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04 February 2007 @ 01:39 am
I figure I should just get this all out of myself...I used to write like hella. Why can't I seem to forget about him? I barely even know him, yet somehow I feel something gravitating me to him. I don't think he feels the same though. This sense of guilt is kinda paralyzing...I feel like I screwed it up by acting in a way to put him off subconsciously and I regret it like mad because of this sense of loss...like something i've always wanted was robbed from me...at my own hands. :( there's no one really to blame but me. I just want to get over this and a lot of the time I feel clear-headed and like it's all over and done with. but sometimes it comes back tenfold, like whatthefuck?

ALena called me today and needed to crash here. Couldn't see why not...D is over in Modesto, I haven't hung out with her in like 2 days.

SOmetimes I feel like I'm having minor panic attacks. Even though i'm doing so much better than I used to...I'd like to have more friends around, not that I'm not grateful for the ones I have. I'd be nowhere w/o the ones I have now.I guess I'm feeling lonely lately cause I long for a bigger social life...and of course, a boyfriend would be pretty fuckin cool, too.

I went to the hookah lounge the other nite and wow, there was this cute guy working there. I kinda thought he could be gay, he was way too cute in that sorta nauseating way...but he made it work. I talked with my brother today, we can be civil to each other. We don't have a whole lot in common so I guess it can be kind of awkward talking. SOmetimes I feel like I bore like everyone around me and I dunno why. I wouldn't be bored by me, so whatever. I'm thinking I could be a dull person to everyone but me. =\ Well maybe not everyone ...we're all interpreted differently by everyone. I just want things to be different, yet I feel too apathetic to give a fuck.I guess I have to make things more interesting myself.