Man, some things are clearly improving but some things I have to wait to improve and in the meantime I feel like I’m gonna explode.
I want so much to see the world, to see EVERYTHING. I want to be totally happy and healthy, and just create for people and confidently speak my mind, and give and receive love, and have my senses explode with new and unusual beauty I haven’t even imagined yet. I don’t want to be here in New Jersey, all by myself in my bedroom hiding from everyone and everything I’ve known since birth and now can’t stand. But are these things I hate specific to where I’m at, or are they HUMAN struggles I’ll never escape?
No. I think, I can escape them but they are a state of mind. You don’t take a bus and run from it… you transcend it. If you can only be at peace in utopia, then you aren’t really at peace, are you?
I’m struggling with so much. At the heart of it all is a strong dissatisfaction with and uncertainty about who I am. Some of it is feeling ugly all the time and wanting to hide myself away. School really sucks too. Actually I’m lying. It’s really not that bad at all, especially when the light at the end of the tunnel is just ahead.
GAH! I’m just so sick of having any responsibilities at all: school, internship, being pressured into financial independence by my family. I just want for like one second the freedom to declutter my life and just explore who I am. But then, I have that now, do I not?