day at Malfoy Manor, he'd take all her pain into his lanky stubborn Weasley frame and never tell a soul, but, just like that day she would have to do the last bit herself.
Merlin, if you don’t know what the spell does by now you’re as dense as black hole. This also tells us that considerable time has past, but that this is probably their first child.

"Push Mrs Weasley, PUSH!"

Dear Ron tries again (NOT an instance of magic)

"Shutup Ronald!"
Testy testy, must quite a bit of discomfort.

And then she pushed, and breathed and pushed, and in the end, the healer handed Ron their daughter and he soothed her with one word.
Not Childbirth porn, suffice to say she laboured.
Icckle girl Weasley.
He’s a caring daddy.

The nineteeth instance of magic, and the naming of the child, sets this scene about 11 years before the epilogue in Deathly Hallows. (That’s pretty condensed information hey).

The End

For Gerald, so that he may understand.
A Dedication

People may also find it useful in seeing how information can be compressed into a few number of words.

Tags: fan fiction missing moments, harry potter
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