Amanda (_thoughtless_me) wrote,

So I don’t know, I guess my pendulum is swinging back in the negative direction. I feel happy and faced with many opportunities, but I feel that my true desires will always be just out of my reach. Is that what growing up is? I don’t know. Blah.

I met a guitarist from Craigslist, by the way. Total stoner! When people smoke pot in front of me, I always feel kinda anxious that a) that horrible smell will rub off on me, and b) they will do something wrong and it will be on me. But, I liked him. Very nice and laid back, not a great singer, but pretty good at guitar. I sucked and was too scared to sing.

Um, went to a record swap with two of my friends, kinda disappointing. First, the records were more expensive than I thought and they didn’t have awesome ones. Then, they had no vegan breakfast burritos like they were supposed to, but they did have an awesome BBQ tofu wrap. Then, even though I was in a sociable mood with people I like, I STILL got odd-girl-outed! Boo. They called me spacey, which is true, but still.

None of the other Craigslist people are panning out. I’ve been pretty much accepted into that other band, but I don’t love their music and they aren’t much like me, so I don’t know. But they might help me. They keep pushing me to learn songs quickly and telling me to put in feeling. I really do need to work on that if I want people to actually like my singing.

But yeah I’m back in school. I don’t hate it, but it does feel so very mediocre like just “going through the motions.” Sometimes we read literature that inspires me, and I do get a temporary thrill hearing new facts or skills (i.e. programming), but that’s all easily accomplished in real life too.

Already got interviews for Temple and UIC. My dad is making them into vacations. Part of me thinks I would probably love grad school because I would be working directly to better communities. But the other part of me is like, “…What if it doesn’t?” Because once I commit to it I will be stuck. Or at least I will have ahead of me a long ride home, the promise of a shitty menial period in my life, and the disappointment of a whole bunch of people. It’s not a dream, I can say that much. It’s a path I chose logically based on the only thing I’ve ever proven I’m good at and can stick with.

Well, more on this later. I am TIRED!

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