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want vs. need   
10:01pm 14/03/2009
mood: content
having a fabulous life right now. there is nothing dire that comes to mind on what i NEED.

everything else is a want.

i want a new bed.
i want a rug for the living room.
i want posters in my bedroom.
i want a bed frame.
i want paintings in my living room.
i want a different computer desk.
i want more kitchen towels.
i want more sprite.
i want more clothes.
i want more SHOES!

lol. see nothing dire. i am coming to be content with everything i have marterially. at least for the time being. right now i need a better job. i need more money to buy a car and go to school. those are things i NEED.

i'm calming down quite a bit. i just go with the flow. no drinking. no smoking cigarettes. eating regularly (cuz i guess it was actually becoming a problem.) i have a few good people i trust. and a few more good people that are coming back to my life. i'm excited to see how this summer goes. i just would like to have a lot of nice days at the beach and nice warm summer nights with my guy.

loving him more than ever. he makes me smile. his face is so cute! lol. i'm smushy, i know. i can't help it.

work is eh. nothing really changing. work, breathe, eat, sleep. thats my priority list. i need to get as many hours as possible. i would like to have funds for a fun summer. lol. tryin to save money. i'll do it. i swear.

bean bought me diamond earrings. :D diamonds are forever. hehe. hopefully, the next diamond i get is a nice ring. hint hint. yeah right. but it'll happen at one point.

my cousin is getting married on april 3rd. i'm so excited! it'll be in northern california. so i get a mini-vacation with my family. :) good times. i'm in the wedding. whoop whoop.

anywho. this year crazy shizz is happening. everyone is havin babies and gettin hitched. ah. i can dream, right?

one day...



Economics 101   
06:48pm 11/02/2009
mood: confused
i dunno what to write about...

first i guess i'll start with this "economic" problem the world is having.... my biggest fear.... WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS IF THIS STIMULUS SHIZZ DOESN'T WORK?! I'm seriously starting to FREAK the eff out. what will happen? so if this doesn't work, the banks don't get bailed out, consumers still aren't buying, people keep getting laid off.... are we all going to live in fucking hoovervilles and go through a whole new depression? i realllllly hope that you can save everyone Mr. Obama. PLEASE HELP!

I have an interview next monday... can you guess where??? WELLS FARGO... a bank. how are these fuckers hiring?! this is trippin me out. so we'll see how it goes. hopefully i do well.

another thing. capital one sent me this shit about my interest rate... Yeah, they're pushing it from 11% to 22%. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! my card will NEVER be paid off. anddddd hello, aren't the banks getting MILLIONS of dollars in a "bailout"? why are they jacking up our prices?! i'm soooo mad. my next 2 whole paychecks will probably go to cap1 so i can pay off my debt before this OUTRAGEOUS interest kicks in on march 14th.

why is it that as soon as i am trying to be an "adult" shit gets fucking hard?! this couldn't have happened 3 years ago when i wasn't trying to look for work. man oh man.

i'm REALLY praying that wells fargo likes me and gives me a sweet job with better pay and hours than i get right now. that would be SWEET.

blondie, help me ease my pain with your awesomness.


10:05pm 25/01/2009
mood: ecstatic
I was at jolt'n joe's with my ladies, jessica, lacey and melissa, then decided to go hang out at the charcoal house cuz that's what jess and bean wanted to do. so we get there and DOGFACE is there. EWWWW. so i maddog her and she walks away with her ugly face. so whatever, go outside, kick it with the homies... sorry if everyone is standing around me and bean, deal with it. so we're hanging out inside and she's standing like 10 feet away, so i'm talking shit loud enough for her to hear (duuuh, i'm not a bitch ass pussy, i'll talk shit to your face). so she goes to leave, but stops with just enough time for me to spit a FAT LOOGEY all over the side of her face and in her hair. OH MY GOD! it was fucking awesome. you seriously have no idea how fucking stoked i am about that. haha. so the bitch touches it and it literally looks like a fat jizz load across her face and runs away. haha. that was my invitation to finish this, since she started this whole drama thing. but she fucking ran away to the kristen's car. hahahahahahahahaha. so fucking hillarious.

