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Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
6:59 pm - Exist To Exit
You know, I am so fucking pissed off. My blood is boiling and my head is whirling with rage.
That poxy little shop annoys me so fucking much. And this bastard street.

So, yesterday, we had the usual parade of arse holes in the street, throwing snowballs at the windows, hurling abuse at my parents. They hit my Dad in the face with a snowball, so he gave chase but the little shit had a head start due to our front gate being a bastard. Called the police, and they've still not taken any interest.
Those are the arse holes that kick peoples cars for no reason and burn anything they find in the back lane.

So, work. We had the usual array of drunken arse holes in trying to be clever, Steve decided to offload all of his jobs onto us, and then when i finally got a break, he was fluttering around me when I'm trying to relax. "Can you just count this, and this and sign this?" How about no? this afternoon was a fucking nightmare. I swept the shop, and my God, whoever usually sweeps the floor needs a lesson in hygene. There was still salt on the floor from when we had snow last week!! The mats were pitted with dust, dirt and salt. I shook them outside, as we're supposed to do every afternoon, and there was dust everywhere, all over my clothing, my tabbard, in my hair, there was even a thick layer of the shit on the inside of my glasses. Whoever usually sweeps up needs to learn how to push down with the sweeping brush so it actually moves the dirt, not just unsettles it. A sweeping brush is a tool used to aid sweeping up, it's the person who actually sweeps up. Then mopping the floor, Jesus Christ.... Whoever mops up can't rinse a bastard mop out. Clean water and floor cleaner was Ok, but the mop was a disgrace, it left dirty streaks everywhere and it took me ages to get it clean.
Next we have a shop lifter! The bastard got fucking lippy and was almost getting violent when told to leave the shop. I'm sick and tired of that fucking place. I'm sick and tired of every fucking where! You aren't safe at work, and you aren't safe in your own home....
What the fuck can we do though? We're expected to leave everything to the police, but they don't do anything. MEH!

Well, one good thing that happened today was that this guy came into the shop. Black hair, tight pants, eyeliner, oooh, he awakened in me something I've not felt for a long time, he definately reached out and touched a carnal urge... I had a hard time working for the next hour or so.... Let's just say, if I were a guy, I would have had the hugest errection in history!

Also, I had a strange dream last night. I was in a school, an all girls school, Catholic I think. Everything was white, the walls, floors, ceilings, the works. Something was chasing me, it was big, and black, and evil. It had red eyes and fiery breath. It chased me outside, through some woods that were dark an eerie, reminded me of the woods in Sleepy Hollow (Christina Ricci, yum!), and there were tree roots everywhere. I tripped over and couldn't get back up. I lay there and just opened my legs ready for the evil to take me. Strangely, I woke up wanting that evil more than I have ever wanted anything before... Just wanting...Lusting...
I think I'm corrupt.


current mood: infuriated
{*Thrash~Pop*} {*8 Neon~Punks*}
Monday, March 1st, 2004
6:39 pm - Throught the maw of the wanton a carriage was drawn
Well, I've had an interested weekend. Adam and I make a right pair. He had a depressive moment on Sunday. We were in his room dancing to a Cd I had, and he started crying. I comforted him and talked to him, and he told me that he feels old, and the only thing in his life worth living for is me. He knows what the doctor told me in my letter, which I haven't actually updated about. He know's I'm in the "borderline depressive" stage, and he hates it. He hates the part where he has to leave me and he can't be there to pick up my broken pieces. Today, Adam found my razors. He threw them out. I'm embarassed to say that I actually went looking for them, but I can't find them. I'm sure that Adam understands what is actually going on inside my head, but that's not importent, because I don't know either.
I have a lovely lie in tomorrow. The delivery will be a day late, so I'm working from 11 until 530 tomorrow, instead of 830 til 530.
It's terrible at the moment. Steve's in a flap, and Jenny is reallt irrate, £50 cash has gone missing. It's when they come up to you and say this and you don't know what to say. You just stand there and kinda go "Oh..." and look away. I just know it's going to come down to each employee being talked to and questionned. They're probably going to connect the camera's again. I don't mind this, because I don't have anything to hide, but I've become close to everyone I'm working with, and it's going to be terrible when they find out who it is. They may already have the camera's in, they'll have me wiping my nose on my tabard *blushes* lol, oh well!

