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[13 Feb 2006|05:57pm]

hit that up, and be honest.
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[29 Dec 2005|06:21am]
does anyone else think it's a good idea to make a line of religious juice boxes called 'fruit of thy womb'?
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[28 Oct 2005|09:22pm]
i barely use this thing, but i gave up and added everyone i know anyway because i wanted to make it easier to read everyone's and see all those friends only posts.
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[02 Jul 2005|03:54pm]

...Collapse )
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[22 Apr 2005|12:16am]
So what's a bitch to do?

I actually don't write in here so often because I've had a deadjournal since the summer before 9th grade. So in case you really wanted to hear all the day to day thoughts: www.deadjournal.com/users/mebririth
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[09 Mar 2005|01:59am]

My fears have proven themselves to be much more like the 7th grade than I could have ever hoped for. They have faded even quicker than my Jesus-believing phase or the color in my favorite pair of underwear. It continues to snow and we continue to be sent home early and miss school days. I guess this is one of those terribly cold frigid winters. It's strange because it hasn't felt that way regardless of how many evenings I've spent freezing at the train station with chain smoking as my only sign of life and all the days bundled up and the nights bunkered down and the ridiculous amount of shoveling I haven't actually done myself. Weekdays pick up a general routine of school, going to the gym, napping, feeling guilty for napping, and talking on the telefone. Weekends are filled with plans and un-plans as I can't seem to sit still. Friends driving, coming in quietly at odd hours, unexpected trips with unexpected people to unexpected places, finding myself more often smiling stupidly and wondering "what the fuck?, and communication. It's as if I never even knew people could really talk. I am always aware that things change, but it seems like I never fully believe or remember it until they just do.

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[08 Jan 2005|12:03pm]

Last night I went to Kevin's house. John read my palms and told me I will have a long life ending in a terrible sickness and that no one will ever be very jealous of me. We invented the new genre ghost-punk as well as an indian tribe. John wore one of my red gloves claiming that it kept him warm and he put my coat on for me to encourage me to go outside and share cigarettes as if they were joints. I would say it was a really good time. On the way to the train station I met Michael, a chef raised in the Virgin Islands, who just wanted to get his beer out of the bushes and prove "not all black is bad".

Last night I dreamed I had a conversation with my english teacher about how drinking heavily is the only way to get a good deep night of sleep. It was a real melancholy conversation. We were at a restaurant and we had rented part of it to have christmas and I saw a man at another table on a romantic date with a bit of fire on the edge of his suit. A few minutes later the man burst into flames and i did not feel guilty for not telling anyone he had that little spot of fire. Everyone went into a panic and left, abandoning me with our christmas tree and gifts which i just couldn't leave. The man was put out or dragged out or something and I was just all alone with this goddam holiday disaster not feeling a smidge of guilt or anything really. I get all robotic like that sometimes. A lot of people say they could never kill a man, but I know if I was in a situation and needed to, I just could.

all the pictures were taken with my shitty pinhole camera which is literally just a wooden box with a wooden shutter on a screw and a piece of black cardboard with a teeny tiny hole in it.
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i drink too much and don't know much of anything [04 Jan 2005|08:15pm]
i'm beginning to see that it's not any one person that i miss, but more just being in a group. sleeping in someone else's bed. knowing that so and so is doing this and that and will be here at such and such a time. there's no wit and no beauty. just people and throw up in sinks and pasta burned on stoves and feeling O.K. all the damn time. just white out on toenails and jonbenet ramsey on tv and almost empty bottles of malibu hiding in the closet. and talking about life like it's glamorous and sensational and important, but living through every second of it like it hurts and never really noticing anything.

and knowing everyone knows but they don't know which know your are knowing right now because it's all their life and their mood and their movie and the know that they know now and maybe the know you know that they'll know some other time soon and try to tell you that you know but you won't know right then at that time because you'll be knowing something else.

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i am progressing abominably [25 Dec 2004|09:35am]
Wesoly Swiet Bozego Nardzenia!

I had a very Polish Chrstmas. Not a single flake of snow. I don't care if it's supposed to be a white christmas, I like the sun. Everytime I see my family they make me play harp and then answer five thousand questions about it. I guess I secretly like the attention.

