We broke up about a week and a half ago and I felt like I was going to be miserable forever but i'm not. I mean, yeah I cried myself to sleep for the first couple of nights alone, but then i came to realize that, Dean was my first love and yes it's amazing and crazy at the same time.. but we were together for almost a year and a half and we kind of drifted. With him and his sports and me with my friends and my (ex) job, we never saw eachother. There wasn't a spark anymore and I think I put off breaking up with him for too long. I had mixed feelings about him and was telling myself that I was going to break up with him starting in June, and I kept it going on through the whole summer and until now. I know everything happens for a reason and I know it was the right thing that we broke up. It's been over a week and I don't even miss him all that much. I mean yes, I do miss him and all of his aspects, but I don't miss the fights and the tension. I know that we were destined to spend our time together and then go our separate ways. I just wish we could still be friends but he pushes me away.
Okay so now onto the good stuff.. and the drama/gossip. (I guess?)
Heather's party was pretty good. Everyone was pretty fucked up and we had some people die on us. Shit happens. Me and Corey started talking again that night for the first time in forever. We kissed a couple of times and pretty much everyone knows. I love Corey, he's defintely one of my really good friends but I would never have something with him.
Hm soo there's this boyyy and I like him but I don't think he has ANY idea. He might, but idk. Everyone says we would make a good couple and that he'd go for me but I always have my doubts. I haven't had a crush on someone in soo long and I feel like a little girl again. I think he views me as only a friend but I definitely want to start to hang out with him more and get to know him and then maybe he'll notice me in that kind of way. Riss and Jill say they'll out a good word in for me and I really want him to want me that way, but i'm not going to get my hopes up. I keep telling myself that ' oh, he's a senior he's not going to want a girlfriend now ' but I know that he's not like that. He's the biggest sweetheart i've ever met and I just want to spend time with him. I'm so insecure though. UGH. He has so many girl friends that I make myself think that he likes someone else. Blah.. I just need to talk to him and maybe hint to him that we could have something because i'm starting to really like him.
I had an AMAZING weekend..
until me and Dean broke up. I can't stop crying and I hate this so much and I just found his sweatshirt on my floor and I started to cry histerically and I hate this so much and I'm probably going to have an anxiety attack tomorrow in school. All I want to do is crawl up into a little ball and cry but I have to study for AP World and tonight couldn't get any worse.. =[
I'm frustrated. I have this rash on my neck and cheeks from the god damn chlorine in the pool. ERRRG. It's not that noticable but I can see it and I hate it and I just want it gone before school. So of course my Mom schedules my appt. for the doctors the day before school. Eh.. whatever, i'll live.
Hm so on the topic of my Mom. She had surgery last Thursday. She was feeling fine afterwards just a little tired and groggy. But the past two days she's been feeling horrible. I feel helpless. My Mom's my bestfriend and I love her to death and I hate seeing her like this =[ It's depressing.
I still feel I need more shirts for school. I hate spending my parents money though.. Maybe i'll take like $100-150 out of my bank account and get some more shirts. I hate all my old clothes, I need to start off new and fresh =)And on the subject of school.. I am yet to get my schedule changed. Which pisses me off sooo much. Blagh. It seems like everyone's schedule is perfect and there's mine.. all nice and fucked up for ya..
So I didn't break up with Dean. I did a lot of thinking about all the shit we've been through and it's just another rough patch. It was like this last year when football started. I guess i'll just see where it goes and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. Everything happens for a reason. And it's not like it will be a smack in the face to me.. i'm expecting it. At least i'm not like other girls that depend on their boyfriends for EVERYTHING. I hate girls that are with their boyfriends 24/7 and all they do is talk about him and when they don't see him for like two days they have a mini panic attack. I mean.. get a fucking life. Sheeesh
Hm, so a reccomendation. Read Marley and Me. It's the cutest and funniest book ever! I'm halfway through and I love it. It's about this guy and his wife and how they raise this golden lab and a family and stuff and it's too cute for words.
So i'm starting to realize that this is a SUPER long post so i'm going to retire my fingers now for the night =}
So... I want to breakup with Dean.. For plenty of reasons:
1. We NEVER see eachother
2. He never makes an effort to see me, call me, anything.
3. His sports are his whole life.
4. I just don't think we're compatible anymore
5. We don't have anything in common anymore.
Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart but I just think it's time to move on. I don't want to be with the same guy all through highschool. I want a guy who will take me out to dinner once in a while and actually WANT to do it. I want a guy who calls me just to see how my days going. Dean never calls me.. ever. I'm always the one calling him and asking him to hang out and everything. He says he loves me and wouldn't know what to do without me but he doesn't show it. I just want a little effort and i've been telling him this for months. He changes for a couple of weeks but then goes back to his same old ways.
I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and him and I not being able to see eachother for a month really put a reality check to me. I thought I would die not seeing him, and it was like that for about a week. But then I got over it. I can live without him. I think i'm just hanging out because of everything we've been throuhg and I care so much about him and I don't want to hurt him. I would really like to be just friends with him but I don't think it will happen.
