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back at uni 14th Oct, 2008 @ 12:23
And so life progresses as it always does.
for some reason live journal is giving me this weird comfort that it hasn't done in a while.

One of my friends at uni is going through a lot of shit and it all smells a bit familiar to me. I hate that i've become so passive to other peoples woes already. but there you go such is life. and she keeps telling me i'm angry at her. which i'm not i'm just not fawning over her problems like everyone else who knows. she's just as awesome as she always was i don't feel the need to suddenly pity her.

I'm ill. one of my housemates caught a cold and a lung infection from her ward and is successfully giving it to the whole house. so that's fun. still it means i have a good excuse to miss the massive pubcrawl tonight, which although fun in absurdly expensive.

I went out in town with becca the other night. it was so much fun. i forgot what an amazing freak that girl was. it was kinda upsetting through: like 20 people said they'd come and there were 3 of us, and she'd come all the way from bristol!!!! still it was a good night, so nice to be away from uni people.

that sounds really bad. i do love uni people. but they're either too observent or not enough. they notice when you're a bit down and give you worried looks all day which is really annoying but they don't notice when you just want to be left alone. I feel like i'm the only person who just deals with their problems and moves on. that's harsh and untrue but it's still what it feels like. everyone else seems to sit stagnant and worry about their problems. My new philosophy is if it can't be fixed ignore it and eventually the problem or that feeling will disappear. maybe it's not new. it's very similar to the old philosophy of by pretending enough you forget you're pretending and you just are what you're pretending to be.

Work is a bit tragic. It's all interesting and i'm actually going to lectures but we have no internet which makes the amount of effort involved in doing your own private study increase ten fold. I'm just promising myself that as soon as their is internet i'll catch up with it all and work hard.

I'm generally in a happier place now but just feel completely drained of everything. It's like i don't have the will in me to be sad or annoyed or angry any more. it's just easier to be completely neutral. like my bodies given up trying. It's quite nice. i hope it lasts.

28th Sep, 2008 @ 18:05
So its been a while.
I only seem to post when i'm feeling sorry for myself, i apologise for that already.

So i just got back from a manic summer. First i went to Madiera with parents and then i went on a mammoth tour of morocco and europe with people from europe.
The whole holiday has been amazing but now it's over i keep mulling over everything the whole time. and because it was so awesome i really don't want to go back to uni.

Im really not sure i can cope with it. and it's for no particular reason. It's just that i'm really going to have to knuckle down this year and actually do some work. And ... i can't explain it ... i dont think that i'm capable of what i've always thought i was capable of and it's like now is the time to proove it one way or another and i'm not sure i want to find out. I've just lost all confidence in my academic ability.

Plus this holiday made me see just how much there was i don't know about everyone and i dont know about them. and we are all good friends still but i feel really strange now. like i don't know what to expect. its just so much easier when people were there for events rather than having to explain why you feel the way you do about things. It's becoming easier just not to say what you feel like then you don't get questioned.

On top of that the end of last term was really strange. A lot of things happened, not all of them good, and it sort of overwhelmed me. and this is really silly and arbitrary but everyone coupled off. and i think this year is going to be filled with a lot of people in happy coupledom, or in not so happy coupledom, and i'll have to listen to the trial and tribulations of it all and i'm not sure i can put up with it; cause i don't have anyone. its really stupid. i'm angry at myself because i don't want anyone, but i want to want someone. so i keep fixating on random people, which is going to be dangerous. i can feel it happening and i don't like it. Plus Emma decides that now is the time to move to london so keeps ringing to see if i wanna come for a drink. and i don't actually know if i like her that much. and she's only here for 6 months so i'm not sure i want to like her very much. GRRAHH!!!! i'm such a loser.
And then of course its october and so it's a bad month. it's been 5 years now, you'd think i'd be used to it by now but at the end of every september it's the same; it takes me off guard how much i miss Lee. So i'm feeling super uncertain about relationships and life in general.

So generally just feeling a bit down and fed up and (for want of a better word) scared.

On the plus side of things though.
i got the special study module i wanted. I'm studying acupuncture which means i get to learn how to do it, have it done, and learn how it works which is cool. although it does mean getting up to camden once a week which is (a) money and (b)effort.
and seeing people again is nice.
and rosie has moved to north london so shes only an hour or so away. yay!!

right i'm gonna go and sleep and hide from the world for a bit.

