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Monday, August 6th, 2018

Subject:As one does
Time:12:56 pm.
Mood: lethargic.
It goes without saying we haven't spoken in forever and a day but let's jump right back into it.......
Almost 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and then it was discovered that I have Epstein-Barr virus as well. Ever since then my overall state has been "lethargic" and I fall asleep a lot and feel a huge lack of energy on a daily basis. I'm on medication but it doesn't do much to help with the symptoms and days like today I just want to crawl in bed and never get out. I now work at a laid-back place that does not expect me to go constantly (although the transition into having some semblance of downtime has been kinda nice). I do not feel constant stress but I do still feel anxious more often than not, not to mention depressed but that's another story.
I live in Pasadena which has been pretty great as far as a place to live where there are actually things to do! And it's not Baltimore, which is wondrous because nobody wants to go to that godforsaken shit hole anymore unless they are perpetually 16 years old mentally. I love going to local bars and crab places and the like. Also, there's a great pier by my place that I love to visit and look into the Chesapeake Bay and see all the crabs (even though most of them are dead). I live with Chad and he's great and I love him and he takes care of me. We have a lizard named Lucy and she stays in the cage because she bites and scratches. I do miss living with my Mom and Scott a great deal. I wish I could live both places because I enjoyed spending time with them and grew very close to them. They (along with all of my Grandmom's side of the family) are my true family who are always there for me.
It's been kind of difficult because now that I am 32 (holy fuck XD) I am at the point where my friends are moving on, getting married and spawning and what not. Things I have never had any interest in naturally. Some just turned out to be shitty and that sucks. Either way there is a lack of people to hang out with and I am okay with that. I really like being alone and reading, watching tv or listening to music. I am also a big proponent for coloring because it's relaxing and makes time go by (which I love). Breaking news as I am writing this: One of my besties Lisa just moved back (she lived 5 hours away from me) and is now residing in DC. I can't wait to go out with her and see shows again (and booze)!
As for today, I will fight through the rest of the day then the traffic, then I will be lying down and relaxing as one does when they are old.
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Monday, January 19th, 2015

Time:1:08 pm.
Mood: enraged.
I want to scream. I have cramps every second of my life and I'm a bitch to people. It's like a combo of being in pain always and hating people and getting sick of their selfishness. I'm going to the doctor's next Tuesday. I hope we get this moving quickly so I can feel better again. Last night I had stabbing pains in my tummy all night again. It feels like that right now too. I wanna go home and I'm unhappy at this job. I think I need a nap and a heating pad. I intended to say more but I just needed to vent I think. Oh and also I missed the sign up date for my comic book club so now I have to wait until next month to go to it.
XOXO, Gossip Drew
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Friday, January 16th, 2015

Subject:i hate myself and i want to die
Time:4:07 pm.
Mood: nauseated.
I've been pretty violent and no nonsense lately. People are going to think I'm a huge bitch and I don't even care anymore. I talked to Big Andy and I'm not trying to be mean to him but we always say shit like "well people are shitty" and I'm just fucking sick and tired of hearing that as an answer. That's not an answer. They should stop being shitty. I just want to go home and cry. I'm sick of having that looming feeling over me that I'm going to be alone forever. Sorry I fucking like things that shit headed turd bags like, but I'm not gonna change and stop being myself just cause there are so many assholes. I also vented to him about Michael and how I'm pissed off and it doesn't matter. And nothing matters. I just have to stay locked in my mind where only I care about me and that makes me feel awful. I really wish I had a suicide pill in my medicine cabinet so I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.
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Tuesday, January 13th, 2015