NO morning santa. Long periods of boredom. I mixed all the jelly belly bean flavors and sewed basically anything I could find onto a sweater. It's my coat of chachskis, which I spelled horribly wrong but I don't want to ask polish grandma again.

Uhm. Merry Christmas.
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i woke up late to the sound of drums [19 Dec 2004|09:53pm]
this weekend was long, but went by fast. i purchased a hot pink change purse with an embroidered crawfish and the elliott erwitt book i've wanted forever. kate brought me a bag full of salt bagels from her work. i got lost driving to surf taco and painted a portrait of a butt entitled "just buns" for michelle. a girl i had just met gave me cigarettes, pink lemonade, and a string bracelet. i sewed buttons for hours and walked all the way to the shopping center behind my house to get rid of a plastic bag filled with empty alcohol bottles. i left an eyeball on the train for someone to come across. it really should snow, right now.
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in the book of right-ons, right-on, it's right-on [18 Dec 2004|10:48pm]

i'm working on being more impulsive. it might be fun.
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slowly as the copier runs out of ink, i fade [16 Dec 2004|08:23pm]

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[15 Nov 2004|06:50pm]
Viva le Ol' Dirty Bastard.
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[11 Nov 2004|09:46pm]
You can bury all sorts of things in me. A memory, a secret, an axe...
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praise the lord and pass the ammunition [09 Nov 2004|08:15pm]
I often see tombstones with a name, year of birth, and a hyphen. Like a wide open mouth waiting to be fed, the stones as teeth to crush you up. Imagine what it must be like to walk the cemetary and see that inscription waiting for you, to see what lies ahead. To see the final end result to anything you will ever do, spliced and laid out. Every morning another step to the faceless earth and the cold black bodies beneath.

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"every generation wants to be the last..." [08 Nov 2004|10:00pm]
i can't imagine dying without being everything. i have to see space, make scientific discoveries, write books, suffer illnesses, get addicted to drugs, paint masterpieces, drive everywhere. i have to jump off cliffs and become embroiled in scandals and crimes. i have to starve for days and hang limply from the arms. i have to witness the end of the world: the distasters, the stars caving in. i have to be everyone, experience everything from the first cell forming to the last explosion of the last universe when nothing else will evolve from the dust. i would probably choose immortality, to watch everything and everyone i know die. for some strange reason, it's what i've come to expect. there's some rational philosophical or psychological explanation out there, i know it. but still, way to set yourself up for diappointment.
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you there, i see you again... [06 Nov 2004|10:39pm]
Have you ever flushed the toliet eventhough you knew someone was in the shower simply because you cannot make yourself care anymore and people will just have to fucking deal with it?

The four day weekend has been generally comfortable and happy. Today we went into the city to see Columbia and NYU. Being around so many people gives me energy. I saw a foreign woman staring up at the sky and she said, "They don't have stars in America."
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apathy '04 [02 Nov 2004|07:54pm]
Lately I've been having dreams where I do all these god-awful things. I steal and shout and fart and commit inappropriate sexual acts, all in public. I don't remember them right when I wake up so I find myself suddenly shocked in the middle of the day wondering if I really did take a friend's pair of pants, or masturbate on a bus.

Yesterday I put another set of holes in my ears and snuggled up while watching Hamlet. It felt nice but horrible.
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[01 Nov 2004|04:28pm]
I love indian summer.
i've been getting a lot of jamais vu today.
reading some philosophy for a nice mind fuck.
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[30 Oct 2004|08:04am]
In naval science we watched an old video about the universe and I learned little details about quasars and the death of stars and light hitting us that was formed during prehistoric times and all sorts of things. I want to be a scientist. It would be so much better than writing the same words over and over. But 'astronomy makes a better hobby'. What a hobby, to feel all the mystery of the universe crushing you to death while you get to focus on test scores and nailpolish colors and fast food burritos.

When I'm in a bad mood I usually just say I feel like I have to throw up. And everyone says "Don't throw up on me." And I translate the meaning very loosely.
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