i'm so pumped about that. haha. that was coming for a loooong time. i really wanted her to come back at me so i could kill her. but how pathetic that she just ran away. waaah.

oh well. good day today. i cleaned all of my pipes. they look so pretty. i got one when it was already resinated, so its cool to see what it looks like normally. its pretty with blue stripey things. hopefully it doesn't smell like resin too much in my house right now. cuz we all know that stinks.



if i were a boy, i think i could understand....   
01:47pm 23/01/2009
mood: crushed
is all of this worth the hurt that he causes me?

does he realize how much he actually hurts my feelings?

will he ever see that i cry over him all night when he doesn't come home?

does he understand that i would do anything for him?

somethings i guess we will never know...


10:47pm 15/01/2009
mood: giddy
"it still amazes me that i am in a relationship. it'll cross my mind out of no where and it just seems so foreign to me. i think about bean and i think 'holy fucking shit. this is mine. and i can't touch anyone else. weirdddd.' lol. i love it though. "

that was from January 2007. haha. now i don't even think of my life with anyone else. now it would seem foreign to be without him. i read a ton of my old entries. reading them gives me such a different perspective about my life then and now. i was reading about when we first hooked up and i was reliving the whole thing in my head. its so amazing to me that such an awesome person loves ME. he would do anything for me. and i would do the same. i can't believe we're at 2 years and 3 months... almost half way to 5 years. oh my cheese. i keep thinking about how adorable our babies are going to be and i can't imagine creating life with anyone else.

we went out to dinner tonight. and it was so romantic. he kept reaching across the table to hold my hand, and he kept telling me how beautiful i am. i don't know if i could ever show him how much he means to me. no matter how much i tell him i love him it doesn't seem like enough. it makes me cry. lol. i downloaded my future wedding song.. you know, the song that you do your dance to. its always & forever by luther vandross. i love that song. and the lyrics are so perfect for us. he melts me with a smile. i wanna spend everyday with him. even if we fight, i can't stay mad after i smoke a bowl. haha. he just completely completes me.

i'm such a cheeser. reading my old posts is making me appreciate him so much more.... SEE, journaling is a good thing! i love it. n3rds unite! i've downloaded soooo much music in the past two days. i'm surprised my computer doesn't hate me yet.

i can't wait for life to get here. i'm applying at so many different places. i need a new job asap. everywhere that is hiring is in kerny mesa and miramar. i can't drive there everyday. hell no. as soon as i get a better paying job i'm getting a car. then i can move somewhere away from gay people. i'm so pissed, diana's lameo moved right down the street from me... AWESOME. that means i get to see them at the bar and at 7-11 and every fucking place. them= dogface. BLECH! fuck fat bitches with muffintop and hpv. and i heard her nasty pubic area looks like scabies. vomit. haha. and jimmy fucked that fat bitch. grossssssssss.

anywho. i wanna move to kearny mesa/clairemont/more northish. if not there, outta state... Chicago is what i'm pushin for. but bean is like NOOOO! sooo. i dunno. we'll figure it out when the time comes... i can't even figure out how you look for apartments or anything from across the country... but i guess just my tarded brain can't comprehend certain things.

well. have a good night guys... i don't even know if anyone reads this....

3 niggggggga! SNAPPP!

10:36pm 13/01/2009
mood: nerdy
so in order to start it out...


- Work has cut my hours like none other.
     < I only have 20 hours this week. Hopefully Tawnya will give me her shift on Saturday.... Then I'll have 24.5 hours. WoW!

- I have searching the internet far AND wide for a new, better paying, FULL-TIME job.
     < If anyone has a job or a suggestion on where to look, I am open to almost anything.

- Dyed my hair... 
    < Not like you guys knew what color my hair was ANYWAYS. lol.

- I have a credit card bill due on the 26th for $124. GRRRRREAT!
    < I guess thats what I get for not paying them and my account getting over the limit. Awesome. So that'll make it under the limit. All I have to do now is pay minimum on time.

