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The Social Ups And Downs Of Self Loathing [entries|friends|calendar]
...wouldn't it be funny if I died right now?

[ website | My music. Listen to soundtrack playing in my head. ]
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You Didn't Have To Cut Me Off... [20 Jan 2012|08:06pm]
[ mood | beautiful ]

I'm used to do it.
I take that back...
I used to love it.
The hunt, the games, the looks, the confusion, the final win.

I was very good at fuck-buddy....
and now I'm alive with the glory of commitment.
I have no problem with this. My life with him is the best thing I've ever had. I'm happy waking up next to him, living with him, loving him.

It's just...the itch. The itch that that you can't quite reach. The itch that burns no more than half an inch from the edge of your finger nails. I hate that inconvenient itch. I know I can't scratch it and yet..if I could...it would be satisfying. Those people I don't talk to anymore. Those people that I used to know...and see naked. I never thought of myself as someone that could maintain monogamy when I was younger, and now I feel that a part of my maturity is my commitment to this man. And yes, not being that old just furthers the insult.

I was happy in the lifestyle I used to follow. I'm happy in the lifestyle I follow now. But dear god I think about it. I've even started dreaming about it. Old faces coming up in my sleep. I miss those days...but I love the love I have now. The mystery might be gone, but my imagination never stops and I'll always have the know that I can come home to my home...something I wouldn't change for all the lust in the world.

Comments: kiss the rain.

So Did I Mention I Was Drunk? [05 Aug 2010|11:11pm]
What the fuck happened to lj? All these fucking ads are slowing the hell out of my blogging experience. Is nothing sacred anymore?

So I had multiple personal crusades to type out on this thing. Several chronicles of exploits I've feverishly pursued over the past couple of weeks with a nice build up to some bullshit revelation about how this is inherently effecting my sense of humanity's ability to comprehend relationships. Then to close I would say something sarcastic and bitter, if not down right cliche and self-righteous.

God I'm predicable and I honestly never learn from any of it.

So to save myself the cyberspace, I'll just say that...
That I'm trying the commitment thing...
...so far I've not been good at it...
...and history repeats...
Comments: kiss the rain.

[16 Mar 2010|10:37am]
I drive 70 fucking miles per hour to get here. Weave in and out of traffic for half an hour, park in east bum-fuck to run to class, fearing I will be ten goddamn minutes late and....only to find....class was fucking canceled. 2 outta 3 of m classes were canceled.
I seriously hate higher education.
Comments: kiss the rain.

The You Know What You Know Where [08 Mar 2010|11:25pm]
"Marinate the nether rod, In the squish mitten"

"I am fornicating with the idea of killing you."

So I'm going to New York City for spring break. Not in the "glorified, over-tanned, screaming, condom-covered college kid spring break" way. But more in the "I'm poor and this is a cheap way of getting out of western new york way". It won't cost much, I'll be staying with friends and its better than sitting at home.
Other than that I need another job and to start paying more attention to the shit going on around me.
I've been reading too much JTHM lately again. Its ironic and humorous and I keep going back to how amused I am with happy noodle boy. I know, I know, every hottopic baby bitch butterfly reads that shit and thinks they're profound, but its funny to think that Vasquez created Johnny to make fun of the very audience he wrote it for. Points for originality. Reading alot of Astonishing X-Men as well. The entire series to be exact. Its keeping me from saying mean things to the life forms that are actually alive around me.
Comments: kiss the rain.

Where Is My Mind [03 Mar 2010|07:56pm]
I am too sober for this shit.
Class took too long today.
I don't have enough money to not feel bored.
I'm sorry your bunny died.
I need to get the car fixed.
Call me, bitch.
No I don't want to hold your dick while you pee.
We ran out of jungle juice.
You don't really matter to me.
I do not care about the fact that you love socialism.
The shit they call news in the newspapers...are all lies.
I'm not gay, but everyone I know is.
Comments: 3 of you got wet -kiss the rain.

Changed Into A Fly [22 Feb 2010|09:48pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I am too busy loving the Pixies right now to care...

