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[ mood | hopeful ]

We broke up about a week and a half ago and I felt like I was going to be miserable forever but i'm not. I mean, yeah I cried myself to sleep for the first couple of nights alone, but then i came to realize that, Dean was my first love and yes it's amazing and crazy at the same time.. but we were together for almost a year and a half and we kind of drifted. With him and his sports and me with my friends and my (ex) job, we never saw eachother. There wasn't a spark anymore and I think I put off breaking up with him for too long. I had mixed feelings about him and was telling myself that I was going to break up with him starting in June, and I kept it going on through the whole summer and until now. I know everything happens for a reason and I know it was the right thing that we broke up. It's been over a week and I don't even miss him all that much. I mean yes, I do miss him and all of his aspects, but I don't miss the fights and the tension. I know that we were destined to spend our time together and then go our separate ways. I just wish we could still be friends but he pushes me away.

Okay so now onto the good stuff.. and the drama/gossip. (I guess?)

Heather's party was pretty good. Everyone was pretty fucked up and we had some people die on us. Shit happens. Me and Corey started talking again that night for the first time in forever. We kissed a couple of times and pretty much everyone knows. I love Corey, he's defintely one of my really good friends but I would never have something with him.

Hm soo there's this boyyy and I like him but I don't think he has ANY idea. He might, but idk. Everyone says we would make a good couple and that he'd go for me but I always have my doubts. I haven't had a crush on someone in soo long and I feel like a little girl again. I think he views me as only a friend but I definitely want to start to hang out with him more and get to know him and then maybe he'll notice me in that kind of way. Riss and Jill say they'll out a good word in for me and I really want him to want me that way, but i'm not going to get my hopes up. I keep telling myself that ' oh, he's a senior he's not going to want a girlfriend now ' but I know that he's not like that. He's the biggest sweetheart i've ever met and I just want to spend time with him. I'm so insecure though. UGH. He has so many girl friends that I make myself think that he likes someone else. Blah.. I just need to talk to him and maybe hint to him that we could have something because i'm starting to really like him.

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[ mood | depressed ]

I had an AMAZING weekend..

until me and Dean broke up. I can't stop crying and I hate this so much and I just found his sweatshirt on my floor and I started to cry histerically and I hate this so much and I'm probably going to have an anxiety attack tomorrow in school. All I want to do is crawl up into a little ball and cry but I have to study for AP World and tonight couldn't get any worse.. =[

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[ mood | tired ]

I'm frustrated. I have this rash on my neck and cheeks from the god damn chlorine in the pool. ERRRG. It's not that noticable but I can see it and I hate it and I just want it gone before school. So of course my Mom schedules my appt. for the doctors the day before school. Eh.. whatever, i'll live.

Hm so on the topic of my Mom. She had surgery last Thursday. She was feeling fine afterwards just a little tired and groggy. But the past two days she's been feeling horrible. I feel helpless. My Mom's my bestfriend and I love her to death and I hate seeing her like this =[ It's depressing.

I still feel I need more shirts for school. I hate spending my parents money though.. Maybe i'll take like $100-150 out of my bank account and get some more shirts. I hate all my old clothes, I need to start off new and fresh =)And on the subject of school.. I am yet to get my schedule changed. Which pisses me off sooo much. Blagh. It seems like everyone's schedule is perfect and there's mine.. all nice and fucked up for ya..

So I didn't break up with Dean. I did a lot of thinking about all the shit we've been through and it's just another rough patch. It was like this last year when football started. I guess i'll just see where it goes and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. Everything happens for a reason. And it's not like it will be a smack in the face to me.. i'm expecting it. At least i'm not like other girls that depend on their boyfriends for EVERYTHING. I hate girls that are with their boyfriends 24/7 and all they do is talk about him and when they don't see him for like two days they have a mini panic attack. I mean.. get a fucking life. Sheeesh

Hm, so a reccomendation. Read Marley and Me. It's the cutest and funniest book ever! I'm halfway through and I love it. It's about this guy and his wife and how they raise this golden lab and a family and stuff and it's too cute for words.