- Bean and I are doing well.
    < We're WAAAAY strapped for cash, but he gets paid Friday. He's saying it'll be at least $1000. Please, Dear God. We don't need money to spend time with eachother. We've been doing good with work and hanging out and spreading the time evenly with eachother, friends, and ourselves.

   < BOO-YA!!! I got it on my first try the day after Christmas at 8 am. It was tough draggin my ass out of bed that early, but whatevs. The only thing he said was that I need to look over my shoulder EARLIER than I was. So now I get to take the car sometimes while Bean is at work. Its a lot easier to get shit done with a car.

- My back has been hurt since 11-18-08.
   < I injured my back at work. (Yay for work-realted injuries.) I go to physical therapy every week. I do stretches and random work-outs, then my therapist massages my back. I loooove that part. She has magic fingers and she knows exactly what to do. Then she puts these magnetic things on my back, it stimulates the muscles and makes my back twitch waaaay bad, but in a good way. Then I go on my way. It definitely helps to get a massage every other day. LOVE IT.

- I am in the middle of a war with my Assisstant store manager.
  < I fucking hate this guy... He's a store manager and he has a better job to do, but instead he is insisting on opening the tills in the morning and making me run go-backs. He has the WORST attitude towards his employees. He is a gay little irish man who needs to weiner in his ass asap. I seriously don't think i could even come close to describing my hate towards this person. And the worst part is that I'm not the first or only person that has complained to my store or regional manager, and absolutly NOTHING has been done about this guy. That's fine, I'll just peace out. Have fun replacing me.

- Bean and I bought a computer for xmas.
  < Which means I will update more. Maybe even build my LJ back up. So come back and read.


p.s. who still does lj? hit me up.


06:40pm 24/10/2008
mood: content
it feels like years have past since i have written in here. well, its technically been a year +some. bean and i have an amazing apartment in la mesa near grossmont center. we're madly in love. it freaks me out sometimes, but i am SO excited to experience my life with him.

i still work at old navy, but only till nov. 11th. then i start at the hilton downtown as a front desk agent. holla! $12 an hour!!!! whoop whoop! seriously cannot wait. cuz as soon as i save $1000 i can buy a car. if i keep the bills i have now it will be a piece of cake to save that much.

ummmm... i dunno what else to say...

life is good. i've been weeding out the bad backstabbing friends. fuck all those people. especially the ones that use people and then try to say that they do everything for me. HA!

anyways. no one cares about them.

love all you guys i've missed in the past year. leave me some love.



07:05pm 08/01/2007
mood: content
i miss bean. :[ i left him yesterday around 3pm. so its been almost 28 hours and i'm already all gah.  i won't see him til friday and that's even a toss up. that sucks balllls.

today was a very odd day. i woke up to alan and mike talking about getting a sack. FUCK YES. so i woke up. watched "intervention" [best show everrrr!]. alan and mike left to go get the sack, and then they were going to come back. mike was parked in my dad's spot, and whoa look at that, my dad came home from work 5 hours early... wtf?! i'm so glad he didn't come home after alan and mike got back. we would have been posted inside the house, smokin bong loads and we would have gotten our ass' kicked to fucking tenbuktoo! he was pretty calm about mike being parked in his space, but calm for my dad isn't like the calm the rest of us know. so that was an experience. 

so alan came back, i left with him to smoke a blunt. blah blah. came home, high as fuck, did laundry, dishes and made bagel sandwiches for alan and i all at the same time. then folded laundry and read some of the grapes of wrath. all in all it was a kick back day.

so yeah.

that's all for today. no deep thoughts or anything super interesting. just kind fo a day out of the twilight zone. eerily normal.


weekend update.   
06:18pm 07/01/2007
mood: irritated

so the last time i checked i was 20.... right? 

last night i was treated like i was 8. pretty much, my phone was completely dead all day long, it died when i woke up. so i went and got my nails done with diana, and ate, and kicked it at her house for a sec. when i came home to change clothes, get my phone charger and whatnot, my dad started SCREAMING at me. telling me that i'm not responsible, that i'm selfish, and that i am a piece of shit. thats cool. he said that if i don't call him and check in that i will not be allowed to leave my house... i'd like to see you fucking try that shit. last i checked, i have no curfew and i have freedom of choice because i passed the age of 18 where you don't need a gaurdian's consent anymore. and what are you gonna do? kick me out? i'd like to see that too. then i'll just be out doing even more of what i want. hahaha. i can see what he means about me not having a job, but i had a job, its not my fault i was fired for seasonal, and i am ACTIVELY looking for a job. even when i have a job i am treated like shit. 

