hellow palm tree

colder than oldness could ever be

goddamned teenager
so, i don't usually work all week since i have wednesday off, but since i took last thursday & friday off, my boss said i could make up for it this week (our work week is thursday - wednesday). so monday, tuesday & wednesday i worked 10 hour days, and then yesterday i went back to taking a lunch and leaving at 4:30. it didn't seem that bad, almost good actually, to work so hard all week and it made me think, "maybe i'll stay till 6 more often."

now, maybe its because its the end of the week, & i'm just tired & need my 2-day break. maybe its because my boss was out of town all week and now he's back & asking me to do stuff again. maybe its my detailed to do list, or the meeting we're having at 2:30, but i know for a fact that it started when i went on facebook during my lunch break.

see, my sister is busy with her new adult life and i haven't seen her in awhile. she backed out to have dinner with me & jess for my birthday, she backed out to have dinner with a bunch of us at lauren's apartment, and now i'm trying to get her to come out for Jessica's birthday, and it looks like thats not going to happen either. i posted something on her wall about it, and my mom had to jump in (because my mom ALWAYS has to jump in) with "you could come up here and visit, casey." like, she doesn't even know anything and just decides to give her two cents without provocation. it irritates me. so i commented "shut up mom." & said something like, don't give megan fodder to not come.

when i got on facebook again at lunch, my mom had sent me a message about how rude i had been on a "public facebook page." and then my sister said that she probably won't come, which means she's definitely not going to come. & i don't know whats going on with me, but the whole thing makes me want to cry. ok, to be perfectly honest, when i was reading megan's comments i did start to cry. because i am a fuckin crybaby and i can't stop it from happening. i try to be proud of it and say "i feel my emotions," but its something i wish i could control. but the purpose of this post is to say i feel so fuckin depressed now about the whole thing.

so now i just want to go home so bad. at like 11:00 i had the worst hunger pains ever and i felt so nauseous that i considered going home early. i still want to go home early, but i'm like 2 hours away from when i usually go home so i need to stick it out. i just wonder if i'll ever stop acting like a goddamned teenager. i still get pimples on my face, i still get super depressed & cry about dumb things, and i still have no money and don't feel ready for anything.

this too shall pass. that is probably my favorite phrase because it applies to my life 75% of the time.


california ramblings
no one posts in lj anymore! i suppose its just as well...i can plot to my heart's content & no one will be the wiser. bwahahaha!

not that i have much to go on. this is my private blog (public one), so no need for professional updates. i was just reading my blog entry where i was considering moving to california, but before it had become THE BIG PLAN, with adam and alex jumping on board. now they are all out there & ryan & i are not.

i am extremely torn on whether i made a good decision or not. on the positive side, i'm pretty sure i would never get the job i have now if i had moved to CA. & having the job i have now will be very helpful on my resume in getting a job like this in the future, like in CA. i was even thinking i would stick with the garden centers since i like gardening and there are lots of garden centers in California. so there's that.

i know Ryan also loves his job, and probably feels the same way i do about job availability in CA. he's getting more and more screen printing experience under his belt, and i know that's the unofficial career choice he's made. All in all, we are both happy with the jobs we have in Richmond, and they are adding to the career we want to live off of.

but there is a part of us both that is unhappy.....i can feel it. ryan has told me how he sometimes thinks, we should have moved to CA. honestly, the scary, what-if part of me thinks, "what if we never have another chance?" i can't save money the way i was saving last year. the only thing i could think of is to sell most of our furniture, sell my car, & then drive to CA with no real plan. crazy kids do it every day, & we have friends & family who i know would help us.

our lease is up in January, but something tells me it won't happen. i want this job on my resume for as long as possible....2 years is better than 1. it's just such a hard thing to wrestle with. i have the craziest mind, where i will think things like, "what if the state of California separates from the U.S. and sinks before i can get out there?" & the intelligent response to that is, "well, you dodged a bullet then, didn't you???"

its just something i feel in my bones, i need to see palm trees in my window. i need the breeze, the beaches, the medical marijuana even. (haha) i'm going out there end of september where i want to plan even more, though i don't really know what i'd do. its so hard to plan anything when its all so precarious. it would be easier if i wasn't tied to my possessions. not all of them, but i need my kitchen stuff. i need my wand collection, it has become a work of art in itself. we could get rid of the mattress, & keep the bed frame (it folds up). this feels like when we thought we were moving all over again, counting every item & wondering if it will fit.

its not easy being on the other side of the country. all i know is we will make it out there someday.


tick tock
Oof. I went to check out my friends page and an empty cardboard box stared back at me. too bad....i needed a distraction.

every once in a while, i find myself getting really depressed about life. now, mind you, i'm not in a bad place - i have a long term relationship with a boy i call hubby, a creative job, a pretty nice house, and family and friends who love me. sure.
the sad side to all that is i'm not making nearly as much money as i need. in fact, here's some scary math for you: i make less money than i owe a month. with savings, this has not yet caught up with me but i'm afraid what the 2nd half of this year is going to look like. i also wish that i was more motivated to do the things i want to do instead of falling into the tv trap again and again. & then there's ryan.

we argue, so what? its normal for 2 people who see each other every day for hours at a time to argue. but its so draining when it happens and it makes me emotionally overwhelmed. its always a misunderstanding, and more often than not, he approaches me later with an apology. lately, i don't know if its more because he thinks i was right or because he wants to move on. i'm too damn stubborn to do the same.