I don't even have the same feelings for him as I used to. I don't know.. it's messy. This is one of the hardest things i'll ever have to do, but I know I have to do it and go on with my life. I'm hanging on to him thinking that things will change, but they won't. I just want things to go back to how they used to. How he used to be so sweet and do cute little things and how I used to get butterflies everytime I saw him. It just feels like the flame has gone out. When we hang out once in a blue moon it feels like we're just more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend.
Ugh. This is draining =(
Hm my summer consists offff.. wait take a guess. Okay here
I told myself before school ended that this summer would either be awesome or suck balls. Take a guess at where I ended up.
I'll vent in a little. I'm too busy doing nadaa
I have pink eye and strep and I hate it and all I wanna do is play the fucking Sims but I lost the original one so I can install my other ones and i'm pissed because i've looked in every mother fucking store for it and nobody has it. ERG. i'm just so bored because i'm grounded and i know i'll be off grounding tomorrow but i'm sick so I won't want to go out anyway. and GR I WANT THIS FUCKING PINK EYE TO GO THE FUCK AWAY BECAUSE ITS SO ITCHY AND ANNOYING AND I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO RIP MY EYE BALLS OUT! %(*#)(%*@#)%*@)*0
k i'm done venting
K so i'm grounded. it sucks. I hate it, and I've only been grounded for three days...
So I had Dean over when my rents went to a sweet sixteen and they came home earlier than expected. Dean and I were just laying and cuddling and they came home and we had to jump up and get dressed quick and I hid him in the shower. But they already knew he was there because they say his bike in the driveway. Ugh.
Well i'm kind of used to getting caught with everything so it doesn't fase me so much.I know everything will go back to normal in a couple of weeks so whatever. I know I should'nt of had him over but I don't know.. I don't think before I do things. I'm a teenager, i'm supossed to fuck up every once in a while. Okay well... these past few months I have a lot but whatever.
I'm actually looking foward to going back to school. I get to make fun of all the new freshman and I like the whole homecoming, spirit week thing. And in the beginning of school you don't really do anything either. I guess I just wanna go back because this summer is sucking so far. I'm excited for the beach next week but i'll be working most of the time. And on the whole work subject, I don't like it. They gave me a crappy sched. that I didn't want. They said they would give me the hours I wanted and they gave me the exact opposite. I work Monday, Wed., Thursday, and Friday. And it's all mostly 2:30 or 3:00- 8:00 and I hate that because it's so busy around that time.
Yep so.. me and Danny were supossed to go see POTC2 tonight, but he was too tired from work. I was really dissapointed because I wanted to get out of the house so badly. Grr..
Aright i'm doe for now.. i'll post more later about my uber boring life.
Summer is sucking so far..
My mom snoops around in my room and on my computer and it drives me up the wall. So I don't even bother going out because I know i'll be drinking and I know she'll find out some way. She needs to back off and let me be a teenager..
I got a new job at Safety Swim and I love it. It's so much better than Ritas. I hated that piece of shit job. My cousin Robyn works there too so it's fun and it's just a good environment to work at. It's not strict and everyone is so fun.
Hm so I went to starbucks with Amanda the other day and talked to her and stuff since we haven't hung out in a while.. She got into a fight with that girl Bri, which was totally stupid. Then I slept over and we went to Ericas the next day. We were going to lay out but none of us have the attention span for that so we just sat around, talking and ate deep dish pizza haha =)
Me and Dean have been fighting lately. Mostly because he's an asshole. but they're little fights and we get over it anyway. idk.. he's just mean and gets an attitude with me =( haha
I just need to party. I haven't in a while and it feels weird. its not my nature haha
mk i'm outtttt <3333333
okay so it's Friday afternoon... and i'm doing nadaa. I'm waiting for my mom to get out of the shower so I can go in...
First day of work lastnight. It sucked. I really don't like it. My boss's son works there anddd I don't really like him, i'm definitely going to apply other places so I can get out of there. It was so hot and sticky and disgusting and I was cleaning while Chris ( my boss's son ) and his girlfriend sat around and did nothing. Whatever.. the pay sucks too. 6.50 an hour? No thanks.. I just took the job to get my mom off my back. Safety Swim is hiring and my cousin works there and says it's fun and the pay is good. $8 and hour.. hmmmm =)
yeah so me and Dean went out to dessert Wed. night and then back to his house. I beat him in ice hockey, AGAIN. I'm amazing at it, the end.
So me and Britt were supossed to go to the beach today, but it's nasty out, so scratch that..
I really need to get out of my house so hopefully i'll do something tonight..
I feel like Erica, Amanda, and Riss are kind of avoiding me... idk. Erica asked me to go out with them lastnight but I had work.. I feel like she just asked me because she felt bad for me.. idk. Maybe i'm over thinking it too much like I always do.
Hmm soo I think me and my mom are gonna go to the mall or get Tiger Lilies or something. I need to get out of the house and she's bored out of her mind since she doesn't have any more work to do. I really hope she gets that new job because I know she really wants it. And she'll make so much more than she does now so that's goooood.
Aright I'm done for today... I'll post more later if I can..