so when i got home today, the first thing i hear out of my dad's mouth is him yelling and cussing at denise. thats nice to come home to. and that's pretty much why i don't come home. he's an asshole and no one wants to be around him half of the time. which in turn makes him even worse to be around. and he yells at my step-mom for dumb shit. today was because he was waiting for her to get back form picking me up to start watching a movie. well, then why don't you get off your lazy ass and do it yourself? 

i honestly cannot stand him anymore. i abosutely loathe coming home. i cried at bean's house because i didn't wanna go home. then he took me to fuddruckers for lunch with all the boys and i was happy, until i got on the trolley to come home. ahjvfglyvfqebgbhn. being here just makes me want to get out. 


this weekend was good. friday was a good night with maria, diana, and kristyn. we started out at diana's, smoked a few bowls, went to por favor, drank HUGE margaritas and bomb ass food, then bought a BIG bottle of jager. went back to bean's, no one was home, drank a bit, and went to maria's homies house, got hooked up with some e, and headed back to bean's before we started rolling. got there, and about 20 minutes later peaked MASSIVELY! gooooooood roll. it wasn't intense crazy head roll, no clamping jaws, no scatter brains. it was all body fry. it was awesome. i didn't have sex though. bean and i went to bed, and he pretty much passed out as soon as we layed down. i was still rollin, so i would lay down, take a deep breath, rub my face and exhale. hahaha. repeat x 43580176738456734. i wanted to get up and kick it with all the drunk ass homies, but it was too cold. haha. it was fun. i woke up in the morning feeling like i was going to puke, but got laid instead. it was nice. :) no gnarly hang over or headache. it was great.

good weekend. minus today.

i just lost a ton of interest in this.



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by the way   
06:03pm 04/01/2007
mood: gloomy
Happy New Year everyone!

mine started out kind of stinky. i never have super good countdowns. i wish i was with bean at midnight, but oh well. and then i fought with bean yesterday. and to top it all off, I'M UNEMPLOYED... again!! i applied at costco today. i told stephen to put in a word for me, he said he would. =] hopefully i get hired. 

bean apologized to me. i went to his house to get my shit expecting him to be gone... he was there. he apologized as soon as he saw me. i apologized for being crazy. he said that i wasn't being crazy. i dunnnnno. craziness. 

its so weird being in a relationship now. i haven't been in one since i was 17! 3 freaking years! and when your 17 relationships are just a wee bit different. so this is all new to me. its also new to bean [fool hasn't had a gf since he was a junior in high school!] its so weird that i have to think of someone else. it still amazes me that i am in a relationship. it'll cross my mind out of no where and it just seems so foreign to me. i think about bean and i think "holy fucking shit. this is mine. and i can't touch anyone else. weirdddd." lol. i love it though. i love knowing that he'll listen to me and cuddle with me and that he thinks i'm so sexy. and i can't forget how much i love him in bed. holy cow! 

i woke up this am and drove over there right away. he had no idea i was coming. we had sex and took a shower. i told him that sometimes its good to fight because then you have such good make up sex. he said "we don't need to fight because we have good sex anyways." hahaha. i love it. 

at 4:50 abbi said she would come and pick me up after she was done eating. at 5:05 she said she was almost done. at 6:00 she said that we're still chillin, to give her a sec.... its not 6:40 and she's still not here. blufluyfluofyvhdpbfwd. wtf?! i could've been somewhere else. i diliberatly turned down going to the movie with my family to hang out with her. they left my house at 4... thats cool. they'll probably be home soon. i should've just gone to the movies.

i'm a new diet. its called "don't be such a fat kid" diet. its consists of no candy, NONE AT ALL. lots of fruits and veggies. the rare occasion of meat. gallons of water everyday. and dairy in the form of cereal and light && fit yogurt. hopefully it works. 