I need new friends. I don't say this because I truly dislike my current friends, I say this because I am bored with my current friends and think that new friends would be more entertaining.
I am bored with myself. February is a bad month. Its when all my cabin fever sets in and I need to get out and do something to keep my homicidal rages at bay. I need distractions, like walking corpses, in order to keep my attention focused on things that don't come to a razor sharp edge. Due to the fact that I am broke and none of the freshmen I can find are willing to whore themselves out for my greater good, I've been pretty limited on my options to keep myself busy. This time last year I was toying with notion of using what little human emotion I have left to commit to someone who was not worth shit found on the ground. Now I am rather numb to people in general. I'm kind of laughing at them actually. I have no opinion on them either way. They just exist, and that alone bothers me.
So I need new people. I need new stimulation (and not necessarily the physical kind). I need someone who doesn't bore the fuck out of me and actually has something to contribute to a conversation and doesn't make me grit my teeth when they speak.

Comments: kiss the rain.

With Out Your Pants And Shirt [10 Feb 2010|09:11pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Fuck this noise.
I've been stuck dealing with all kinds of bitching, complaining, nagging and various other forms of college bullshit. I get it. We all hate each other but can't stop crawling up each others asses because were so goddamned lonely and insecure that we can't be on our own for more than two fucking minutes. Go human race, go.
I'm waiting for something to happen. I'm waiting for someone to make sense and change things. I shouldn't be waiting for someone else to make that difference, but I am and I do it apologetically. I just have this feeling. This strange tension that something important is supposed to go down and when it does it will be a welcome relief.

Comments: 1 of you got wet -kiss the rain.

You Should Have Seen This Coming [06 Jan 2010|02:26am]
You can say that you love me all you want.
You can say that you miss me.
You can claim that I meant all this shit to you.
You can claim I'm different from every other girl you've cared about.

It doesn't change how you treated me.
It doesn't change how you made me feel.
It doesn't change that you left.
That you got with her to rub it in my face.
It doesn't change that your an asshole...
...and that you'll never change.

You made me grow up. For that, I'll say thanks.
But you dug your own fucking grave...
...now have fun lying in it, asshole.

I'm never going to be that desperate again.
Comments: kiss the rain.

Buy This Hamster; All The Kids Want One [23 Dec 2009|06:15pm]
No, not merry christmas.
Go to church and shut the Fuck up.

I made the realization while wandering through Walmart the day before christmas eve, stoned and fairly contemplative, what the true meaning of Winter Wonderland really was.
It was a realization that made me both ridiculously depressed and yet horribly giddy. I literally giggled in the store...several times. (This could have had something to do with, mind you, the fact one of those dateline-proportion-screaming-beaten-child-scenes was playing out in front of me more than once.) Walmart was a panicked, retching, inbred, frat-filled, burnt out, writhing, smoked up, massacre of society. And I could honestly think of no better a representation of the Holiday Season; Bought, Packaged, and Sold Separately. My depression was clear.
But I had to laugh, because there I was. In the car isle. Frantically looking at car wash for my step-dad like every other cancerous, stoned son of a bitch there. How Fucking philosophical.

So there's my chirstmas lesson.
Put it in your stocking and Fuck it.
Comments: kiss the rain.

On My Soap Box All Covered In Filth [17 Dec 2009|07:41pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I do not find this funny. I am suppose to be sitting here in the computer lab with all these other procrastinating ass holes working on my media theory paper. Instead I am typing out this ridiculous rant because if I don’t get these words out of my head and stop them from bouncing around inside my skull, I am not going to make it through this paper..or the rest of the night for that matter. I just can’t fucking focus. At least not on school work. All I keep going back to is……this is not funny.

Ok, you like to play games with people. You like to squeeze inside their brains and move shit around until they’re confused and frustrated and you won your stupid game of wits and are sitting there with a shit-eating grin on your face while toking someone else’s green. Good for fucking you. You beat the system.
I wonder if you know how unappealing it makes you? To be so assured and comfortable with yourself. How the casual way you make a person feel good ends up biting them in the ass. I wonder if you know the lingering sense of drive you leave behind and the intense feeling of violation covering your random choice victim. You’re good at what you do. You know that and now, so do I. Does it feel good to you?
So I ask you, you smug, sarcastic, charismatic prick, has that method ever fucked you over? Has it ever tripped you up on your own sense of vulnerability and made you fall face first into a pile of your own emotional shit? Have you ever had your head squeezed into and messed up? Did they move left when you moved right? Have you ever looked one of your mindfucks right in the eye and knew exactly how they felt?
Maybe thats the kicker. Maybe it happened to you so bad and so hard that all you can do in defense is fuck up everyone else’s day. Maybe something cut you so deep you’ll always just fuck with the minds around you, keeping you clean and clear of that openness and blind gullibility. Maybe you’ve just decided to miss out on everyone who gives a damn. Everyone who could have potentially knocked you on your ass and really made you smile.
…Or maybe you’re just a smug, sarcastic, charismatic prick…and you were doing what you’ve done a thousand times before.