So i'm starting to realize that this is a SUPER long post so i'm going to retire my fingers now for the night =}

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[ mood | confused ]

So... I want to breakup with Dean.. For plenty of reasons:

1. We NEVER see eachother
2. He never makes an effort to see me, call me, anything.
3. His sports are his whole life.
4. I just don't think we're compatible anymore
5. We don't have anything in common anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart but I just think it's time to move on. I don't want to be with the same guy all through highschool. I want a guy who will take me out to dinner once in a while and actually WANT to do it. I want a guy who calls me just to see how my days going. Dean never calls me.. ever. I'm always the one calling him and asking him to hang out and everything. He says he loves me and wouldn't know what to do without me but he doesn't show it. I just want a little effort and i've been telling him this for months. He changes for a couple of weeks but then goes back to his same old ways.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and him and I not being able to see eachother for a month really put a reality check to me. I thought I would die not seeing him, and it was like that for about a week. But then I got over it. I can live without him. I think i'm just hanging out because of everything we've been throuhg and I care so much about him and I don't want to hurt him. I would really like to be just friends with him but I don't think it will happen.

I don't even have the same feelings for him as I used to. I don't know.. it's messy. This is one of the hardest things i'll ever have to do, but I know I have to do it and go on with my life. I'm hanging on to him thinking that things will change, but they won't. I just want things to go back to how they used to. How he used to be so sweet and do cute little things and how I used to get butterflies everytime I saw him. It just feels like the flame has gone out. When we hang out once in a blue moon it feels like we're just more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend.

Ugh. This is draining =(

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[ mood | annoyed ]

Hm my summer consists offff.. wait take a guess. Okay here


I told myself before school ended that this summer would either be awesome or suck balls. Take a guess at where I ended up.

I'll vent in a little. I'm too busy doing nadaa

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I have pink eye and strep and I hate it and all I wanna do is play the fucking Sims but I lost the original one so I can install my other ones and i'm pissed because i've looked in every mother fucking store for it and nobody has it. ERG. i'm just so bored because i'm grounded and i know i'll be off grounding tomorrow but i'm sick so I won't want to go out anyway. and GR I WANT THIS FUCKING PINK EYE TO GO THE FUCK AWAY BECAUSE ITS SO ITCHY AND ANNOYING AND I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO RIP MY EYE BALLS OUT! %(*#)(%*@#)%*@)*0

k i'm done venting

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K so i'm grounded. it sucks. I hate it, and I've only been grounded for three days...

So I had Dean over when my rents went to a sweet sixteen and they came home earlier than expected. Dean and I were just laying and cuddling and they came home and we had to jump up and get dressed quick and I hid him in the shower. But they already knew he was there because they say his bike in the driveway. Ugh.

Well i'm kind of used to getting caught with everything so it doesn't fase me so much.I know everything will go back to normal in a couple of weeks so whatever. I know I should'nt of had him over but I don't know.. I don't think before I do things. I'm a teenager, i'm supossed to fuck up every once in a while. Okay well... these past few months I have a lot but whatever.

I'm actually looking foward to going back to school. I get to make fun of all the new freshman and I like the whole homecoming, spirit week thing. And in the beginning of school you don't really do anything either. I guess I just wanna go back because this summer is sucking so far. I'm excited for the beach next week but i'll be working most of the time. And on the whole work subject, I don't like it. They gave me a crappy sched. that I didn't want. They said they would give me the hours I wanted and they gave me the exact opposite. I work Monday, Wed., Thursday, and Friday. And it's all mostly 2:30 or 3:00- 8:00 and I hate that because it's so busy around that time.

Yep so.. me and Danny were supossed to go see POTC2 tonight, but he was too tired from work. I was really dissapointed because I wanted to get out of the house so badly. Grr..

Aright i'm doe for now.. i'll post more later about my uber boring life.
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+Brand New Community
+Auto Accepts/Rejects left
+Themes and Contests coming soon.
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Hmm [
[ mood | amused ]

Summer is sucking so far..

My mom snoops around in my room and on my computer and it drives me up the wall. So I don't even bother going out because I know i'll be drinking and I know she'll find out some way. She needs to back off and let me be a teenager..

I got a new job at Safety Swim and I love it. It's so much better than Ritas. I hated that piece of shit job. My cousin Robyn works there too so it's fun and it's just a good environment to work at. It's not strict and everyone is so fun.

