Riah (_tehriah) wrote,

A Small Statement

Dear Diary...

Apparently our Matt plot has been generating some CONTROVERSY, for lack of a better word. There have been tactless posts made about it, some tactless spreading-around of a secret that was not yours to be spread, and some tactless comments made. I'm not angry. I'm annoyed. There's a difference. Here's why.

1. Matt is my character. I have been playing him for exactly seventeen months now. Of the twenty-one character journals I've created in that time, Matt's is the only one who has never been purged, never been neglected, never lost his muse, never gone on hiatus when I wasn't, and never, ever lost my interest. He is a real person, in all of his insecure, cocky, geeky, lying, mischievous, unhealthy, intelligent, hypocritical autistic glory. He's made 101 journal entries, posted 21,869 comments, and participated in more logs than I can count. There are maybe a handful of characters who have survived at Brawl for longer than he has, and even less of them who are still active.

2. Matt is not your character. He has never been your character. In fact, he probably hates your character. If you think he likes your character, I have the perverse pleasure of telling you you're probably wrong. Unless I've spoken with you personally and told you Matt adores your character, you can safely assume you've just been PUNK'D. Matt does not like people. Matt has never liked people. Matt is an antisocial git who would rather spend the weekend playing Katamari Damacy with his giant cockroach than take your character to the movies. If Matt slept with your character, I can honestly tell you it was only because he was lonely and needed a warm body to help him sleep that night. This applies if your character is a) not Mello or b) not Hitsugaya. Sorry, folks. Matt's not that easy.

Since Matt is my character and not yours, what Matt does is none of your business. What I do with Matt is none of your business. In fact, I daresay it's none of your business if I want to kill Matt. Here's why.

1. Matt has been my character for very nearly two years. In those two years he has grown and matured normally. You know what I mean; like a normal person. He has never been granted special powers or anything of the like. Ever. Ever. And he's suffered for it. He's been one of the most normal characters at Brawl since Brawl's creation. He's watched friends fight and get hurt, he's watched them disappear to do things he'd only be a burden to if he tried to help, he's watched them walk away without coming back because you decided you were done playing them. Matt has not forgotten. He is not a crack character. He does not simply write off your character's absence like you might. He's been affected by them, and continues to be today.

2. Matt was supposed to die when he was 19. He is now 22, and in the midst a midlife crisis. Yes, a midlife crisis. At 22. No offense, but a lot of you don't seem to know what this means. A midlife crisis is when you look around yourself and realize that this is all you're going to get out of life. You're not going to write a world-famous novel. You're not going to go to outer space. You're not going to get a horse, or a mansion, or be a movie star, or write a gold album. You're going to be you, and you're going to be you until you die. Doesn't sound scary? Wait until it happens. We'll see if you fare as well as Matt has.

3. Matt has no job, no family, no identity. He knows without doubt that there is no God, and that when he dies he will simply cease to exist. His best friend and lover both left him because of a mistake he himself made. His new best friend is in love with someone else, and doesn't need him like he used to. In fact, everyone around him is pairing up with someone else, and he's left with the knowledge that his one happiness is gone, and he's not coming back. He's unhealthy. He's got dangerous people looking for him. He chainsmokes almost as badly as Badou. He's passive-aggressive suicidal because he simply has nothing left to live for. Even Light Yagami won't give him the time of day. He's sick of it. At 22. Imagine being so bored with life--at 22--that you can't find a reason to get out of bed anymore. Hell, you can't even find a reason to fall asleep. You just keep going until you crash, and hope that one day you won't wake up again. At 22.

Now that the above has been stated, some of you might have a better grasp on what I'm doing with Matt, and why. Some of you may not. I don't care. Here's why.

1. None of you have stuck around with a single character as long as I have. None of yours have the same depth to them. I admit there are a few exceptions. Most of the muns know I'm talking about them, I don't need to name names. Most of you others I've never even spoken to. Yours are the opinions I don't care about.

2. I haven't once complained when you turned people into ninjas. I didn't complain about the Tsubasa feathers, I didn't complain about the Shikon shards, I didn't complain about the Brawl disasters, I didn't complain about the pedo bear, I didn't complain about the geese (wtf?). Whatever. You know why I didn't complain? Because I don't play your characters. Your characters are, in fact, none of my business. Imagine that!

3. If you don't like what I'm doing, fine. You're entitled to your own opinion. You are not, however, entitled to go spreading it around when it is not, in fact, your plot to spread, nor are you entitled to make macros and giggle about it with all your friends. You can if you want. I just think it's very immature of you. There. You've shared your opinion, and I've shared mine. Don't like it? I don't care.

I don't care if you think our plot is stupid. I don't care if you think it's OOC and "omg another internet superhero! lawl" and "omg another shinigami! *gag*". Maybe once you've managed to play a serious character for seventeen months, I might stop and listen to you. As it is now, however, the turnover rate in Brawl is so high that I barely remember any of your names. Thus, I don't care about you. You assume, because you don't know me or Matt, that I'm doing this to be cool, or fit in, or to make Matt special, or whatever your reasoning is. I don't care about that either. Your reasoning is wrong. I'm doing this because Matt is, quite simply put, miserable, and has been for longer than some of your characters have been around, and will not magically get better, ever, because nothing will change the fact that he's a human stuck with a bunch of superheroes, ninjas, vampires, wizards, and shinigami, or that when he dies there will be no God waiting for him, or that no one even knows his real name. We've managed to blend Bleach canon with a Death Note character who has been developing for longer than most of you knew what an RPG was, in order to develop him further, and give him a purpose in a life that, otherwise, has been devoid of it. You try growing up being told you'll never be better than third place. I'd like to see how many inferiority complexes you develop.

In short, this is our plot. Matt is my character. Don't like it? Stay out of it. Think it's cool? Feel free to get involved. Don't know wtf I'm talking about? ...Then why did you read this massive entry? o.O I really don't care what you do, but I do not appreciate being made fun of behind my back for doing things you only think you understand, and I don't appreciate sharing secret information with you only to find it pasted all over kingdom come.

This is the first Brawl rant I've ever written, and I feel I'm entitled to it. Only a select few of you have any idea how difficult it was to make the decision to do this, or how long it's been in the making, or how I feel now that it's done. Matt is a part of me. Killing him was not some random-ass thought I had one day while I was bored and decided to go through with for sheer kicks. It hurt. And you guys assuming you know all about it to the point where you can make fun of it just because you don't agree--well, that hurts too.

So next time someone decides to make a large life-altering character decision, my suggestion is for you to, if you don't agree with it, ask them why before you trot off to your own little cliques and laugh together over something as foreign to you as I seem to be. I have never picked fights with any of you and I have never made posts and macros about your characters for shits and giggles with my super sekrit clan. All I'm asking is that you take the time to extend the same courtesy--and not just to me, either, but to anyone else who might also be more interested in experimental character development than a constant state of lethargy for the sake of canon in a canon-blending RPG.

Brawl is for having fun, guys, it's not for anything else. Wank is the opposite of fun, and not just defined to what you find offensive, either, but to what anyone might not like. So stop stirring it up already.

And for those of you who are just watching, and not even a part of the game? You have less say than my fellow muns in my decisions.

-Riah out.
Tags: brawl
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