Time:10:48 am.
Mood: angry.
So I got my results back from the lab and all and it turns out I'm extra angry and bitchy cause I have a cyst on my ovary :( I can't poop or fart or do anything and I'M MISERABLE. I have pains in my tummy all the time. They get worse when I lay down. It also makes it hard for me to pee. Basically it's really fucking unpleasant and I want it to stop. But I can't get an appointment until next Thursday so I probably won't be able to poop for a couple weeks. I'm not entirely sure how they do surgery and it's prob not a good idea for me to look it up.
I'm thinking about asking Lisa or somebody to go to Hampden with me this weekend, I haven't been up there in a while and I want to get some zines/comix and shirts.
I went out with Amanda's friend Mike again and it actually made me super sad and I decided I'm not ready to try to date again even though I really really really really really want a boyfriend to hang out with and be there for me. I just don't believe in starting a relationship with someone based solely on the fact that they are nice. People are giving me shit because I have a hard time with guys but I'm not feeling it with him. He tried to kiss me and I was like okay....that won't be happening. My co-worker said "well you could KISS him, it's not a big deal". It is a big fucking deal, I'm sick of doing things that I don't want to do because I feel like I have to, that's bullshit!! I don't want to pity kiss some dude, I want to find one that I click with just like I did with Michael. I have been spending more nights that I should lying awake thinking about him. Every time I think a positive thought about I mentally smack myself in the head. I also hate myself. The dude Mike was talking to me about how people go running back to people who did shitty things to them and that's what Michael did. I don't want to be viewed as a weak person anymore. That means it doesn't matter how bad I feel or what I think I can't do that, but it makes it easier for me that nobody wants me back I guess.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, January 9th, 2015

Time:12:02 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
Last night I went out with Ashley and she was really cool. She said she didn't have many friends and that she had even been stood up on lady-dates!!!! She agreed that people are flaky as hell and nobody knows what they want. She's moving apartments this weekend so next week we're gonna hang out again.
I have been depressed since I went out with that dude on Wednesday. I argued with my Mom because I told her that I didn't have anything in common with him and that I just wanted to be friends and she said that I should go out with him 2 more times....? And I said why would you want to lead someone on when you know that you don't want to be in a relationship with them?? I'm not going to be a butthole like people are to me all the time. It's not fair. But I couldn't help but get really sad thinking about the people I did have things in common with like Michael. We had everything in common. His life was like mine, we liked the same music and he made me laugh except for when he was getting on my nerves and being childish. I was sitting at the table in the kitchen thinking about it and I started crying. I wish I didn't still have feelings for him but I do. I miss talking to him on the phone and sleeping in bed with him. I know that's a terrible thing to say but I can't help myself. I wish he didn't suck at life. I'm sad.
I'm also nervous about getting my sonogram tonight. I hope they find out what's wrong with me. I was just having super bad pains in my tummy.
Tomorrow I'm going to ride over to Hampden to pick up my comic books for my comic book club. I dream that I will be in there and someone will be all ohhhhh who's that mysterious girl with the red lipstick by herself. And he will be punk rock and have tats and maybe even a beard and maybe be kinda old but not an asshole. Then I'll get married to him and I won't be lonely anymore!! And he'll go to shows with me and watch horror movies and scratch my head, that's what I'm dreaming about.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, January 8th, 2015