I was going to Berlins tongiht, but I really don't want to now. It seems everyone'e moved on and stuff....

Oh yeah, that letter from the Doctor, I have borderline bipolar disorder. Another label, yet no closer to being any better.

I was watching Charlies Angels II this afternoon, man I fucking love Drew Barrymore!


current mood: indescribable
Friday, February 27th, 2004
7:29 pm - My man.My love...My unicorn
I feel awful. I have no appetite whatsoever and I forced myself to eat tonight, I just feel so sick.
I got my new shoes today and I haven't taken them off yet. I've spent my energy by jumping about in my new shoes for 5 minutes, just to test them. I'm extremely lethargic now. It's taken 15 minutes to type these few lines so far.
Adam invited me out for a meal tomorrow night, but he took back the invitation cos I finish at 430, and I won't get to his house until 630. I don't know what to do tonight, I can't be arsed to go to bed, I can't be arsed to stay here. I just want to go to that plane of non-existance.

I've found that the more I hide my true feelings, the more I force a smile to cover my depression, the more lethargic I get.


current mood: drained
3:03 pm - Wibble
I just had one hell of a temper tantrum, and it was all over nothing. There was pieces of my bedroom door all over the landing and all down the stairs.

I got my new t-shirt and my new shoes! Me like.

Fuck it, I'm depressed.

Thursday, February 26th, 2004
11:05 pm
Work tomorrow, pay day eventually. I've got my eye on a pair of shoes in top shop. I only need like £5 more to get them. I am in a total punk phase now. I've got posters of the Distillers, my new album is the Rocky Horror Punk Show!!!
I'm thinking about getting a new tattoo too. Failing that, a new outfit. Something punk. Maybe short, tight and leather.

8:24 pm
I need punk music, lots and lots of punk.
3:24 pm - Red Carpet and Rebellion
I'm in a punk kinda mood of late. A bit happier, but not outta this dark phase. God it sucks.
The only interesting thing I've done today was go to the post office, well run to the post office and run back. It was absolutely freezing. I posted some Cd's off to antium from Metal Hammer who I'm trading with.
I want something, but I don't know what I want. It's weird, cos I don't know if I want food or a drink, or the toilet, or even a new Cd or something, I just know I want something and I'm supposed to get it... Oh well, I'm gonna go on Suprnova in a minute and get a new album or two. Something punk.
I've lost weight in the past couple of days, which is a shocker for me, I'm now 9 stone, that's it. No more no less. It's the lowest I've ever been when I'm not ill. When I was ill it was close to 7 stone. I just don't have an appetite at the moment, I can't eat a full meal, and I don't even have cravings for snacks or chocolate. I've been drinking Lucozade water stuff instead of coke, and I've been eating this new Special K type stuff for breakfast. I've even cut down on the amount of sugar in my cups of tea. Yeah, this sounds like the good start of a diet, but the problem is that none of this is intentional. The Special K thing, well, I prefer the taste of this to other cereals... Don't look a gift horse in the mouth and all that.
Fuck, Angelina Jolie and Brody Dalle used to cut....

current mood: crappy
Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
5:15 pm - Suffer for my latest sin, destroy all memory of me.
Forgive me preacher, for I have sinned. Drunk with Sin. This is my dark phase. I am dark, deep, depressed. Bleed black. There's a devil in my bed with me.

Today and last night have been my torture, my torment. It came to me. Here it stays. Forever amen.

I don't know what to say that isn't too much of a cry for help. I don't want help. Don't want help. Don't touch me please. All I wanna do is sleep.

The Dark Phase is my depression, my suprisingly strong and violent anger tantrums, I shoot to kill. I am lethargy and prolonged sulking. Moody, mopey. Filled with anger.
Just a couple of days ago I was in my Light phase. Full of life, happy, content, maybe a little too hyperactive. such an extreme opposite of now. I am Erlandsson. I don't pray that way.