i wanna get a bike. if i got a bike i would ride it EVERYWHERE. at least i would ride it to the trolley and then ride the trolley everywhere. cuz MOTHAFUCK the bus! i've been driving quite a bit lately. alan lets me drive his car. =] i drove all day yesterday. i drove this am. i'm getting my permit next week so that i can drive my step-mom's car for my lisence test. but just because i have a lisence doesn't mean i'll have a car.... I NEED A JOB! god fucking damn it. 

i'm done writing this.


p.s. its now 7 pm and abbi stilll hasn't even called me. i love how flakey my friends are. i asked lindsEy to kick it, she said yeah after she runs a few errands. i asked kasey to chill, she said when she gets back from oceanside, that was forever ago, and she just now said that they're getting food and then she's coming back. wtf... ITS FUCKING 7 PM... she probably won't even be back to east county until 8. i fucking hate flakey people. this isn't the first time i've been flat out ditched by more than one person in a day. i need more friends like maria. she's not flakey.


a girl can dream, right?   
01:04am 03/01/2007
mood: crushed

right now. i am pissed off. i am pissed off at bean. it starts out because i'm staying home tonight. he wants me to come over, but i'm at my grand-parents house playing card games. so i insist that i call him back because #1- he's drunk #2- i don't wanna have a convo in the middle of a game [how rude]... so then the drunk ass proceeds to hang up on me TWICE and then gets mad at me for getting mad at him.... i believe you are the asshole in this situation, sir. so shut the fuck up. the last text he sent me says exactly this "listen, i don't wanna fight. i think   u   need 2 relax. and be cool.i think we're gonna have 2 talk nexttime we see eachother." ummmm. eat some fucking ball hair. i'm not relaxing or apologizing or being told that i am wrong. i know i am right. i told him that if he EVER hangs up on me again it will be the last time he talks to me, he said "i guess so".  what does that mean? advjieobhv;pdabqtrn.

i'm so torn because he's the nicest guy everrrrrrrr.... but not when he's drunk. when he's sober he makes me laugh. he makes sure i'm ok before he does anything. he calls me just to say hello. he knows how to handle me when i get goofy. he can handle my sarcasm/bitchiness. gahhhh! i just wish he didn't get drunk like that. its not even like he gets drunk like this all the time, but its often enough to hurt my feelings or have something come out the "wrong way" at least once every week. most of the time he's too drunk to remember in the am. and then in the am he's back to normal nice guy. 

so he says we need to talk the next time we see eachother................... the last time a boyfriend said this to me was bryant, 3 years ago, on christmas eve, on the phone, and he ended up just breaking up with me right then and there. grrrreat. this isn't going to be pretty. so i'm going to put it off as long as i can. we'll see how long i can last without going over there. [actually, we'll see how he is tomorrow... when he's NOT drunk.]

gah. i wanna cry/punch something/die/just give up and apologize/never talk to him again. 

i guess this is kind of good though? the first fight ever and its 2 months into the relationship...

hopefully, he'll apologize and then never be an asshole to me again.... not likely, but eh, i can dream



06:50pm 11/11/2006
  so. target called me back. i took the drug test on friday. hopefully i passed it. i used the synthetic pee. :) hopefully by next week i'll be working. cross your fingers for me.

i am in love with bean [alec]. he's my brother's room mate. he's super nice && he's going to school to be a cook!!! awesome catch... i would like to say. lol. i slept with him last night. nothing really happened. mostly sleeping. but before he left for work he kissed me goodbye... sooooo does that mean anything? i dunnno! guys are confusing.

why is there NOTHING to do tonight?! i wanna chill with people. kasey is in pendelton... lame. she's starting to ditch me already for her boyfriend. diana is wih kristyn && i wasn't invited. maria is at work && lindsEy is at dinner for her friends b-day. so whyyyyyyy am i not doing anything?


i need a car. i drove all the way from camp pendelton to el cajon yesterday. most of it was in traffic, but still!!! woooo! i have like 4 hours of driving under my belt. lol. i'm lame. i dunno how i'm going to pay for my driver's test. i'm sure i pissed my dad off today because we were supposed to go to church... eff that. but i never called him to let him know that i wasn't even coming home. hahaha. whoops. so i need to hustle $30 before wednesday... that is, if kasey ever comes off base. fucking gay sauce. i am so pissed that she's ditching me! i mean, cool, you have a bf, but if you make plans, you keep them. i hate when people do the "i have a bf so i don't chill now" thing. shoot me if i'm ever like that.

k. i'm going to go and TRY to amuse myself.



