(no subject)

Okay, I was going to write all my feelings to Yahoo Answers, but who needs it? We all have it in us to solve our own problems, and we just post on the internet so other people can validate what we were already thinking. But that just leads to an anxiety about what nasty things people might say.

I think I am getting close to really departing from my family. I keep feeling like getting into graduate school far away would be the best thing that could happen to me. It’s weird. I have an attachment to my mom, but it’s not healthy. I am starting to realize how much she fucked me up by neglecting me emotionally and making me feel guilty every time I wanted to take a risk. The crazy thing is, I’m not truly an anxious person. I have anxious genes and laid back genes, and based on my experiences, it seems it’s up to will power which one will be dominant on a given day. Every negative, self-effacing thing I do, I learned from my mom. Is it her fault? I don’t know. I don’t know the extent to which she can control the terrible things she does and does not do. I’m not trying to blame her. I’m trying to decide, legitimately, if I can salvage my emotional health without detaching from her completely.

It’s really hard for me to say if I am laid back in a normal relationship. I’ve never been in one. I’ve only been close to my parents, who are both emotionally closed off (my mom is, at the same time, histrionic—yes it’s possible); my sister, who can be pretty selfish herself; an alcoholic ex-boyfriend; and a few friends here and there. Now, I have had relatively normal friendships with certain people. A lot of my relationships have been colored by my preoccupation with impressing some far-off person, no, someone who is always just out of reach. I’ve been doing it less as I get older, but at various times in my life I have escaped it but reverted in a time of stress. It’s like I want to feel like I have the chance to connect with someone, but I don’t actually want to connect with someone. Can I put my finger on any qualitative difference between the people I yearned to know and the people I stepped on to try to know them? Not really. In my head, those out-of-reach people were always perfect. But in some cases, I actually did reach these people temporarily, and they became average, no longer perfect. Yet I still repeated the pattern.

If I had to name someone I admire now, I don’t think I could. I don't really even want to be like the Bouncing Souls anymore. But I can’t say having no role models is a good thing, since I have been uncharacteristically depressed.

But back to my home life. Well, it totally sucks. I just want my home to be a secure base. I am still trying to get over my social anxiety, discomfort, Asperger's, or whatever it is. But I live in an unsupportive environment, and of course there is no such thing as a private public place, so I have nowhere to go where I can just be myself, not worry about who is around, and focus on personal growth. There is nowhere.

God. FUCK. I don’t know what the FUCK I want anymore. Everything I ever wanted always came from someone else. ALWAYS. Even when I tried to make myself seem totally unique. I don’t know how to be unique. I don’t know how to be myself. But then I think, souls aren’t real. We are what our brain predetermines us to be, combined with whatever our upbringing throws into the mix. And as for me, I just systematically take in the environment and spit back nonsensical versions of it. Like some kind of computer. Maybe everyone is doing that, but unable to perceive it.

I’m being too analytical, though. A want is something that can easily be intuited and felt viscerally. And I have felt it before. And after all, everything I’ve gotten into, though shaped by others, has been something that truly made endorphins in my brain. I could just as easily have looked up to the soccer player Mia Hamm when my stepsister did, but I didn’t, because it wasn’t one of my potential trajectories.

I’m not 100% sure where I’m going with this, by the way, but for some reason the physical act of typing out things that were only from my mind just makes me feel so much better. Well, I kind of feel numb. I don’t know how I can be happy.

Now, let me think of the things that give me pleasure, that I gravitate towards. Let’s separate out the things that are just homeostatic and universal… food, sex, human connection, etc. What else makes me happy? Lots of things, I guess, but they are generally centered around art and intellect. Also, I do have an unhealthy obsession with global impact and solving community problems, BUT it feels like an obligation. Not the kind that is socially forced and you don’t want to do it on any level. I want to do it, but only because I feel like it’s my (and everyone’s) duty to solve every single problem I can, because there are just so many problems. So, in my head, the best way to do that is systematically, so I have the dream of starting a huge, systematic organization. But I have no way of predicting whether that achievement would truly make me happy. I’m pretty much 50/50 on it. I’d love to try it, and I wouldn’t feel bad for the lost time if I didn’t like it, but I’d feel guilty if I accepted funding and faith from people and gave up later. I guess that’s why I’m not putting my heart into it. But maybe I should trust that, if I don’t put my heart into it, I don’t really want to do it? But that would mean I don’t really want to do anything. I only put energy into school work, but I already hate where that leads, and do that out of obligation and default at best.

Really, the way I picture myself is just this lazy, immobile lump, desperate for human connection but not putting any effort into it. That pretty much sums it up.


(no subject)

Lately I’ve been trying to improve myself and I’ve actually had improvements. I’ve also been thinking a LOT about what makes me happy and why I put my energy into certain things. This is because I’ve had to wonder, if I really enjoy what I’m doing now, why do I always feel so depressed and unsatisfied?

First, let me go over some things I read online about making friends. First, I read that lonely people learn to distract themselves from their loneliness and adapt to it. I am definitely doing this. I get sucked into the computer and make up tons of things I “have” to do there, things I want to do, etc. so that I can never spend enough time on the computer. I always feel occupied when I use it, never bored or lonely. If people try to talk to me or interrupt my internet time, I get angry. Could this really all just be a distraction? I think I should start logging my time to see how I really waste it. Also, instead of assuming there is nothing better to do, I should make a list of things I can do at home, and events where I can make new friends, and places I can check out, and make it a point to do something interesting offline every day. If I have no reason to use it, I will turn it off. Then when people come in, I won’t have to freak out quite as much. Or maybe I won’t even be here!

It also says that lonely people expect friends to happen to them and don’t do any work. This is true for me, since I grew up making friends that way and up until recently it always worked. When it stopped working, I did start trying to approach people, but nothing ever came of it. However, this guide is saying that once you are talking to someone, you should assume that YOU are the one who has to ask them to hang out first. They could be too shy to ask, or they may not have thought about hanging out with you but they would if they thought about it. The main thing is I have to stop worrying about looking weird or “eager,” and stop worrying about rejection. The vast majority of people will probably say yes, and we will have a good time. And once I start racking up successes, any failures won’t be a big deal.

Another website brings up another good point, which is more about being a good friend and maintaining friends (but may apply to initial conversations as well). Don’t talk badly about other people! I wouldn't do that in front of someone I barely know, but I do it sometimes in front of friends and acquaintances. Well, it says that whatever you say about another person, people will associate it with you. So you want to say only good things.

Okay, so improvements, little things we can celebrate. The smallest one is that I have been snapping less at my family and spending a little more time with them. I still have problems that will be another day’s work. I have been hanging out with my sister MUCH more, although our relationship is extremely ambivalent. For some reason, we can’t break the cycle of mutual judgment and sabotage. I guess it’s because our relationships with our parents, and our support from them, seem so fickle and finite that we feel we have to fight over it. I guess I should be the one to stop, and then she will too.

I have also been initiating social contact a lot more. I just feel like the conversations I’ve always had with people next to me in class have been a lot more successful this year. I have been practicing social skills that I read about online, and though I expect these friendships to end with the semester, I feel like these people do respect and like me. Next semester maybe I can gain the courage to hang out with someone. Outside of school though, I’ve been going to Montclair Vegan meetups.  Having veganism in common with someone makes it really easy to gain rapport and like each other. The people there recognize me and, I think, enjoy talking to me. I don’t even think it’s necessary to hang out elsewhere, since these meetups will continue, but “mixing” there is great practice for doing so elsewhere. 