&....i am on an island. i have said this before, but its more real this time. i have to travel to see a friend, or they have to travel to see me. i accept the move i made, but now i feel the pressure to make friends in Richmond. and i don't even care about doing that. i've never been a big fan of selling myself because i'd rather be alone than try that hard. this should be the time i'm making videos, writing stories or working more on ryan & i's "band." (in the works). but then i just think "fuck it" & lay on the couch watching Bones.
i want to be great. right now all i have is laziness. i just watched Inception again on my birthday, and i don't want to be "an old [wo]man, filled with regret"......i guess my pain sort of motivates me.

I AM going to finish the song I started writing.

I AM going to shoot the script I wrote before Earth Day.

I AM going to think of a new idea for a short story.

even though when i get home, I AM also going to watch Bones and eat bruschetta. :)


i'll make this short
i love my adult friend jessica, & her amazing strength. jessica - you constantly impress me with your maturity......i feel like a child most of the time, & maybe you do too - but you are great at fooling me. now that i live 30 minutes closer i want to see you more!!!!!!!!!!

& everyone else is cool too.


fuck you
i have been spending up a storm wardrobe has suffered for too long, & i was sick of looking at the same old shit. i've got the money, & i'm still saving a good amount too....i'll have at least $5K going into ca.

i found cute "only $30!" target nude wedges in redbook & i was in love. & then said 'this item is sold out' and didn't tell me what to do about that! i like sites that can put you on a wait list so when they are back in stock, they contact you...but i guess target doesn't have time for niceties like that.

speaking of niceties, if you've never shopped, do it. doit. they are by far the best experience i've had with online clothes shopping...its a little on the expensive side, but they sent me all this free stuff with my order, their items have user reviews right under the item...& they deliver within the week!

i love cute stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Collapse )

bitches & drag queens
man, fuck that dress, i couldn't even fit into it. god, you don't know how i suffered for that dress. i was even planning on getting it altered, but in the end i decided it wasn't worth it. i was so sad when i returned it :(

in other news, my halloween costume is slowly coming together, which excites me. i actually had the idea to make my costume this year so i don't spend $50 on something i will most likely never wear again. i'm going to be a drag queen! ;) i already bought the wig, and i'm adding sequins and glitter to a dress my mom gave me a long time ago from some old halloween costume. all i need to get is fake nails...maybe some fake eyelashes, and i will be set! i love halloween.

anyways, so as some of you may know, i have had the same job for over 3 years. my job has its ins and outs - most recently they hired another "me", who acts sort of as my assistant. She's 23 and we get along well....its always nice to have someone in my corner, and this time she's actually my age! of course, i still have some of the same asshole co-workers, including a girl i will call D, who seriously drives me nuts sometimes. she will refuse to take responsibility for anything that goes wrong, even to the bitter end! read below & hopefully you can follow.

On Aug 30, 2010, at 12:22 PM, D wrote:

Is the following url available for Park Potomac - www.Park Potomac

~ D

On Aug 30, 2010, at 12:26 PM, Maddy (my assistant) wrote:

Park Potomac is available for purchase. Would you like me to buy it (and set it up to track something)?


On Aug 30, 2010, at 12:33 PM, D wrote:

yes please purchase and you can add to media tracking as:

Park Potomac Concert Series Landing Page

Thanks ~ D

On Aug 30, 2010, at 1:27 PM, Maddy wrote:

The URL has been purchased.

Where is this URL going to be used? We are trying to determine what the redirect should be.


On Aug 30, 2010, at 1:29 PM, D wrote:

It will be used on signage and print materials as the landing page for these concerts. something brand new we will be creating.

~ D

On Aug 30, 2010, at 1:36 PM, Maddy wrote:

If this site is intended to be the landing page itself, we can't use it for Media Tracking purposes (since there is nothing to redirect to).


On Aug 30, 2010, at 1:41 PM, D wrote:

ok no worries


On Sep 21, 2010, at 10:45 AM, Maddy wrote: (SENT THE ABOVE EMAILS TO ME, D, & MY BOSS)

Here is the original request.


On Sep 21, 2010, 12:09 PM, D wrote:

yeah I know when I put this into production that I told Casey this was in place of the original landing page but guess it wasn't discussed about the url used - at least this is something that we internally figured out and not from the client. let's just move forward - I don't have time to search through any papers or emails to prove otherwise and I'm not trying to point fingers, just wanted to figure out what might have been the crack.