Subject:the pains of being rad @heart
Time:3:22 pm.
Mood: disappointed.
I am disappointed and I will tell you why. I have awful pains in my tummy/lower abdomen. It started on Saturday when I was getting ready to meet Kamil and Co. over at the Polish Home Club. They had nachos and I like that, but my tummy still hurt. So we did shots. Then we went back to Kamil's and did more shots. Then on Sunday my tummy kiiiinda hurt. Then on Monday and Tuesday it hurt real bad until I woke up in the middle of the night crying cause it hurt so bad and I told my Mom and she said she wanted me to go to patient first so that I could get checked out. She seemed concerned that it was my appendix or something. So I called out for the first time in years and went to patient first. They took my blood and made me pee in a cup. I was scared. The doctor came in and said they couldn't see anything wrong with me but that they were going to send my pee away to the lab. She also said she wanted me to get an ultrasound which I have had before because my other doctor thought I may have endometriosis. I hope I don't have that, every woman I have ever known who has had that is in so much pain. They have to get hysterectomies :( If the ultrasound doesn't show anything, then I will have to get an MRI.
I met another girl that I'm going to meet at Duclaw tonight, I've had a rough day at work so I need to unwind. Last night I was like nooooo because Amanda M wanted me to go out with her friend. And I was all "I really don't know if I'm ready to date anyone...." but they want to help me stop feeling sad and lonely. I appreciate that they care about me. So anyway, I went to Green Turtle (I know) at Arundel Mills and I met him. He's okay. Not wow-ing me. Seems like somebody I would just want to be friends with. He looks like any other dude. He likes sports and was asking me how I felt about sports. I don't like them and would not consider going to a game even if I were drunk, that shit is a waste of money. I thought I was turning him off by telling him about how I love punk, comic books and records but I could tell he thought I was pretty so I don't know if they really care or if they're just enamored with all that top coat shit. I was wearing a sweater but I could tell he wanted to look at my boobs and I don't hold him at fault there!! He asked me if I wanted to smoke a blunt with him and drive around the neighborhood so we did. He asked me briefly about my experiences in dating and I said nothing ever worked out for me. He said the same thing happened for him and girls were always leading him on and I could tell that he was that kind of guy honestly. He said I was acting tense and I told him I was because even though he was nice I didn't want him to get the wrong idea and maybe I shouldn't have smoked a blunt with him because I didn't want to feel obligated that I had to kiss him or anything. He said I didn't have to and he wasn't looking for anybody seriously because he has been screwed over so much. He asked me if I wanted to do something with him on Sunday. I'm leery because I want to be friends but I don't want him to think something else because I really don't see myself having a relationship with this dude. I will tell him that if he pursues that anymore when we hang out on Sunday. I like talking to him though. He seems like he understands that people are shitheads.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, January 2nd, 2015

Subject:sashay away
Time:12:38 pm.
Mood: drained.
Today I was in the back making coffee and I realized I forgot to bring my half and half AND my sugar cause I don't want to use the crap that's been sitting around forever at my work. I pulled the creamer down and it was the powder kind and I poured it all over my head so I'm standing there covered in creamer powder so I went in the bathroom and took my shirt off and shook it out and here we are. It was pretty funny.
Yesterday was really depressing. I thought I was gonna go get brunch with Lisa but we were too hungover so I dropped her off and then I went home and laid in bed ALL DAY. I thought about how I don't want this year to happen. I want years to stop happening. I know I'm gonna continue to be alone. I thought about how this is gonna be my life for another year and years to come. I also watched a marathon of Zack Galifinakis movies so that helped a little to ease my pain. I was also depressed for Wendy because her Dad passed away unexpectedly and I'm not sure why yet. She said she's not ready to talk about it and I completely understand. I hope she comes back home so I can be there for her. Nothing I can say is going to make her feel better but I will try. She always tries to make me feel better. I can never express to her how grateful I am for that. I love her and Jim and Carson.
I went to Kamil's house with Lisa and it was as fun as it could be. I like hanging out with them but my sadness is still there in the back of my mind. Lisa saved me cause she kissed me at midnight THUS breaking the curse that nobody will kiss me for another year (even though they prob won't).
I was just spacing out at work thinking about how I like but hate social media at the same time. I like it because it tells me what's going on in regards to things I like or care about but then it tells me many things about stuff I hate and do not care about. Some of those things would be:
knowing every detail of everybody's day, seeing a picture of the same person 3-4 times per day, seeing people's food, seeing what other people like and I was gonna say seeing people's pets but I would rather see their pets than them.
I get no joy out of it other than seeing my ex-boyfriends downgrade (which they do on the reg). I have seen it happen twice this year and I'm okay with that!!!
I'm going out after work to grab a drink with Melody and I hope that'll be fun. I think something is going on with her and Jason, I'm not sure though. I will ask her tonight. Also, Drew is acting really weird. A few weeks ago things got weird between because I was telling him about how I get used over and over again and I was crying and he kissed me. I didn't want him to do that and I wanted him to go away. I thought to myself that bastard, I'm sitting here telling him about how men use me because they want to get in my pants and he........tries to get in my pants? Then he commented to me the other day that sleeping with a married woman was "on his bucket list" and he had the opportunity to do that the other night but didn't. What a slimeball, I thought he was different all these years.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, December 31st, 2014