2nd Dec, 2007 @ 23:10
I think i've turned into a whore.
I'm not really sure when it happened, but it deffinatly has. And what worries me most about this situation is that i don't care all that much. Obviously i'd prefer not to be. I'd prefer to be in love and to snuggle up to someone. but being a whore is preferable to being alone constantly... well that's depressing.

The reason i bring this up is that today i got a call from Emma (as in Easter holiday emma) at about 2 saying her flight got laid over and that she'd be in the country for about 5 hours and that she could be in 20min if i could.
So i went and it was fun.
... I really don't think international bootycalls are normal ...

heyho i wasn't doing anything else. should probably have done some work today... huh, yeah never come to see me as a doctor i didn't do any work at uni.

hmmmm... me go sleep now. See you all soon.

11th Nov, 2007 @ 23:35
It's been a while. uni is so hectic. and i am reading everyones posts but i either have nothing to say or no time to say it. sometimes both.

Uni's getting a bit strange now. maybe i'm overthinking it. or maybe i'm just hormonal or emotional or something. but it often feels like people are doing stuff without me. And its silly cause i know that even though they are doing things without me it's not cause they want to be without me its cause they want to do the stuff. if htat made any sense. It's just stuff like discussing houses next year and the people who now i would probably consider sharing with are all teamed up and saying they're going to live together. it doesn't really bother me cause i'm almost certain it'll change by next year but it does irritate me that i can't join in the conversation - if you see what i mean. omg i sound so teenage. but there it is.
I also started missing home. not really home home cause i'm quite happy here but i just miss people who i was properly friends with - like people who really knew me and i didn't really have to explain myself to. and i really missed my mum on friday but i think that was just cause i was ill and chucking everywhere and no matter how old you are when your ill you want your mummy.

But even that isn't what is bothering me. what is bothering me is really stupid.
There's this guy i know and think is the most lovely wonderful person ever (and i think that he's really pretty and i thought it was really obvious but aparently i'm weird in finding him attractive)
Anyway, he's gay. well he says he's bi but i'm fairly sure he's gay because he's comletely hung up on this guy he slept with who now has a boyfriend and he blatently looks at men more than women and he wants a relationship with men and just fucking with girls AND the only reason he says he's bi is that he thinks homosexuality is wrong.
Now this guy is a complete mess - well at least he thinks he is. cause he's 20 and he claims he doesn't know what he wants in life and what he wants to do etc. but i still can't fathom how he thinks that he's unnatural and wrong. It just doesn't make sense to me. I mean everyone had that moment when they worked out that they liked the same sex that "omg am i normal? what the fuck? why me? what the hell is wrong with me?" but i could never feel i was unnatural. and it really upsets me to think that he's so unhappy about this - don't get me wrong he doesn't seem unhappy a lot of the time but i get the feeling it really bugs him. What's worse is that the only time he talks about it is when we're alone and drunk and to be honest when he's drunk i normally am and you know what i'm like drunk - not vvery helpful about anything.

At anyrate. It's not even that that bugs me - it bugs me that it bugs me. Why is it any of my business? God i'm so nosey. why do i have to ponder otehr people's issues? i do have my own - like the fact that i'm either a whore or alone. but the fact that he thinks that about himself really upsets me. cause he shouldn't. because he's lovely and one of the nicest people i've ever met and it's silly and the world sucks ass.

people suck.
that is my conclusion.

Other than that though life is wonderful and amazing as ever. work is hard but owrth it. i can't do imaging though so i'll have to go to Africa or somewhere where they can't afford xrays and MRIs.

yeah so now that's all off my chest.

5th Oct, 2007 @ 00:25
I have flu. which is not all that suprising if you consider the weakened state of my body the last few weeks.

