Kali (_thirty2flavors) wrote,
Kali
_thirty2flavors

my friends went clubbing tonight instead. what is my life.

Yesterday firstofoct and I ended up watching Recovery, which was very good but not hilarious at all.

So I guess to compensate today shinyopals, spud14 and I watched SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON with John Barrowman. Yes, that's the movie responsible for this gif:



AMAZING.

We decided early on to imagine that filming this movie was something Jack Harkness did for some spare cash and out of boredom in 2002 and basically nothing contradicted this. If anything, it was supported by the fact that his character "Ben" survived despite all logic and reason.

Basically, Jack finds a shark tooth while ...fishing... for lobsters. He uses THE INTERNETS to try and find out what shark breed it is from, and can't. So he puts up a SRS WEB POSTING for this Mistery Shark.


The schools on Boeshane are not very good, okay?


A marine biologist museum archaeologist.... lady.... named Cat sees the MISTERY SHARK and recognizes it as TOOTH OF MEGALODON, SHARK OF MASS DESTRUCTION. Apparently Cat is from the first Shark Attack movie as well, so I weep for this poor woman's career. Not much though, because she was fucking terrible as an actress. She lies to Jack a bit and fails to tell him the tooth he found was from a shark capable of TERRIBLE THINGS, so as a result a couple having sex down a water slide falls into the ocean right into the shark's mouth! Om nom nom.

Later, when they go out to try and tag the shark or... something, it cleverly attacks a boat from which some girl is parasailing. The shark, being a genius, first knocks one guy out of the boat and eats him, then knocks the driver of the boat unconscious, then grabs the rope the parasailer is attached to, drags her further out to sea while Jack screams things like FULL THROTTLE and OH SHIIIET, and then dives deeper into the ocean with the rope, thereby pulling the girl into the ocean!!! She conveniently lands right by the end of Jack and Cat's boat, but because Cat is a moron, they fail to pull her out before she gets DEVOURED BY SHARK. OM NOM NOM.


I COULD HAVE SAVED HER! IF ONLY I WASN'T SUCH A TERRIBLE ACTRESS


So Jack and Cat decide THIS THING MUST BE STOPPED and they end up hooking up with this old ex-Navy guy who has pictures of Bush and Cheney on his wall. I'm not really sure how they know him or how they found him, but he wants to blow the shark the fuck up, too. Turns out the first shark-attack we witness in the movie was HIS OLD PAL, PORTER. He uses Science and finds out that the giant ancient megasharks are coming out of the rift deep underwater trenches because they're really attracted to one particular company's brand of fibreoptics buried out at sea. Um, oh. He also finds out using HACKING and THE INTERWEBS and WINDOWS 95 that the company has known about this all along and been burying that information to stay afloat!!! Gasp.


He's a bit of a patriot.


He confronts the company, who tell him to GTFO or they'll sue. Um, how? IDK. But it does have a great line where the CEO says "I'll get my lawyers -- they're the real sharks!"

Meanwhile, Cat and Jack go off to try and kill the shark on their own. They fail pretty hard, and everyone around them dies spectacularly. The shark punches through the boat, and nearly eats Cat, but Jack runs in to rescue her by beating the shark with a baseball bat and screaming "DIE, DIE, DIE".


It's German for 'the shark, the'!


The shark ends up eating his baseball bat and nearly eats Jack as well, but Cat shoots it in the face and the escape. Unfortunately, this is only the baby shark, and Mama Shark is super pissed that they killed her bb. So she fucks shit up, sinks their boat, eats their friends and the boat that comes to rescue them, and Cat and Jack only escape by helicopter.


Jack doesn't even let her on the ladder first. And then she falls and dangles from his arm.


They agree to find the patriotic Navy dude and come up with a plan to blow both the shark and the lines buried in the ocean all to hell. Navy Guy conveniently has a bigass torpedo they can use for this purpose. I guess it was a parting gift. After they make their plan, Jack uses the suavest pick-up line in the history of forever:



YES, REALLY.

He's a liar though.

So the same day Jack and Cat make their plan, the Rich Corporation Douchebag has a yacht full of Rich Douchebags he wants to wine and dine. Because of the shark attacks, boats are forbidden from leaving the dock, but Rich Douchebag is like FUCK, FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR FINE, WHO CARES, THIS IS IMPORTANT! Luckily, one of his cronies says they're prepared for the shark anyway: they brought a lot of grenades on board.


Rich people never travel without a few dozen grenades.


Predictably, the shark begins attacking the rich people. The following sequence is just UNREAL to try and describe, so I provide this youtube video instead:

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At one point the Rich Douche literally throws the whole bag of grenades into the water at once. Not sure that's how grenades work, dude.

Meanwhile, Jack and Old Navy Guy are trying to blow up the shark. I'm not really sure I remember what Cat's doing throughout all of this. Ultimately, Jack has to set the torpedo to fire at his ship, and then drive his ship into the mouth of the shark. And then he opens the door and swims away in the nick of time, which is how science works I'm pretty sure.


Torchwood planning at its finest.


The explosion is huge and Jack could not possibly have swam far enough away from it in the time given, but he's Jack Harkness, so naturally he's fine and dandy. Cat pulls him out of the water and into the raft, and they all have a good laugh.


"Megalowho?" laughs Jack, after a long day of blowing up sharks.
(I swear to god, I didn't even make that up. THAT HAPPENS.)


So everything ends merrily for our 3 main characters, except that as the camera pans away from them, it goes down into the water, where we see another shark waiting. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNN.

And Jack Harkness returns to Cardiff with an impressive filmography to use when he tries for the role of John Smith in the film adaptation of The Journal of Impossible Things.
Tags: do i need to make actor tags?, hannah leads a double life, opal sounds posh, project watch all the things, tay reads babyfic
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