Subject:new year's eve
Time:11:27 am.
Mood: sad.
I have been avoiding my journal for a while because I feel like all I write is sad stuff but I don't care. Nobody reads anything I write anywhere anyway so it doesn't matter. I am so desperately lonely today. I don't want to go out even though I guess I have to force myself too. Yesterday I went to therapy with Colleen and she told me that it's hard not to think about the big things that happened in your past that make you feel worthless when you are longing for a meaningful relationship. I have been very sad since because I thought about that word "longing" and that's exactly what I am doing. I want so badly to find a man who will hold me and tell me he loves me but I don't think I'm ever going to find him. I don't want to go back on a dating website. Even men who are in their 30's only want to use me for sex, and I'm more than that!!! But at this point I feel ugly and wonder why wouldn't every man reject me?? I'm not sure what to think.
Tonight I'll pick Lisa up from the airport since she's coming back from Vegas and we'll go to Kamil's house. Kamil has Amanda. Lisa has Derrick. Szymon has Amanda and so forth. I wonder why I'm not good enough for anybody ever. Lisa tries to find guys for me but I'm not interested in the ones she picks. I miss Michael. I even miss Dylan. I miss everybody who doesn't deserved to be missed.
Tonight I am going to start documenting what happens in my 29th year of life, the year before I turn 30. Nobody will care except for me and that's okay. Another thing is that I put myself back on craigslist to find another chick like me to hang around. I thought guys were the only ones who looked at your profile and paid ZERO attention to what you wrote but apparently I was so very wrong! Women do the same shit. I said I would like to find someone who is single (every person who messaged me was in a relationship LOLZ), doesn't matter sexual preference but note that I am quite straight, and even though I am thwarted frequently, quite outgoing. I got a response back from a lesbian couple who said they would like to be friends. We made plans to go to sticky rice in bmore for happy hour. I'm in my room getting ready to go out with them aaaaaand they bail. They asked if I was mad at them. I told them no (because I wasn't, people are flaky as fuck). And people truly give no fucks as to how bad that makes them look. Why would I make plans with you again if you blow me off the first time we're supposed to hang out?? Then one person e-mailed me telling me that she lives in Elkridge and she doesn't drive........why would a person want to start a relationship with yet another person who's going to make me come to them and do all the work all the time? That's just plain stupid. Another person I am researching seems nice through e-mails but absolutely batshit insane on all forms of social media. She's taking the train to go to fells point with me next weekend so I'm already holding on to my hat. AND THESE ARE WOMEN. Women with whom I am only seeking FRIENDSHIP. And I'm supposed to throw myself back on the internet for every fucking predator and pervert to message me????? I don't think soooooooooooooooooo. I am actively joining groups in the area for my hobbies so that I can meet some people who like what I like but no luck so far. I joined a comic book club, one of the guys that I had a crush on from the record store when I was a teenager is in the club but he got unattractive, as one does.
I just learned that I can insert media on here so maybe I will upload my videos either here or on youtube which are 2 more places where nobody cares what I have to say and thus, solely letting me have my personal growth and space without judgement. Hope this experiment helps me in some way.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, December 5th, 2014

