Don't know where else to write this...

Maybe someone will read it.

I'm lost and I'm fucking lonely.

"Just let it go" "Don't let it upset you" "Just try to move past it"
That's what I hear... but how do I DO it?

I spend most of my days and nights crying, and wearing down the only person who has ever REALLY meant something to me. I take away all of his emotional energy and I don't mean to, I'm not trying to. Everything starts going well, and then I do something wrong and it's like I was never actually getting better. I don't have friends, and I don't know how to make them. I just want to disappear and make everything go away, but at the same time I really don't. I'm doubting my purpose as a person.

What do I do?

Fuck you.

Fuck you, heartbreak. Fuck you, life. Fuck you.

The effects that emotional distress can have on your physical well being never ceases to amaze me.


It's almost likes some force following me around making sure I have just enough tragedy and drama in my life before I move away from my family and friends for college in 9 days.

Yesterday we had to put down my 6 year old dog. 6 years is not old for dog, she had so many year ahead of her, years when I would come home for holidays and she would jump up and try to lick my face. And all of a sudden, in one day a freak accident happens and she has to be put down. Life just isn't fair.

Here's the story:

Josie ran outside with my dad and Gary. Josie jumped up onto the wall in our backyard and ran back into the woods, most likely chasing a deer (her favorite past time). My dad and Gary turned right and walked towards the cars, about 15-20 seconds later Josie started yelping, as if in pain, more pain than she had ever been in. My dad and Gary ran over to her, afraid to get too close in case it was a snake bite. If only it had been a snake bite. My dad wrapped Josie in a blanket and Gary sped them to the vet. Josie's gums and tongue had turned blue, they thought maybe she had a seizure. The vet put Josie on oxygen and x-rayed her. Josie had broken her back and was in severe pain, causing shock, which caused her mouth to turn blue. When my mom and I arrived Josie was panting very heavily and obviously in a lot of pain. Her pupils were dilated, and she had already been given 2 doses of heavy pain killers. If we had kept Josie alive, which truly was not an option, she would have been in pain for the rest of her life and her entire back end would have been paralyzed. We knew it was time to say good bye. I sat with Josie for a long time. I cried into her fur and kissed her and hugged her. Saying good bye was so hard. I held her head in my arms and petted her while they put her down. I watched all the life leave her body. Right before she passed she licked my arm, her intention may have been to lick her lips because her mouth was dry due to panting so heavily, but she licked my arm. I stayed and petted my poor Josie long after she was already gone. It was so hard to leave her, even though she had already left me. Finally I knew it was time to go. I will miss my Josie forever.

She was the best dog that ever lived. RIP Josie, We love you.

Fred Willrich

Today my bass teacher passed away. Fred Jerome Willrich was more than my bass teacher, he was my brother, my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, and my inspiration. He turned 25 on March 4th, and lived all 25 years so selflessly. He helped so many people, even if he didn't realize it. It was everyone's best friend when they needed one.
I found out today around 4:30 and that he had passed away in the early hours of the morning or late last night. He had played a concert that night, performing on his viola, one of his favorite things in life, then went home and was cooking dinner, another one of his favorite things in life, and sat down in his easy chair. His room mate found him around 2:30 am and went to wake him up to tell him to go to sleep, when Fred didn't respond, Nick, his room mate, called EMS. After trying to fruitlessly trying to revive him, Fred was declared dead. He had been ailed by an upper respiratory infection for about 2 weeks, but beyond that no one knows how he died.
I still can't even begin to fathom why it was Fred that had to go. He did no wrong in his life. He was always helping. He even felt guilty for having to charge money to give me bass lessons. I know for a fact that Fred loved me very much and I loved him just as much. Even though I'm not a religious person, but Fred was. He was a devout baptist. He loved God, life, his friends and his family more than anything. I know that he is with his God now.

Fred was such a blessing to everyone who's life he entered. It's not fair that we already have to say goodbye, but I know he lives on in my heart and so many others. I know this for a fact because over 100 people showed up in the music building at Texas State where he went to school and we all shared stories and sang songs for him and celebrated Fred's life.

Fred, I love you so much, and I know you're in a good place now, but I want you to know we all miss you.

Rest in Peace Fred Jerome Willrich, the most amazing person I've ever known.

There's so much more I want to say right now, but it seems so unreal. I feel like tomorrow I'm going to go to orchestra and he'll be there and I'll hear his bright, infectious laugh before I even enter the room.