Hm so I went to starbucks with Amanda the other day and talked to her and stuff since we haven't hung out in a while.. She got into a fight with that girl Bri, which was totally stupid. Then I slept over and we went to Ericas the next day. We were going to lay out but none of us have the attention span for that so we just sat around, talking and ate deep dish pizza haha =)

Me and Dean have been fighting lately. Mostly because he's an asshole. but they're little fights and we get over it anyway. idk.. he's just mean and gets an attitude with me =( haha

I just need to party. I haven't in a while and it feels weird. its not my nature haha

mk i'm outtttt <3333333

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[ mood | bored ]

okay so it's Friday afternoon... and i'm doing nadaa. I'm waiting for my mom to get out of the shower so I can go in...

First day of work lastnight. It sucked. I really don't like it. My boss's son works there anddd I don't really like him, i'm definitely going to apply other places so I can get out of there. It was so hot and sticky and disgusting and I was cleaning while Chris ( my boss's son ) and his girlfriend sat around and did nothing. Whatever.. the pay sucks too. 6.50 an hour? No thanks.. I just took the job to get my mom off my back. Safety Swim is hiring and my cousin works there and says it's fun and the pay is good. $8 and hour.. hmmmm =)

yeah so me and Dean went out to dessert Wed. night and then back to his house. I beat him in ice hockey, AGAIN. I'm amazing at it, the end.

So me and Britt were supossed to go to the beach today, but it's nasty out, so scratch that..

I really need to get out of my house so hopefully i'll do something tonight..

I feel like Erica, Amanda, and Riss are kind of avoiding me... idk. Erica asked me to go out with them lastnight but I had work.. I feel like she just asked me because she felt bad for me.. idk. Maybe i'm over thinking it too much like I always do.

Hmm soo I think me and my mom are gonna go to the mall or get Tiger Lilies or something. I need to get out of the house and she's bored out of her mind since she doesn't have any more work to do. I really hope she gets that new job because I know she really wants it. And she'll make so much more than she does now so that's goooood.

Aright I'm done for today... I'll post more later if I can..

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WOWWW. I haven't updated this thing in a whileeeee. I guess I got out of the hang of it. I think I'm going to start it up again for the summer =) It'll give me something to do in the meantime. Hm, so schools over. It went by SO fast. I'm excited for the summer and I have to sayy that I'm excited for the beginning of school again too. I just love that feeling of a fresh new year. There's something wrong with me, I know, no need for reminders. =]

Hm so everythings good good gooodd. Lastnight I got trashed and got sick, which I barely ever do. I didn't even drink that much. I think I took too many shots in such a short period of time.. and then we ran home so yeah.. I should remind myself not to do that again. Me and Dean are gooooooooood. I just over-analyze things too much sometimes. At times he's so immature and I can't stand him and then other times he's the most amazing person I've ever laid eyes on. He takes my breath away by just looking at him.

YAY, I got a job! =] It's at Ritas, and icecream place; it's cute. I haven't had a lot of hours though since of finals and the weathers been iffy the past couple of weeks. But I'm working next thursdayy. If it's still slow I'm probably going to fill out more applications just to keep my options open.

I feel like I'm rambling on about nothing sooo I'm gonna go try and find a new layout =] eee I'm excited.
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I havent updated this thing in foreverrrrrrrrrrrr.

Nothing really spectacular happened. Everythings pretty good. I've just been tangled up in school and stuff lately, I want to do really good this year. My mom said that if I get an A in Biology I can get my cart. pierced. Wooo. Maybe that'll happen? I mean, i got an 86 on my test and I did test corrections to get it to a 90, and i got an 88 on one of my quizes, I've handed in all my labs completed. We'll see how the rest of this quarter goes. Nothing to do with drama has happened. Thank god, I dispise immature people. A lot.

Hm, Erica, Tom, and Dean are coming over to watch some movies tonightttttt =) yayy.
Tomorrow is Jane's Christmas party, hopefully Dean comes.. I really want him to.