(no subject)

I feel kind of ill right now. My level of everyday functioning has (I sincerely hope) hit rock bottom. I have been spending as little time as possible in school, slacking off a bit, ignoring my family, and completing a years-long pulling away from the few friends I did have. I keep telling myself that I will make friends later and be immediately immersed in a healthy social life (well, other people seem to do it), but it is like those people who spend every cent they get and expect to save later. What if I die alone? What if I die tomorrow, as I know I will be alone then?

I am still struggling to figure out specifically what my goals are relating to socializing and connecting with people. But I do know that I want the social competence to live independently, in the modern American society with no outside help from my parents or anyone else. I don’t know what else I want, and I’m not going to task myself with that self-discovery at this time. Right now I will work on changing the obvious things that need to be changed.

First, I should lower my standards of relationships and be grateful for (and take care of) what I have. I should put in extra effort to rekindle those old close friendships that I’ve had. Every time I hang out with one of these people, I feel kind of normal. There is no faking involved, because they respect my unique values and behaviors. I love every one of these people that I loved at one point, but I just sometimes forget. I don’t want them to disappear from my life so quickly, especially if I might be moving away permanently for grad school. If I don’t put in effort, they won’t. And all of these people had common interests with me and activities we enjoyed together, so I should go back to them. This goes for my family too, who do sincerely want a relationship with me. I need to remember that a lot of my quirks are far more annoying than most of my reasons to reject or withdraw from certain people, at least from everyone else’s point of view. I can learn to cope with these quirks in other people. I can learn to take my life more slowly. I don’t always have to be learning or doing something productive or working on my mental health. Sometimes, I can just go with the flow. Well, it seems like I can’t right now, but I have done it in the past. Think of all those times where I was bored and I wanted friends, and someone would ask, “Where do you want to go?” and I would say, “I don’t care.” Or they would ask, “Do you want to go” to some random place, and I would say, “Sure, why not?” Or they would apologize for causing me inconvenience, and I would sincerely say, “That’s totally fine.” You don't need a peaceful person to imitate. Find that place inside you that is calm and content.

Second, I need to be happy with myself beyond my feelings of acceptance from other people. Lately I haven’t been trying to be my ideal self, but when I know I am trying, I can learn to accept myself. Not only will this reduce my discomfort with not having any connections and feeling judged by others, but it will actually make me more likeable and better able to cope with these situations I find so stressful. I think the most important thing is to accept myself unconditionally. So, before I work on anything, I need to make the decision that I am a well-intentioned person and I will not be harsh on myself, the same way I am trying to learn not to be harsh on others. But after that, I should start pursuing the interests and groups that I truly value, and I should strive to be a better person. There are social difficulties I have that cause me to appear aloof and insensitive, and these may not be so amenable to quick fixes. However, I can easily seek out more ways to give in my life. And when someone says something bad about me or my character, I should learn what I can from it and then ignore it. It may be something true that I have not heard before. If it’s not, that reflects poorly on the speaker, not on me. As I work on these issues, these comments will diminish.

I’m still not sure if graduate school is the right choice for me. But I should focus on completing the applications and functioning well in college. I still have six months before graduation (and another three odd months before attending graduate school), which is plenty of time to research my future city and develop the skills I need to move away. There are so many things I could be doing. I am just so scared, and it is still surreal for me to imagine a life of independence.

Some things I can work on immediately before I report back tomorrow or next week: (1) meditate (will help with everything); (2) practice independent living skills; (3) reconnect with my interests; (4) consciously try to become happier with myself and the world around me; (5) find ways to give more; and (6) contact old friends and attempt to make concrete plans.


I'm so lost, I'm barely here.

Oh, fuck, did I just quote 2003 blink-182? I think I did... :P

But no, in all seriousness, I am fucking exhausted. I don't know who's reading this, but I guess for once I don't care. I want to talk, but I have no one to turn to. It's either you're not here or you just don't understand.

I think everyone must go through some kind of identity crisis at my age, right? You're being forced to continue with institutionalized education even though you've been hating it for 12 years, and everyone is pressuring you to decide what you're gonna do. What the fuck are you going to do? The crisis, for me, is simple. I don't belong in this paradigm. I know exactly who I am... well, I don't really know what it means to know "who you are," but I do know what makes me happy, what doesn't, what I believe in, how various types of experiences make me feel. I know a lot because there is only one thing I'm not afraid of, and that's digging deep inside of my own heart and mind, gathering images and taking notes. It's all I've ever been good at, all I've ever really accomplished, in as long as I can remember. I've found a lot in there.

You know, I'm getting the hang of college. Or, I was. It's not so different from high school. Each professor wants to take away a specific part of your soul - it's easy to find, easy to remove and hand over. You get by. You can be an overachiever or you can be a slacker; you can be outgoing and have everyone know your name, or you can be the loner and sit in the corner that people will later remember being an empty spot. There are still clicks - the people in them are just more open-minded, or at least they were in the beginning. I guess everything begins that way, and slowly narrows over time. I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want it for my mind or for my heart. I want to be open forever and ever and ever and-- But what I don't get is why someone else has decided everything for me. It seems as though they had before I was even born. There's a preset path, a conveyor belt. You stare at the back of someone's head for your whole life and someone else is staring at yours. I have no alternative right now. Everyone tells me that means I have to stay. I know that if I were smart, I would, and I am smart, but when I get to thinking, I'm really not sure why. Is it, like, if I can't be who I want to be, this way I'll always be able to fall back on the cubicle life? Is it really? Because I've never been one to settle, really. I'm an all or nothing type of person. That's why I'll be celibate for life; that's why I don't skip class; that's why I never quit anything that I think might pan out. But I don't think this will.

I am a very eclectic person and my interests are as varied as a film snob's trivia repertoire. I'd like to think I'd be happy anywhere, although I don't see why someone as smart and strong-willed as I should have to settle for something very far down on the list. My top five jobs, in order, are: musician, writer, nonprofit executive/founder, artist, and clinical psychologist. Clinical psychology is essentially a pipe dream because there's no way in hell I'm staying in school until I'm 27, or older! The first four jobs are all entrepreneurial, based on talent, based on determination, to an extent. There are plenty of professionals in each of those categories who have no college education whatsoever. Does a degree enhance those, as any, fields? Surely. But it is not entirely necessary, and I don't think that being utterly miserable is some sort of "rite of passage" to living life. (And if it is, I think I've gone long enough already!)