So its freshers fortnight but what they dont tell you till you get here is that lectures run all the way through freshers. So first two nights were the weekend and fun down the pub and the SU. Then monday enrollment when they steal your blood and make you pay them. but also freshers fair and i am actually on every mailing list. In the evening though it was a Flourescent party and watching Uni challenge (first time we were on tv w00t!!). It's just so much fun. Cause Georges is so small all the higher years get to know you as well.
Then tuesday family quiz night. which was a little dull untill the challenge section and cause i'm the youngest in my family i had to do it which is like 4 strawpeedos. my liver is going to start aching soon.
Then Wednesday it was meant to be sports tryouts but i just curled up in bed. I missed the social in the eve as well - but my flat mate went paralytic cause she drank so much and then didn't respond and they couldn't find a pulse so she had to be in A&E till like 4 in the morning. Luckily our SU is actually in the hospital. Apparently all of the older years seemed to think it quite a normal occurance.
Tonight a couple of us just sat in the common room with takeaway. everyone else went to the multicultural dinner but we couldn't be arsed.
tomorrows Toga&Tequila party which should be good, but i think body shots sound a bit frightening.
Also a little frightened as all my family say that here it doesn't ease up after freshers - it is a constant drink and work athon. still it's all good at the moment just wish my flu would go away.
Also have to do some work. This whole term is like self assessment and then in Feb they actually assess us which i may fail. still at least the work is interesting, it's just finding the time to do it between being plastered and being ill.

Hope you all are having as much fun as me :D
Other entries
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So the last few days have been super fun if a little dorky.

Saturday i went into town and got a photo and wrote a check to send to st Georges for my rooms. I have a place ot live!! yay!! then i spent the day burning my school work. Which took SO long. Seriously i didn't expect it to take over an hour and it literally took 6. scary. but there was a buge pile. and i have photos of both Blake and my physics book and a couple of chemistry papers bursting into flames.

Anyway by the time i was finished Hattie had turned up and we spent ALL NIGHT watching QAF. it's SOOOO good. (see later rant in this post).

Then Saturday we went paintballing. Which was uber fun even though i cane now because i am weak and my legs aren't used to the crouch and run position. Also i had had no sleep and 5 cups of coffee so my aim was shit and i think i shot 5 people the whole day. And the boys were really frightneing as they were so trying to be hard and crude. saying stuff like "well the cunt came up to me so i shot him point blank init". yuck men.

Anyway then we came home and showered (yay!!for showers!!) and then watched all of QAF S5!!!
<b>QAF</b>Collapse )

all i have to say is YAY for QAF!!!
but sadly all over now D: now we must turn to Prison Break. Sadly i do not have Skyone.

Anyway Monday i went down to my grandads which was nice. Bit worried about him though. He's really lonely. he's really together ... i just wish he'd join a club or something.
and today i went to Grannys. Who's just come back from a fabbo time in Sidmouth, which is nice.

so i've seen rosie's slides of Mongol 3 times now. they are very good ... just not that good.

Rest of the week is spent packing me thinks. I'm off on Saturday :S
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people should not let me drink and then talk. mainly cause i don't really remember what i've said exactly but it was probably a load crap knowing how i am when i'm drunk.

anyway, reason me being drunk is prominent in my mind as i'm still feeling the after effects. not badly. but still.

So last night was reeeeeeeeally fun. Went up to london with Louise. We went to soho ... there are like no dyke clubs. and GAY is really small and a bit strange. It's lined with video screens and they had the videos of like Madona singing Evita, BillyPiper and Hairspray. very odd. and there was no one dancing just people standing watching said screens. So we only stayed there for one drink.
we then wandered around a bit more trying to find Candy Bar. eventually gave up and got a ricshaw. not that that guy knew where he was going bu we took an entertaining route round the same block 3 times. All right with me cause we kept passing the Aston vanquish which was oh so pretty (black with dark tan leather interior and mahog dash). anyway eventually got to Candy bar and it was closed .... grrr.
So basically we gave up and went to Zoo Bar. which was hillarious cause this guy kept basically humping Louise and his friend who had very perculiar dance moves. But there was this girl dancing on the bar and she was reeeeeeeeeeeally good at dancing. but she was wearing a top as a dress and very little else. At any rate then there was much drinking. and i don't think i should have had shooters. still drink is good. And my new mission in life is to make Louise like beer. it's a good drink that people should like. run away from the double vodka and coke. bleugh.
Anyway then we walked back towards Waterloo. Ate food from shop. played on swings. i like swings except mine was really squeeky.
Got train home in the morning.

