||[Apr. 9th, 2012|11:30 pm]
Oh man it is CRUNCH TIME! I’ve felt so inspired and content lately at the same time as I’m feeling wholly dissatisfied, regretful to an extent of this path I’ve been on, and just utterly bored out of my mind.|
I guess they go together and lead to similar conclusions. I’ve been deliberately spending time with deliberate people—people who know who they are and express it with every part of their being—whenever I can, and learning about them when I can’t. It gives me some vicarious pleasure I think, but mostly I feel an intense yearning to be like them and be in their league. Part of me feels like I totally, inevitably belong there but another part of me feels like a weak spirit compared to them. I find mediocrity so disgusting, but it’s been all I’ve known for most of my life and it’s hard to think that’s not my destiny. But it’s important to remember I don’t know any failures at all, only losers who never did what they loved or even took the time to find out what that was. At least I have great skill and experience in the latter. But this "deliberateness" is not based on luck, it is a choice you actively make, and what possible reason do I have not to make it? Fear? That inspires hope because I have made great strides in that respect in the past few years.
I just really need to get through school and be a graduate, then I need to get healthy, then I need to figure out what my heart really wants and feed that. When I put it that way, it sounds conquerable. Why yes, it even sounds inevitable.