Anyway, beside it was this:
I've definitely seen this book many times before but for some reason it never occurred to me to flip through it and see what happened at the end. AND THIS WAS A GRAVE OVERSIGHT, BECAUSE IT WAS THE BEST. [I'm using one of the spoiler cut tags mostly because I think they're fun and less because I think anyone cares about being spoiled for this book.] The book is written in first person because first person is I guess the language of YA, from Ophelia's perspective obvs. So finally it occurred to me that they probably weren't going to have Ophelia drown herself.
SO I FLIPPED TO THE LAST PAGE and it was everything I could ever have wanted and more (and conveniently explained everything I had missed):
- Ophelia, as predicted, does not drown herself. Instead, she hatches some kind of plot with someone (IDK who but probably a priest lbr) to both a) fake her own death and then b) disguise herself as a man. VERY SHAKESPEAREAN OF YOU, OPHELIA.
- So she gets the hell out of Dodge while everything goes to shit in Elsinore. Four for you, Ophelia.
- Eventually she returns and finds Horatio, who is SHOCKED AND AMAZED at her reappearance from the dead. He is all "omg I thought you died just like everyone else!" and Ophelia's like "FOOLED U!" They make out, clearly about to embark on some kind of weird George/Angelina-esque relationship.
- And THEN Ophelia is like "actually, I have one last surprise!"...
- .. and out comes HAMLET JR, bastard son of the dead Prince of Denmark.
And that is how I knew this was the best book in the world.
It was also only $5, so I seriously considered buying it and doing a more in-depth review type thing because I'm sure it would be hilarious. But I felt pretty weird about the idea that the first book I buy as an English graduate would be bad Shakespeare fanfic, so I did not. Try not to all storm your local bookstores at once in search of this masterpiece.