Would I have nothing to do if I dropped out? No way. I would have busy days holed up in my bedroom playing music; writing songs, stories, articles, and whatever else; working diligently on the website for my aspiring organization; drawing; volunteering; probably working some kind of part- or full-time job; and whatever else I feel like. To me, that is not doing nothing. Also, while everyone tells me if I really love those things I should be doing them in my spare time (AND I AM), I feel that any one of them would have a better chance of panning out if I didn't have this big ugly raincloud of "homework" looming over me every second of every day. Honestly. Common sense. Everyone calls me naive, says I simply NEED college, that I have no idea what I'm talking about, that I don't know where I'll be, but I'm pretty sure I have a deeper understanding of my life and my needs than anyone else could. I'm not some lazy teenager; I am just someone who knows exactly where she wants to go, and that the beaten path can't take me there. Why doesn't anybody get it?! I may only be in school for three days a week, but I have to be in the dorm doing nothing for another one, and on those three days, I have no free time. I have to spend the entirety of the remaining four days doing school work. I'm taking 19 credits. I don't even want to talk about it. To be completely honest, I love learning. Most college students don't. I just hate institutionalized education. Most college students don't. I know a lot because I teach myself. I learn best when I can choose the schedule, when my progress isn't being assessed by someone who doesn't know anything about me. I'm fucking Socrates.

This is making me insane. No, really. I was trying to force myself to write a paper on medieval miracle plays earlier today, while simultaneously working on some Java problems, and worrying about memorizing some ancient songs, reading more plays, and writing a paper about some arbitrary business topic (which I have to do every single week, mind you). Anyway, I was thinking about school and I started to feel like I couldn't feel anything anymore. I couldn't get into the work at all, but it wasn't just that. I lost my sense of being, almost. I had this impossible need to cry... I put on a sad movie, Garden State, my favorite. I watched it all the way through like a zombie, and nothing happened. I do believe I smiled at the ending, but I didn't cry one tear. I put on some sad songs that never fail to make me cry, and still nothing happened. I just lay still on my bed for awhile letting iTunes choose some music for me to listen to, and suddenly I just felt trapped in my own body. Like, I just wanted to get out, but I couldn't. I started... I don't know what you would call it, writhing? Every part of my body began to feel restless, and I couldn't keep still. I couldn't lie flat on the bed; I couldn't stop clenching and unclenching my fists, and kicking my legs, and turning my body different ways, back and forth and back and forth. I think I got some very, very frustrated tears out of that endeavor, yes. Hallelujah, huh? I don't know what that was. A common panic attack, something no one's ever experienced before, or something in between. I mean, I'm used to forgetting how to breathe, but this was far more intense.

Thank you, New Jersey, for the free shitty food, dirty living quarters and dirty looks, and all the great, great, great, great knowledge. I'd just like to thank you for making me feel trapped in the only place I ever had any hope of loving, belonging. I know I earned it, being a chump for 12 years, doing everything they told me to, just saying "no" to my dreams, swallowing my pride and my self esteem with it, and allowing you to tell me I was doing the right thing. Thanks.

This is just one of those times... I'm not really sure if it will get better anymore. All the hope I've had, it's been taken away from me. I try to get it back, but I'm so tired. My eyes sting, and I can barely move my arms enough to finish typing this. And I've been listening to the Bouncing Souls for a couple of hours, yes. It's almost like there's nothing left.

SORRY I'M EMO. If anyone cares. I really am sorry. I'm a fucking pushover - I'll take any amount of discomfort to make other people comfortable. But today, I just suddenly don't care. I just want someone to fucking talk to. And not on here, either. Someone real with a kind face and open arms and a warm hug and... the answer. I want a friend. Siiiiiigh.
  • Current Music
    Bouncing Souls - Midnight Mile

LeATHERMOUTH record release show

So I decided to take the time to write a personal review of my experience at the LeATHERMOUTH XO record release show... which was on Tuesday, January 27, 2009, 7 pm "sharp," at Vintage Vinyl in Fords, NJ. Sorry, I have no pictures, but I can share words. And be forewarned, this isn't all about the show... it's about how the day went and what the fan environment was like and how I felt, as well as the show. And it's really long and rambly because... well, that's what I do. But I can guarantee you, if you read the whole thing, it's like you were there. hahaha.

Okay let me just say, the things I go through for this band! (Okay, yes, it would be more appropriate to say "this man." Shall we bring out the tattoo? http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y164/lastnightilie/bunnytat1.jpg) As soon as the show was announced, I started lamenting the possibility that I could not go, asking for rides, seeing if I could drive myself, and learning about train schedules. And of course spending some of my last dollars I have on that CD, wristband and ridiculous shipping charges. It turns out everything worked and I got a ride from my good friend Shannon of Massachusetts, who happens to come here for LeATHERMOUTH shows all the time. But fellow fans understand our pains, right? These lyrics, these shows, they exemplify something intangible that we almost can't live without once we know of it. For once, you feel understood, you feel avenged, you feel like you belong. And then you're like, "God I wish I could thank the person who gave this to me!" and oh look, you can! He stands there waiting patiently for you to say whatever you want to him. Ahhh, the most amazing thing. To everyone who hasn't experienced it yet, I hope you do... even though it's addicting and terrible for your health, don't die without it. lmao.

Okay, so Tuesday is my day off from college. I was just hanging out in my dorm. I did have about seven homework assignments, but I didn't care. I decided to write a letter to Frank instead because it felt necessary. The gist of it was, "I think you're amazing because..." I listed 5 reasons. Like I have to tell anyone but him why he's amazing, hahaha. For kicks, the number 5 reason was "Who, me? Amazing?" But yeah. The rest of the letter was basically, "friends all over the world from Skeleton Crew. Thank you. You inspire me to stand up for myself. You inspired me to start a nonprofit organization. LeATHERMOUTH makes me feel understood. Thank you. Thank you again." You know, haha. Anyway, by the time I'd finished writing it, it was 3:30 and Shannon was outside. We got lost a few times once we were in the area (that section of NJ is very odd), but I found our way with my skillz and we got there around 4:30.

The line was kind of long, but I have friends who got there mad early. Heh. I went inside to get my CD, then I went back inside with my friend Marissa because it turns out we're both addicted to collecting music and we had nothing else to do! It was pretty comical. LeATHERMOUTH was sound checking. There were a good amount of people failing miserably at pretending to look through music but actually watching the soundcheck. Marissa and I were totally immersed in browsing, though. I was like in heaven looking at all the music. (Why don't we have any good record stores in north Jersey? :[ ) In fact, I couldn't even see the stage from where I was standing, and I was just vaguely nodding my head to the beat. I have a problem- did I mention I'm not allowed to shop in record stores? Yeah, but it was okay because I didn't have any money on me anyway. But while I was doing that, I saw Frank on the other side of the room looking through records, and I was just like, to myself, "Okay sorry but this is epic." So then I went outside because really, I didn't even have any money! And I pretty much stayed out there until doors.