Subject:get the funk out??
Time:3:25 pm.
I chose bouncy as my mood cause I feel like I'm high on c'caine but I'm not that. I asked Ryan if I could keep on my crappy shitty pop music that plays on repeat because it makes me feel 2% and I guess it's the repetition. I can count on that music being shitty and playing the same song over and over again just the same way people are shitty and play their same songs over and again. Except these songs can be positive sometimes and not always make me feel shitty about myself. I especially like the one that goes:
You're gone and I gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind, spend my days locked in a haze just trying to forget you babe I fall back down.....
The first time I heard that song I cried so hard, (I know I'm a blubbering idiot that nobody likes and thinks is fluff). It reminded me of how a long time ago I heard this lana del rey song in my car about like 3 years (yeah yeah, she's a real wrist slicer) and it started snowing and I was like holy shit THIS MOMENT...the moment I have felt the most lonely in my entire life. It was when another waste of sperm and egg did another shitty shithole thing to me (shocking right?).
I wish they would stop doing that crap. I wish all people would stop being buttholes to each other all the time. And I guess I'm really disappointed because I wanted a real life with Michael, I wanted us to get out of here together but I got cut out before I got to tell him that. We could have been there for each other. Now we both have nobody but he doesn't know that yet. I hope he starts to know that thing.
In other news, I have been str8 gettin it at work lately. I'm in the zone. I help Ryan and he helps me. Jeremy is.......okay? They have all been being nicer to me. They know I don't deserve it and that I feel shitty and self conscious. I opened up to Michael R. at work about that today and he said I shouldn't ever do anything I feel uncomfortable with even though I have nothing to worry about and he's sure I look good in my bathing suit. I don't want to get in one this weekend because Melody's having a party and they always want to involve the hot tub and all that junk. It's not for me, I'm not some desperate lady/guy on blind date trying to get laid.....YET. Maybe some day, a girl can dream?
Tonight I'm supposed to go see The Pizza Underground with Allyson and Ian. I bet it's going to blow up in my face because I have to meet them down there and they are basically flakesville. Population: THEM. So I fully intend on seeing this show by myself tonight. People totally hate when people say "it is what it is" including me but.....ya know.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, December 4th, 2014

Subject:I came back
Time:9:41 am.
Mood: drained.
All I do is wake up in the morning, get in the shower and wash my hair and cry. Then I go to work and try not to cry all day. Then I come home, eat my soup broth, stare out the window and cry. And my mouth bleeds all the time.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, December 3rd, 2007

Subject:another grueling day
Time:7:12 pm.
Mood: anxious.
today just started out on a bad note. i woke up at 7:30am per usual, and fought my way through insane amounts of traffic on 695, and it ended up taking over an hour to get to school from my house. so i was already a little on edge from dealing with that crap as soon as i rolled out of bed. then, in acting class (which is almost over thank god!!) the scene that i'm working on with my partner got pushed up to today, when we were supposed to go on wednesday. this was due to the fact that some guy in our class was sick and so he couldn't practice his with his partner today. so we're all like yeah great we don't know ANY of the script or even what we're doing whatsoever. so we get called up last and i'm like "listen we don't know ANY of this at all" and of course the teacher's like "oh it's ok we'll work through it." IT WAS A DISASTER!! and the whole time i'm thinking what was the point of this??? maybe just to humiliate us since we were the unlucky bastards that got moved up to today when we weren't supposed to go until wednesday?? that was totally unfair if you ask me. so that just kind of set the tone for today.

then i left school early because i just couldn't handle anymore today. i was on my way to kamil's house to sleep it off for a little while and he calls me and hes like "yeah my mom had a doctor's appointment today so she isn't going to work." and then i'm like UGGHHH I'M SO FUCKING TIRED. but i did want to see him, so i went to his house and picked him up. we went to the pet stores around town and i pet some ferrets and guinea pigs. that made me feel a little better. but then i got a tummy ache. and when i got home i took some medicine and went to lie down in my bed for a while. and of course i woke up right into to go into work again today, which obviously isn't on my top 10 things to do. and when i get off i'm going to see kamil for a while again but theres never anything to do. we've seen most of the movies worth seeing if you're a 5 year old. i always fall asleep during boring adult movies like american gangster and all that jazz. but i am excited because i'm going to see GWAR on thursday!!!!!!! yaaaaaayyyy!!! i can't wait, it feels like i haven't seen them in forever.

ew stupid glen burnie trash at my stand right now, i'll get back to this later...
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Saturday, December 1st, 2007

Time:12:33 pm.
Mood: bored.
sometimes i forget i even have my journal, until I just break down and think to myself I need to write down some stuff that pisses me off. i mean realistically, those are the main things that stick out in my mind, and I think its long overdue to vent about some crap.

