the clothesline of cold eyes

(no subject)

i want Rammstein to come to America.

I'll get to their show 6 hours early and wake 9 hours to be up front row to witness their godlike amazingness.

sehnsucht versteckt. sich wie ein insekt.

goodness. why don't they come? do they not realize how much i love them?

i remember when Flake kissed me at the 2001 POA tour.

the clothesline of cold eyes

(no subject)

can some one please tell me why THE FUCK Rammstein isn't touring in America?

Do they think that we don't love them here? Because I do. I'd have their babies in a heartbeat. I wouldn't even need child support or any of that bullshit.

oh well. 3 more weeks in Arizona. 3 more weeks of "The Prescott College CSA: Local Agriculture and definitions of community in Northern Arizona"

That's the name of my project. Doesn't it sound all anthropology-like and badass?

ehhhh i don't want to go to work. you ever have one of those jobs were you one boss is totally awesome and you love them but your other one is a total bitch and you just feel like they're faking being nice to you? and you're faking being nice to them when we both know that she hates me and i hate her equally.

oh well.

anyways, I've been on a search for this picture that this girl drew of Flik and Odessa from Suikoden 1. I couldn't find it and i went so far as to e-mail her. She said she'd mail me the original copy =D
the clothesline of cold eyes

(no subject)

why do i find myself thinking about logan late at night sometimes?


i guess this makes me a weak person. i'd say i'm doing pretty good though. sometimes i just wonder if i'll actually be with somebody good for me, instead of blowing them off (which i always seem to do for some reason unbeknownced to me). sometimes i'll wonder if i'll just stay in shitty relationships for the rest of my life, with people who don't appreciate me and take me for granted.

i guess we all have our downfalls about us. These are just the times where I get upset. Seems like I've been ignoring the fact that I could actually be upset about things or be despressed about things. Not depressed in general, but just about certain things. As opposed to some of the people I know who make such a gigantic deal out of absolutely nothing just for attention, I have a lot more reason to be depressed or upset than they do. It seems like a lot of the people I know are extremely immature, and it makes me upset to be friends with people who are "bad" people, but then I have to remind myself that not everyone is perfect and we all have our things about us that piss other people off. Obviously I piss some people off, I don't know who or why, but I'm sure it happens. I guess accepting that makes it a lot easier to understand.

I really feel used by certain people at times. I guess we're all looking for something or some one eventually though. Right now, I miss the idea of a relationship, but I don't think I could handle one. I feel bad for whoever I choose to be with next, because now I'll have serious trust and jealousy issues, not even my fault, but just, because of certain things.

I just wish people weren't so fucking insecure and immature that they would lie to some one they care about. I feel like I've just matured already, I was always real mature for my years (in some ways more than others), and I feel like a lot of people can't handle college drama or stupid fucking drama all because of drunk sex or whatever in THE FUCK these people are upset about. Jesus christ. Now the Real World makes so much more sense, lol.

I better go to bed before I start thinking about the past. Sometimes, I feel like I just ignore all of the bad shit that has happened to me in the past couple years. Like honestly, I don't feel like I've really "dealt" with the death of my grandpa, otherwise I wouldn't start crying when I thought extensively about it. And I don't feel like I've "dealt" with Logan, and I don't think I've "dealt" with the fact that the places I grew up in won't really be my homes anymore. Wow. That's depressing. Why do I do this? I figure I have to deal with it eventually. Every now and then I just start thinking about it and realizing that I ignore a lot of my feelings and just don't think about them. I wonder if this is a good or bad thing? Is this "dealing with my problems maturely"? Or just ignoring the idea that I could actually have a problem?

I don't think I have problems. Just issues that I choose not to acknowledge because I know they'll make me depressed or upset, and I hate being depressed and upset.

I guess accepting is all you really can do. But Logan still has a lot of my clothes and I want that fucking shit back.