We made friends with these people who came all the way from Vancouver, Canada, who were really nice, tbh, so we were having silly conversations. But there was this obnoxious snob behind us who was "drunk," but I still think she was faking it. I'm not going to mention names, even though everyone who was there knows who I'm talking about. I don't like her, but some of the people with her, I actually do like. Anyway, she was pretty hypocritical, I think her spiel went something like this: "...fucking annoying, they're all just here because, 'OMG, FRANK EAR-OH!' [don't know if the mispronunciation was intentional - she was pretty stupid] And then some people say, 'oh LeATHERMOUTH is a good hardcore band!' but they're really not... he just wants to say, 'oh I'm sad' and complain. It's like, you have too many friends, you have too much money, you have a huge house, shut up. But everyone is obsessed with some retarded fat smoker." I'm only repeating these things so you can get a feel for how I was feeling. Remember, this was on line at a LeATHERMOUTH show, so... I could very well have capped that bitch right then and there, but you know, I held back. I was just really confused because she was claiming that Frank was nothing special, nor was LeATHERMOUTH, yet she'd been waiting for- "I think it's ridiculous that we have to wait six hours just to get a CD!" [Hun, no one told you to wait 6 hours, and honestly, you're waiting to see the show up close, not for the CD.] She went on to brag about how in touch she was, which I also found odd since she hates him so much. "I have Frank's email address, I email him all the time! Everyone's bragging that they were in the new MCR video, bitch, I was in Helena!" So I think ultimately, she is madly obsessed with My Chemical Romance, but hates obsessive fans? That's what I got from it. That's all well and good, and I can even accept the fact that she is mentally challenged and doesn't get the meaning of LM, but really, she didn't have to personally insult Frank, that made me angry. Then she was like on top of me, trying to get in the door first, and I was like, 0___o ew.

Oh! And he popped his head out for like one minute because Jamia was bringing in coffee and he was holding the door. But this girl didn't notice and kept rambling on and on, and like, right at that moment, she was like, "And I would just say, 'I LOVE YOU FRANKIE!'" and he was like 0_0 and it was just reallyyy funny. We were all laughing and she just kept going, "oh hahaha, I'm from Canada, I'm so funny!" Like, she had no idea what we were laughing at, it was priceless. I would have kicked her ass, though, if he had heard any of those terrible things she said about him.

When we finally went inside, we went into the first aisle. (Yeah, at Vintage Vinyl, the CD rack is the barricade, and you squeeze into aisles to watch the show.) The, um, snob went off to the side, though, and I felt kind of discouraged that Frank did know who she was and proceeded to sing to her part of the crowd a lot. It's okay, though, he didn't know - and it's better that he doesn't. The show was REALLY good. I was standing behind Marissa. I couldn't really see over her (or anyone's) head, but she let me lean on her back so it was all good, hah. Frank was crawling all over the CDs, standing on them, writhing, being amazing, being Frank. Watching this band play is really a beautiful thing, though. It's so, like, cathartic, I mean for the audience as well as the band. I could watch them all day. It's pretty hard to sing along, as always, he changes up verses and puts in different repetitions and leaves things out. That's part of what makes it amazing, though.

In the beginning of the show, Frank said something like (really my memory sucks - none of my quotes are exact), "Wow! I'm kind of surprised so many people showed up. Welcome to the LeATHERMOUTH record release show for XO. We've been a band for awhile, but this is our first CD. It took... three years for it to come out?" And he kept saying "I wish you guys were closer" or "Why are you guys so far away?" Uh... while Hambone was changing basses and Frank had to stall, he was like, "So... does anyone have any questions?" and the only interesting thing was, "Where did the mustache go?" I think he said, "It turned into a beard and spread all over my face like a disease." And then Snob kept complaining and at one point he was finally like, "shut UP." haha and it made me laugh. Uh, and then she was like, "If you're not from this country, go home!" And Frank had on this shocked face like at how rude that was, and then he was like, "Oh, you're a REPUBLICAN aren't you?" and that made me laugh too. (I just wanted to say I think that was really bitchy of her. I know how lucky I am that the person I admire most in the world happens to live in my backyard. Sure if I lived in Canada I would NEVER be able to come to Jersey for a show, but since I don't, I have no right to complain or tell people what they can or can't do. I love my S//C peeps all over the world.) Then she rambled more, and he said, "Thanks, you guys are really making this easier on me." Then she was like, "Shut up and sing!" And he was like, "hm, shut up and sing," like he was thinking about what he could sing or something... and then Hambone was like, "ok I'm ready," hahahah so they went back to playing.

At some point he stopped standing on the CDs and said, "Ahh, I'm so sorry if I broke anything. But everyone, don't follow my example, please do the exact opposite of what I did and support this store because it's so great that in this virtual world where everything's at your fingertips and no one really knows each other, we still have places like this. Really, I'm sorry if I broke something. I'll... wash dishes if you want?" (I love how Frank thinks he's still poor. HAHAHA.) And then at the end of the show, well, before the last song, he went into a speech thanking us: "Really, thank you so much for coming, everyone. I've wanted to play shows for my whole life, and every single one is amazing. Even the hardest times on the road are the best ones, and when you come out and support us, you're helping me to live my dream, so thank you so much. And I know it's hard to understand what I'm saying sometimes in this band, but I always think you should learn what a band is all about before you go to their shows and support them, so you can go on our website and read the lyrics, or if you want to buy the CD, the lyrics are in there too. Thank you so much!" It was just pure sap, Frank speech. LOVE.

Then for the signing, I tried to be the last person in line because I thought I could have more time to talk to him, if I somehow found the courage within me, but first off, some of the first people in line did a loop and went to the back of the line to talk to him twice. (I think that's why they started taking our wrist bands after we talked to the band.) And second, when we finally got to the table, it was just really awkward. All five of them looked like they didn't belong up there, hahaha, and they didn't speak much unless you spoke to them first. Hambone did look over the table at my feet to say, "Oh, good to see you've got them both on still." (In case you don't know, I lost a shoe at the last LM show and he helped me find it, hahaha.) Then Eddie was asking me my S//C username, and he thought I was Rachel (bowwowwoff), but I told him my username and he was all confused, lmao. I kind of ignored Rob and James because I didn't know what to say to them, and when I got to Frank I was speechless. That always happens. I was just like, "I wrote you a letter" and shoved it over to him. He was like, "Thanks!!!" and took it and shoved it in his coat pocket, and then he was like, "*smirk* Nice LeATHERMOUTH hoodie." I still couldn't talk but it made me giggle a little bit. (I was wearing an underOATH hoodie, with like their logo on it that's like the LM one.)

Someone told me that when she went up, she said, "There was hardly any spit this time" and Frank was like, "I know, you guys were so far away!" And she said, "You might feel better if you spit some water on me now." And he was like, "Noo, I don't want to make a mess, they're being so nice here!" HAHA. I thought it was funny. I love that guy, really, too much for my own good.

And so ended another great night! I can't wait for the next one, haha. I really wish I could know what he thought of my letter. I was really open and honest, so it wound up sounding pretty cheesy, but I allowed it because I figured he can appreciate it lol.
  • Current Music
    Good Charlotte - I Just Wanna Live [Amanda's so cool!]
  • Tags

best weekend ever?

Shit is crazy, it really is. First of all, I feel like I'm leading this double life where I happen to fit in equally well in each environment. During the week, I am college student extraordinaire; during the weekend, I am dedicated concert-goer. Of course, I can't help wishing the weekend could stretch out to five days and the week could shrink to two days, but I am relatively happy this way. I have to become a real part of this scene, I just have to. It's too amazing to pass up.

