[bh] george/annie // at the end

"I can't tell enough to say for sure what it is."

So many doctors you guys.

I've just made an appointment with my fifth doctor to try and figure out what's wrong with me. I think we're getting close to an actual diagnosis instead of hearing 'I don't know' again and again.

My sisters and mother are trying to comfort me with the suggestion that it could be cancer. Because it's supposed to be laughable, I'm having trouble seeing the humor in it. Even if it's probably not what this ends up being.

Still a month before my appt, sooooooooooo yes, more waiting and stressing. Love that.
[dw] rory // american man

and then this happened.

So middle school, it's sort of like a universal suck fest right? As least that's the impression I get when people talk about middle school years down the line, how much it sucked. And yeah, years down the line for me, it really did suck, but that was pretty much my entire public school career really.

There were good times, it wasn't like I spent every single day hating the thought of going back to school and those people. Not every day, but there were times that I thought that. Long extended periods of time. And I think middle school really was the worst of it. I mean elementary school is sort of okay for the most part everyone is still kind of stuck in that kid mode, it's around 4th and 5th grade that it started getting worse for me and then right on into middle school.

You know I was always really content to just hang out with my friends and ignore everyone else. I wasn't super aware of anything that made me terribly different from anyone else for a long time. Not until people felt the need to start telling me, oh hey btw you're fat. And they felt the need to tell me that repeatedly and often and in various hurtful ways. I found it written on tables outside my classrooms, notes I got passed in the halls, and yelled at me in the middle of the cafeteria.

The girls I considered my best friends since we were in kindergarten stopped being my friends and there was this period of limbo where I wasn't completely sure where I fit or what I was supposed to do. Eventually I found a place, I tried out for the cheerleading team because I wanted to be something like popular for once, and I had girls single me out in the middle of the cafeteria calling me a fat slut and how dare I think I could be a cheerleader. And kids on the hour long bus ride back home in the afternoons.

And there is a lot more to my young life, issues at home and at church and all of that contributed to my way of dealing with it all. But I'm still here, and all of that is over now, and I'm not that girl I was then.

So I got a message on facebook the other day from one of the girls who helped to make my middle school experience hell all those years ago. I'll just share it here rather than try to explain it.

Hi Mallorie,
I hope things are well for you. I want to apologize for being mean to you in middle school. I know it was a long time ago, but I think about you occasionally and I am embarrassed about the the way I treated you. I want you to know I am so sorry and wish you all the best in the future.

And I don't know what to do with this. Mom says I should be mean back to this girl, but that's not me in the first place, and it's not going to do anything to change what happened in the past, and it won't make me feel better now. And I'd rather not open the door to more meanness if there is going to be any further interactions between us in the future. And I suspect the only reason she thought about me are the upcoming reunion festivities later this year.

But yeah, a lot of navel gazing and uncomfortable trips down memory lane recently. Ugh. Ignore my rambling, I just needed to talk this out a little.
[bh] gilbert // 80s rock

10 year reunion

This whole 10 year reunion thing is really sticking in my craw for some reason. I don't know what it is about it, I've been talking to my mom about it a little, whether or not I want to go and all of those things.

It's strange, I don't really talk to anyone I went to high school with anymore, occasionally I'll run into them around town, it's always weird and stilted and I never know what to say to any of them. I was a bit of a loner in high school, I had friends but they were the sort of friends you had classes with, you ate lunch with them and then you went home at the end of the day and that was about it. I didn't really do that whole party thing, or spend much time with people out side of school, I've always been closer to my family than other people.

It was easier getting close to people once I went to college. I started figuring myself out and what I wanted and the kinds of people I wanted to be friends with.

I had much closer friendships with the people I went to college with, though even with them I don't really talk to them much anymore, because I am such a significantly different person today than I was in college let alone in the ten years since I was in high school.

The girls I spent most of my time with are all married now, every single one of them, more than half of them have kids now, some as many as 3. And I just I look at their lives and I look at my life and I'm not sure even knowing each other ten years ago would be enough to really get me talking to any of them again. I mean they'll be all, these are my kids, and I'll be all 'Oh I hate kids', and they'll be all hey this is my husband, and I'll be all 'Oh I like chicks sooooooo no husband for me.' And that's the other thing, I mean maybe I grew up in Austin, and sure we like to call ourselves a little sea of blue in an otherwise red ocean, but this is still Texas. And I was kind of painfully repressed christian back in high school. I don't think anyone would actually say anything, but yeah.

Yeahhhhh I'm probably thinking too much about this, but yeah, it's been on my mind since I keep getting notices from facebook about things.
[marvel] tony // i'm fine in the way we

oh hey remember that lj thing

Man I'm doing super good at keeping up this journal aren't I guys?

Well I've been living life and stuff-ish soooo yeah. My sisters are home for spring break so we've been running around town all week hanging out and checking out things and just catching up, they've both actually been gone for like 2 weeks now which I think is the longest we've had the house free of college students since they both started school last August.

Ummmm other than that, been doing lots of doctors appts since I finally have insurance again, getting all the check ups and things I've missed for the last 3 years. I have to go in for some sort of thing where I swallow chalk (this is how the doctor described it to me okay) and then let them film it.

Totally looking forward to that.....

Been reading lots too, at least that part of my new year's resolutions is going well.

I got invited to the facebook group for my ten year high school reunion yesterday too, god when did I get so old? They're planning lots of stuff, I'm not sure if I want to go or not. I haven't really talked to anyone I went to high school with since we graduated and a lot of them are married with kids, and yeah..... meh, I've got several months to think about it at least.
[celeb] jared // dnw


Can you twist your foot? Not your ankle but your foot?

I was taking out the garbage a little bit ago and it's raining so my shoes were slick when I came in and the second I got on tile I slipped but I managed to stay upright but did something ridiculous to my foot and now it hates me and is reminding me of that hatred pretty vehemently.

[suits] h/m // one foot out the door

Fic: The View From Up Here - NC-17

Title: The View from Up Here
Pairings: Mike/Harvey
Word Count: 2,300
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Sometimes Mike gets this look in his eye that is impossible to resist
Author's Note: This was written for suits_exchange, prompts from and written for veritas_st. Thank you forever to midnight_writer for helping me with ideas and encouraging me to get this finished. Enjoy!

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[suits] mike // terminator


Mom always wants to come in and check what I'm doing on my computer when I'm on tumblr. Thank god there was no porn up this time. Sheesh.

I'm in a mood to write Mike/Trevor fic today. It's been all over my dash and those little tag fics I do just aren't cutting it, alas inspiration where art thou?
[alias] bristows

Checking in

I'm doing a really poor job of being around more often I fear.

But I'm here at the moment, I've been watching Fringe recently. Target had the first three seasons on sale last week so I picked them up and I'm on to season three at the moment. I've been really enjoying it - I've always meant to watch it.

I even went so far as to get the series before but I've never been able to sit through it for some reason. But yes, on the television seems to work well for me.

I've been writing more fic recently, a few Suits things that will one day be finished(!), and attempting to try something for the avengers_bang we'll see how well that goes. Sooooo yes, alive, writing, watching Fringe, being annoyed by my family.