In celebration I got Chinese food with goldy_dollar and we continued our "Crazy Ten is Crazy" marathon. So far we've conquered "The Christmas Invasion", "The Runaway Bride", "The Shakespeare Code", "The Lazarus Experiment", "Utopia" and "Fires of Pompeii". We wanted to proceed to "Journey's End", but when I went to get out the disc it... was not in my boxset. Because it was in my computer at home. Oops.
Improvising, we decided to watch "Dreamland".
I have done you all the great service of deciding to summarise it, for those who like their eyes and want to keep them.
So Ten swaggers into a diner where he meets American Jenny and Biker and babbles about pies or something. And then he notices a MYSTERIOUS ALIEN OBJECT on the diner counter and picks it up. Mr. Smith from The Matrix movies bursts in and is all, "omg, hdu handle that alien object!" and Ten distracts him by blowing up American Jenny's radio. American Jenny, Biker and Ten flee.
At this point Frances and I were like:
_thirty2flavors: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS, REBOOT HAD BETTER ANIMATION. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THEIR FACES. OH SWEET LORD, TEN'S HAIR. WHY IS EVERYONE DISPORPORTIONATE? THE DOCTOR IS LIKE SEVEN FEET TALL.
_thirty2flavors: ALSO, TEN'S ARMS ARE WEIRDLY BUFF. THEY ARE BUFFER THAN THE BIKER'S ARMS.
goldy_dollar: David Tennant probably requested that. ...Where is Jenny's accent supposed to be... from...?
_thirty2flavors: I dunno. I assume the only reason she is in this is because David Tennant was like "IF I HAVE TO DO THIS SO DO YOU. ....Georgiaaaaa. Pleaaase?"
That piece of hair hanging down in the front? Starts at the BACK OF HIS HEAD.
They wind up in Area 51 and the AMERICAN MILITARY!!! catches them and is all, YOU KNOW TOO MUCH! YOU MUST BE RETCONNED! Naturally this retconning takes place in a locked room with no surveillance, and Ten uses tricks he learned from Houdini to escape and free them all. No, really.
Also, there is a stereotyical Area 51 alien.
Okay, that's not a picture from Dreamland, but I am not downloading caps for that, I love my eyesight too much. Anyway, the alien literally looks exactly like that, except slightly grayish. I assume they stole the design from Google Images just like I did.
Ten doesn't really care about the alien, though. They run through ventilation shafts and eventually discover some big Bug Aliens which are called... something. Who cares. The Bug Things do not approve of being disturbed, so Ten, American Jenny and Biker escape in a mining cart. They're there for like two minutes before the Matrix Dudes show up again.
Once again: they actually look like this. I'm not even exaggerating. They even have the glasses.
Matrix Dudes, apparently, are the Something Something which is a set of robots that try to ... hide aliens from humans or something, for some reason. Ten says they are shit at their job. So they are like Torchwood, except they are robots produced by the Matrix.
They want the thing Ten stole from Jenny's diner, and naturally he refuses, so they each turn their hands into... plungers... and threaten to "incinerate" them. IDK.
Daleks have plungers, which is how you know they are apparently srs weapons.
And then the Matrix robots got shot.
By Native American Biker's grandfather.
In the desert.
With a bow and arrow.
And we were basically like:
Grandfather, whose name is like, Eagle's Nest or something, takes them to his... cave... where he keeps his pet alien. It's not a Bug Monster, it's an Area 51 alien. Turns out, it is the husband of the previous Area 51 alien. The Area 51 race is at WAAAAR with the Bug Monster race, and somehow his wife crash-landed on Earth. So he came to save her, but wound up crashing his ship as well. Nicely done there.
Throughout all this, the music from Bad Wolf Bay 2.0 is playing, because when asked to compose music for Dreamland, Murray Gold said, "LOL, FUCK NO".
Just then, THE AMERICAN MILITARY busts in and blabs on about how they are all under arrest. To the surprise of no one, the American Military is working hand-in-hand with the Bug Monsters for... some reason. The Bug Monsters want to kill Area 51 Alien and his wife, because they developed a super-impressive biological weapon to wipe out all Bug Monsters. The Americans want help to DEFEAT THE COMMIES!!!!
When Ten disagrees with this plan, American Military Officer accuses him of sounding “like a Red”.
Ten grabs the device from the diner, which is actually the biological weapon, and flees the room. Various American soldiers do not shoot at him despite threatening to, presumably because it is really hard to hit a guy who is two feet away from you.
Ten hides on the roof, and American Military Officer – whose name is Stark, presumably first name Tony – threatens him with a gun again. “WE HAVE TO TAKE DOWN THOSE DAMN COMMIES!” etc, etc.
Ten gets his chance to speechify, so he goes on about how the Bug Monsters will take over Earth and Stark is not DEFENDING EARTH, he is DESTROYING IT!!! I’m pretty sure this is also where he describes the Russians as “friendly”. Stark concedes the point, but the Bug Monsters hear this, flip their shit, and decide to wage war with ALL OF EAAARTH!!!
ALL OF EARTH IS IN DANGER SOMEHOW?!?!?! SHOCKING, I KNOW!
They decide they have to use the biological weapon, which they need Area 51 Alien for because it’s … bio-imprinted or somethingsomething. Unfortunately he’s dying, because that’s convenient for the plot, so Wife Alien has to go get some medicine from the crashed ship to heal him first. This involves a drawn-out chase scene wherein Jenny and Biker run off together to fetch the TARDIS in a pick-up truck, while Ten hangs around with Wife Alien. Wife Alien is a far more interesting companion than American Jenny or Biker, for all of two seconds. At one point, they hide and move around under a box, a la the Solid Snake videogames, and Ten goes, “some are born crates, SOME HAVE CRATES THRUST UPON THEM”
Shakespeare cs wut u did thar, Ten, and he regrets flirting with you.
Eventually they heal Husband Alien, and they go to use the biological warfare only for Ten to flip out because it will destroy not just the Bug Monsters wreaking havoc on Earth, but ALL Bug Monsters EVERYWHERE, and that is GENOCIDE and “no one has the right to kill an entire species”.
Just to recap, when we last saw Ten:
So instead Husband Alien changes it to… well, they don’t specify, only that he has changed it. Ten grabs the vial and dashes into the TARDIS, and then… hooks the vial up to the TARDIS soundsystem and blasts a really loud annoying noise. Because the biological warfare has somehow been changed into... a really annoying noise…
The Bug Monsters are like, “OH GOD IT HURTS, PUT PARTY IN THE USA BACK ON!” When Ten refuses, they agree to pack up their shit and GTFO.
”HOW DID HE KNOW OUR ONE WEAKNESS WAS LOUD NOISES?!?!
With some parting words, Ten gives Stark a stern talking-to, and then says he’s off to get some Chinese from the Ming dynasty because they have the best dim sum. Ever the matchmaker, he tells American Jenny and Biker to get it on in his absence, and since the episode ends with them holding hands, we can assume they agree with this plan.
All in all, needed moar TIME LORD VICTORIOUS. I never expected to see the day when The Infinite Quest looked well-plotted, well-animated and compelling, but clearly I was mistaken.
You win this round, Infinite Quest.