January 11th, 2007

the love of my life

(no subject)

Last night was very draining to say the least.
Me and Fred alternate with the baby usually, and last night was my night on duty. Well this growth spurt or whatever he is going through is out of control. (by the way at his one month checkup on Monday he was 10lbs even!! whoa.) So, last night was non-stop crying. Every 20minutes after I would put him down to bed, he would scream to be picked up or fed, or held. He hates his crib so its been a problem getting him to sleep in there.
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Around 4:45 in the morning I hear stomping up the stairs, and for people who don't know me and Fred live in the upstair of my mom and stepdads house. its like our own apartment, with two bedrooms and a bathroom, and whatnot. So I hear someone, and I see my stepfather on the ground crawling up the stairs, Im like "Oh Hey Doug...." kind of weirded out. I mean he is really sick, and he is going a little delerious from the liver failure and it was the middle of the night, he hasn't gotten out of the bed in weeks unless to get his medicene or go to the bathroom, so it was odd. He was jumbling up some words trying to talk to the baby and then said he was going to go in our room to sleep....

I told him I would put him back in his room so I helped him down the stairs, and 3 stairs from the ground he falls. (he has no balance anymore, he has fallen a few times in the past couple weeks.) So here I am exhausted from the baby, trying to lift him up, and its dead weight. I am calling for my mom and Fred and finally Fred answers after I was banging on the hallway and calling up to him. We got him back up and in his bed and back to safety. He just tried going up to our room again today.  I don't know what to do, he is just declinging. My mom and him are going to talk to the liver transplant people at Hartford Hospital soon to do more tests to see if he is qualified to even be put on the waiting list. I just can't believe how much life changes in a year. My mom doesn't want me to go to work full time because she wants me to stay here and watch him because he is unsafe alone. I need to, we have way too many bills. Its actually an abnormal amount of how much we owe each month. We are broke.

I hate seeing Doug like this. He is literally trapped in his own body. He talks crazy now, saying he needs to change parakeet cages, and how he was on elimadate... and weird things like that. He is completely grey colored and for a big man... who was almost 300lbs or more, he is down to 200, and looks like a bag of bones now. It's getting to be too much all at once. Between that situation and the baby being a big responsbility and new adjustment, and bill collecters calling for loan money, and trying to go back to school and work at the same time.. I feel like my head is going to explode. The only person I take it out on is Fred though, but he is going through the same exact stuff. We are stuck basically. We want to move, and get our own place, but we can't leave because my mom needs use financially (since we pay rent) and mentally (she is going insane through all of this. She is watching her husband deteriorate). So I am just in a bind I guess.

I really hope things start to look up. I am not a religious person, but I just pray to whoever is listening for a miracle. 
Im all out of hoping.