11 niggggggga! SNAPPP!

02:03pm 03/11/2006
mood: chipper
What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The West

Your accent is the lowest common denominator of American speech. Unless you're a SoCal surfer, no one thinks you have an accent. And really, you may not even be from the West at all, you could easily be from Florida or one of those big Southern cities like Dallas or Atlanta.

The Midland
North Central
The South
The Inland North
The Northeast
What American accent do you have?
Take More Quizzes

of course i sound like i'm from the west... because i am. lol. i don't sound like i have an accent because i speak proper english. hahahahahaha. although, i have been told i say soda like a damn canadian. lmao.


this chapter is over. i'm starting again.   
03:44pm 31/05/2006
mood: bouncy
soooo. the last entry i made, i started working with my mom.... this update is to inform all of you that i QUIT that job already. hahahaha. i was working for 7 days and couldn't fucking handle it. the boss was an ASSSSSSSSSHOLE and the hours were no less than 10 hours, and up to 12 hours. FUCK THAT! and for only $8/hour... not enough for the fucking LAME work i was doing.

so i got payed almost $800. i spent about $130 on 3 bras, 2 cute shirts, a pair of capris and 3 VERY good cd's (if i do say so myself). oh and i bought my niece the CUTEST bathing suit EVERRRRRRRR! and its a little big right now for sure, but she'll grow into it. i mean, she lives in HAWAII! (its 12months and she's only 5 months. lol)

but i'm going to buy a gym membership, and an advab testing book, and this whole summer is devoted to getting in shape, studying, and getting ready to peace out.

for those of you that have no idea.

I AM JOINING THE NAVY. don't tell me that its a bad idea. don't advise me against it. don't tell me about YOUR bad experience, YOU are not ME. i have made my desicion. i am going to defend my country, go to school, and make my own way through this world.

i am making an appointment next saturday to meet with my recruiter. i have a retired recruiter going with me to help me through the jungles of rules and twists and turns. this way, i won't get fucked in the ass and end up working in the mess hall peeling potatoes for three years in siberia. lol. i'll be doing a delayed entry, no matter what. so i won't be leaving next week. the earliest i'm leaving is august. and that is exactly what i planned on. :D i'm working out and running everyday in between now and when i leave so boot camp won't kick my ass. :) so be prepared for me to make appearances throughout this summer and me to be hotter everytime you see me. lol. i'm so full of myself sometimes.

lol. anywho. this is a good long update.


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liiiiimes? hmmm.   
12:56pm 06/11/2005

You Are A Lime Tree

You are intelligent, hard working, and innately successful.

You try to change what you can in life - and you accept what you can't change.

Tough on the outside, you are actually soft and relenting.

Jealous at times, you are extremely loyal and giving to those you love.

You have many talents, but you don't have enough time to use them.


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a hurricane katrina video.   
10:34am 03/09/2005


its a bit long, but holy fuck.

it makes me appreciate everything i have 846647856948765 times more.

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04:42pm 26/08/2005
  i like smoking in my bathroom at home.


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05:17pm 25/08/2005

Active Community.
Great members.
Lots of stuff to do.
Great prizes (including gift cards)
Check it out!!

9 niggggggga! SNAPPP!

comment, and then MAYYYBE you'll be added.   
06:51pm 11/08/2005

all of you random ass people adding me and not saying anything, i would suggest leaving me a comment and where you found me and why you wanna add me... cuz if you don't, don't expect to get added back.

peace out motherfuckers.


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03:25pm 04/08/2005
  Image hosted by Photobucket.com

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