I came home from school on Friday and I didn't have much time to rest. I checked all of my online accounts (lol I'm a failure! or just a conformist, but aren't they the same?), then I took a shower and it was pretty much time to leave! We actually drove into New York City (my dad drove me and Sam, and my sister came for the ride). Pretty fucking stupid seeing as it was Friday night around 7 pm. Like Jersey people don't drive in there at that time to go see the interesting nightlife and plays? So basically we got stuck in traffic for about an hour and fifteen minutes, that's how long it took us to get to the venue, although I guess that's actually not too bad. But we were soooo bored. We broke out a Christmas CD because it was the best we had in the car. We blasted it as loud as possible, with the windows down, and singing and dancing along like lunatics. It was probably the best car ride of my life so far. (I'm not gonna say I'll never have better! lmao.) We got the strangest looks, going back and forth mainly between extreme amusement and extreme confusion. It was amazing. I think we actually tricked some people into thinking it was December.

Anyway, when we finally arrived at Terminal 5, there were a bunch of hipsters outside, so we walked around aimlessly. Then we ran into Leah. I got my will call ticket and we went inside together. There was hardly anyone standing close to the barricade, so we jumped on that shit. I was standing in the center, behind Leah. It was a good spot. The first band was Grey Area. I'd never heard of them before, but they were pretty good. Then, Sick of It All! What the hell? I didn't know they were even playing, as I live in a box, and sometimes when I see the phrase "bouncing souls" everything else kind of disappears. It's a weird phenomenon, but it is very helpful in troubled times. Anyway, I was kind of just like, "wow, I am watching Sick of It All." They are fucking legendary. I had a blast. Everyone was really into it. During those two bands though, I just kept allowing myself to be pushed farther and farther to the side of the crowd. I wanted to be able to see, but it was one of those really intense shows where huge guys were doing stage dives and somersaults over the crowd. I don't have the strength and I wasn't in the mood. It was still a great show, I still sang and danced my head off, I had so much fun.

So, the Souls. I don't think I'll ever be able to put it into words, really. I'm sure other people more eloquent than myself have already done so, but I can't say what it means to me. I just know that their music has an ingredient in it that dissolves problems and worries. It REALLY does. They have the ability to take well-used chord progressions, relatively simple melodies, and lyrics that a young kid could understand on some level (in a good way), and turn it into fucking magic. I don't know or care where it comes from, but it works and it's absolutely as beautiful as the guys themselves. Their live shows, then, are the culmination of this ingredient, the full effect of it. I knew this and expected this on Friday night, but it still seems like I was blown away. There was actually a girl in a Leathermouth t-shirt there who didn't know the words to one song and looked bored as fuck. Was she looking for Frank or something? What an ass. But did I care? Obviously not. I didn't even feel inclined to give her a nasty look or anything!

The last time I saw the Bouncing Souls was at Bamboozle, where I literally watched the sun come out from behind a cloud during the song "Gone." This time, it was all metaphorical, but I felt the fucking sun come out of a cloud. I'll always feel it. (I have the words "my heart is real" tattooed over my heart, and I literally don't want anymore tattoos because I feel like it would be inappropriate for those words to have to share my skin with anything else. It's like besides that sentence, nothing else matters, like that's my mantra.) I screamed along well after I lost my voice, and I danced like there was a Nazi's face under my feet (hah, that's not mine, the guy in some band said that at Bamboozle and I loved it). I knew every song, of course, and I don't know, it's like every time I heard the beginning of a song, I got more excited than the last. By the encore, I was practically in a cloud myself. It didn't matter that I wasn't around my friends. It's really like they say: we're all one family. So many bands are quick to boast about their fans being a tight-knit community, but I feel like this is the only one that really seemed to ring true. Once their set began, everyone felt all right to me. Like I said, it's magic.

Afterwards, I tagged along with some new friends who went to the back exit of the venue to wait to meet the guys. First Mike came out. He is amazing. I asked him, "Can I have a hug?" and his reply was "Can I have a hug?" Then he spent a few minutes rambling to us about their ukulele cover and how he really wanted Sick of It All to join in it. He said, "Please, when you see the other guys, tell them 'Oh I really loved that ukulele cover, but you know what would be even cooler?! If Sick of It All came on and started playing with you!!!'" It was so amusing seeing him get all excited over it, almost as excited as I was to be standing in front of him. None of the others were quite as interesting. Greg seemed kind of distracted actually. Anyway, I collected all four hugs, and I felt very accomplished afterwards. I hope I don't hug too tightly. I have this weird thing where, when I feel an emotional connection with someone through their art, I just want to hug them so tightly and never let go. So, I compromise by hugging really tightly for a brief moment, and then letting go. hah. But that was amazing.

Leah, Sam, Deb (my unofficial show buddy I see everywhere), Kristen (Leah's friend I just met that night), and I went to Wendy's after that. Or maybe it was McDonald's, who cares? I didn't eat anything. I really wanted green tea from Starbucks, and I probably said it 600 times. Even I wanted to slap myself, but I just couldn't stop! I really wanted it. Finally we got my green tea, and then Kristen left and the rest of us took the subway all the way to Washington Heights to crash at Leah's apartment. I am really starting to get a feel for the city, and I love it. It truly is an amazing place, and living there briefly sometime in my life is definitely a good possibility. Anyway, we stayed up all night talking, hahaha, it was like a slumber party, only for adults and full of philosophical conversation. I found out that they all share my belief that there is a connecting force (not a God), that is in everything in the world and protects us all and leads us, without our knowledge. I love having intelligent conversations. I feel like people treat me like an adult now that I'm 18 and make these things possible. It's weird. Sam fell asleep halfway through our philosophizing, and the rest of us went to sleep around 5:30. We woke up around 8, so I was in a pretty loopy mood Saturday morning. We had more deep conversations, Leah picked up a beautiful fairy dress from the post office, we took the subway to Penn Station, and took the train to Newark. My dad picked Sam and me up from there, and Leah and Deb continued on the train down to Asbury Park, for Round Two of the Bouncing Souls. I was slightly bummed I wasn't going. It was actually a roller derby. But Sam and I really wanted to go to the Brine and Bastards show last night.

Oh, it was insane. We left around 7 pm for this Brine and Bastards show, which was at the Junkyard in Rochelle Park. George had told us that it was 21+ so we were feeling really apprehensive about not getting in. We found out that we were down the street from the Garden State Mall, so we walked around aimlessly in there for awhile, then paced around the parking lot. This literally went on for hours. Suddenly Sam had the idea to call the venue. The voice on the phone informed us that the show was eighteen and over. Needless to say, we felt like dumbasses. Anyway, we went inside, and I see sitting at the bar with some friends none other than Ray Toro. Now I am not a fan girl and I don't have the slightest crush on the guy; I am, however, susceptible to his powers as a guitarist and actually felt a bit starstruck. Of course, I tried to look cool and subtle while stealing sideways glances without staring. What else could I do? I had to make sure it was real. And it was. Hambone came up to us at one point and told us they were setting up, so we went upstairs to where the music plays. It was really cool, kind of like walking into a bar and then going up into an attic to see a show. Sam and I went and stood waaay far in the back, against the wall to be specific. Five minutes later, Toro just came waltzing in (or, you know, just walking like a normal person) and decided to stand directly in front of me. Kind of inconsiderate if you think about it, as I am pretty short and he is pretty tall, especially figuring in his hair, but of course I wasn't complaining. Losing control of my limbs a little, but not complaining. When the show started there was a huge gap between the stage and the crowd. Ray and his friends closed it and stood in front of the stage. (It's not like they have to worry about looking uncool anymore.) I walked up and stood a few feet to the left of Ray, all by myself. I had to, I just had to. At one point, for some reason he walked to my left, by himself, watched the show from there for about half a song, and then walked back to his old spot. I'm pretty sure the whole left side of my body was on fire for that minute and a half. I bopped my head and tried to become hypnotized by the music as I often do at shows, but of course I had to keep stealing glances. He totally seemed like a normal dorky 30-year-old guy. What the fuck? Here I was half expecting that he always had a guitar glued to his body! I didn't talk to him. I couldn't, it would have been inappropriate. It's sad that I just wanted to tell the guy he's such an amazing guitarist that it makes me physically uncomfortable to be near him, but just because I am a young girl, it would have been taken the wrong way. I can't help but think it would be totally fine if I were male. That's one thing that really pisses me off, but I'm over it. I'm still in awe that I stood next to Ray Toro at a show, and it was completely unexpected. I didn't even have to enter a sweepstakes or anything. We were just two people enjoying a pirate show. And did I mention the show was really good? Well I've probably succeeded in making myself seem like a total spaz, but that's okay! I needed to let it all out. Hambone said that the next time we're coming to a show, we can tell him on myspace and he'll put us on the guest list. I'm a n00b and have no idea what that means, but I'm thinking it means, free show? That would pwn, seriously.