firstly, im at marley station mall right now, and that's enough to make me want to jab the broken pencil lying on my "desk" directly through my corneas. just when i though annapolis mall was bad, we move here and to an area of the mall where there are literally 40 little kids running around and screaming at the top of their lungs no less (play area). they run around my stand! they're parents don't care about them at all!! i just want to grab one up and hold their ears next to my mouth and go "AHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHH!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" so they know what it feels like to be me. i don't know any little brat that's above a good ol fashioned smack to the ass, but nooo that's "child abuse". no, child abuse it repeatedly beating a child over and over again until they have marks and bruises on their bodies. lack of discipline is what causes these little monsters to grow up to be the assholes that don't say thank you or give you dirty looks because you work in a mall. but yet i have no choice until I'm finished with college (which seems like it will never come to a close).

and speaking of that, I'm actually kind of glad to be back in Maryland. since I started at Towson I'm starting to think I might actually have a career that I enjoy. making costumes is fun! also, I get to work with one of my best friends wendy. I'm moving into a townhouse with her, where she lives with another roomate, in february. I think it's going to be good times.

anyway, back to work. i'm waiting for steve bolton to get here at 2pm, and the time is just DRAGGING on. the mall is busy, but I haven't sold that much today at all. when I get home, I know I'm going to be bored, even though I have a ton of homework. oh yeah, I haven't been smoking anymore. it's been like almost 3 weeks I believe, so I've been having the weird lack of weed dreams again. the ones where you can't tell if it's a dream or if it's really happening. also, they last for all night it seems, even though I know dreams are really only like 5min or something like that.

when I get home, I think I'm going to go shopping with my mom to get some things that I need, and then watch harry potter and the chamber of secrets. that'll give me something to do until kamil gets off at 9pm. last night, we went bowling and the place was empty so we brought our jager and red bull into the bowling alley and we just drank there. and they had the hives on the jukebox!! i was excited about that. anyway, this is turning into a mad long post AND there's another snot nosed brat screaming behind me so I'll get back to this later....hopefully not in another year.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 25th, 2007

Subject:oh ok
Time:6:31 pm.
Mood: embarrassed.
Remember the good ol' days when all you did was TALK about college when actually the thought was the furthest thing from your mind??? well i do. I miss those days so much right now. fuck it, i yearn for those days. there is nothing i hate more right now than college and all the bullshit that comes with it like work, not knowing your major, more work, getting off of college and going to actual work and the like.
I have so many things due right now i can't even afford to be typing this but I am anyway. well, mostly it's to fool my grandparents into thinking they're hearing me typing my report for my "Life in the Universe" class but ya know. and what kind of gay ass name is that for a class anyway?? i found out that it doesnt even count as my non-lab science so who gives a shit?? oh and work is mad embarassing, but i actually wish that i was there right now instead of doing schoolwork. and kamil is working like non-stop now, of course he works everyday i have off!

there was one funny thing i wanted to document on here because i thuoght it was silly. last night i picked kamil up from work and we went and smoked a joint on the peers overlooking the city. it was like 10pm and of course there are ridiculous amounts of people out doing what people do like staring, making you feel uncomfortable, etc. well when we were sufficiently baked we went to go get some pizza and the city was pretty dead. as we were leaving, he ran into someone he knew from somewhere and we're both super high. and this dude is like asking him all these questions and really not taking the hint that we're not trying to talk to him. and i started thinking about how embarassing it really is when you are in my situation at this point. like when the person you know runs into someone they know and you really have no idea what to do. oh and the person acts like you aren't even standing there so you're just like ok well i could try to pretend like i understand their conversation or i could just stare into space blankly. either way it doesnt matter because you won't see that guy again until the next akward situation. and if all this wasn't bad enough, a homeless lady comes up, interrupts the conversation, and asks for money. so there were like 5 embarassing things happening at once and to sum up my position on this, i was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.............................

that was long, but i needed to giggle a little during the hellish day that is today.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, March 8th, 2007

Time:11:34 pm.
Mood: drained.
so fucking tired and about to go to bed but theres a few things i wanted to say. first off, i hate school and i cannot wait until ends forever. secondly, i finally got a cool ass job!! it's boring as shit and all i do is sit there and make keys at this kiosk inside the mall but i don't have to do anything besides talk to people for like 5 seconds and listen to music and look at peeps. it rules!!(so far) i should be studying for a hard ass english exam tomorrow but i just don't have the strength so i think going the good ol fashioned bullshit route should work enough to get me a C. oh and hopefully tomorrow i'll be able to see kamil and we can get crunk off my $4 wine, because we're classy like that. but for now i'm gonna catch some ZZZZZ's and wake up mad early tomorrow morning for some quality teachings at AACC
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, February 12th, 2007

