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I feel so weird and confused about everything lately! Like, I am very… - Amanda — LiveJournal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Mar. 14th, 2012|02:47 pm]
I feel so weird and confused about everything lately! Like, I am very satisfied right now with certain things. I LOVE nature, and there are very few pursuits that don’t make me happy, though I have to say that the same constantly recurring theme applies: the things that make me happiest are when I feel I am making a difference, or when I am being creative. Or maybe it is when I feel in touch with nature or the goodness of humanity, so a lot of times those things overlap. I LOVE humanity in general and I have such a positive view of people in general, but I feel like I rarely meet people who display this goodness. Most people have their goodness, as it were, “buried deep under a river of grief, where the muddy waters flow and the stones don’t roll.” That is no lie.

I am no prize myself, I must say, but I try. I try so hard. I am constantly checking myself. If I feel myself being negative or whiny or prejudiced or antagonistic, I think, wow, this is wrong, and I try to stop myself. It doesn’t always work, because that takes effort and some days I am just too tired to put forth that effort. But I feel like most of the people around me just hold me back. The vast majority of people allow themselves to be mediocre or even horrible. The sad thing is, we are all born amazing but life turns us mediocre as we move towards adulthood, and then in adolescence you reach this crossroads, where you are looking out from the top of a building and you can see all the different opportunities that lie before you, and there are easy paths and higher paths. Most people just honestly follow their peers or their parents or someone outside themselves. A lot of times, they don’t even notice that other paths were available to them. But the crazy thing is, you can do whatever you want, move between these paths as much as you want.

Where was I going with this? Right, the people around me are mediocre. Most people have so many disgusting flaws. Well, at least I find them disgusting. I am not nitpicking, these are major flaws, but our society does not condemn them, and in some ways encourages them: shallowness, materialism, bigotry, selfishness, apathy. I just find it abhorrent! See, I have flaws like, not being friendly or polite enough, and it’s only because I find social interaction to be a draining chore, and I don’t always have the energy for it so I come off as curt. But like, I really do my best not to be shallow, materialistic, bigoted, selfish, apathetic, etc. And I think I do a better job of it than most people, if they even try at all.

However, I LOVE people who see true beauty in everyone, people who are happy with the simple things and don’t need all the latest gadgets, people who are always learning about what’s going on in the world and taking action when they can, people who don’t freak out when you show them a photo of a factory farm and say, “I don’t want to know because then I would have to become a vegetarian!”… the people who look at a person and they see a soul, they don’t see the outside. I am writing one giant cliché or string of clichés, but this is anything but. I’m not explaining it properly. Anyway, I look for these people so I can have a role model, but there is no one. They all are imperfect. And like I said, I know I’m imperfect, but I guess I just wish there was some perfection out there somewhere to inspire me to keep trudging along, to give me hope that I could be perfect someday. I know that's a ridiculous thing to want, but I do want it.

And like, I have been going to a lot of events, and getting involved in conversations when I can, concerning things that are really in line with my values. I have actually met plenty of pretty cool people, like happy people who ARE happy with the simple things, DO care about the world at large and try to fix it. They just see a need, whether inside or outside of themselves, and they just do what they can to meet it and they do, and that’s why they are happy. So I try to look at people in a big picture way like that, so I have people to admire and feed off of.

But sometimes I think I could be a leader. I know I’m supposed to fall in line and find my niche and just join it, assimilate myself into that crowd, put on the uniform, take on the dialect, but why? I don’t want to at all! I have joined so many different niches and I hated every one of them in the end! Everyone always ends up acting the same. They gossip and they talk about stupid things that don’t really matter.

I need to start something huge. I also need to express myself. Like, I need to just think, what do I want to send out to the world? And send it. But not like, specific messages and worrying about how they will be received and whether they will be misconstrued. But just like, if my whole life is a platform and the whole world is my audience, what do I want them to see me doing or hear me say?

A therapist would label this as a symptom: delusions of grandeur.