Comments: kiss the rain.

Its Not A Confession If Everyone Already Knew [30 Nov 2009|11:59am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

-When I drink, I drink to get drunk.
-I smoke cheap menthol cigarettes shamelessly.
-I can watch X-Men cartoons for hours and know all the characters.
-I enjoy wearing oversized sweat clothes when no one is looking.
-I randomly use accents when I talk to myself.
-I often pace and don’t know that I’m doing it.
-I am constantly putting off my school work.
-The only other country I have been to is Canada.
-I use sex for my own purposes.
-I spit in public.
-I pretend I’m on the phone when I don’t want to talk to people.
-I pose in the mirror when I’m done getting ready…sometime before as well.
-I swear like a sailor.
-I like the smell of gasoline.
-I hate hand sanitizer.
-I frequently dream about zombies.
-I use the male species to feel good about myself.
-I constantly compare myself to girls who are better looking than me.
-I am violently insecure.
-I waste decent sums of money on pot to make myself feel happy…and I do this regularly.
-I am only a set of tits to the majority of people who meet me.
-I bullshit on certain topics to appear more intelligent.

-I am not classy.
-I am not pretty.
-I am not smart.
-I am a lazy, self righteous, greedy whore.

…oh whats a girl to do?

Comments: 5 of you got wet -kiss the rain.

Head Full Of Fuck [09 Nov 2009|02:13pm]
[ mood | weird ]

I am bored and feeling less human than normal.
I get along well with material objects. I think I'm becoming one.
The Human Condition pisses me off.
Everyone is a crisis.
Stop deciding on the amount of time to be angry for.
Sickness is the new healthy.
Am I popular yet?
Don't forget your face mask.
No one cares that he won't fuck you.
Yes you've had too much to drink again.
Shit keeps breaking.
That light is a lie.
You're not lonely, you're just too involved in beng friendly.
Money is not an option.
No, you can't have my number.
Not in public. I hate you in public.
It's not going to work. So stop trying.

Comments: kiss the rain.

Choke On Your Irony [05 Nov 2009|06:52pm]
[ mood | listless ]

I miss you.

Thought I would have nutted up and gotten over this by now, but I still think about you every day.

I just want to talk to you. Smoke with you. Go for one more car ride with you.
I hope you're somewhere good. Somewhere that makes you happy.
I miss you so much, and the feeling won't go away.

Comments: kiss the rain.

[02 Nov 2009|10:09am]
[ mood | hungry ]

Its so much easier to be articulate on this thing when I'm a whining, bitching, mass of self pity and spite. So I find it more amusing to let other people bitch themselves into feeling intelligent and actually making good comment of the shit that hasn't gone wrong yet.

For instance, got another car. A white old-lady-car that runs really well and hasn't taking a shit on me yet. Being mobile means not having to deal with my family which makes everyone in general much MUCH happier. Plus I feel like I have somewhere to stay again and that things are back in order.

Then there's work. The winery is a fading memory at this point. I have maybe another weekend of that shit at best and then I'm quitting the second I find something else. I just cannot deal with that place at this point...
FrightWorld has been another story. I swear, it is no one's fucking business who I talk to. Just because other people there want their five fucking minutes in the spotlight by doing something retarded and then proceeding to tell EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER willingly, does not mean I want to know about it. And in return, I don't want EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER knowing about the shit I choose to do. I pay no attention to other people's personal problems there. I don't want to know because I really don't fucking care. Its a temp job in which I more than likely will not be seeing the others that work there again until the next damn year. Who so-and-so wants to fuck has absolutely NO relevance to my life. Now or later. So despite all the "look-at-me-my-mommy-didn't-hug-me-enough-in-life" shit, I've actually had a pretty decent year.
I've won best scarer, my house, while hopelessly lame hasn't sucked as bad as last year and I've been a happy state of high for the past month. Company kept has been pleasant enough and the randomness of everything has kept me entertained.

