i just got back from otown with sean. denny's is god. true story. uhm. yea so. im feeling pretty good. warching a lot of red vs blue which is enough to warp anyone's mind.. my hair is quite large today. one of my kitties hasnt been home in over a day.. im starting to get a bit nervous. on a brighter note my skin is starting to clear back up.. go figure.. well i forgot i was updating because.. well. tucker did it.
"And I dreamt your true name in a langauge worn smooth and clean as stones in a dry riverbed. Follow it back to me. I want to feel your handprints on my skin, your teeth in my hair. I want the dark cloud of memory to open - release the perfect syllables of your birth." Deborah Miranda
by the way its not to be interpretted sexually.. it uses sexual language to make clear how deep the connection is..
because i guess most people dont get that there are a lot more meaningful things than sex in this life.
im bouncing back and forth between being really happy and miserable.
okay, well. i got accepted to SUCO as a bio major. i want to cry. im really fucking torn apart on this one. what if im not smart enough? what if i cant pass physics and chemistry? how far can i really go without being good in math? and i have to move, find a roomate, and a new job by august 23rd. im so fucking scared. i dont want to. i want to lock myself up in a cave. but how can i not go? how can i let everyone down? it would be such an erika thing to do to get accepted to the program shes been dreaming of and then not go.
i called my dad and left a message with the news and he hasnt even called me back. i know he doesnt really approve of me going into science.. but i worked really hard.. and its not like delhi where they take anyone.. i thought just maybe he would be proud of me. bah. now im sitting in an empty (thank god) comp lab crying.
why the fuck am i sad? i should be so happy. this is what i wanted. i just wish i could fucking make him give a shit. i wish i could take things as they come. anyway. computer lab has people and erika does not want to be lame. and ive managed to piss off a bunch of my friends without meaning to. i dont know what the fuck people want from me. i mean, i must be being a dick but i dont understand how. and people are always quick to yell at me and slow to explain why.
however, besides my little freak out today ive been pretty happy.. getting a little cranky off and on from all the shit on my mind. i cant fucking help it. i feel like fucking everything up so i dont have to go. i dont know. but isnt that what they'd expect? but why the fuck do i give a shit what everyone else expects of me. i dont even know what i want. i want to move out of hobart. and i want to get a new job. and i want to scream.
im actually at my own house. it feels so nice to be alone. tomorrow im staying out in delhi and i think i actually have plans for the entire weekend. very odd. i love actually being able to hang out now. tonight is just a nice boring night. im a tiny bit more introverted than extroverted so i need my alone time every few days or i start to act a little cranky.
im really fucked up right now. and it feels like my cervix is trying to thrash its way out my ass.
thought i should share.
p.s. dear reproductive organs, you fucking irritate me. you wont fucking expel your nutrienty clotty doom, but you'll give me assthrashing cramps? that is just fucking unnecessary. quit your shit or i'll take a fucking red hot poker to you bitches.