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This was going to begin, “I am SO dissatisfied!” But… - Amanda — LiveJournal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Jan. 9th, 2012|01:00 am]

This was going to begin, “I am SO dissatisfied!” But then I went for a walk…

The stars were out, the moon was full… and between that and the street lights, the sky was lit up a brilliant, deep dark blue. I LOVED it.

I was thinking, “What am I afraid of, what am I afraid of…” but really, I’m not afraid of any of the stuff I thought I was. I’m not afraid of bad neighborhoods, I’m not afraid of leaving what I know (I truly know nothing and no one anyway), I’m certainly not afraid of financial insecurity—in fact, the very notion of financial security disgusts me to my core. I WANT noise, excitement, chaos. My ONLY fear is that I won’t fit in. It’s so sad really. In a way I’d fit in automatically with people who share my values and dreams. But will I ever fit in anywhere? I’m just so afraid of being close to people. I always thought I was brave, because I’ll share highly personal facts and my deepest philosophies with anyone who asks. But – I never tell ANYONE my deepest needs, desires, dreams, or anything I think I have to offer, because that alone makes me vulnerable. Something as simple as, What do I want to do with my life? Why do I give the easy answer, even to people who know me well? Well, I’m not sure I know anyone at the moment who won’t judge me. It should be okay—I can find people—but the problem could be me. Am I not trusting people to accept me simply because I don’t accept myself?

Not sure, but the bottom line is, I am not afraid if I can just start believing in my skills. But what is it that I want, beyond this hurdle of self-doubt? I know I like art, music, activism, and community, but that's about it.

I thought about my planning instinct. I want it to get lost, and for the most part my analytical nature too. I don’t want a life and work characterized by analysis, I want one characterized by VIVACITY. I really do. Planning should be about, do I have what I need for the first step, not, do I know the entire path from “You are here” to “You are there”? Who cares? It will NEVER work out that exact way anyway. Plus, I’m an explorer by nature! I LOVE getting lost. Why have I been so enmeshed in mapmaking?! Who knows? All I know is planning never got me anywhere. Even after I revised my planning methods, planned a new way to plan, and then planned some more. I am in the exact place I’d be if I planned nothing and walked in a straight line. Just think of everything I could have done in that time I spent planning. Horrible. But who cares? Done now, and I’m YOUNG. And my heroes 20 years my senior ain’t even old yet. YES.

When I turned around near the end of my walk, I turned around and saw a beautiful white streak disappearing into the sky. Maybe it was just a contrail but I had my creative cap on. And I said, “That’s my path, huh? Or I can stay on this one. [Talking out loud like a schizoid] Cold, rough, surrounded by judgmental people. But the other path is transcendent. [I could picture myself trekking across galaxies with shooting stars for company] The temperature may be low, but you don’t notice because of the beauty and the excitement of possibility."

I don't know what I was saying. But whatever the universe has to offer, you can find anywhere, if you’re looking, so I’m not worried.