Just like 2ge+her said, "The hardest part of breaking up, is getting back your stuff"
the clothesline of cold eyes

(no subject)

i am so utterly sick of arizona and i want to leave as soon as i possibly can.

i hate that my car was totalled, not even by me, but by people that i trusted it with.

it reminds me of when my dad said "you shouldn't be so trusting beth" my freshman year of college....

then i get my laptop, ps2, bike, and CDs stolen.

and now my car gets totalled.

and i dont like it here.

and i miss michigan.

and i miss everyone there and everything about it.

sorry arizona, you have cool mountains, but that's about it.
the clothesline of cold eyes

(no subject)

I have less than a month left at Michigan State University.

I will then be going home for christmas break, and leaving for Arizona january 3rd or 4th.

Not sure when I'll be coming back, I hopefully want to stay there all summer as well as the spring semseter.

I'm so excited to go there.
I'm terrified of leaving.

People are changing, I'm changing, my old houses are changing, life is changing.

so fucking fucking fucking wierd.

i'm going to miss everyone so god damn much.

I want to try to hang out with everyone before I leave. I'm also going to try to convince my dad to let me have a goodbye party at his house before I go, which everyone should come out to.

the clothesline of cold eyes

(no subject)

ooo i haven't written in livejournal in forever.
but i know i should because it is the chronicles of my life.

esp. right now at college because eventually i would like to look back on these entries and be like "wow i remember that".

I did that with my old livejournal a while ago, I read about my trip to Germany and about Mat and Kefka and Jordan and all of my ex's and how immature but emotional I was.
God I miss that.

Now, I sort of just feel like I'm waiting for something. I can't really explain it though. I just keep thinking of how things were or how I was and comparing it to myself now. I feel so comfortable with me right now, It's just so insane and after years of not liking myself and having low self esteem and feeling like I always needed to impress people, I'm just finally content when I look in the mirror.

I wish everyone could feel that way, it took me forever.

I'm leaving to Arizona next semester. I should so going, leaving sounds like I'm not coming back, but I am. I think.
Ethnographic Field School hell yeah. For the whole semester, in historic mile-high Prescott. How quaint.
I can't say that I'm not excited, because I know I'll value this in years to come. I don't want to leave everyone though, I'm going to miss all of my friends at state and my parents terribly, and I get choked up thinking about this stage of life where I won't have a substantial "home" to come back to.

I guess that's all a part of growing up right?

I'm at this stage where I don't know if I want to go into Cultural Anthropology or Archaeology. I'm thinking about taking a 4-week Study Abroad program in England for Archaeology, I really want to study the Iron Age (and see fucking STONEHENGE MY GOD!).

I think it will all work itself out.

And I'm having trouble meeting people again. Being single seems so easy just to get back into. I just miss having someone to cuddle with at night though. But god I sure do have a lot less stress to handle now, and a lot less aggression.

I just have this thing where anytime some one hits on me I automatically think they're trying to get into my pants so I'm a bitch to them and I just walk away even though I always complain about not having anybody even though I don't want a relationship and it's all quite jumbled up at the moment!

And I wish I wasn't so angry about people still being friends with Shay. It just pisses me off because I can't believe how anyone could forgive her after what she did (oh don't worry, Logan is completely out of the picture), and just act like she didn't completely fuck me over.

But then I realize that there's a limited amount of cool people in Shelby Township and that there's shit else to do. I almost feel sorry for all my friends that still live there, because the more I stay in East Lansing the more I realize what an uneventuful, fucked up, boring suburban town shelby twp is.

I just hope to go that I don't ever live there again. I would much rather live in Warren with my dad, not that I don't love my mom, but at least shit happens there, and if not, there's always Royal Oak or Detroit.

But now I'm in East Lansing and I love it here, I love all of the people and I love all of the experiences I'm having.

It's only going to get better from here.
the clothesline of cold eyes

(no subject)

well it's already june 6th. when the fuck did that happen?

work is tiring. although im very happy i'm working.
its one of my most rewarding jobs yet, great pay, great place, great people, great hours...
but i dont want to sink into another summer of just working and not camping and doing thing.

although i know in july, i'm going to washington DC for a week through the Change it '06 program, sponsored by Greenpeace and Seventh Generation.
It's a leadership summit, hopefully to gain all the experience I need to make my club at state successful next year.

im excited for logie to come back fromt texas.
although at the same time, i want him to go to Arizona to be with his band, make some headway, push their CD, and play some shows.

