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Christina A.

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(no subject) [Aug. 17th, 2007|04:23 pm]
Christina A.
[how i'm feelin.... |apatheticapathetic]

college just started. yay!
already this week i have applied for and been accepted for 4 jobs on campus. and my mistress is of course already volleyball...
i hope i get enough sleep this semester and that i'm not sick every other week, because i hate it when that happens.

justin is...being awkward. but i suppose this is to be expected since "i broke up with him." funny how in the world, the guy always wants to be the one doing the breaking up, but in the christian community as far as i can tell, the guy loves to be the victim and say that the girl broke up with him (even though his stupidity caused it.)

oh well. i am 100% ready to be pursued. okay, maybe like 80%. if a guy tried to pursue me right now, i'd probably flip out hardcore. *sigh* story of my life.

...i wonder how grant's doing....
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Being Real [Mar. 3rd, 2007|03:02 am]
Christina A.
I am the queen of crap. My whole life - a load of crap. Everything I try to do - utter crap.

Ok, here's what I'm trying to say. I've met a lot of Christians in my life. They all have completely different personalities from mine. But when I met them, I noticed the love and passion they had for Almighty God, and I wanted that. So instead of seeking after Him, I sought after imitating their mode of worship and how they acted about their love for Him. So my worship to Him about 80% of the time was not real. It was not me. But today, I was challenged. I have been challenged a lot lately. Challenged to be who God made me. And to be real. To be authentically Christina in love with her heavenly FATHER.

And tonight I was grieving. Because I've been sick lately, and I've been focusing more on trying to get better instead of growing closer to God. So I was thinking about areas in my life that I'm unsatisfied with - I don't trust guys. I haven't developed very close friendships with the people I've met at college. Why? The heck if I know. So there I was, sitting in confused anguish. And I opened my Bible and prayed for God to open my eyes. And I found -

"Give the Lord - you heavenly beings - give the Lord glory and strength. Give the Lord the glory due His name; worship the Lord in the SPLENDOR of His holiness. The voice of the Lord is above the waters. The God of glory THUNDERS - the Lord, above vast waters, the voice of the Lord in power, the voice of the Lord in SPLENDOR. The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars, the Lord shatters the cedars of Lebanon. He makes Lebanon skip like a calf, and Sirion, like a young wild ox. The voice of the Lord hews out FLAMES of fire. The voice of the Lord SHAKES the wilderness of Kadesh. The voice of the Lord makes the deer to calve and strips the forest bare; and in His temple everything says, "Glory!"" (Psalm 29:1-9)

His voice does all this. His power is infinite. And His voice calls my name. He gives me His power over my enemies - His enemies. Wow.

And then - "One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple...When You said, ' Seek my face,' my heart said to You, ' Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.' ...Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:4, 8, 14)

That is what I pray I may do all the days of my life. To wait for the Lord. To dwell in His house. To behold His beauty. To meditate in His temple...to inquire in His holy place. To be transformed from the inside out. To show with my life His glory. My spiritual gift is exhortation. I want to use it for Him.

I do. This is my prayer. My plea. My passion. This is my purpose. I want to encourage others. I want to be available to everyone who needs someone to pray with. Because I've been so deep in despair and I've felt so alone in my quest, in my search to find God. I've felt like there was noone willing to pray with me who cared about what I might be going through. Who might not understand what I was going through or who might not want to try to understand.

But I want to know my life is open to God to use however He needs to use me. To lead me wherever I need to be led. And that I will be willing to follow.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him." (Psalm 28:7)
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blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahg..... [Feb. 23rd, 2007|11:57 am]
Christina A.
Who am I?
All previously generated answers aside....all cliches put behind me...all spoon-fed answers down the the drain - who am I?
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fjdkalfjdkal [Feb. 13th, 2007|11:35 pm]
Christina A.
there's so much i want to say about my life, and i can't write an honest myspace blog or facebook note because whoever i write about in it will get all hissy.
yes, ok, sometimes i want a boyfriend. tonight when i was talking to michael on the phone, i was reminded of my physical attraction for him. Lord, am i even strong enough spiritually to talk to him? even if i tell myself it's for the sake of witnessing to him and being his friend, a part of me knows it's because i like the attention he gives me and sometimes the things he says i briefly consider. my spontaneous spirit can sometimes get me into a lot of trouble - especially when i talk to him. i have no will power of my own. Lord, i just want to experience your gift of love and thrilling intimacy, but in the right setting, in your timing. but i'm just so impatient!
and this weekend, i hope i can be the witness for you that marycatherine needs to hear. i hope she has an open heart - i also hope i don't do anything ridiculously stupid. why can't i get it through my head that i'm not perfect? i can't be perfect! but i am forgiven....so why do i try to hide my sin and the things i struggle with like i'm above all that? because i'm not and i know it!
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so i haven't written in awhile..... [Dec. 7th, 2006|09:55 pm]
Christina A.
[how i'm feelin.... |contemplativecontemplative]

Well, this the first time I've written on this thing in almost a year!!!!!!!