Now i really must clean my room.... meh. and i have blisters, painful blisters. feel sorry for me.
but don't feel too sorry cause i have amazing friends like Hattie who will bring me pretty series of QAF and Lanu who hold Jensen Ackles videoooooos.
I love my friends. :D and their video collection XD

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I feel i should post just to get it over and done with. I probably wont very much any more as i'm going to uni soon.
The last couple of weeks have been a bit hellish though.

My nan died on the 6th September at four minutes past midnight. I was down in worthing (as i have been since my last post) and woke to hear my mum crying so i went down to comfort (cause sadly by this point it wasn't an unusual occurance so i didn't think anything of it). I got downstairs and my mum said "she's gone". I went and made tea (because that is honestly the only thing to do in that situation). Both grandad and mum were with her because it was at the switchover point of "the night shift". apparently it wasn't at all nasty she just breathed out and didn't breath in again.
We rang the night doctor to ... check. then the undertakers. all of who were very nice.
My dad managed to get to worthing from home in under an hour which is quite impressive.

Rosie came home the next day - stepping off the plane from Beijing completely clueless. mum and dad told her and she was really upset to only miss her by 12hrs. that's the way life goes i guess.

So it's all been a bit subdued in the house really. i came home to go to lana's meal - it was soooo nice to talk to people who weren't shrowded in death - which was fun. Georgia smoked SilkCut's (which is my nan's type of fag) and i wanted to punch her for being so thick, but i restrained myself.

On Wednesday was her funeral. Rosie and i spoke. managed to get through the speech without crying which is good considering i had all the hard lines like "She will be missed very much and i hope she knew how much we all loved her". But still everyone apprieciated it. I'm glad cause i was worried, especially as our speech included the poem "the computer swallowed Grandma". But people said it was nice.

And it was a nice service - the flowers people sent were beautiful. And i liked meeting all nanny's friends - all the people ive been writing emails to for her. it's good to put a face to a name.

Then mum and i hung around worthing for an extra day and a half to let grandad know we were there. but i think he needs to be alone for it to hit him properly. So we came home today.

Mum's doing really well. Obviously breaks down into tears every so often - but she's been really strong. Grandad has been amazing. Rosie mainly feels guilty for not being there i think (which she shouldn't) but is also coping. And i'm fine - although its really hit me how much i hate crying in public. like so much so that i dont do it. only my dad has seen me cry yet. there's a lot to be said for the British stiff upper lip.

At anyrate it's all been a bit doom and gloom despite our best efforts to be cheery so i'll be glad to run away and hide at uni.

Rosie went for a job interview today and got it so shes working in a lab in Cambridge which is exciting.
I went to see Atonement (which is fabulous, but i still hate Knightly) and am going to Uni for the 1st Oct and i honestly can't wait

Hopefully i'll see you all before i go. love you all.
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yes it's ridiculously early in the morning.

Well its not like i could sleep. Today and the last couple of days have been a bit of a strain.
My nanny (the one who can't breath) now really really can't breath as her hernia has expanded and so not only can she not breath but it also hurts her if you touch her - even really gently.
Im going down tomorrow. My mum went down on wednesday as she always does but nanny was so bad and grandad was so worried that they called the doctor out and mum stayed down there for the night. the next day (thursday) she was even worse so they called an ambulance to take her to hospital. they rang at 9 in the morning she got seein to at the hospital at 3. all they could do was give her stronger drugs so she's just out of it on morphine. but she doesn't like hospitals so they said since they couldn't do anything she could go home. Except there were no longer any ambulances. so they took a cab - bare in mind my nan can barely sit up let alone walk. then when they got home they didn't have paramedics to help so my 76yrold grandad who is weak anyway andhas a heart condition and my mother who has a giant hernia of her own, lifted my 14stone nanny up the stairs.and then dropped her on the top step. where she lay for about an hour trying to calm down from the shock. she then got herself into a wheelchair - lord knows how - and promply fell asleep for an hour. then finally tried to get into bed. so having left the hospital at 6 she was finally tucked up in her own bed at 12, midnight. so that's when my mum started home.

i wake up at 1 purely by chance and hear my mum is back cause i can hear her banging around down stairs. so i go down to talk to her - which she obviously really needed as we sat there until now. she had 4 glasses of whiskey, i really don't think that she can handle this pressure.

