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the let-down of my soul

3/15/12 11:21 pm - Untilted subconcious

Secret moment
Hearts fade
Into.the glorification of my day
Systematic feeling
Hopeless romantics
Stuck feeling of control
A stand still point
What was the point?
Nervous habits
Cigarette in hand
Love lasting as long as it burns
And thrown down when done
Highs and lows
Relaspe of blow
So this is life
Welcome home reality

2/4/06 01:23 pm - SILENCE THE GIRL

You know you like it when it starts to rain
Cause all your energy is poured in pain
And the rain talks back
When you have no idea
Where to start at
And you feel the rush of blood pour down
And you wish the rain could hear you now
So you talk a little louder now
Screaming all your pain out
Wishing the world could hear it all
And for a simple phone call
Just to tell you baby it's okay
The rain has stoppped and it's clear as day


But she's been sad
Since the day he left
He didn't even say
"i love you, i'll be back soon"


Now her body lays on the floor
He rushes open the door
Her body is stiff and cold


2/1/06 09:08 pm - rest your eyes time to say this ain't right

how do you tell yourself something is wrong when it feels so damn good? just to take the blade across your arm and release some blood of physical pain but also to release all the emotional baggage you fucking have to deal with. back away victoria, your life is more precious than you know.

1/30/06 08:15 pm - i still wonder

And i still wonder
If i can love you
One day its all good
And the next day it fades away
And my days are all dark and gray

I wonder if it will ever change
And i can be who i was named
And then i realize that who i am
Will always be the same
Have the same past
And it won't fade
And the lights are dim
And i wonder if it
Can ever be bright again

Im taking on step forward
And one step back
And its always leading me
To where i was
To start at
And im screaming loud
Someone help me now
Cause im bleeding from my tears
And i can't escape my fears

of falling

Forward i try to take
But always end up
Making a mistake

Can i take that step
And make it last
Cause i don't want to
Be falling from my days
Remembering my past

1/29/06 09:16 pm - lyrics of my life...

Went back home again
this sucks gotta pack up and leave again
say goodbye to all my friends
can't say when I'll be there again
It's time now to turn around
Turn my back on
EVERYTHING (turn my back on) everything....

Everythings changing when I turn around all out of my control I'm a mobile.
Everythings changing when I turn around all out of my control I'm a mobile.

Start back at this life
Stretch myself back into the vibe
I'm waking up to say I've tried
Instead of waking up to another TV GUIDE
It's time now to turn around
Turn and walk on this crazy ground oh oh oh....

Everythings changing when I turn around all out of my control I'm a mobile
Everythings changing out of what I know everywhere I go I'm a mobile
I'm a mobile

Hanging from the ceiling lifes a mobile spinning round
with mixed feelings crazy & wild ...
sometimes I wanna SCREAM OUT LOUD ....

Everythings changing
everywhere I go
All out of my control
Everythings changing
everywhere I go out of what I know

la la la la la la (la la)
la la la la la la (la la)
la la la la la la (la la la)
la la la la la la

mobile- avril

All that I did was walk over
Start off by shaking your hands
That's how it went
I had a smile on my face and I sat up straight
Oh, yeah, yeah
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you

You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away

No, I just don't understand why
you won't talk to me
It's hurts that I'm so unwanted for nothing
Don't talk words against me
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you

Make me go away

I tried to belong
It didn't seem wrong
My head aches
Its been so long
I'll write this song
If that's what it take

[chorus (2x)]
Make me go away
Make me go away

unwanted- avril

1/20/06 09:15 pm - the usage of small words

its seems that my earth and hell have collided and i am in the middle. somehow, i'm just fine.

1/15/06 11:10 pm

in captive for a week, surrounded by people just like you. people who cant trust. these people have been physically, menatally, and sexually abused. you cant help but cry when they're telling their story. you cry with them inside and out. its am miracle sometimes how someone so hurt can help someone who is hurts more. :)

1/8/06 08:49 pm - Thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds...

Recently i have been reading this book called The Healing Power of Forgiveness by Ray Pritchard. It really has opened my eyes and helped me with the past of my childhood and early teen years. It helps me know that i am not alone. So if you read this more than likely you'll be seeing a lot about it.

"Forgiveness is not so much an event as it is an ongoing condition of the heart. It's a journey, not a destination. No one makes that journey easily and quickly."

"Forgiveness isn't about you. And it's not about the person who hurt you deeply. Forgiveness is about God. We forgive because God forgives us. We forgive because God has commanded us to forgive. We forgive because God has given us the strength to forgive. WE FORGIVE BECAUSE GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF JUDGING THE OTHER PERSON. We forgive because God means more to us than staying angry. WE FORGIVE BECAUSE GOD MATTERS MORE THAN PAIN WE FEEL.We forgive because God can be trusted to do right. We forgive because GOD IS GOD AND WE ARE NOT."

C.S. Lewis remarks, "Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive."

Today i was walking in the mall and this couple cuts right through my mom and me. I said "exuse me" to the lady and she turned around and looked at me as if she owned the mall and the world and if as i said "screw you." I walked purposely away from behind them and whispered to myself "that was stupid." As rude as it was more than likely i was assuming something. Assuming gets us in trouble. Thanks Chelsea for reminding me. Assuming things makes an ass out of u and me. lol

1/8/06 11:10 am - fading away (can't see the light of day)

She sings lullabys
To ease my troubled mind
But i can't put the pain behind

Now i'm fading away
Fading away
Into my dark cave

She says it's alright
To hurt and cry
But you're the one who ruined my life

And she's fading away
I fade back into
My dark cave
Can't see the light of day

In a moment's truth
I can't think of you
Memories of what you do
Still bring the troubles of my youth
I want to start new
That's so true

Now i'm fading away
Fading away
Into my dark cave

Crack open my beer
Tell me it's here
A brand new year
No more tears
But i still fear
Memories of past years

What was i thinking
So condescending
My thoughts descending

And she's fading
I fade back into
My dark cave
Can't see the light of day

Like my bright fireflies
Out came the lies
In the darkest night

Now i'm fading away
Fading away
Into my dark cave

Out of my sight
I thought this was right
But it wasn't so bright
As the rays of my morning light
That opens my eyes
And keeps me from dark nights

And she's fading away
I fade back into
My dark cave
Can't see the light of day

1/6/06 10:20 pm - So tied down with common words...

What did i expect my life to come to? Everyone is looking for their chance at change just because it's the new year and somehow it's what you're suppose to do. Start a diet, stop drinking, stop smoking....etc.,etc., etc. .... just a fade. It's just something you say to fit in when the big ball of glimmering change appears and everyones fixated on you, waiting for you to say some astounding resolution. The best thing to say is to say "I have no resolutions." That way when someone asks you how you are doing with your diet; you don't have to lie and say "Great!", when deep down you're fooling yourself because you know you had a greasy pizza smothered in cheese for dinner and a chocolate fudge sundae to top it off and don't forget that you had a rootbeer to wash it all down. You just perk around your fake "great" and ask "and you" and they will give you their story and you will pretend you care. Life is lovely on the job or among friends and family.

Just say you didn't make one and make one in your own time that way no one knows your deep disappointments.

My new year's resolution was to focus more on myself...i didn't say it on new year but i'll try to stick to it. I need to stop worrying what my actions do to others. If i truly did do something to offend someone they should come out and say it. I shouldn't worry myslelf over every small action i make towards someone because in all reality every action has a consequence sometimes we just don't know what it was.
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