Can you believe it?!

And nobody ever really reads this anymore, so I think I'm safe.
I went to see the guidance counselor at school today for the first time. It was crazy. I'm pretty sure I have a lot to think about and a lot of self-esteem to gain.

And this month everyone's going home and I'll be here pretty much alone....but I'm excited. I've realized I depend too much on what other people think of me. I know I say I don't and I know that's a bad thing, but I let my self-image be formed by what other people think, say, do, and how they act around me.

and I don't want to be like that. Being in high school and having the friends I did formed my mind to wanting a boyfriend....wanting to be kissed.....and altogether wanting to be "normal"...or at least what the world's standards of normal are. But all the comments I make about thinking a guy's hott o wanting to date him or kiss him - that's all they are....comments. I don't think any of them are really serious. They're just to get a laugh out of people.

It's been a long time (if ever) that I've truly cared about a guy. I think that's mostly a result of my mom's general attitude toward men as I was growing up. She would randomly make comments about how they weren't to be trusted, and she wouldn't care if she never married again, because she didn't need a man.

I don't even know what they're for. I mean, seriously. I can honestly say I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship with a guy. I wouldn't even know how it would look....or feel.
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(no subject) [Jan. 23rd, 2006|10:47 pm]
Christina A.
I want to write so much in this entry. I feel like I haven't said anything worthwhile in a long time, and I just want to write again.

...but not now. i'm tired. lol

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(no subject) [Dec. 19th, 2005|07:33 pm]
Christina A.
[how i'm feelin.... |tiredtired]

i'm hot. i'm sick. i have a fever. and i just wanna sleep till it goes away, but i can't. i miss writing....and singing to jesus with my heart...and being faithful in devotions...and being in love.

so i'll just have to remedy that. i'll start doing devos again, therefore i'll be writing and singing to jesus with my heart, and being in love with Him.

i need to finish applying to BCF. fo real.

♥ simba
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my heart will go on.... [Nov. 18th, 2005|11:47 pm]
Christina A.
ok, so here goes:

<3 college & scholarships:

* haven't finished applying to bcf yet. i definitely will this week though.
* just finished applying to ruth eckerd and almost pooped in my pants because i thought i'd mailed it to the wrong address, which it turns out i didn't (praise God).

<3 friends:

* i've had some mini-issues with jealousy when it comes to my friends and guys, but then i realized that that's dumb. my friends deserve to be happy, and one day, God will introduce me to my perfect guy and i will fall head over heels and be completely happy!
* kelly's coming home! actually, she probably is home by now, and that makes me so freaking happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3 school:

* guys-n-dolls makes me wanna hurl.
* i hate that i have homework over the break and i have to build a mousetrap car .....wtf?!
* stupid brit book for haley's class.....argh.....
* i hate how senior year costs so much....like all-state, and app. fees, and yearbook, and cap & gown....grrrrrr.

<3 church:

* my relationship with jesus is like a birthday candle that's been lit for 45 minutes...almost gone. this makes me sad because i love him....i need to confess sins....start praying again....and read the Bible again.
* i have a solo w/ choir and a duet in church on sunday...my grandparents aren't saved and they're coming to listen....PLEASE LET THEM BE IMPACTED FOR JESUS!
* i wanna go on this mission's trip to berlin this summer....but i need MONEY!

<3 general:

* it seems like everything's bothering me or depressing me lately. i'm constantly feeling inadequate when other seniors get picked for stuff and i am overlooked. then i feel selfish and conceited for thinking i would get picked over them.
* i feel ugly. fat. far away from God. everytime i go to church, i can't bear to be around my old church friends...i feel like we're going in different directions, and i think i'm the one going the wrong way.
* the funny thing is that i never stopped loving jesus. i just stopped pursuing Him. which is ten times as worse, because that's not even an excuse.
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boas and bbs and beauty shop, oh my! [Nov. 9th, 2005|09:34 pm]
Christina A.
tonight was fun....

except i haven't gotten anything worthwhile done, i'm mad at ms. mac about guys-n-dolls and the "new" addition....blah!

oh well.

night all!

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(no subject) [Nov. 8th, 2005|11:42 pm]
Christina A.
hey guys! long time, no talk!

so i have been sucked into myspace...so sue me. and i'm so stressed with college apps. and such. oh well.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love that girl!

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