I just want to take a moment to point out that not one of these things could ever happen if I didn't live in New Jersey. All the shit people say about us on the media, all the dumbass MCR fans that want to move here because of them, none of it means anything, because this is the place I belong. I love that there is a highway for everything. I love that we know our place from being put down so much but still, all of the most amazing people I can think of hail from this state, and they don't leave either. (Ever seen some amazing person grow up in Kansas and stay there? I haven't. Sorry, Kansas! I'd love it if you proved me wrong, but I'm going on observation here.) I love eating really fucking good Italian food. I love hanging out in New York City all the time without having to live there. And thinking about this makes me love everything. Yeah, I said everything. Now I just thought I'd write out that little homage to my home, if only for myself. I know that if you didn't get it before, you never will, but that's okay. I don't need to explain myself. Everything just feels so right, and I'm not even worried that it's gonna turn around anytime soon. I think this is it. This is my life, where it's going. I am exhilarated.

I actually can't wait to go back into Newark tonight, even though it'll feel kind of weird after such a great weekend. (The other weekends I saw Leathermouth, so they were pretty good too, only not this good.) I love school about 25% as much as I love music, which, if I'm not mistaken, is about all the love most people have in their whole heart. haaaah. Nah, well, that accurately describes how much I love music (4 times as much as a normal person's capacity to love, haha), but not really how much I love school. But I still like it. The end. I've gotta learn not to ramble about stupid shit. That's probably why no one reads my blogs. It's okay, though.
  • Current Music
    Liz Phair - Why Can't I?

oh, and for your amusement....

I present to you fifty, what I think are pretty interesting, facts about me.

1) Music. If I tried to explain it, I would ramble on for hours and only succeed in confusing you, so it’s better to leave it at the one word. Number one. Music. This is my life.
2) I listen to all music, without discrimination. Yes, this includes hip hop, classical, and country music. My all-time favorite types of music would have to be punk rock and jazz.
3) I play the guitar, and I can get around a keyboard all right. I intend to master about twenty more instruments in my time.
4) I love talking about myself, and I spend a lot of time alone, thinking about who I am and how I can improve myself. Sometimes it makes me seem really self-absorbed.
5) But I’m probably the most compassionate person I know. I always try to be objectively aware of other people’s feelings. I don’t mind putting myself through uncomfortable situations to make other people happy.
6) I’m vegan. It’s not open to question and it will never change. I know too much. You know too little. I don’t believe it’s an issue of caring, although I’m often tempted to see it that way.
7) I believe. Not in God, but in a force that connects, protects everything in this world. I can’t see it, but I can feel it. I guess you could call it faith, but for me it’s a certainty.
8) I’m afraid of heights. Tall buildings and ferris wheels make me anxious, and I am absolutely terrified of flying. I have never been on a plane, and I will never go on one unless someone drugged and forced me.
9) If it weren’t for that, I would love to travel. I love having new experiences, learning new cultures and meeting new people.
10) However, I’m also a homebody and I am both terrified and amused by the idea of me ever living somewhere away from northern New Jersey.
11) I am half Italian and half Irish.
12) My parents got divorced when I was 3 1/2. I rarely think about it. Sure, my mom raised me, but my dad had a large part in it too, and I don’t think it’s that weird, as I’ve never really known anything else.
13) I wish I could get married and raise a family, but I’m afraid I will never find love.
14) I don’t believe in having sex if you don’t intend on having a baby. In fact, I don’t actually believe in anything that’s totally at odds with nature. I love nature.
15) I’m not against homosexuality because if you think about it, even if it’s unnatural it doesn’t have dire consequences. Also, other animals engage in homosexual behavior. However, I’ve never seen any animal other than a human use birth control.
16) I have never been in a relationship. I have never been on a date, and I have never been kissed. (I’m eighteen.)
17) I go to the Rutgers University Newark Campus. I live, eat, and get educated for free, thanks mainly to working my ass off in high school and partly to being pretty poor.
18) I absolutely adore the Newark area. I love all the diversity and action of urban areas, and this place has a lot of heart. It’s no Snobsville.
19) I actually come from Morris County, about 20 miles from Newark, and one of the richest counties in the country. (I’m not rich, though.) I recently found out that someone very special lives really close to my town now. It’s actually kind of ironic and I don’t know how I feel about it. At any rate, I like to go home on the weekends to sleep in my own bed and see my family.
20) I hate to work. I only had one job, in a grocery store, and I quit after one month. I’m not cut out to do slave labor. I’m meant for bigger things.
21) I hate money. I hate capitalism. Politically, I’m more of a socialist or anarchist. I would give anything to make all monetary and bartering systems just disappear.
22) I would be pretty liberal, but there are some things I hate about it, such as abortion and modern feminism. Yes, I’m a girl, and I would love to argue against those things. Anyway, I suppose I’m more of an independent thinker and voter, although in all honesty I have no hope for American politics.
23) I love to volunteer. Someday I hope to start my own nonprofit organization to help children realize their potential to change the world. I’m already in the process of planning it and starting it.
24) I intend to be a starving artist as a profession, likely a street musician.
25) When I say art, I am not speaking of the graphic arts. I am speaking of all creative outlets, particularly music, writing, and almost anything else that exists. I am a creative, expressive person, and these are my passions. They always have been since before I could read, and they always will be, far beyond the grave.
26) I make friends really easily once I begin talking to someone. However, people never approach me and I am way too afraid to approach others, so rarely do I actually meet new people.
27) I have mad social anxiety issues, I really do. I am sometimes so socially awkward that I am pretty much nonfunctional. I deal. I think I’m getting slightly better all the time.
28) I usually can’t pee if someone is in the next room, I can never go in public bathrooms, and in general I can only go in my own house, or if I can listen to running water.
29) I have an endless supply of weird psychological problems like that.
30) I have never been to a therapist, although almost everyone close to me tells me I should.
31) I try to do self-therapy, and as logical as my exercises are, they rarely work for some reason.
32) I used to become obsessed with things very easily, but now that I kind of have a life, I’m reasonable in my likes and dislikes.
33) I have one younger sister who is 14. Sometimes, we are best friends. Other times, we butt heads because she is a moody teenager. Hopefully this will get better.
34) I hate it when someone gives me something I can’t return. This mostly applies to abstract concepts such as love, inspiration, and happiness. These things kill me.
35) I may or may not believe in reincarnation. I can never decide.
36) I am obsessed with Ruckus and the fact that college students can download music for free there, even if it’s only for their player.
37) I definitely believe in soulmates. I also believe that soulmates are not meant to be together. They are meant to help each other and feed off each other, but if they were together, they might feel complete and stop fulfilling their purposes and trying to make things better for everyone else. I arrived at this conclusion partly from watching the movie Hancock and partly from personal observation and experience. It’s pretty weird.
38) I absolutely love to read. I love bookstores and libraries, and I love book discussions. It all fuels me.
39) I love learning in general, actually. I have always loved school, despite the fact that it’s pointless for most of my life goals. I figure if the government is paying for it and I enjoy it, why the hell not? I also love teaching myself new things.
40) A few months ago, I could not even make a sound if I tried to whistle. Now I can actually whistle melodies.
41) I believe that human beings have no limitations, that machines are kind of extensions of ourselves because our bodies evolved imperfectly, and that you can do absolutely anything you set your mind to.
42) Violence makes me so depressed.
43) I don’t believe in material possessions. Aside from water, food, and oxygen, the only things I could not live without are music and love, which are both abstract concepts. Interesting.
44) I love making lists. I am actually very organized like that, but when it comes to doing things, I hate routine and I’m all for spontaneity.
45) I only like men I really shouldn’t like, but I like them a lot. I’m only just getting over a very bad monster crush of about three years, and already developed a new one.
46) So I never know if the reason I’ve never been in a relationship is that I’m very undesirable, or just that I’m sabotaging my own capacity to be loved.
47) I absolutely adore graffiti. I just find something so indescribably beautiful about it.
48) I can’t stand it when I’m busy doing something, and someone just keeps talking and talking to me about absolutely nothing.
49) I almost always remember my dreams, and they are almost always ridiculously strange. The only thing that’s predictable is the people involved.
50) This number did not come too soon as I cannot think of a single other thing to say about myself.