So we're talking about a hospice for nanny really. cause although i know she wants to go through the final stage at home i honestly don't think that grandad can manage.he has sundowning so when he's tired he gets confused very easily and she doesn't have the breath to explain what she needs and then he blames himself for not being able to help her and gets depressed. i don't know what he's going to do when she goes. they haven't been apart for a single night in over 30yrs now. this is eating him and i'm more worried about him than nanny. in fact it's probably bad of me but i'm concerned for grandad then my mother and then nanny. nanny is going to die soon and there's nothing we can do about that but hope that we can make it a bit more comfortable ... but grandad and mummy have to watch her die - i think that is much worse than dying. also grandad is getting so confused i dont think he's thinking about himself at all. mum said that he forgot to eat yesturday until 4 when she asked him if he'd had something.

Still we do what we can. I hope she holds on until Rosie is home.
I probably won't be around much the next couple of weeks.

Other stuff that's going on:
>Got my St Georges Freshers Fortnight pack - all looks very exciting - i'm definatly more excited than scared now.
>Jeff is a bastard and i have a feeling that he won't be speaking to me any time soon as i may have called him something a bit nasty.
>Rosie is flying back soon - she's booked a plane ticket from Bejing so she just has to get to Bejing from Ulambatar.
>Hattie leaves tomorrow for her exciting adventure into the land of anime - i don't know why but the only image of japan that comes to my head is a cartoon one of tokyo tower, anyway i hope she has fun.

yup so i'll see you all at some point but i'll probably be in worthing for the majority of the time now.
» scary pathetic fangirl post
Oh i really am a pathetic twat.


I've become addicted to QAFUS. *hangs head in shame* why do i let people drag me into these things?? WHY?? At least it's not like i have anything else to do. oh dear. my life is sad. trouble is these programmes are so cute!!!

Ok so i've already watched all of the first series - or at least asmuch as possible given my illegal routes of watching. but there's weird fun in that too, i actually get excited when i get the video i want and feel a ense of achievement if it's on Stage6 (good quality) rather than youtube (shit quality). It's all just sooooo addictive. and keeps getting better. S2 is actually making me like Brain/Justin now as well!! oh dear - sucked in. I still hate Justin - but not brian strangly, i'm liking him more and more (plus he's becoming less unattractive - nice jaw but still scary eyebrows). I love the pride episode, cracked me up and such a cute ending, awww. And the episode with David/Micheals party when they come dressed as gay stereotypes - hysterical!! It's not often you get the lines:
"I'm not into leather"
"Neither was i until i met an old classmate who took me to his dungeon and make me his pif boy"
hahaha!! so great!! I love ted. best character in it - although they all have their charms.

Why is there so much of it? i feel my life draining away - trouble is it's so happy making - it actually makes me laugh out loud and squee, when i'm by myself!!! oh dear god i need help.

But here i also must write my apology to alana for ruining her first viewing of the Justin/Brian prom dance. it is actually really sweet if you've watched the rest of S1. But personally prefer the end of the Pride episode:
"Hey stud you wanna dance, i promise you'll remember it this time" SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

seriously i've properly dorked out.

In addition to my new QAF fetish i watched all of Bob and Rose - i may have written that already. It's really good - don't like the very end though cause there's a baby and that just ruined it. But still the last scene of a series can be forgiven if the rest of it's stella.

I also read all of Eclipse in like a day. This really is true dorkville. It's the next one in the vampire series ive been reading. I still can't believe i'm reading books clasified as "young adult". It's just good. Although i didn't like the ending for Jacob. I feel something more was required. But still Edward and Bella are a sickeningly perfect couple and i love the way StephMeyer approaches sex - like "don't make it really obvious what with the kiddiness of the book; but still it's here and they're teenagers and they're meant to be in love ..." hahaha, just funny.

And Supernatural season 2 is out Sept 10th. I might have to treat myself. Owning Jensen (Dean) is just too much of a temptation. Plus i really really really wanna know what happens and the internet is pants. Isn't it interesting that you can get almost all of QAF and barely any supernatural. or dexter for that matter. The showtime website showed the first two episodes of Dexter so i watched those and i was getting into it and now all the links i can find on the internet are dead. stupid timeing.

Still there's lots of QAF to corrode my mind untill Supernatural comes out. So if you don't mind i'm off to complete S2.
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