Amanda (_thoughtless_me) wrote,

This was going to begin, “I am SO dissatisfied!” But then I went for a walk…

The stars were out, the moon was full… and between that and the street lights, the sky was lit up a brilliant, deep dark blue. I LOVED it.

I was thinking, “What am I afraid of, what am I afraid of…” but really, I’m not afraid of any of the stuff I thought I was. I’m not afraid of bad neighborhoods, I’m not afraid of leaving what I know (I truly know nothing and no one anyway), I’m certainly not afraid of financial insecurity—in fact, the very notion of financial security disgusts me to my core. I WANT noise, excitement, chaos. My ONLY fear is that I won’t fit in. It’s so sad really. In a way I’d fit in automatically with people who share my values and dreams. But will I ever fit in anywhere? I’m just so afraid of being close to people. I always thought I was brave, because I’ll share highly personal facts and my deepest philosophies with anyone who asks. But – I never tell ANYONE my deepest needs, desires, dreams, or anything I think I have to offer, because that alone makes me vulnerable. Something as simple as, What do I want to do with my life? Why do I give the easy answer, even to people who know me well? Well, I’m not sure I know anyone at the moment who won’t judge me. It should be okay—I can find people—but the problem could be me. Am I not trusting people to accept me simply because I don’t accept myself?

Not sure, but the bottom line is, I am not afraid if I can just start believing in my skills. But what is it that I want, beyond this hurdle of self-doubt? I know I like art, music, activism, and community, but that's about it.

I thought about my planning instinct. I want it to get lost, and for the most part my analytical nature too. I don’t want a life and work characterized by analysis, I want one characterized by VIVACITY. I really do. Planning should be about, do I have what I need for the first step, not, do I know the entire path from “You are here” to “You are there”? Who cares? It will NEVER work out that exact way anyway. Plus, I’m an explorer by nature! I LOVE getting lost. Why have I been so enmeshed in mapmaking?! Who knows? All I know is planning never got me anywhere. Even after I revised my planning methods, planned a new way to plan, and then planned some more. I am in the exact place I’d be if I planned nothing and walked in a straight line. Just think of everything I could have done in that time I spent planning. Horrible. But who cares? Done now, and I’m YOUNG. And my heroes 20 years my senior ain’t even old yet. YES.

When I turned around near the end of my walk, I turned around and saw a beautiful white streak disappearing into the sky. Maybe it was just a contrail but I had my creative cap on. And I said, “That’s my path, huh? Or I can stay on this one. [Talking out loud like a schizoid] Cold, rough, surrounded by judgmental people. But the other path is transcendent. [I could picture myself trekking across galaxies with shooting stars for company] The temperature may be low, but you don’t notice because of the beauty and the excitement of possibility."

I don't know what I was saying. But whatever the universe has to offer, you can find anywhere, if you’re looking, so I’m not worried.

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.