the beginning of the end.

You know, now that I'm a college student, this is the end of my childhood. After this, whenever I act immature, it will be weird. Not that I'll stop; it's just the point.

Just as I suspected, school starting up has made me forget about those silly little problems of loneliness and not being understood. I actually feel a bit understood here, almost as if being a student is my calling, almost as if I will be a student for my entire life. I suppose I will be, in a way. Kinda like Socrates, you know?

This is a great place. Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, Newark campus. The kids are not perfect, but where will you find a community of perfect teenagers and young adults? Right, nowhere. Nearly no one is a snot here, and a lot of people smile at you in passing. I'm not used to it. I haven't made any close friends, but I'm on acquaintance-like terms with a good amount of people, at least for someone who's as socially awkward as myself. The food is very good for cafeteria food. There is generally always something for me to eat, which is hard to come upon being a vegan. While I do miss my local health food store and the slightly larger variety of nourishment available to me there, this is sufficing very sufficiently. =] I love the city. I've only had a few brief chances to explore, but I just can't get enough of it. The people, the places. I found the public library and it is four or five floors of literary goodness! It is very, very exciting. It's so easy and cheap to get into New York City, which is also pretty exhilarating to me. I am loving this life.

As a good, if unorthodox, college student, classes are the best part. Music theory is probably my favorite class. I don't know why, but I've always been intrigued by it, and oddly enough, knowing the rules does wonders for creative inspiration. I also joined the chorus. I wanted to join the jazz ensemble, but I could not find the place to save my life. Maybe next semester. Anyway, the chorus is so much better than in high school because everyone there totally loves singing and is totally engaged in it. For some reason, the predictability of classical music and the fact that it's so simple and easy to read makes me really happy. They are touring to Italy in the spring. How I wish I could go, but it's unrealistic as the thought of being in the sky makes me tense and literally nauseous.

I am not crazy about Calculus because I've never been crazy about math, but whenever I get into it, doing math problems is very satisfying in some odd way. I like to sit in front of the lecture hall. Not many people pay attention, but the ones who do are totally engaged. Every Friday morning, we have a test, and it's always really easy, which makes me happy.

My plant science lecture class is okay because the professor spends most of the time on amusing anecdotes, but apparently, I am very interested in plants! Well, who am I kidding, I'm interested in absolutely everything. But, originally, I only took this class so as not to learn repetitive biology and chemistry, especially since in bio I would have to dissect, which I am very against. As it turns out, though, plant science is a very rewarding subject. Already, I am starting to appreciate and notice things in nature that I hadn't before. It's nice. The lab aspect of the class, which is taught by a different professor, is harder to stay awake for, as the teacher does not sidetrack as much and the once-a-week class lasts for three hours. I'm still interested, so if I try very hard, I can focus. I rather like the professor, and it sort of upsets me when the other students talk smack about him because they can't get interested. It's really not his problem. I guess that's the fundamental problem with education, though, that I've seen since I was very young, and the teachers almost aways get blamed although it's almost always a matter of the student not engaging him/herself. I feel like I'm the only one who cares about this stuff, but I don't mind just knowing that at least someone cares.

I'm taking Principles of Psychology as a night class. It is probably my favorite class because it is such an engaging class and topic. I think the reason the discussions feel so lively is that since it is a night course, the class is very diverse and large, and a bunch of the students are on the older side. That always means more interest and more participation. I haven't participated much as I have been pretty lost, but I'm buying the textbook soon, so next week I should be set. I'm so fascinated by the whole subject. I'm actually considering it as a major, but I'm already anticipating two majors, so what the hell, I can't have three! Ugh, decisions, decisions... I may change music to this. As disheartening as it would be, music is a very impractical major that I know I will never use, except for personal pleasure. Do I want to be a music teacher? No. End of story.

Anywayyy, as you can see, I really do kind of belong here. I just still feel really uncomfortable in this dorm and really comfortable at home, in Lincoln Park. I love Newark. I don't know. It's very confusing. Ideally, I would love to live in an apartment or cheap shack or something in the area, and commute, but that is just physically impossible. Also, I cannot commute all the way from Lincoln Park. I don't have a reliable car, and when I checked the mass transit schedules, it would just be an absurd thing to do. Living here, being free, is much, much cheaper and more practical. I don't know what else I want to talk about. I'm gonna go eat lunch.

OH! Yeah. Tonight I'm going to see the Bouncing Souls. Like, fuck yeah?! I am so fucking excited. This kind of thing (or, rather, this exact thing, seeing the Bouncing Souls live or just listening to their music) is what makes my problems seem like little tiny specks and make me see how amazing everything is. It's almost like a drug, but one that doesn't kill brain cells or really have any side effects. I mean, yeah, it's addictive, but what isn't?