Subject:laying in bed literally ALL day
Time:4:26 pm.
Mood: blah.
i had such a kick ass weekend...until today that is. dont you just hate that? when the whole weekend is like various assortments of yaaay and then sunday you're all depressed because you know you have to wait like another 5 days to have fun again. on friday we got real rowdy drunk and then when we left kamil said "let's have a hotel party", and hotel party we did. i'm not real sure what happened but i know i have heinous bruises all over me and there were empty bags of taco bell.
then yesterday kamil and i went to d.c. and we went to the imax to see sharks 3D which was funny and cheap but i loved it. then we went and bought tickets to see slayer in 2 weeks (and i can legally get drunk at this show!!) and after that we went to the hookah bar and we started feeling sick so we left and that was our night. today i went out and bought him a bunch of shit for valentine's day and tomorrow he said he wanted to take me out and buy me something for my birthday on thursday. on a side note, I'M GONNA BE 21!!!!!!and tonight is boring without kamil but i'm gonna go hang out with jessica for a while and she's always a good time. i hope he really does want to hang out with me tomorrow, i'm such a loser but i miss him already!!
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Tuesday, February 6th, 2007

Time:9:29 am.
Mood: sleepy.
i just woke up and i had this crazy ass dream. i was in this city with some old dude and he was taking me to get my car fixed. in the city, i saw the party city where my boyfriend kamil used to work, i also had a really strange sense of deja vu because i remembered kamil telling me that there was an underwater themed movie theater in arbutus where he lives. i dont think there really is such a place or we would have went there before, im sure. anyway, i saw this place in my dream and they had this big tank in front of the movies where a huge shark was floating around dead. near the tank there was this old time looking elevator that apparently we needed to take to get where we were going. when i got in the elevator, the old dude said he would be right back so i waited for him while this big elevator filled up. oh yeah, the elevator was like a dock elevator and there was all this water underneath. here comes the really cool part:

i notice this girl sitting down in the elevator and at first glance i thouoght nothing of her, i just looked away. then i looked back and she had blood all over her face. i guess nobody else noticed because it wasnt that clear if it was makeup or what. i looked at the girl standing in front of me and i knew what was going to happen next. out of nowhere i start to run as fast as i can away from the elevator. the second i get up to run the bloody chick tears into the girl that was in front of me, causing everyone in the elevator to go into a panic. the weight of everyone moving around causes all the water in the dock to overflow so now we're swimming as fast as we can to get away from this zombie, but she's after me. she gets right up to me and shes about to eat me next but out of nowhere i pull out this huge knife and jam it through her bitch ass zombie brain..........then i woke up.

i just wanted to write this dream down because it was awesome
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Tuesday, July 25th, 2006

Subject:broken laptop blues
Time:11:33 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
just when you think things have gone haywire to the point where they can only get better, they go ahead and continue to fuck you over to the highest conceivable degree of fucked-uped-ness(?) too bad it seems like all of my entries start off like this nowadays, but i just keep getting hit with one shitstorm after another. first the tanning salon closes on me out of nowhere. we werent doing enough "business" to stay open anymore. i was kind of sad because that job was awesome and we could smoke there whenever we wanted, but i was getting ready to quit at the end of the month anyway because im leaving for college soon. the upside is that i walked away from that dump with $800 because the owner felt guilty for just straight up firing us like that. i was only supposed to get like $330 for 2 weeks. also, i dont have to work anymore for the rest of the summer.

my grandparents went away to ocean city this past week and it was glorious. i didnt do anything besides eat freeze pops and smoke weed in my basement just like the good old days. then i watched movies on my laptop and it fried the hardrive. it figures like 2 weeks before i leave for college i have to dish out like $600 to get a new hardrive among all kinds of useless programs that best buy wants to install onto my shit to keep viruses away. i bet when i get my computer back its still slow as shit and annoying spyware pop-ups appear like every 5 seconds. i hate dell.

