Tags: poetry

thanks for watching as i fall

Chaotic Silence

Scrambling and falling
Ever twisting and seeping away
What is real
What is false
Where are the screams for help
Silenced

No one can hear her screams
For they're all in her head
No one can see the despair
Locked away behind a mask

Strong for others
It's all she knows
But what about herself?

'Let me out' her mind screams
'Save me from myself'
She can't ask for help
Her words come out in jumbled messes

They'd lock her away
If they knew
And that is just not an option
To lose her voice
To lose any sense she has
Sense of reality
Sense of any sort of human connection

So it's drowning in her thoughts
The uncertainties of her own mind
Screaming in silence
Not wanting to worry anyone
Because to utter a sound
Condemns her to another hell
  • Current Mood
    overwhelmed
  • Tags
foxglove_icons//some wounds never heal

Heat

Tick tock tick tock
Hear the ticking of the clock
Sounds and words of yesterday
Reverberating all around
Old and new
It doesn't matter
Music won't drown it out

Breathing hitched
Skin crawling
Always in the summer
Get away
Leave me alone
Stay in the past
I think I'm going mad

Over and over
I hear the words
Words that anger
Words that break my heart
God
I just want to sleep
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up

Tick tock tick tock
Ever ticking is the clock
The madness grows
The memories ever present
Always in summer
It was always in the heat of summer
foxglove_icons//some wounds never heal

Childhood Memories

She sits there
With her hair all up
Her make up all done
And she recalls a story

It's the story of a precocious girl
With wide blue eyes
A mess of blond hair
She wanted to save the whales
She would read up on sharks
Always questioning

Or how about the clock
And Mr.Mistoffelees
The days she'd hide and talk to him
All because she was mad at her friend

Childhood memories
Cute and innocent
And all someone else's memory
She knows they happened
But only because she's heard it repeatedly
Oh how many memories are from that or things in her own writing

Not all memories are from the words of others
Oh no
There's the moving green in the middle of the freeway
A goldfish named Josh
Safety in music

The tension
Mommy calling to say she wasn't coming home
Displacement and nothing stable

The coldness of the bathroom
Fear and uncertainty
The doorknob turning
Pain and fighting
Not knowing what or why
Never grasping

The first suicide attempt
The familiarity of saying she was fine
Just to keep from losing someone else
And always the safety of music

The memories she can recall
Without the aide of written or spoken word
The memories of her childhood
Lest likely to be spoken of
Well, maybe except Josh and music

There she sits once again
Smiling as she recalls a story
The story of a girl
Running to the shoe store
Knowing what she wants
And she knows it must have happened
She had heard the story countless times
So it must have

But the gentle turning of a music box
And real nostalgia returns
For she remembers on her own
For that was where she was safe
it all falls apart

Self Sabotage

Are we ever who we say we are
Are we ever who we want
Do we even know who we are?

I'm not as strong as I want to be
I'm not as strong as you need
Otherwise it would be so easy
Why can't it be that easy?
Other people have done it
So why can't I?

Self sabotage at it's finest
Falling into silence
Silence is safe
No it's not.
It's deafening and maddening

My mind is blank
It always does that when stressed
The proverbial 'deer caught in the headlights'
And it's not enough
Why should it be?
Perhaps that's why I'm alone in this

But I wish I could express myself
Explain why it's so hard

Don't worry, though
I'll always miss you
And I'll always feel guilty
Though I guess the guilt has always been a constant
Better to have an actual reason
As opposed to reflex with no reason at all

I know it's my fault
I accept that fact
After all...it should be so damn fucking easy
But if I can't explain the workings of my mind to myself
How can I explain it to someone else
Even when it matters the most?

The irony of life
I thought I was doing so well
But I'm just a coward
And it will never be the same
How just is that?
In trying to protect my heart
I sabotage myself
And just break it even more
thanks for watching as i fall

Hypocrite

To each their own
If it doesn't affect me
Why should I judge
When it's obviously not my place to do so

Who truly means these words?
They're impressive, at least in theory
But what about practice?
Would they ring so true
If it were one of your own?

Your words betray you
Such judgments spoken so easily
It's fine to have an opinion
But when did opinion and judgment become one?
Where did I miss the memo?

Are there levels?
Levels where judgment is fine
Choices
Opinions
Beliefs
Attributes
What is okay to judge
Where is that line drawn?

What if its your own
No longer a nameless face
But your own flesh and blood
Would you accept that difference
Or shun them for not being what you perceive as 'normal'

Would you sell them down river
All for someone else?
To find happiness at last
Would you deny your family
If they would not approve?

Where do your words end
Where do your actions begin
Do you practice what you preach
Or are you another hypocrite?
parts of me you've never seen

THe Things Left Unsaid

Over and over they play
The words that never got out
The things I wanted to say
The things I should have said
The things you said
The conversations that might have happened
Yet didn't from my fears or paranoia

They're poison
You're the poison
When did that happen?
When you were the one to go to...
How did it come to this?

I was a fool
A silly girl constantly seeking approval
Censor and lie to myself
All to avoid stepping on toes
Yet it still didn't work
What a silly girl I was

The words that were left unspoken
Screaming in my head
They're the poison
So let this be the cure
thanks for watching as i fall

On the Line

I put myself out
Knowing I'll get burned
What was I thinking?
I know you don't care
Your actions or lack there of proved that to me
Yet I still try

Over and over
Different people
Different risks
To live life
One must take a risk
To do otherwise leaves you hollow

How many times can I do this
Too many burns
And the message is received
Life isn't even half over

I say I don't care
I say I'm numb
I'm a filthy liar
I do care
I care so much it hurts
The not knowing kills me
The not understanding

What did I do?
Why do I care?
God I'm so stupid
But I won't bleed for you
I refuse to bleed for you

Break my heart
You're not the first
Nor are you the last
Hell, you aren't the only in this single day
I put myself on the line constantly
Even if I say I don't
I just never know when to give up
  • Current Mood
    numb
  • Tags
let me sing

Love

Tell me you love me
Fill my head with hopes and lies
Do you love me
Or is it merely the idea?

To love a person is to know a person
To see their imperfections
To see their weaknesses
It's more than the good
More than the strengths
Love is all encompassing

Who do you love
As you paint your pictures?
Is it the person?
Or just the idea?
The image you've painted in your mind?

Words of love are pretty
But pretty words don't always mean truth
Do I care anymore?
Or does there come a time
When caring is too tiring
And accepting is just easier?

So go ahead
Paint me your declarations
Tell me you love me
And I'll pray it's me
And not the idea to whom you speak
it all falls apart

Ragdoll of Porcelain

Cracks mar the skin
So insignificant
No one even sees

Everyday they get worse
Everyday new cracks appear
A false smile
A cruel word
Anything can trigger it

I see it in the mirror
I cover them with powder
No one needs to know
They always just leave
No, hiding it is the way

The porcelain chips
Beautiful on the outside
Hollow on the inside
Have I always bee this way?
Or is this the way they made me?

'Stitch her together again
No one will be the wiser'
Never mind the fact it is an improbable notion

A ragdoll of porcelain
thanks for watching as i fall

Insomnia

Tossing and turning
Over and over
Sleep always just out of reach
Broken images flit in and out
Garbled voices scattering words

Emotions become overbearing
Silence deafening
Clench your hands
Ignore the screams
Ignore the desires

Breathing is impossible
Paranoia or reality?
What are memories?
What are fears?

Nothing is real
Maybe this is all a dream
But how can it be a dream
If you never fall asleep?

Tossing and turning
Over and over
Maybe the dream is sleep
Maybe everything is an illusion