Uye I need to get some things done so I'll post more later i guess

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World Aids Day [
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tomorrows thanksgivinggg. yay food =)
and a four day weekend. woohoo.

yeah so i have to sit in the back seat of my car for 3 and a half hours tomorrow. peachyyyyyyyyyyyy, right?

i kind of think its weird
that my family eats dinner
at 2 o' clock
on thanksgiving
like every year
exactly then
.. freaks me out

and i really hope it doesnt snow
because if it does i have to stay overnight
and i really dont want to
even though i love my family
i want my own bed.

my dads birthdays this sundayyyyyyy =) i got him two cds he wanted.
hopefully he'll like them

this years already going so fast. im going to blink and its going to be christmas. hm christmas shopping .. i need to get started on that.

yeah short post, but im tired as fuck and i need to get up early tomorrow.

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mk .. so i havent updated in a while. so this is probably going to be a prettyy damn long post ..



i actually had a full week of school this week and i actually had homework.. like a shitload every night. i was totally stressing out. especially when my printer doesnt work. hm so this week went soooooooooooooo slow. like i cant even explain how slow it went. uye vei. hm and i have like an 87 GPA which im really pissed off about.. 3 more points and i couldve been on honor roll. i just need to get my grade up in biology. i have a feeling im going to do better this quarter. i have a 90 or higher in every other class except math, which i have an 80 in. idk what happened?! haha. ill do better. i know i will. hmmm i got a 101 on my spanish quiz! woo yeah allie. and i have a project due on dec. 5th. i have to make a poster or w/e of my favorite movie and write all this shit down for it. eh easy 100.

relationshipppp <333

me and deans 7 months is tomorrow. cute, right? uye i just adore him. so yeah he came over when my rents were away, and yeah.. self explanitory. he's just amazing. his personality brings out the best of me when he's around. hm and i dont know what to get him for christmas.. rawr. well i have some ideas.. he said he wants cologne or anything to do with sports. so i was thinking maybe a new florida state fitted hat since his is like .. destroyed and stuff. and then a new scent. but idk what kind to get him. i LOVEE the fierce by abercrombie .. but he doesnt really shop there so idk .. im weird. and then his birthdays a couple days later ( January 4th ) so im thinking about making him a scrapbook maybe..




wooo . now that i got that out. yeah so me erica riss and amanda are planning on having a sleep over tonight. but i really want to go out before that. like to dinner or something. and i reallyyy want to see nikki this weekend. i miss her. maybe we can go to lunch on sunday. im sooo happy its friday =)))))). and me and demi are talking now, which im happy about. i didnt want to have that awkward thing between us. the whole thing was just plain stupid. i miss her a lot too. ive been meaning to IM her and talk about things but shes always away.. hmm .



yay so thanksgivings next week =) im so happy. i love my family. the last time i saw my dads side was at my uncle's wedding in september. and this is my aunt janets first thanksgiving with us. should be interesting. we're going to my aunt nancey's and uncle tom's house upstate this year. and this year we're having christmas i think .. pretty sure. only dannys coming home for christmas this year =( i wish bryan could too. i hardly ever see him. before sept. i didnt see him for eight months. and ian, well lets just say i dont really care all that much. he hasnt talked called my dad since the wedding which is rediculous. i thought he was finally going to get his act together with the whole family thing, but i knew i shouldnt of kept my hopes up.



hm so yeahh


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hmmmm sooo my rentss left yesterdayy morningggggggg =)



and deany babys coming over todayyyy


hm i wonder what shall happen again ;)



yeah im in a weird mood.


so lastnight i was supossed to go out to dinner with erica and riss. but that didnt work out because we didnt have a ride home .. so i was just hanging around my house and what not and then riss calls me at likeeeeeeee 10:30 .. and she was at ericas with jimmy and mike. and they wanted to  hang out so i was like yeah sure come over. and then idk something happened, like ericas dad was going to drive them over but then he found out my rents werent home or something .. idk but nothing happened .. and then idk so yeah they didnt come. and then amanda was all emo on me because she didnt do anything friday or saturday and she was bitching to me about how she never does anything anymore. and i was like .. uhhhh i havent done anything all weekend either so dont go all bitch whack on me. and she slept over caseys house with janine thusday night and hung out with them all friday day. and she was like well i mean i havent done anything fun all weekend. and once again i was like neither have i. and then she was like omgg yeah you did what are you talking about?! and i was just like ... what? and she was like your away message said ' outtttttttttttttttttt ' lastnight. and i was like .. dude .. i went to deans for like 4 hours. WOOP DE DOO. but yeah whatever


oh and yeah friday i was supossed to see nikki and then she was supossed to sleep over .. but uh idk what happened to that idea. haha. i really miss her =( like a muchoooooooo lot. we had like a 4 hour coversation on the phone the other day venting to eachother and it made me miss her so much. i havent seen her since the summer when i went camping at smithspoint.



