Riah (_tehriah) wrote,

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This has been a very bad week for me. Probably one of my absolute worst, because no matter how bad things have ever gotten in the past, it's never been someone else I was fretting over, and I just can't juxtapose every bad day in my life against the life of someone else. Not evenly.

Godiva's been getting progressively sicker for a few days now, and despite numerous attempts to do everything in my power to make her well again, she isn't responding. Not positively, anyway. I don't care that I've only had her for a couple weeks, and I don't care that she's just a cat. I can see the pain in her eyes and it's so hard. It's like watching a little baby slowly die and feeling absolutely helpless.

I don't know that she's dying, per se, but she's definitely not well. Though I think she might be. Dying, I mean. After I took her to the vet last Tuesday, she was lethargic for about a day, and she slept a lot. But that's normal for kittens after they receive their first shots. And she bounced right back to life.

But Thursday and Friday morning I found a little bit of dirty blood on the top of my bed when I woke up in the mornings. I figured it would go away, and it did. I couldn't tell if it was oral or anal. I'm pretty sure now that it was anal. But I don't know if that even has anything to do with anything.

Friday she started sneezing a lot, and it got worse over the weekend, even though it's tempered off a little now. The white membranes in the corners of her eyes started to creep in when she was sleepy. But she still had spurts of energy, so I figured it was an upper respiratory infection or something, which are actually common in cats and not life-threatening. It still might be. I don't know. But the vet is closed on the weekend, and I had to wait until Monday.

Except Monday the vet wasn't in, and I got her receptionist or assistant, I can't tell which. She told me to call back and make an appointment the next day if she didn't get better, and gave me instructions to mash and mix half a pill of L-Lysine with her wet food. Not half an hour after I did, she had bloody diarrhea all over the living room. Her stool had been loose all weekend, but never bloody, and never outside of her box. I was worried as hell, but I had to wait. So I did.

I made an appointment and I brought her in, and I didn't even care that I had to wait for an hour and a half there to see the vet, who was running behind, I just wanted her looked at. And the vet agreed that something was wrong and that she was incredibly dehydrated, so she gave her some meds (and sent me home with some to give her once a day for a few days) and an IV and mentioned hospitalizing her if it got worse.

I think I may have to, because it's gotten worse. Last night she had diarrhea out of her box again, and this morning I woke up randomly to find a very clear trail of it from my bed to the bathroom where she'd obviously tried to run, and a little more under my bed where I think she hid afterward, and even more on her perch in my closet. And it's really liquidy now, not just soft stool. And I don't know what to do.

I upgraded her food and mixed about half of it (Purina Pro Plan) with half of her old food (Purina Kitten Chow), and she has been eating a little. I also got some Bounce Back at the vet's recommendation and mixed that with her water. Last night she drank some, but this morning she refused. And she's just so. Listless. She obviously doesn't like to move much. Right now she's sleeping, but not well, I can tell.

I know I've probably seemed paranoid all week and annoyed quite a few people with it, but I don't know. Something about her is off. It's in her eyes, and it has been all week. She's not as alert as she should be. Her behavior has slowly been changing. I've spent every minute of every day outside of class with her since I got her, so it's not hard to notice the changes. She still plays, but much less. She gradually stopped curling up on me, even though it was the only way she would sleep when I first brought her home. Now she even hides under the bed or in my closet rather than sleep near me. She keeps sitting around looking ill, and kittens should never do that. Something's hurting her. All the time.

And it may just be the food change. She may get gradually better. I don't know. But kittens like her are only a couple pounds, and when she has diarrhea, she loses all the fluids in her body. I don't know if I can keep her around another couple days for her to recover. And I know I can't afford any expensive vet bills. Truth be told, I can't afford the ones I have now, but I'm scrimping.

I just don't know what to do, and I feel awful. I'm staying home from class again today. They're both lecture courses anyway. But Godiva is too listless for me to leave alone for even just a couple of hours. I'll call the vet again when they open at nine--even if I call now and speak to the vet about it, I won't be able to do anything until then anyway, without paying emergency medical charges. But I think I may need to take her in for another IV, if nothing else. And probably leave her there, depending on the cost. And I hate it. I just want her to get better. I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't.

And I feel awful for wondering what I'll do if she doesn't make it, but it seems like such a real possibility right now that I can't help it. I guess I'll test for feline leukemia first, and if she's negative, get another cat, one from a shelter. But it won't be the same. And I feel awful for doing it so soon, but I've spent close to $200 on her food and litter and toys and everything, and that was less than two weeks ago. I don't have any money. Not nearly enough to throw around that kind. I need to use it or lose it.

And so I dunno. I've been trying to keep my spirits up, but she got worse last night. It's gotten to the point where I frequently look up to find her, worried she's slunk off somewhere I can't see in order to die (cats do that). As soon as I find her, I check to make sure she's still breathing. I just don't know how much worse she can get. This is like the end of it. She's got to get better from here on. Otherwise she won't make it. And my greatest fear is of waking up to find her dead, or looking at her only to realize she really has stopped breathing.

It's all very hard to go through. This isn't my mom's responsibility, or my dad's, or my roommate's. Her life is mine. And I can't seem to help her no matter what I do. It's all very debilitating. Circle of life and all, I know, but I don't think there's any other way to feel as helpless as you do when you're forced to sit back and watch something die.

Yay melodrama. I'll survive, I know, I just really, really won't like it. I'm going to try my best to nap with her until the vet opens.
Tags: godiva
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