School has been getting in the way of shit I actually want to do and is a work in progress right now.
Friends are ever entertaining with their own brand of pathetic drama. They also LOVE to fight with one another and then walk around a bitch about it.
I swear people lately must actually enjoy the act of complaining and feeling sorry for themselves. Its seriously becoming a hobby for majority.
How sad. You would think out of pure self respect they wouldn't let literally EVERYTHING people do around them make them that angry, then again, who has that kind of self control or level or maturity. Its not their fault I suppose, somehow I feel MTV is to blame.

Comments: kiss the rain.

It's After-Birth!! [05 Oct 2009|02:16pm]
[ mood | productive ]

Ok, so enough emo shit.

Work has been busy to say the least. This year is already interesting, the thing is, I don't know if thats good interesting or bad interesting. I have a lack of care either way. I'm there to make money for scaring people. No attachment crisis hoop-la. however watching everyone else run around confused and perturbed never gets old. Like hell if I care...I'm not baby-sitting.

Much to do in the up coming weeks.
Much legal bullshit to deal with.
Much alcohol needs consuming.

Bring on the psychosis....

Comments: kiss the rain.

I Heard Your Voice On The Phone & It Hurt Like Hell [22 Sep 2009|02:54pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

She took a long drag of her cigarette and exhaled heavily. The smoke was thick as it swirled around in front of her. There was no breeze and the air danced with the grey cloud of lace. Her head felt heavy. Her eyes felt heavy. Her chest ached and her vocal cords were coated in dust.

“I really miss you.” She sighed under her breath.

The leaves were dwindling on their branches and a handful fell to her feet. The grey pavement matched the sky and the stone buildings around her. It matched the words in her head and the sickness in her throat. Melancholy is more than a knot in your stomach. It’s a slow and cancerous disease.

What was she supposed to say? Empathy and sympathy cannot fill a syringe. Kind words do not come in pill form and sorry cannot be prescribed. There was no vaccine for this kind of feeling and there was no treatment. Just an empty spot in her heart, where the good things died in that car crash two months ago. Now she would face all of those realities again. She would hug the attendees. She would smile at the preacher. She would shake hands with her friend’s father and all those medicines that don’t exist would be the only remedy she could muster up.

She took the last drag her cigarette afforded her and flicked it to the ground. Grey. Everything was a dull shade of grey. She thought about those pretty green eyes. Her fair skin with a brush of freckles. Brown hair and the perfect little pout of her brow. All of those things were ash now. Grey ashes. Just like the ones tapped off her cigarette to the ground; never to be considered again.

It wasn’t fair and it didn’t make sense.

“I really fucking miss you.” She said again as she stood and walked to class.

Comments: kiss the rain.

2 Whores & A Hatchet [14 Sep 2009|09:54am]
[ mood | busy ]

I would like to sit here and break the norm by not complaining like a little bitch for an entire entry, but I'm sitting in the library basement at 10 in the morning with nothing to do but wonder around, smoke, and loathe the prototypical clones whose phones keep going off and playing FUCKING MILEY CIRUS.
So here I am conformity.

Work. More work. School. No sleep. No food. Just constant shit.
Frightworld ought to be just a fucking bust. Dealing with people could get interesting however. I think most people go into that place thinking pure fuck fest. I certainly have eluded to those notions before. But this year I think it would be better to focus any blind frustrations into making people urinate on themselves. I'll be late coming in every day because of either my rim-job-of-a-boss or pointless class time talking about contrast and solar dimensions. Plus it sounds like the parents are trying to have a battle royale over lost child support and the fact that I don't have a car and am in fact living similarly to a homeless person. I'm never quite sure where I'm sleeping the next day and never have the shit I need.

I've really fucking appreciated all of this. You have no idea.

Hopefully the loan on the car comes through by next week.
Hopefully I get my bank card soon.
Hopefully the radio shit goes down smooth.
Hopefully no one acts like a spoiled 5 year old and gets greedy.
Hopefully everyone at work with calm the fuck down.
Hopefully all this hoping doesn't end up biting me in the ass.