I want to hide from the world. I want to stay in my room in the dark. I have no energy. I have no appetite. I have no life. I am drained. I am bled dry. I am tainted. Is this what you call God? My tangled hair will leave a web of blasphemy...

CUT to the chaseCollapse )

My mum once saw a cut on my arm. It was an accident, but she said "have you been scraping yourself? Well, don't it's silly". That was a long time ago. I've not forgotton. So emotionless, un-caring.

I know I'll die at my own hand.

You know you'll look better when I cannot see you. You look so cheap. Close your eyes.
My revenge on you will not kill you, it will make you want to kill yourself.

Saturday, February 21st, 2004
8:37 pm - Fuck biscuits
I have not been here for absolutely ages. I can't believe these things don't have some kind of expiry shit on them.
God I am so bored tonight. I'm tired, but restless if that makes any sense at all! Besides, I'm waiting for Adam to come back online.
Tomorrow is going to be so cool. I can spend as long as I want in bed, NO 4:30am wake up call, then doze off again in the bath!!!
I'm fucking ill again. GAY. My ulcerative colitis is flaring up in bits so I'm going back on that mesalazine stuff, and I'm back on ferrous Sulphate. My turd has turned black once again. Fuck biscuits. I'm also on anti-biotics for some kind of gay throat infection, and extreme pain killers for extreme period pains. Adam saw the worst of it on Thursday, God that was terrible. I swear to God, if you listen carefully you can hear me rattle as I move. Call me Farmer. Farmer C. Baddum tsh.
Just watched Charmed. Some little shit killed Leo a couple of weeks ago, and just as your fucking intrigued as to how they could kill one of the main characters of (Pre excluded) they show repeats of the old bastard series. I tuned in last week and saw Prue and I was like "What the Fuck??"
Sharon's getting wrong at work. She's been off for absolutely ages. She said she was going on the sick cos she had cancer in her womb and she had to go to hospital, then she ad recovery time, then she was asked to get a doctors certificate to say that she's been off ill, and that she is now fit to work. We have seen no such thing. We keep asking her and asking her, but she's just not doing it. Without the sick note thing, she's not getting any money at all, and we're starting to wonder if she has actually been to hospital in the first place. Oh well. Failed.
When Jenny's off for Maternity leave, I'll be senior sales assistant, and I won't have to start work until 11am! Excellent!!
Fucking hell! I hjust got a virus, luckily Norton denied access to it.

Bah, I'm bored, tired and in pain.
Adam just signed in!!! Yay!

current mood: cranky
Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
4:37 pm - Triple Corpse! Hammer blow!
Today was pretty boring. I started work later than usual, and when I got in there was a delivery, so the morning did go pretty fast. I was feeling pretty ditzy and clumsy today.
I decided during a boring quiet period that I need to start looking after my body and my health. I'm going to try and eliminate junk food, and get a regular cleaning routine to try and rid myself of the horrible skin on my feet. I need to try and exercise too, just to try and lose a bit of flab and get toned.
Vicki is much too bold for my liking right now. I don't know why I feel this way, just she's talking really openly about her life and Alex. In two minds exzisting simultaneously, I both don't want to know, and I am too nosey that I want to know it all. Maybe it's just cos I'm missing her? I only ever see her at work now.
Right now I'm burning Cd's and relaxing. I'm looking forward to when my father comes home, because it will be soon dinner time! My mum's cooked my favourite, Roast Chicken dinner with loads of veg! Yummy! I'm definately looking forward to it, I've starved myself since 11 o clock just to make room for it all!
I have just managed to remind myself to ask Adam tonight if he'd like to go and see Surferosa on the 11th Feb. 11th Feb! If you're available, O mysterious stranger reading my journal, make sure you're there! I really hope Surferosa make it big. I want to see them have a long and succesful career. I am really interested to know what a band in their line of music would do!
I bought some coasters today! They have 50's pin=up models on them. I love all that retro stuff!


current mood: ditzy
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