I mean I'm going to arizona next spring semester anyway, only an hour away from where he'd live, so it's not that bad.

i dont know.

all i do know is, i'm going to see the Omen tonight and im fucking excited.
the clothesline of cold eyes

(no subject)

watching 8 mile right now.

i hate it when my room is messy, but it seems like i can never get it clean.

i've been really sick these past few days, which really sucks because i've been feeling so out of it, i haven't been wanting to do anything.

but i did go to this amazing wiccan store, well not neccessarily wiccan, but you get the idea, and bought a book and met an amazing lady who i want to get to know. i have so many books but i need to catch up on my reading, it feels like i never have time to read but i know i need to because whenever i do my tarot cards, they say that i need to develop my pyschic awareness. so i'm going to do that.

i bought a bunch of alcohol but i dont even know if i can drink tonight.

i'm really excited for the protest next week. the advisor for our club let me announce some stuff in his class, so i'm relaly hoping more people get involved. i hate how people are so unfeeling to the destruction of our environment, people just view it as this separate thing from them, they never take the time to think about it.

but hopefully since i started this club more people will want to get involved because we're going to do a lot cooler shit than that fucking ECO club.

i want something new. i really hope i get an internship. STILL WAITING.
the clothesline of cold eyes

(no subject)

sitting at school.
got 4 hours of sleep last night.

soooo tired. but i think i did mediocre on my exam today.
i've been really trying to get my grades up this semester.
more like these last weeks.
i need to do better than I did.

and I miss chelsea! she stayed here from monday til today.
ooo how much fun we have.

i just went on a star wars binge. i love that shit.
i want to be a fucking jedi.
seriously, i so bet you can learn the ways of a jedi at some wack ass star wars conference.
but im for real.

but yeah i've been praying to get this internship.
pleeasseee pleaaasseee pleeeassee
the guy said he'd let me know buy the middle of the week.
god dammit.
its funny how i miss home, i miss being best friends will all my friends at home, but i dont want to be there the whole summer
mostly i just dont want to get a fucking job and spend my summer getting drunk every night

i just want to DO SOMETHING
even if i dont get the internship i'll kidnap all of you and take you on a roadtrip

it's wierd. i feel like my friends here at state arent like, my REAL friends...
i mean, all of them are really great and we have a lot of fun
but i just dont feel like ihave a best friend anymore
and back at home, i just feel wierd hanging out with my friends
like we're not close anymore

it makes me really sad, like i'm in this transitional phase of my life where i have to start letting things/people go to do what's important to me, which is what my tarot cards said when i was 12.

but i still miss having best friends that are always there to talk to.
i miss the fucking AV's.
i miss those summer nights.

i'll just have to make this one count
the clothesline of cold eyes

(no subject)

i was on the CATA bus the other day, coming from downtown lansing, going back to my dorm.
i saw this lady on the bus, she wasn't young or old, but aged. she had a small bag of groceries with her, cheap clothes on, a small little haircut and a really smug but gentle face.

i couldnt help but reach out to her. she looked like if I asked her about her life, she would respond that she doesn't have a lot to say about it. she just looked to typical, so dull and used to riding on the bus to get groceries, doing all that she can.

i dont know, i just kept looking at her and thinking. i wanted to ask her what her story was.

the more i think about it, the more i'm interested. that's why i love my career. i'm jsut going to ask people to tell me their story my whole life. it's so interesting just to see how people got where they were.

we're all so focused on our lives all the time
"oh god i have to get this paper done"
"what the fuck am i going to do tonight?"
"i need some new pants"
"i wonder what he'll say"

it's just wierd to think that everyone else is going through that too. i think it's important to stop and take a minute every now and then and look at some one and just imagine how their lives must have been, you can tell a lot from a person just by the way they look. or not.
this woman on the bus could have been a professor just taking the bus to save gas, going home to her mansion.

if some one asked you what your story was, would you tell them?