~ D

I don't have time to search through papers or emails to prove otherwise and I'm not trying to point fingers????? That doesn't even make sense.
Seriously, bitch rubs me the wrong way. If I lived in a comic book, she would be my sworn enemy. I would have to fight my boss, the vp of our sister company, the owner of the company, and then D before I could move to California. Evillllllllll!


color & snazz
i'm getting new purple glasses! snazzy! & i bought a new party dress! its colorful and puffs out and was a little expensive but i wanted it so bad! told me there was only 1 left so i buckled, & now i can't wait to get it. & hide the price tag from ryan...haha, we are already married!

a co-worker sent this "funny" email out, & i found that while reading it i was responding "yeah, yeah, o man, i know how that is!" so i wanted to share...or just keep it for myself, as a record on the very serious lj. notice how they never delete a single entry...i could go back & read my trials & tribulations with i before we even started dating!
i deleted the ones i didn't agree with, so all you have are the inner workings of my mind, written by somebody else...

• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

• I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....

• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.


my last post was via the ljapp that i just downloaded to my iPod. you can only post, but i thought it would make it easy to post at home when i'm feeling bored & lazy.

right before i posted that, i was trying to download it, and my iPod kept asking me to verify my billing info. whenever i would get to County, it would say Prince William. I would tap Next. Prince William would disappear so I would select "Prince William" and click Next. Prince William would disappear again. I was yelling and mumbling and my voice was getting that cry whine to it, and ryan was yelling "calm down, whats the problem?!"

so i finally got around it by verifying through my laptop - no issues there. it downloaded fine, and i opened it to write a post. it took me forever to write a paragraph because i hate touch screen keyboards. i grow my nails long, and iPod wants them short. i wrote several funny things, and then the screen got stuck. it asked me a question my stressed mind didn't understand and then i pushed the wrong button, which caused all my anecdotes to be erased. i screamed, threw my iPod against a wall and started crying.

ryan was shocked that i threw it...i was a little shocked too. but i have been having nothing but problems since i updated to IOS 4.0 (as the kids call it) and my lovable iPod was becoming my enemy iPod. & i'm pretty sure i love to cry. i like to let it all out...i think i bottle stress like cherry Pepsi, because if i don't cry for a few days, i can feel it creeping into every emotion. sleeve = heart.

ryan pointed out to me once that it sounded like i had been teased a lot as a child, by friends. & that's when i realized i had been, by friends who i deemed "best" no less, and that was why i'm always ready to pounce. i've been called defensive more than once, and i hate it. but i also hate it when people discover something about me and then laugh at it. i suppose it is true, that the toughest exteriors are to protect the most sensitive insides. like bullies and all their problems.

i want to get better with age, not continue bad habits so i eventually become too crazed and insane to be loved. i hate ruts, and my life is full of them.

btw, i have invented a new pen name based on my character and the story topics i tend to gravitate to.

feisty fatale, or feisty for short. i am desperate for feedback, though afraid of it at the same time. i think i'm good and ryan says i am, but both of those people are so very very biased.


Wave of the future

I just cut my right thumbnail so i could type faster on my ipod. Even though its been acting rather buggy since i updated to 4.0. Goddamn, sometimes i hate this digital age.
...gotta go, its Fright Night time!


Posted via


it doesn't get much better than this
i will never be a great artist because i have an unsteady hand. i can never draw a character the same more than once. i would like to think my special brand of drawing will still be admired, but i'm never right about those things. the worst thing i could probably say about my life is i have no idea what i want my career to be. i love to write, and would believe in god if it meant i could just be a writer and live off that. but then, i don't think i'm much good at that either. so much for confidence, eh?

other than that, i am pretty happy. i got a raise at work, which will make it slightly easier to save money and pay off my credit card bills. ryan is the love of my life, and i tell him many times how closely he resembles the perfect guy list in my mind. the best thing about him is how well we fit, like puzzle pieces, and how much he adores me. everything i do is cute to him. the worst thing about him is how good he is at music, because he has been doing it forever and it reminds me that i never focused on anything.

i suppose all this me bashing has come from the year's obsession; my life change at the end of november. thinking about getting a job in california, and it always comes back to my retched "experience;" looking up clerical jobs, secretarial, administration, and anything that asks you know Microsoft Office and can type fast. the problem is, i'm almost 26 and this is the base i'm standing on. its a life base i don't want and am scared to death i will end up with, just like my mother. i think moving to the l.a. area will put me in a different place, but it won't. i'm still only experienced in one thing: OFFICE.

sometimes i think about something outrageous, like some kind of performer. i make jokes all the time, and make people laugh...ryan always talks about my future stand up career (like i could ever get away with that!). i will say things, and he will jump on them, insisting that go in my "act." we also have an unofficial band, where i sing & he plays acoustic guitar and sings. its all covers, we don't really have a name, and i insist if we ever perform that it be on a random street corner. i'm too shy to ever indulge in this, so i'm back to having nothing.

ian messaged me on facebook letting me know that last night he had a dream we were making out..."very soft." it creeps me out & amuses me at the same this normal? he's the only ex i have, and being cordial is one thing, but if this was turned around, i would never tell him about it. its weird to me, and i don't think ryan would appreciate it (he has announced at one point, "I hate all guys named ian!" when someone else had mentioned another ian), so i had to tell someone. or something. thanks livejournal for being the inanimate object i can talk to and not feel crazy.


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