hm so yeah.. im gonna go eat breakfast and call dean and riss & erica and what not..




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hmmm so lastnight i did nothing .. because i waited around for dean because we were supossed to hang out after the football past party, but of course we didnt. i couldve gone out with friends but i waited for him even thought i knew that he was going to blow me off. well he didnt really blow mer off.. but he said that he had a stomch ache and that his dad wanted him to go to bed early because he had a game and hes going away for the weekend. and then i just like brokedown since i never see him and i wont see him untill monday.. and thats even if he asks to hangout. and he said that he would ' make it up to me ' but what he thinks ' making it up to me ' is actually hanging out with him. maybe ill give him a taste of his own medicine and blow him off when he gets home..


i went to the library the other day and got some books. i was looking for Prozac Nation, but they didnt have it so i reserved it. i got:

All i Want Is Everything ( the 3rd gossip girl book )

Inexcusable by Chris Lynch

&& Splintering by Eireann Corrigan


i think im going to hang out with nikki and people tonight. i really miss them a lot. like a whollllleeee lot. and hopefully ill sleep over nikkis because i dont want to come back here tonight. im getting sick of my house. as much as i love it im really getting sick of it. and i cant wait untill i redo my room .. i just have to figure out what to do with it .. i have some things in mind. either red or blue.

hmm and thanksgiving and christmas are soon and i cant wait ! =) i love my familyyyyy.

kyeah thats all. maybe ill update later..

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so its halloween and im stuck home doing nothing. because my friends suck. but whatever i had a shitload of biology and english homework..

and now im waiting for dean to stop by if he decides to or not.

i really dont care because all i want to do is shower and go to bed.

and i really dont understand amanda. after all this crapola all of us went through with demi and her telling me how much she disslikes her and then she goes off with her tonight. maybe she was just desperate. but she was like pissed off at erica and riss when they told her she wasnt going out .. but then again erica and riss totally ditched us this weekend. we were all supossed to go to haunted houses friday night and then just went off with tom and sweeney leaving the rest of us home. and then stuck with eachother like glue for the rest of the weekend.

and then dean totally ditched me this weekend as usual, which turned into a fight but then he came over and made up. friday night he was at zach b.'s house for a pasta party for the fb team and he texted me and was like ' i cant wait to be with you and cuddle and kiss you ' and he was in like such a good mood and all that junk. and then saturday i went to his football game at fucking 9 o'clock in the morning with the girls and then we were supossed to get together that night but he went to zach m's house. so i was like alright w/e ill see him sunday and he was like oh no i cant because i have to go out to church and to eat and stuff for my gma's 80th birthday. and i was just like " what? ". like seriously after all that ' i cant wait to see you ' bologna and he goes and pulls this on me. HE KNEW he wasnt going to see me sunday and he didnt even try to get together with me saturday. i was just pissed because i see him once or twice a week TOPS. he see's his friends everyday after school at football. sorry if i miss you and i only have two classes with you during the day, one which you dont even talk to me in. you joke around with tyler the whole period, while i sit two fucking seats behind you. im kind of getting sick of it though, i was going to breakup with him because im through with being second best. its like if he's stuck at home with nothing to do he comes running to me, and of course i take him in because of course im not doing anything either unless im out drinking with friends. and im ALWAYS the one to ask him to hangout. the last time i remember him asking me to hangout was over the summer. its like he has no time for me, and he admitted it. i told him about everything and all he had to say was ' idk im just busy all the time ' and i told him that i feel like im an add on to his already perfect life. because i practically am. so yeah when he came over we were kissing and stuff and he was like ' i love you ' and i wanted to say ' do you really love me or just this? ' but i didnt want to ruin the moment. uye i hate boys. i guess i just cant picture the fact of not being with him because its felt like ive been with him for like 5 years. and the fact that i lost my friggen virginity to. which when i think about it was kind of a big mistake. i mean i know we waited like 5 months but i was totally presured into by demi and her little whore selve. she turned my mind into a slut mind over those 10 days with her in north carolina. damn you demi, damn you. err