Comments: 1 of you got wet -kiss the rain.

We're Going To Ask You To Sit Down [07 Sep 2009|02:01pm]
[ mood | shocked ]

I opened my eyes and saw that I was no longer on the road. I relaxed and everything went white for a moment before stopping rather abruptly deep in a ditch. Air bag bruised up my face. Seat belt took care of my chest. Fuck.

My car is totaled. Cops really weren't happy with what they found in my car. I'm even less happy with what they found in my car.

There isn't much about life that I like right now.
In fact I pretty much hate everything.
I feel like a royal piece of shit.

A piece of shit with no car, no money and a court date in September.
People keep trying to tell me that everything will be ok. They're just glad I'm not hurt.

Kind of an ironic 'fuck you' if you will.

Comments: kiss the rain.

Useless And Used [26 Aug 2009|12:55pm]
[ mood | blank ]

He kissed her neck softly and she could feel the nerves in her back flared like the cherry of cigarette. Her eyes quickly met his and she gave him a questioning look, half of surprise, half of suspicion. A sly smirk slowly spilled itself across his face and his hands moved closer to the three little pieces of metal fixed in the middle of her back. She bit her bottom lip in hesitation. This had nothing to do with pleasure. This had nothing to do with revenge. This was about the fact that she was simply a breathing sex doll. Instead of cold rubber, there was warm skin. Instead of a blank painted expression, there were eyes blinking and observing. Instead of lifeless limbs, there was motion and reaction. But nothing else about this experience expressed that two living human beings were involved; just one very horny boy and one very empty hole.

She felt his hand snake up her shirt and she bit down on the meat of his neck, moving up to his ear. He flipped her over with one quick motion and glared down at her with hungry eyes. She wanted it. He knew this, and who would he be to let her go unsatisfied. It wouldn’t take long and there would be no talking, arguing, or cuddling afterward. He wouldn’t have to remember their anniversary, or introduce her to his parents. There would be no gifts or cards purchased around the holidays and no worries of sentimental bullshit. No awkward attempts to find things in common or casual mishaps in offending the other. It was just a good fuck. Just a good go around with a girl who had a decent rack and knack for moaning. Sure she didn’t look bad, and she had a compromising personal taste in the macabre, thus making her an excellent way to escape the seriousness of a real relationship and the day to day stresses that seemed to close in on him daily. She was half an hour of distraction and that was all he wanted.
            She smiled sarcastically as she opened the door and he moved out into the hallway.
          “Good to see you.” She said with vague interest. “Hit me up whenever.”

           He faked a smile back at her as he turned to go.

          “Sure thing” he replied and walked down the stairs out of the building. With the door shut and the night over, her pleasant demeanor quickly went back to the sulking frustration she normally felt. She was physical relief and since honest relationships were a myth and feelings a setback at best, physical relief was at least a title that meant she had some worth. She brought nothing more to people than the potential to fuck. She had long since learned that her desire to be more in the likes of intellect and general companionship would rarely be shared and that she held most favor with others when they received the opportunity to see her naked. That was where the real value came from. She prided herself on the fact that she needed nothing to do with honest emotion regarding other people, but the empty sexual purpose for which she had found somehow was just that; empty. She accepted that it was either buying into the denial filled bullshit of believing that communication was founded on genuine interest and comradely compassion, or it was accepting the fact that by the end of night the only desired outcome, were clothes upon the floor. These two ideas could not coexist, and the first notion had yet to truly present itself.

            Sex was a part of life.  

            It wasn’t his fault he used her.

            It wasn’t her fault she let him use her.

            It was just how life worked, and no amount of shame, emotion or lust would ever change that.

Comments: kiss the rain.

Watch The Fucking Movie [24 Aug 2009|05:11pm]
[ mood | listless ]

I've had a Bob Segar song stuck in my head for the past three days.
I keep thinking about shit I need to tell Sarah.
I've come dangerously close to dislocating Zach's lower jaw at least three times this past week...and settled for smacking him instead.
I started laughing for no reason while staring at clouds during work, Saturday.

The damage cells are starting to show.

Comments: kiss the rain.

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