So seriously, NOW, I'm gonna go eat lunch. I hope my dad can pick me up soon, I reallyyy wanna go home. =/

suicide is not a joke!

 haha, okay, I'm sorry, but I just have to do one more overdramatic post from my journal/diary thing. I just think it's funny that I said, "hm...so if I were gonna kill myself...what would I say?" and I actually have legitimate material for a suicide note. Not that there is ever a good excuse to kill oneself, but compared to most of the people who do it, I think my reasons are pretty good. (So yeah it's like basically a letter to no one, because no one cares, saying that I'm not gonna commit suicide, but if I WERE...then this is why.)

To whom it may concern:
I've always put others before myself, and that's why I'm not going to kill myself. Maybe I'm better off dead, but the world is not better off without me. No, I was born into this hell for a reason, maybe to stop for one second the eternal burning. Maybe. If I were suicidal, though, this would be why...

I, like all the like-minded ones before me, am disillusioned with humanity. I'd give up everything I have to make it better, but 75% of the people on this planet would give anything to keep the hell burning, and the other 25% don't care either way. This world isn't one I would have chosen, and not one I particularly enjoy inhabiting. But I'm one of those silly people who seeks beauty, and I find it. Everywhere. I need to preserve that, and I will. I promise.

Bone that I gotta pick...Why is everyone too busy building some selfish life for themselves (and/or their families-when are you gonna realize that's just as selfish?), to care about anyone else? Here I am, holding out my hand as I've been for so long, reaching out to ANYONE, wanting to connect and offering anything in return, but no one reaches for my hand. No one wants to connect with me. Sometimes they come close, sometimes I think we will hold hands, but they always fall away in due time. But I can see the selfishness in their eyes when they reach for some other person's hand. Is that why? Does everyone just want to match up their selfish motives with someone else's? One person is all I wanted. One out of seven billion. Why not?

Then, if that weren't enough to make me feel lonely, Cupid decided to strike me with one of his most lethal arrows; unfortunately, the object of my affection had already been struck a long time ago and is now happily married. What I wouldn't give just for the "happily." I don't know him, I only think I do. Sure, he is beautiful as deep as I know, but there's an ocean beneath the waves I've seen. I'll never, ever know what it looks like. That should make me move on, but instead it just penetrates my heart and creates a huge, painful void. Yeah - OUCH. I've put everything into that void; nothing could ever satisfy it like he could. But reality is in the way of my being with him. My heart is in the way of my being with anyone else, or being alone, and if there's anything I know, it's that my heart is more real to me than reality will ever be. What am I to do?

And that isn't even the half of it. I'm broken all over, and every second of my life is a constant struggle to fix myself. Every time I think it's working, I realize that I feel even more irreparable than before. It's going to take another pair of hands to fix me...but whose? I've got no close friends, my own family only makes small talk with me, and the only person I have ever loved doesn't even care that I exist. I just walk around with all these scars under my skin, and no heart because I lost it to that man. Like, really, it's like practically sitting on his doorstep and he doesn't even notice - am I ever gonna get that back? I feel like everyone can see this, that that's why no one wants to take their chances getting close to me. I almost wish it, because if not, what is the problem? But anyway, I'm always ready with hopeful thoughts, I've got an invincible faith. I'm ready. How much longer am I gonna have to wait?

So, what if I didn't believe I'm meant to make a difference? What if I wasn't afraid to erase myself from this ugly place? What would you think? How would you feel? Would you even blink?


Why do I post this here? I don't really know, no one's even reading it. I guess I feel like maybe someone will stumble upon it and end up telling me what I need to hear. It almost never works out that way, but there's always that chance.
  • Current Mood
    rejected broken

typical summer day...

So it's a typical summer day, it really is.

It's 2 pm, I woke up a couple of hours ago but I feel like I just woke up. I'm staring at the computer screen like a zombie trying to find something to do, knowing there are a million great things I could be doing, but too lazy to do them. =/ I can't live like this anymore now that I'm an adult. Kids are supposed to waste time. I don't want to do that anymore.

Anyway, now nighttime (around 1 am) is my self-therapy time. Every night, I write some kind of crazy feelings that are bothering me into this notebook, talk to Winnie the Pooh (if necessary), listen to the right music, and then watch Fresh Prince and fall asleep. Wanna know what's in this notebook? First, a disclaimer in case anyone happens to pick it up and read it. Bad idea on their part. I tell said person to read at their own risk, and know that I cry when bugs die and would never hurt any animal (humans included) in my life. Then, two unsent letters. One to the person I love, and one to the person he loves. Those are pretty intense letters. Then one about my values and dreams and stuff. Then, an analysis on why I love him. I actually took the time to write out my fantasy idea of being with him, seven parts! Then, I analyzed each part as to what I actually want out of that, emotionally, and figured out a new way I could get those things. I turned that into a paragraph of affirmations that I now read and trace over each morning when I wake up, and each night when I go to sleep. It goes like this:

"I can be understood, if I express myself. I am never alone. I am needed. I deserve to be loved. I am powerful. I am fearless. I am beautiful. We're all one family. I am immortal; so is he. She is a nice person. She makes him happy. He is happy. I am happy."

For the record, I think everyone should learn what is really bugging them, and make a list of affirmations like that. Anyway, then there are a few pages of just pure feelings. Then there's a letter to Jesus asking for guidance, if he is who they say he is. Then there is a full page of questions asking why...

Why do people suffer? Why do animals suffer? Why is there disease? Why do some people have trouble getting simple water and food? Why are people greedy? Why don't people feel compassion or empathy? Why did we ever even need a barter/monetary system in the first place? Why did someone invent weapons? Why does everything need an explanation? Why am I not allowed to live a natural life? Why do I have to pay just to survive? Why is there government? Why are people always afraid? Why do people settle for ignorance? Why can't we live in harmony? Why are people violent for no good reason? Why do people feel like having sex but don't feel like having babies? Why does the color of my skin matter? Why do people judge each other? Why do we create borders? Why do we create families? Why aren't we allowed to hug? Why do they call some people ugly?

Why am I the only one...?

Then there is a page that simply says "I need to destroy something," which I proceeded to destroy by crumpling it up as hard as I can, stabbing it and scribbling all over it with my pen, etc. It's still in the notebook though. It feels good just to look at.

So there you have it, my soul in a nutshell. If anyone's reading this, I hope you learned something, that's all.

Anyway, last night, I had a bit of an anger attack, so I listened to some screamo music, squeezed a stress ball, squeezed a stuffed animal. I also bit the stress ball. Then, I listened to one mellow song that is like, my savior song, and it was all gone. Looking back, I think the 50 screamo songs were actually counterproductive and unnecessary! hah. But anyway, that was cool. My affirmations helped.

By the way, I'm not a negative person. This is my negative side. I hate showing it to people, but I guess keeping it inside is why I sometimes forget to breathe. My doctor told me I have to stop. For some reason, I don't want people to see it. But I don't know why. It's normal. It's natural. How am I supposed to live in this world without breaking down every once in awhile? That's what I want to know. They call me crazy, but am I? Because sometimes I don't think so. But either way, I won't hide it anymore. This is here for anyone to see, now only a few people ever will, but it's here and that's what's important.

Anyway, I'm going to a show tonight, with my friend Sam. I'm excited. I gotta get out more. Hopefully, my next entry can be less intense...bye?
  • Current Music
    Spice Girls - If U Can't Dance