so yeah life is kind of dull for me. i havent gone out the past two weekends. ive been through like a depressive mode. i sit at home and cry and my moms like begging me to go back to therapy since i dont talk to her about stuff. but fuck no im not getting wrapped up in that crap all over again. im not making this year turn into last year. im not going to become some anorexic cutter again. i hated that part of me. its over and done with. and ended chapter of my life. im not going to become julia.

all i need is someone who i can really talk to. and i do kind of miss demi in that way becayse she was the one who i could tell anything to. but then again seh annoys the living daylights out of me. and i kind of miss ash. but shes a total bitch. and cassie just needs to get a fucking life and stop giving me dirty looks when she walks into spanish and sees me in the hallways. YOU DONT AFFECT ME YOU FUCKING FAKE. uye dont even get me started on her. i could write a 100 chapter novel on how much she follows ash in every single way.

aright im done for the night. maybe some advice anyone?

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yuppp thank god its friday

had a spanish quiz today
aced it as always
fricken mr. franzese

and christian wants me to go over.. with dean
and i texted him .. but hes not answering
so yeah ..

and if i don't go out tonight i will kill someone

so yeah yesterday me and dean were in the mist of getting into yet another fight ..

it all started in art when i said something and he was like ' wow thats really f'n annoying ' or something on the lines of that .. and i was just like .. woww ...

so i was quiet the rest of the period and he didnt understand why
so i was in like a bad mood for the rest of the day.
and then after math he was like whats the matter and i just wasnt really talking
so then when he IMed me i was like ' well if i annoy you so much then i might as well not talk at all ' and he was like blah blah blahh i didnt mean that you dont annoy me so much .. but then he goes and names stuff that i do that annoys him and asks me not to do it ..

so i was like yeah whatever.. why are you even going out with me if i annoy you so fucking much?

so yeah he had to go then he came back on for like 10 minutes and we were talking and he was like ' do you really not know why im going out with you ? ' and i was like ' yeah ' and then he was like alright well i gg ttyt love you .. and i was like uh okay?

i was kind of expecting him to like tell me why he is .. but nopee

idk so i just dropped it .. sometimes i feel like he doesnt care what i feel. like whenever i try to talk to him about stuff hes always like .. can we just drop this? and it makes me feel like shit because he obviously DOESNT care about what i have to say...

but yeah ..

kind of a pointless post but i needed to get it out
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yay [
[ mood | amused ]

so i found something that i like for now, until i can do what i really want. but yeahhh ..

so i decided to make a new lj becauseeeeeeeeeeee... hmm
idk ? i get really bored when i get home from school.. since i dont play any sports in the fall.


so yea the highschool .. what can i say? nothing too exciting. same people different atmosphere.

me and deans 6 months was last wensday =) hehe. six months. half a year. damnnnnnnnn. makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. i made him a mix cd and wrote him a cutesy note and school pic( which i didnt want to give him because i fricken HATE it ) k anywayssss.. he wrote me the most adorable note EVER. sprayed it with kilo .. yumm

so hmmmmmm .. not really BFF with demi anymore.
long story
its stupid

andddd me and ash dont talk. eh i dont really care
and i LOVE how cassie gives me dirty looks in the hallways
it cracks me up
just so you know cassie
if your reading this
it doesnt affect me one bit
so keep on staringgggg

yeah lifes prettayyy good.
doing good in school
except for bio.
i could do better.. i have like an 87. but then again i have it 1st and 2nd period .. so yeah.
and i totally bombed the test i had today. yes. a test. on MONDAY.
seriously though .. i love mr. petrie but damn .. i am not a monday person. he knows this from last year.

k so yeah im done rambling on about nothing ..
and lagunas on soon
and deany babys calling me back.
=D =D

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