i;m kind of excited to leave but not really. even though i know i have to go to college to get anywhere in life i feel like i'm just being thrown out into the world without any warning at all. like this week i'm living my normal life in maryland and then all of a sudden i'm in virginia living all alone without any friends or anybody....or money. i just have a feeling i'm going to hate it and want to come back home and by then i'll have wasted a year at college. i don't like the thought of me being alone in my dormroom so sad. i hope i feel better tomorrow
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Tuesday, June 20th, 2006

Subject:hey frank;
Time:12:42 am.
Mood: groggy.
ive been all over the place lately. this past semester in college seemed virtually useless to me because i feel braindead and washed up. i dont want to think anymore, im so happy to have a break from life. since the last time i wrote my friend allyson got me a job at a tanning salon of all places! yeah, thats right my pale ass makes money off of other people's skin cancer!! but ya know, i really am so thrilled to rid the earth of all the brooklyn park trash. i only work 4 hours a day, but i have to be up in that bitch everyday. its easy money but ill be glad to quit when the summer is over and move to viginia..

i have to live with 3 other people in my dorm, but we each have our own rooms so i guess it wont be so bad. im really nervous that my roomates wont be okay withh the fact that i smoke all the time. one of them sent me a message on myspace and she seemed like she might be alright. im going down for orientation on june 26th so i hope i can meet them then. this is so nerve-racking and i hate thinking about being all by myself even though people do it all the time. im too lazy to move all my shit, august is going to totally suck dick. on the real tip ill get back to doing nothing/playing harry potter on ps2
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Thursday, December 29th, 2005

Subject:i dont understand whats happening
Time:1:18 am.
Mood: full.
im glad im still high from earlier with kamil and all those other rad bros i was hangin out with tonite. i just got hostile on all the candy from my x-mas stocking. freakin nerd rope in that piece. i finally got the whole trip thing settled with jeremy and im really relieved. i was so stressed out because i felt like i was disapointing him but we decided that he would come up here. i cant wait to spend new year's eve with him because we are going to get druuuuuuunnkkk. and im damn excited that we are too. technically i could go back to work this week since im not going to myrtle beach, but i think ill just go right ahead and take the rest of the week off anyway. i could really use a break from that damn place.

i feel bad for cassie because shes havin a damn baby tonite so i cant imagine how much that has to suck. hopefully she already had it by now because they had to induce her at like 7pm. i dont even know why im talking about this but i do know im tired as shit. one of these days im going to actually stay up like i always think im going to and play playstation games and kill zombies. but for now im just going to pass out like i always do/
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Wednesday, December 7th, 2005

Subject:i hate............everyone?
Time:12:33 am.
Mood: aggravated.
yes folks, there you have it. i hate everyone on the face of the earth. fuckers at work, fuckers at school, fuckers walking by me on the street even. im gradually becoming a very bitter person without a real reason besides well, people are dumbasses. i believe at reached my last straw at petsmart. somebody totaled my car without insurance and now im not getting hardly any money for it. luckily for me i have a nice dad that basically gave me a car to use to ride this shit out, and he says i can keep it if i want. it has a hell of a lot of miles on it but its better than nothing. i seriously doubt it will last me the whole rest of my college career but at least i wont have a car payment for a good while. and the moral of the story is that im finally free from petsmart! i will no longer be dependent upon the little bit of money those asslords allow me each week because ill only have to pay for car insurance. fuck you petsmart corporate dickholes!!
hah and another thing about those smelly ball sacs they made me clean up the whole joint by myself tonite. but my manager sure got an earful and you can bet your sweet ass that those little 16 year olds are getting written the fuck up come tomorrow morning. but enough about that hell hole.
jer is coming up next week and i cant wait. i miss him so much. he makes me laugh and feel better about life. we do drugs together. im glad my friends are still down with that. they have been cool through all of this...................but i still hate everyone:)
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